August 30, 2004
Europe reigns supreme!
SI.com - Olympics - Medal Tracker - Total
Final medal counts back up Europe's all-around superiority:
Europe: 462
Asia: 192
North America: 154
Australia (inc. NZ): 54
Africa: 30
South America: 21
Antarctica: 0
Europe defeats all other continents combined, 462-451!
I cannot leave you without expressing my disgust with the American sprint relay teams. Both the men and the women failed to win the 4 x 100 meter relays despite having the fastest sprinters (and, it is said, the newest drugs) because of their inability to properly hand off the baton. The men finished second and the women were disqualified. Watching the American men finish second to an outstanding British team once again demonstrates that European teamwork will always outshine America even if its individuals excel!
Posted by Mac Thomason at 09:47 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
August 24, 2004
Another Olympic Report from Captain Euro!
Greetings from Greece! The controversy that all here and abroad are talking about is the mistake in judging in the men's gymnastics final. Well, not everyone here. Nobody in Greece seems to care much about gymnastics, as you can see from the attendance at the event. I have asked around, and it seems that the Greeks are upset that their word gymnasion has been co-opted by more northerly folk to describe impish girls bouncing around and squeaky-voiced men swinging around like orangutans. It has become clear to me that traditionally gymnasion, and thus gymnastics, properly means only a place where naked men wrestle one another.
As for the controversy, it is claimed that a judge's mathematical mistake caused a Korean gymnast to garner only a bronze medal when he deserved a gold which instead was awarded to an American. As a European, I am strictly neutral in this affair. Therefore, take it from me when I say that the American should give up his gold medal, both in the name of fostering international goodwill and as apology for American's unprovoked invasion of Korea in the 1950s, details of which may be seen in the fine American documentary series M*A*S*H.
I have heard it said that the true cause of the problem is the event is judged, that all victories in such events are only subjective, and that this event and all others that depend upon judging can never have a true victor. What these critics fail to recognize is that all events are subjective! Yes, a swimmer may seem to objectively "win" a 100 meter race, but only from our own subjective view. What if, instead of touching the wall, a swimmer had to touch the bottom of the pool, or if he had to hit his head on the wall, or climb out of the pool? Are these not all reasonable standards? Sprinting, it is said, is objective, but only in our narrow view of reality. What if the sprinters, instead of a straight line, had to go in a zigzag fashion? Or if they had to wear berets? Or if they ran on a slight incline? Who is the winner then? And is "running fast" a truly objective state? The fastest man is far slower than a cheetah, but even the slowest far faster than a snail. And another thing [REMAINDER OF POST DELETED FOR SPACE.]
Posted by Mac Thomason at 09:16 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
August 20, 2004
Anti-Olympic naysayers to get their comeuppance
Organizers expect sales to pick up as track and field starts
Yes, soon, say the Olympic organizers, the attendance at the Olympic Games -- Europe's Games! -- will reach mighty levels. And then, all you naysayers will be sorry!
I am exceptionally bitter that people do not realize the success that these Games have been. Yes, many people did not attend events in the first week of the Games. But that doesn't take into account that this has always been the case! Many, many people did not attend the Games in Sydney, nor in Atlanta! Billions of people! Even more people won't attend the Games in Beijing! Statistically speaking, the difference between the percentage of people who aren't attending these Games and the ones who haven't attended previous Games is less than negligible -- it's almost unmeasurable!
Posted by Mac Thomason at 09:42 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
More signs of European dominance
SI.com - Olympics - Medal Tracker - Total
As Europe runs away from the field in the medal count, it has been suggested to me that this actually understates the level of dominance of European culture in this meet of meets! If you focus on culture -- as symbolized by language -- Europe truly bestrides the athletic world like the veritable Colossus of Rhodes! Broken down by European language groups:
Germanic: 106
Slavic: 50
Italic (Romance languages): 46
Greek: 3
Indic: 1
Non Indo-European: 72
As you can see, more medal winners speak Germanic languages -- led, of course, by German itself, with assistance from peripheral languages such as Dutch and English -- than all non Indo-European languages combined! Truly, Europe still reigns supreme.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 09:35 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
August 19, 2004
American media foolishness continues!
Once again, due to the lapses of the unaccountable corporatist American media, it is up to me to give you the true medal count as determined the only rational way, by continents!
Europe: 109
Asia: 64
North America: 35
Australia: 16
South America: 4
Africa: 4
Antarctica: 0
Host continent Europe is now pulling away from upstart Asia, as you see! Truly, European values continue to be the greatest, and if the United States would only embrace truly European values and support Canada (one medal), Mexico (none), and Central America (none) then North America might challenge. (International standards for island nations apply, so Cuba is considered part of North America.)
Posted by Mac Thomason at 09:36 AM | Comments (5) | TrackBack
August 17, 2004
Stupid American media!
SI.com - Olympics - Medal Tracker - Total
Sure, if you count the medal results by nation, you have China with the most, followed by a tie between the United States and Australia. But this is Cold War thinking! Look at it the modern way, by continents!
Europe: 59
Asia: 42
North America: 18
Australia: 13
South America: 3
Africa: 1
Antarctica: 0
(Russia is considered European, but Turkey, which must give up its pipe dream of EU membership, is Asian.)
Posted by Mac Thomason at 12:11 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack
August 16, 2004
It serves you right, America!
ESPN.com - OLY/SUMMER04/BASKETBALL - Puerto Rico stuns Team USA with decisive win
Greetings from Athens! While the talk here is mostly of the magnificent showing so far of the powerhouse French women's fencers, who took two medals yesterday, I have been asked to comment on the complete and utter humiliation of the United States Men's Basketball Team -- and by implication, all 280 million Americans -- by oppressed colonial outpost Puerto Rico.
To me, this result is an indicator -- nay, a symbol! -- of the utter failure of United States colonial policy. By neither fully embracing Puerto Rico, and making it an integral part of the United States, nor fully oppressing it and making it too downtrodden to compete, the USA has doomed itself. Do you think France would allow itself to be humiliated by Tahiti?
Posted by Mac Thomason at 09:03 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
August 13, 2004
Olympic Greetings from Captain Euro!
Bonjour from Athens, the birthplace of European Civilization! Yes, it is I, Captain Euro, and I am here to see that celebration of togetherness, Les Olympiques! I will periodically bring you updates on some of the most exciting events on the schedule, such as Team Handball (can the French women win the gold?) Synchronized Swimming (can the French women win the gold?) and, of course, Soccer (can the French women win the gold?)
It was my intention to bring you a report of the opening ceremonies, but alas, the ceremonies have been closed to the public due to security concerns. I do have a preliminary schedule for the event, to be held in front of 80,000 security personnel in the brand-new Olympic Stadium, built under Greece's new "Just-In-Time" construction policy.
One highlight, as always, will be the Playing of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, an Olympic tradition. There will be traditional Greek dancing and music as well, though they have rejected my call to have traditional Greek musicians play Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. For the children of the security personnel, there will be the amusing antics of Athens Olympic mascots Phevos and Athena, assuming that the organizers can find someone willing to wear the costumes. The Olympic torch will be lit by security personnel using anti-riot flamethrowers.
Then there will be the march of the athletes. Traditionally, the Greek team marches at the front of the parade, but as the host team they will instead march last. It's all very exciting waiting to see who will march first! And, of course, there will be the traditional Booing of the Americans. The 80,000 security personnel have been practicing very hard for this part, and they think they have some new booing that will surprise even the French.
Then, what I always consider the most thrilling event of the entire Olympics, the athletes' oath:
On my honor, I will do my best
To do my duty to God and my country and to obey the Olympic Regulations;
To help other people at all times;
To keep myself physically strong, mentally awake and morally straight.
The excitement continues with the speeches by the organizers and IOC President Rogge. I could listen to that man talk all day! Finally, the event will dwindle out.
Au Revoir for now!
Posted by Mac Thomason at 08:23 AM | Comments (4) | TrackBack
April 16, 2004
Zawahiri, Captain Euro reach peace agreement
(After CNN.com - Likely bin Laden tape offers truce to Europe - Apr 15, 2004.)
Zawahiri, Captain Euro reach peace agreement
Spain, Portugal, Sicily to be turned over to Arabs
REUTERS
Apr. 16, 2004
ZURICH -- On the heels of a truce offer made via audiotape by al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden (STORIES), a peace agreement has been reached between al-Qaeda second in command Ayman al-Zawahiri (STORIES) and European superhero Captain Euro (STORIES). Though the agreement is not legally binding and Captain Euro has in the words of European Union spokesman "absolutely no authority" to negotiate for the EU, the agreement reached is the brightest hope yet in the attempts to reach a peace between the two sides.
According to the terms of the agreement, the island of Sicily, hitherto part of the European nation of Italy, will be returned to Arab control as part of the nation of Tunisia. The governments of Spain and Portugal will be required to step down and will be replaced by a ruling council of imminent Islamic leaders led by bin Laden as Sultan of Toledo. Sharia law will be imposed on the Iberian peninsula, and all those unwilling to comply with the traditional Islamic code will be given fourteen days to leave. Upon this news, France closed its borders. In exchange for the concessions, al-Qaeda promised to not kill any Europeans for the next two years. "Unless they're Jews," said Zawahiri in a press conference. "Or look like Jews. Or are in the same place as any Jews. Or Americans."
CAPTAIN EURO SPEAKS
Captain Euro, speaking to reporters in a press conference announcing the agreement, said that he regretted the need to turn over large areas considered traditionally European and Christian, but that "It was necessary to make some concessions in order to build a lasting peace."
"Though these areas have been part of Christian Europe,' added Captain Euro, "we must not forget that they were part of the Islamic Empire before that, and their loss still tears at the Islamic soul. Until the questions of Sicily and al-Andalus are resolved, no lasting peace is possible."
EUROPEAN LEADERS REACT
European leaders were outraged by the settlement and pledged not to obey its terms. Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi pledged that Captain Euro "would have a long talk with some Sicilian friends of mine" when he left Switzerland. Spanish Prime Minister Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero said that he felt that Spain had already made enough concessions to al-Qaeda. Portuguese Prime Minister Jose Manuel Durao Barroso said that while he was "gratified" that someone remembered that not all of the Iberian peninsula was controlled by Spain, he could not in good conscience turn over control of his country.
WORLD REACTION
UN Secretary General Kofi Annan, congratulated Captain Euro and Zawahiri on their "historic agreement" and called on both sides to honor "the Zurich Agreement".
US President George W. Bush, when asked for comment, stared blankly into cameras for thirty seconds and then said "I'm sorry, I can't think of anything." Presumptive Democratic Presidential nominee John Kerry was rollerblading and could not be reached for comment.
Iranian Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei condemned the agreement, saying that al-Qaeda had sacrificed Islamic claims to Greece and the Balkan peninsula.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 08:10 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
February 05, 2004
My territory violated
Though after all the copyrights I've violated, I don't have much of a case.
(Graciously pointed out by Charles Kuffner.)
Posted by Mac Thomason at 02:03 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
December 15, 2003
The Mouth of Sauron and the Mouth of Europe
ARAGORN, GANDALF, and the Captains of the West are standing outside the Black Gate. GIMLI, LEGOLAS, and PIPPIN are around as well. The gate is thrown open with a great clang, and out of it comes an embassy from the Black Tower. At its head rides a tall and evil shape, mounted upon a black horse, if horse it is.
MOS: I am the Mouth of Sauron.
GIMLI (sotto voce): How proud your parents must be.
LEGOLAS: Shh!
MOS: Is there anyone in this rout with authority to treat with me? (Looks at ARAGORN.) Not thou at least! It needs more to make a king than a piece of Elvish glass, or a rabble such as this. Why, any brigand of the hills can show as good a following! (ARAGORN looks at him steelily, and the MOS quails.) I am a herald and ambassador, and may not be assailed!
GANDALF: Where such laws hold, it is also the custom for ambassadors to use less insolence. But no one has threatened you.
MOS: So! Then you are the spokesman, old greybeard? Have we not heard of thee at whiles, and of thy wanderings? I don't know the man in the shiny suit, however.
All look to see the man in a strange costume approaching the parley.
ARAGORN: Oh, no.
From behind the Gate come eight unearthly shrieks of agony.
CAPTAIN EURO: Hail, comrades! I am Captain Euro, and I am here to negotiate a peace settlement!
MOS: Who is this buffoon?
GANDALF: He is from the future. Or a future. Don't think about it.
EURO: Gandalf, mon ami! That was quite a fine joke you played on me with your letter! You actually convinced Frodo to avoid me. Still, we can laugh about it now.
MOS: Enough! I have tokens that I was bidden to show to thee!
He displays Sam's short sword, Frodo's cloak, and Frodo's mithril chainmail. PIPPIN gasps.
MOS: So you have yet another of these imps with you! What use you find in them I cannot guess; but to send them as spies into Mordor is beyond even your accustomed folly.
EURO: Imps? I will have you know that this sort of labeling comes very close to hate speech, and should not be used, especially in such a formal setting. Hobbits are a very courageous and sturdy people, and I will not have them maligned. Even now, two of them are --
ARAGORN jumps on EURO, covering his mouth with one hand and choking him with the other.
GANDALF: Aragorn, choke him not. I have a feeling even such as he may yet have a part to play. Please, allow him to speak, as long as he (whispering) doesn't give anything away.
Reluctantly, ARAGORN allows EURO to rise.
ARAGORN: I hope we don't regret this, Gandalf.
EURO: Thank you, mon ami. This barbarian clearly does not understand that such tactics are not to be used at a solemn negotiation session. Now, we need to understand what the negotiating positions are. Mr. Mouth of Sauron, what are your demands?
MOS: Um... give me a minute... Yes. These are the terms. The rabble of Gondor and its deluded allies shall withdraw at once beyond the Anduin, first taking oaths never again to assail Sauron the Great in arms, open or secret. All lands east of the Anduin shall be Sauron's forever, solely. West of the Anduin as far as the Misty Mountains and the Gap of Rohan shall be tributary to Mordor, and men there shall bear no weapons, but shall have leave to govern their own affairs. But they shall help to rebuild Isengard which they have wantonly destroyed, and that shall be Sauron's. Oh, and I'll be in charge there.
GANDALF: This is much to demand for the delivery of one servant: that your Master should receive in exchange what he must fight many a war to gain!
EURO: War! Gandalf, be reasonable. We should try to prevent war at all costs! Sauron has made his demands, and in my opinion he has legitimate historical claims to make. All the lands the Mouth of Sauron speaks of were Sauron's once, correct?
ARAGORN: That was over three thousand years ago.
EURO: Still, he remembers! And your people came here and displaced him! No wonder he feels this way. You have to understand that Sauron has feelings too, and respect his cultural norms.
ARAGORN and MOS: Sauron has cultural norms?
EURO: Land for peace! That is what we need here. This war must end, now, before there is any more bloodshed. Sauron has made what I feel is a fair starting position for debate. Do the Captains of the West have a counter-offer?
ARAGORN: Sauron goes away and never comes back. That is our counter-offer.
EURO: Gandalf, please make him be reasonable! Now, I think you should seriously consider Sauron's offer. He wants peace, we all do. I think he will be satisfied with the first part of his demand, that Ithilien and other lands east of Anduin be confirmed as his in perpetuity, and that you end attacks upon his soldiers. The first will only recognize what is already evident, and the second will benefit both sides!
MOS: The demands are all of a piece, and we shall not yield any part of it.
EURO: He does seem very determined. Perhaps you should consider doing what he says in the interest of peace.
GANDALF: Enough! These shall we take! (He casts off his grey cloak and a white light shines forth like a sword in this black place. The MOS recoils, and Gandalf takes the tokens, coat, cloak and sword.) As for your terms, we reject them utterly!
EURO: Gentlemen, please! This will not help us find peace!
The MOS rides off with his escort. His soldiers blow their horns in signal, and Sauron springs his trap. A great host streams out of the gate.
EURO: Nobody ever wins a war! Only at the negotiating table will anything be settled! Gandalf? (GANDALF, ARAGORN, and the rest are making ready for battle.) Foolishness. They will never learn. Sacre bleu! That is a big bird!
GANDALF (looking up): The Eagles are coming! The Eagles are coming!
(Characters and quotations from The Return of the King are copyright 1993, 1994 by the Estate of J.R.R. Tolkien. Captain Euro is copyright some European people, but I feel I've made him my own.)
Posted by Mac Thomason at 10:21 AM | Comments (4) | TrackBack
August 11, 2003
Captain Euro vs. the Heat
Captain Euro vs. the Heat
[CAPTAIN EURO has been asked to report to his superiors for a top-secret mission.]
PIERRE: Dieter, why are you over in the corner like that?
DIETER [faintly]: I like it here.
PIERRE: Mon ami, please, we must present a united front.
DIETER: We can do that from opposite sides of the room.
RECEPTIONIST [on speaker]: Monsieurs, Captain Euro is here.
PIERRE: Send him in.
EURO: Ciao, signori! Do you have -- Mon dieu! What is that odor?
PIERRE: What odor?
EURO: It smells like an uncertified waste disposal facility in here!
DIETER [even more faintly]: It's Pierre!
PIERRE: What?
EURO [sniffs]: Yes, it's definitely stronger near you, sir.
PIERRE: Listen, you, I bathed three days ago!
DIETER: It's 38 degrees outside [note: made-up European units] you imbecile! You're sweating like it's 1939!
EURO: Please, sirs, we must accept all European cultures, even if they smell. I understand you have a mission for me.
DIETER [shouting, but still faintly]: We have reason to believe that the current heat wave is the work of human agency!
EURO: I knew it! Those Americans wouldn't sign Kyoto and now they've doomed us all!
PIERRE: Non, that is not it. We believe it is the work of an evil scientist headquartered in Switzerland.
EURO: Those separatists!
DIETER: We believe his plan is to raise to the heat to such a degree that only in the highest elevations will there be a comfortable temperature, and then his chain of summer-themed chateaus will make record profits.
EURO: That capitalist swine! How shall we proceed?
PIERRE: It is my opinion that this crisis is so severe, we must convene the full Committee.
DIETER: That will be difficult, as they are all on vacation.
EURO: Shall we wait until they come off vacation?
DIETER: But September will be too late!
PIERRE: I think it will be possible to assemble the Committee on Committees, at least a quorum, by telephone. We should consult them to determine the best course of action.
[SIX DAYS PASS]
DIETER: So we are resolved: we will assemble the full Committee at once, by videophone. They will be compensated with two extra weeks of vacation in October.
PIERRE: It's too late.
EURO: Oh, no, has he succeeded?
PIERRE: No, I was speaking with MI-5 on the phone. They say that their top agent parachuted in, took out the scientist and dozens of his minions, and blew the place up. They say there's already a cold front coming in and it's raining as usual in England.
EURO: They did this without consulting us? Those unilateralist barbarians!
PIERRE: They say it was an emergency.
EURO: That's no excuse! I am going to London to give them a piece of my mind! [sniffs] Sir, really, if it does rain, could you stand outside in it for awhile?
Posted by Mac Thomason at 12:29 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
July 04, 2003
A Special Fourth of July Message From Captain Euro
Greetings, America. While I understand that to most of you, today is a day of celebration, please forgive me if I do not share your good cheer. This so-called "Independence Day", you see, goes against everything I stand for. While I of course respect the customs of all cultures, the celebration of nationalism is of course repugnant to me as a symbol of nations joining together. Still, I can ignore that in the name of international tranquility.
I understand that many of you will be celebrating the day by setting off fireworks. I implore you, if fireworks are part of your Independence Day celebration, you should restrain yourself to a purely observational role at a government-sanctioned fireworks celebration. If you must set off fireworks yourself, please use the smallest fireworks available and contact your local authorities for safety information.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 12:01 AM | Comments (9) | TrackBack
June 20, 2003
The Space Ghost Group Returns
SPACE GHOST: Greetings! I am Space Ghost, and this is the Space Ghost Group. Our panelists are:
Captain Euro, superhero and marketing pioneer;
The Incredible Hulk;
Batman, the Dark Knight;
And Zorak, lone Mantis of the Apocalypse.
Issue One: The Bush tax cut. Critics charge that it's simply a giveaway to the superrich and isn't what's needed for the economy. Batman?
BATMAN: Why are you asking me? Are you saying that I'm superrich? Because I'm not, you know. I'm just a simple superhero.
SG: Uh, right. Captain Euro?
EURO: Ha! Now the true colors of the cowboy Bush regime are shown! Tax rates in this country are already far too low! You must raise tax rates on all so that the redistribution of wealth can proceed!
SG: Wrong! [ZAPS CAPTAIN EURO WITH HIS POWER BANDS.] Hulk?
HULK: Hulk have clip.
SG: What?
HULK: Hulk movie out nationwide starting today. Hulk have clip. Show clip!
SG: Uh, this isn't really the forum for that.
HULK: SHOW CLIP!
SG: All right. Moltar, roll the clip.
GUY PLAYING BRUCE BANNER: Oh, Betty, there's some animal inside me!
JENNIFER CONNOLLY: That's all right Bruce. We'll get through this together.
GPBB: No, Betty, you don't understand...
JC: What is it Bruce?
GPBB: I like it.
HULK: What?!? That not Hulk! That little man play Banner! Hulk brought wrong clip!
SG: Wait, Hulk, don't smash the set! Smash Captain Euro instead!
EURO: [GROGGILY] Wha? Non!
HULK: Hulk smash! [HE SMASHES CAPTAIN EURO.]
SG: Right. Now, Issue Two:
ZORAK: Wait! You never finished issue one!
SG: I didn't? What was it?
ZORAK: The Bush tax cut, you fool!
SG: Doesn't everyone know that that's just a huge giveaway to the rich that will hurt future generations?
ZORAK: Yes, but we're pretending it isn't.
SG: All right then, Issue Two: Tom DeLay using the Department of Homeland Security to track fugitive Texas Democrats. Is this a proper use of his authority? Zorak?
ZORAK: All hail Tom DeLay! If one has the power, there is no improper use of authority.
SG: You mean, like this? [HE ZAPS ZORAK.]
ZORAK: [SCREAMS]
SG: Batman?
BATMAN: While I have never shied from using extralegal means to accomplish a goal, I would never do so in pursuit of narrow partisan interest.
SG: Correct! I think. Issue Three: French labor strife. Is the Republic breaking down? Captain Euro?
EURO: I had Jell-O today.
SG: Too much for him, I guess. Hulk?
HULK: Hulk smash Ang Lee!
SG: Right. Uh, Batman?
[BATMAN'S CHAIR IS EMPTY]
SG: Where did he go?
ZORAK: [Coughs.] Ha! Your show is ruined, again!
SG: Well, at least I don't have to deal with journalists.
MOLTAR [V/O]: The Space Ghost Group is made possible by a generous grant from Archer Daniel Midlands Corporation, a division of Lexcorp. And by generous support from viewers like you.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 09:26 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
May 07, 2003
Captain Euro in Baghdad
[In OCCUPIED BAGHDAD, a U.S. Army COLONEL is overseeing the distribution of food aid; he is joined by his AIDE and a SERGEANT.]
AIDE: I'm sorry, all we have are MREs. No, we don't like them either.
CAPTAIN EURO: Bonjour, mes amis! I have returned!
COLONEL: Oh, no.
SERGEANT: Do you want me to shoot him, sir?
COLONEL: No, you'd better not. [THINKS] Well, not yet.
EURO: My friend, the colonel! I hope there are no hard feelings about the situation at the border?
COLONEL: No, of course not. Look, we're very busy and we...
EURO: Excellent! I am here to help with peacekeeping in Iraq! Let no one say that the European Union doesn't care about the people of Iraq!
SERGEANT: [Sotto voce] The European Union doesn't care about the people of Iraq. There.
COLONEL: Well, that's fine news. Why don't you go over there to the western part of town, it's very...
EURO: Non, non. Your General Franks was most insistent that I be attached to your unit for the duration.
AIDE: I told you to let the General win.
COLONEL: Shh! [To EURO] Why, Captain, that's a splendid idea. The lieutenant here will be my liaison to you, of course. Let him show you around.
AIDE: But, sir!
COLONEL: I insist. It's a great sacrifice, of course. But we should be courteous to our European allies. [He quickly flees the scene.]
AIDE: [Sighs] Well, Captain, this is a great honor. Let me get one of our most experienced men to help you get settled in. Sergeant! Sergeant? [Looks around] Where did he go? I'll get him for this.
EURO: Well, Lieutenant, shall we begin?
AIDE: Might as well get this over with.
[They march off.]
EURO: Lieutenant, I have something very important to show you. As you know, the governments I represent are very concerned about the loss of Iraqi antiquities during the recent unpleasantness.
AIDE: Of course they are.
EURO: Well, here on this very streetcorner, I found ancient artifacts for sale! Here, look at this.
AIDE: It's a bar of soap.
EURO: Soapstone! It's a five-thousand year old Sumerian tablet that tells the story of Gilgamesh!
AIDE: Look, it still has "Ivory" written on the other side.
EURO: Ivory?!? But that's illegal under all international agreements!
AIDE: No, it's not actual ivory, it's... You're right, it's a tragedy. I'll be sure to bring it to the attention of my superiors.
MOHAMMED SAEED AL-SAHAF: Halt, infidel scum!
AIDE: Why?
AL-SAHAF: Because I have a gun!
AIDE: No, you don't. You just made your thumb and finger like a gun and pointed it at us.
AL-SAHAF: Of course I have a gun. It is infamous how you imperialists claim that I do not have a gun. If you were in Baghdad, which you aren't.
EURO: You better do what he says, he has a gun!
AIDE: He does not. Look, I'll prove it. (He grabs AL-SAHAF's finger and twists it, bringing him to the ground in tears.) See?
EURO: Maybe he doesn't want to shoot you.
AIDE: He doesn't have a gun! He's been trying to surrender to us for the last week, but we aren't accepting. He's just trying to be annoying enough that we capture him just to shut him up.
AL-SAHAF: Typical claims of the crusader invaders! They have all been killed, most of them. I am merciful and will not kill you for this treachery.
EURO: Thank you, sir!
AIDE: Oh, come on! [He leaves. EURO stays behind.]
AL-SAHAF: Uh, so, can I surrender to you?
[CAPTAIN EURO is TM some European propaganda agency. MOHAMMED SAEED AL-SAHAF may or may not be dead and is asked to immediately contact al-Arabiya satellite television.]
Posted by Mac Thomason at 10:23 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
March 19, 2003
Captain Euro, Victim of Espionage
HEADLINE: Listening Devices Are Found in EU Offices
Captain Euro, Victim of Espionage
[The following transcript is from recently declassified U.S. Government intelligence gathered from listening devices at EU headquarters in Brussels.]
FIRST VOICE: Zut alors! The Americans are really going to war!
SECOND VOICE: Calm down, Pierre. We must remain sensible during this crisis.
PIERRE: But, Dieter, if the Americans find the documents then [inaudible] prison if we’re lucky.
DIETER: This is true. It would never do for the world to find out about [inaudible] doomed. [BUZZER] Mademoisselle, send in Captain Euro.
CAPTAIN EURO: Reporting for duty! Can you believe the nerve of the Americans? And the British, they’re not truly European at all.
DIETER: Never mind that, Captain. We have a very important duty for you.
PIERRE: The entire future of the Union relies on this.
EURO: But the Spanish! I’m very disappointed in them. They have always seemed to be good members of the community, and now they’re acting unilaterally. They just don’t understand that the important thing is to –
PIERRE: Enough! We agree with you, of course, Captain. But for the sake of the EU, we must move on.
EURO: But of course. What is it you need me to do?
DIETER: There are certain documents…
PIERRE: Important, propietary documents.
DIETER: Yes, that have fallen into the hands of Saddam Hussein.
EURO: Oh, yes, he’s a strong leader. Did I ever tell you about the time that I –
DIETER: Captain! It is important that the Americans and British not discover those documents.
EURO: Why?
PIERRE: Are you questioning us? We are duly appointed bureaucrats, Captain.
EURO: But of course. I apologize.
DIETER: Anyway, Captain, we need you to go to Baghdad and recover – or failing that, destroy – those documents.
EURO: Baghdad? But the Americans are about to start bombing there. Carpet bombing, according to all the papers!
DIETER: Of course. It’s a highly dangerous mission. That’s why you’re the only man we can afford to -- uh, trust with this important matter.
PIERRE: We are counting on you.
EURO: Oh, I am so honored. [SNIFFLES]
PIERRE: Anyway, Captain, there is a secret flight into Damascus tonight. Once there you will cross the border at
[The remainder of this document is classified.]
Posted by Mac Thomason at 10:20 AM | Comments (5) | TrackBack
January 03, 2003
Middle Earth Is Europe
(This is part of the Tolkien Eleventy-First Birthday Blogburst.)
[SCENE: FRODO and his companions have just arrived at the Prancing Pony Inn and sat down in the common room. Frodo notices a strange man in the corner of the room.]
FRODO: Mr. Butterbur, who is that man sitting alone in the corner?
BARLIMAN BUTTERBUR: Oh, he's one of them Rangers. I never heard his right name, but folks around here call him Strider because of them long legs of his. You be careful of him.
FRODO: No, the man next to him.
BUTTERBUR: Oh, him. He calls himself Captain Euro, whatever that means.
SAM GAMGEE: Queer name.
BUTTERBUR: You're right there, little master. I don't know where he comes from, he just showed up a few days ago and started telling me I had to sell ale in clearly marked millillillyleeters, whatever those are. I told him, nobody in Bree even sells millillillyleeters, but he don't listen. But he's harmless, I think.
FRODO: Are you sure you haven't seen Gandalf?
BUTTERBUR: Now, little master, I could hardly forget that, could I? Now, I have a bar to run, but if you have any more questions, just come and get me.
SAM: I don't like it here, Mr. Frodo. There are too many strange people about.
[CAPTAIN EURO approaches.]
EURO: Hello, sir. I am Captain Euro, and I am here to aid you in your quest!
FRODO [suspiciously]: Did Gandalf send you?
EURO: Non, non. It is very complicated. Let's just say that it involves a temporal displacement caused by extreme deconstructionist readings of mid-twentieth century British literature.
SAM: Was that Elvish, Mr. Frodo?
FRODO: I don't think so, Sam.
EURO: It really is not important, and I don't expect you to understand the dynamics. Just know, Frodo Baggins, I am here to help you to take the Ring to Rivendell!
[A hush falls over the room.]
FRODO: Shh! It's a secret! And how did you know my name?
EURO: Ah, but of course. Still, I am sure we can trust all the good people in this room!
[BILL FERNY, HARRY GOATLEAF, and a SQUINT-EYED SOUTHERNER leave the Inn together.]
STRIDER: Is this man bothering you, Mr. Underhill?
FRODO: Not as much as I'm going to be bothered in a little bit, I'm afraid. And who are you?
STRIDER: I'm a friend. [He looks at EURO.] Of yours, anyway.
SAM: Mr. Frodo, I think we'd better leave now!
BUTTERBUR: Are you Mr. Baggins, then? I thought you were Mr. Underhill. I have a letter for Mr. Baggins. From Gandalf.
FRODO: Yes, I'm Mr. Baggins. I need to see that letter! [He opens up the letter and begins reading. EURO tries to see over his shoulder.]
EURO: Terrible style, really. Is there anything in there about me?
FRODO: No, well, wait... [READING ALOUD] "If you meet a man in bright clothes and calling himself Captain Euro, you had probably better avoid him. He isn't working for the Enemy but he's very annoying."
EURO: "Annoying"! Ha! I'll have you know that I am an official European superhero!
FRODO: Strider, it says we should go with you.
SAM: Are you sure this is the real Strider?
EURO: He's the real Strider, but he's a representative of an outmoded nationalist order, anyway. You really should come with me.
STRIDER: I'm what?
EURO: It's not your fault, of course, but really, it's time that Middle Earth moved into the post-Numenorean era.
STRIDER: I think we'd better get going.
EURO: And really, doesn't Sauron have legitimate grievances here? The Ring is technically his property stolen by Isildur. And Gondor was really part of his sphere of influence. Really, the Dunedain were the aggressors and he was only defending his own interests. While that doesn't excuse his current actions, we must have sympathy for him.
STRIDER: Right. I don't need a sword to take care of you.
[A hideous scream comes from outside.]
STRIDER: Nazgul! We're undone. Quick, go towards the fire, maybe I can hold them off.
FRODO: Wait, I have an idea. [To EURO:] Mr. Euro, why don't you go and talk to the Black Riders outside. Maybe if you give them our side of the story, we can settle this without bloodshed.
EURO: An excellent idea! Only through negotiation can we have true peace! [He leaves. Soon the RINGWRAITHS' screams are even more heartfelt and tortured.]
STRIDER: He won't hold them for long. We need to flee quickly.
SAM: Shouldn't we get Mr. Merry and Mr. Pippin?
FRODO: No, I think they'll be safe enough here. I don't know why I brought them anyway.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 08:02 AM | Comments (6)
December 16, 2002
Captain Euro Goes To Nigeria
[In a private electronic communication, Our Hero was informed of the plight of MRS. MARIAN ABACHA, widow to the Former Military Head of State, Late General Sanni Abacha, who died suddenly as a result of Cardiac Arrest on 8th of June 1998. Mrs. Abacha needed to get a large sum of money out of the country and asked for Captain Euro's bank account number for help, offering a substantial tip. Captain Euro is not greedy, however, and has departed for Nigeria in order to help her in person.]
EURO: Pardon me, I'm looking for Mrs. Marian Abacha?
VOICE: Go away!
EURO: Please, open the door! I mean you no harm!
VOICE: [Opens door a crack] What do you want?
EURO: I am here to help Mrs. Marian Abacha. I understand she needs to get some money out of the country.
VOICE: Nobody like that here.
EURO: Oh, merde. Nobody seems to know where she is. By the way, where is everybody? This street seems uncommonly deserted.
VOICE: Don't you know? The riots are headed this way! [Shouts in the distance.] They're coming. Quick, get inside, I need to barricade the door!
EURO: Riots? You can't hide from rioters. You only need to listen to their concerns and calm them down.
VOICE: It's your funeral. [Closes door. Banging can be heard from inside the house, but is quickly drowned out by the sound of the RIOTERS.]
EURO: Citoyens, what seems to be the trouble?
RIOTER: A European! Get him! [Throws a rock at EURO. It hits him in the head.]
EURO: Ow. Please, gentlemen, let us discuss this like rational men. [The RIOTERS throw more rocks, eventually bringing EURO to his knees.] Please, ow, don -- OW!
[As the RIOTERS approach, EURO is dragged away by a golden lasso.]
WONDER WOMAN: What were you trying to do there? You can't just stand there and let them hit you with rocks. [A rock sails towards them, but WW deflects it with her bracelet and it harmlessly falls on EURO's head.]
EURO: Ow. Cover yourself, woman!
WW: What?
EURO: No wonder they're rioting, what with your scandalous attire!
WW: I just got here. They're rioting because someone made a joke, I think. [She drags EURO out of the path of the riot.]
EURO: Well, you certainly shouldn't encourage them. There's a shop near here where you can get an abaya.
[WW ignores him and flies off. A dazed EURO sees three SOLDIERS walk up.]
SERGEANT: Mister, you better leave. This isn't the place for an unarmed European right now.
EURO: But I was looking... Oh, I tried, and that's what's important.
CORPORAL: Hey, was that Wonder Woman who just flew away? And I missed her. First they move the beauty contest, and now this. [A confused EURO staggers off in the soldiers' tow.]
[TWO MINUTES LATER]
VOICE: Who is it?
MRS. MIRIAM ABACHA: Excuse me, I heard someone was looking for me?
Posted by Mac Thomason at 10:39 AM | Comments (4)
November 26, 2002
I like polls
I have four Captain Euro stories sort of plotted out (some more than others) and I figured I'd leave it up to you. So for at least a week I'll leave the poll on the right up and let the readers decide which I'll write next.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 05:30 PM | Comments (2)
November 20, 2002
Captain Euro and the New Inspections Regime
[HANS BLIX, chief UN weapons inspector, has arrived at a "Presidential Palace" outside of Baghdad. He's under a lot of pressure from the United States and now he has to deal with a newly arrived rookie inspector.]
BILL: Mr. Blix, I was told to come and see you.
BLIX: Yes, yes, what is your name?
BILL: I'm Bill Walker.
BLIX: Oh, yes, the new inspector... An American, hmmph. Well, I'm going to put you with one of my experienced, European men. Captain, would you come over here for a moment?
CAPTAIN EURO: Oui, Monsieur Blix?
BLIX: This is Bill Walker, from America. I need you to keep an eye on him and show him the ropes.
EURO: Ah, come with me, young sir. You're entering a fascinating world here. Ever since the inspections closed down because the Americans were using it to spy I've missed it. I went into superheroing for a time, but really, weapons inspecting is my calling. You're not a spy, are you?
BILL: No, no. I'm not a spy!
EURO: Excellent. I have always found it worthwhile to trust others, myself, but these are untrustworthy times. The cowboy in the White House has forced many to act inappropriately, though of course they're only following cultural imperatives. Now, up here is our first stop, it's the Presidential Kitchen.
[They enter the "Presidential Kitchen". It is larger than most basketball arenas and contains large amounts of equipment labeled in Russian, Chinese, and French.]
BILL: It's kind of large for a kitchen, isn't it?
EURO: Well, you must see, Monsieur Saddam is very fond of his meals. He is a true gourmand. Of course, with the sanctions, he finds it hard to get the proper supplies. He was telling me earlier that if he could only get one or two more ingredients, there would be a proper taste explosion.
BILL: I'm certain there would be. Wait a minute, did you say that Saddam is here?
EURO: Oh yes, he's around. He moves a lot, of course, but our paths do cross.
BILL: Fascinating. You know, Captain, I'd really like to meet Saddam.
EURO: I will be happy to introduce you. We're very close.
BILL: Somehow, I knew that. You know, those are very unusual outfits the chefs are wearing.
EURO: I thought so too, but it turns out that it is traditional Iraqi chef couture.
BILL: Still, I've never seen a chef's uniform with a hood and a glass faceguard. Um... What's that they're stirring in that big vat?
EURO: I will ask. [Speaks to head chef in broken Arabic.] He says it is split pea soup, a great favorite of President Hussein.
BILL: It seems kind of bright for soup. Should soup be glowing?
EURO: Ah, but the President likes his soup very spicy. It is a great delicacy, unfortunately restricted to the President and his family. Because of the sanctions.
BILL: There seems to be a lot of it there.
EURO: It boils down, of course. Why are you so suspicious?
BILL: Well, we are weapons inspectors.
EURO: That is no reason to be impolite! We are guests in this country, and we should not be prying into affairs that are no concern of ours!
BILL: How do we know they aren't our concern?
EURO: Of course, we must believe the Iraqis when they tell us. Honor is very important in Arabic culture and to disbelieve them would be an affront.
BILL: You've never found any weapons, have you?
EURO: No. Once I thought I found a surface-to-air missile, but the gentleman carrying it explained to me that it was actually a very large baguette.
[They wander out into a hallway.]
BILL: I'm an American, so I'm not that familiar with palaces, but doesn't this one seem somewhat strange to you?
EURO: Why, whatever do you mean?
BILL: Well, it's all concrete, and there are these exposed pipes, and I've never heard of a palace built 1000 feet underground.
EURO: You Americans and your wacky non-metric measurements! Anyway, the sanctions have hit Saddam very hard, and he was unable to finish and decorate his palace as he so desired. It is a great tragedy. And building deep underground is a fine Arabic tradition.
BILL: You know, I'd never heard that before.
EURO: I am assured that it is true.
BILL: Remarkable. What's in this closet here?
EURO: Stop! We aren't allowed to look in there! It is a very special Presidential closet and it would bring great shame to the Iraqi people if Westerners were to open it and look inside.
[BILL opens the closet anyway.]
BILL: You're right, Captain. It would definitely shame the Iraqi people to know that their absolute ruler collects Barbie dolls.
EURO: Quick, close the door, there's somebody coming!
[Six heavily-armed guards march by. They are surrounding a single man, wearing a heavily decorated uniform and a mustache.]
BILL: Hey, it's Saddam!
EURO: Non. It is merely one of his lookalikes.
BILL: How can you tell?
EURO: When you are a superhero, you know these things. Still, if you wish to meet the President, I think I can find him.
BILL: Well, that would be... great. Just great.
EURO: Okay, follow me, mon frere.
[EURO guides BILL down some stairs and into PRESIDENTIAL BUNKER NUMBER 73.]
EURO: Mr. President, I would like to introduce you to Bill, who has just joined our inspection team. He's very eager to help you in any way he can.
SADDAM: Thank you, Captain Euro. I am always ready to help the UN and its Inspection Team.
BILL: Gosh, Mr. President, this is such an honor. I'm... I'm overcome. Excuse me, I have to call the Pen... Uh, the State Pen. My father's there. He's a political prisoner, of course. Hold on one minute, I'd better go upstairs to get a signal. [BILL pulls out a cell phone as he runs upstairs.]
EURO: Americans are very odd people, are they not? So immature.
SADDAM: Yes, yes. Did you bring the "brie"?
EURO: Yes, Mr. President. I understand how hard it is for you to satisfy your hunger under these brutal sanctions. Still, I don't know if this will help. It seems rather warm.
[EURO hands SADDAM a largish metal box.]
SADDAM: Don't worry, I like it warm. Thank you so very much.
[Suddenly, a bunker-busting bomb breaks through the ceiling and collapses the room.]
[EURO digs out from under the rubble.]
EURO: Mr. President? Sir? Oh, dear. And your brie is crushed as well. I knew it wasn't good, it's gone all green. I suppose it doesn't matter now.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 01:05 PM | Comments (1)
September 24, 2002
Captain Euro Goes To Sunnydale
The following is part of a blogburst, a simultaneous, cross-linked posting of many blogs on a single theme. This blogburst concerns Buffy the Vampire Slayer and its spinoff series, Angel. For a guide to other Buffy/Angel articles, go to The Buffy BlogBurst Index.
Captain Euro Goes to Sunnydale
[BUFFY has gotten word that a group of demons is attempting to raise a master demon that will destroy the world. Again. She and SPIKE are on their way to stop them. They stand at the entry of an alleyway, the end of which is the demon nest.]
SPIKE: Right, Slayer, I’ve fought these demons before. What we need to do is—
BUFFY: Go in, fight, behead, go home.
SPIKE: Sounds good.
CAPTAIN EURO: Excuse me, citoyens, may I be of assistance?
SPIKE: Nice outfit. Lose a bet?
BUFFY: Who are you?
EURO: I am Captain Euro, the incarnation of the striving towards unity of all European people!
[BUFFY and SPIKE laugh.]
BUFFY: Okay, can you go incarnate somewhere else? It’s not very safe around here right now.
EURO: Because of the demons?
BUFFY: How did you -- I mean, what are you talking about?
EURO: I know that you are the Vampire Slayer, and that you are attempting to wage war against the demons whom you believe are about to destroy the world.
SPIKE: Pretty close. Luv, is there anyone left who doesn’t know you’re the Slayer?
XANDER: Who doesn’t know you’re the Slayer?
BUFFY: Xander! Why are you here?
XANDER: I figured I’d help out. You know, backup, just in case some demon makes a run for it.
SPIKE: Yeah, you wouldn’t want them to have to go very far without a snack.
XANDER: You listen, bub, I’ve been in a lot of fights and I’ve played my part. Admittedly, my part has mostly been “Man who gets knocked on his butt”, but…
EURO: Monsieur, please, this is a place for professionals.
XANDER: Cool, a superhero!
BUFFY: You’re right, this is a place for professionals. So stay here while I --
EURO: Kill them?
BUFFY: Of course!
SPIKE: Duh!
EURO: Ah, violence. So typical of the young. Instead of discussing things rationally, you demonize your adversary and then try to destroy him.
BUFFY: Demonize? You can’t demonize them, they are demons!
EURO: See! You’ve already done it!
BUFFY: This is useless.
EURO: Precisely my point. When will you understand that dialogue is the key to solving problems? Nothing is ever accomplished through violence.
XANDER: Well, they wouldn’t be able to destroy the world. I kinda think that’s a net plus.
SPIKE: Plus, it’s fun.
EURO: Ah, typical American attitudes.
SPIKE: American?
XANDER: You watch it, buddy. No putting down the U.S. of A.
EURO: And then here come the threats. Ah, so typical.
XANDER: So this is what you do, huh? You roll into town in your tights and insult people with your nose-up-in-the-air attitude? I need any insulting done, I can get it at home, I don’t need your contribution.
SPIKE: And I’ll insult him.
XANDER: Right, Spike can insult me. Lord knows, that’s the only way he ever gets to hurt anyone anymore.
SPIKE: Mate, don’t push your luck.
XANDER: Or what, you’ll have a headache at me? Bring it on, blondie.
EURO: And is this not also so typical of Americans, you can’t even have a simple conversation among yourselves without resorting to threats.
SPIKE: You call me an American again, and I’ll rip your head off even if it makes my head explode.
EURO: English, then. You’re basically the same, unable to see anything from anyone else’s perspective.
SPIKE: You’re about to cross the line, mate.
EURO: Why can’t you be more like your brethren the Irish, who are peaceful members of the world community?
SPIKE : Irish? That does it.
[SPIKE punches EURO in the face. Both fall to the ground holding their heads.]
XANDER: You know, I really like it when he hits people and his chip goes off, Buff. [He looks around.] Buff? Buffy?
[BUFFY approaches from the demons’ nest, brushing off her hands.]
BUFFY: You know, this is getting to be almost too easy.
SPIKE: Ow! Slayer, you went in without me?
BUFFY: You boys seemed to be having fun out here, I figured I’d go take care of business. I miss anything?
XANDER: Well, Spike hit the superhero guy.
BUFFY: Why?
EURO: Because he’s immature and can’t take constructive criticism!
XANDER: No, that’s me. The superhero guy said that Spike was an American, then said he should be more Irish and that did it.
BUFFY: Oh. An Angel thing.
SPIKE: It was not an Angel thing! Ow!
EURO: Mademoiselle, am I correct in thinking that you have slain the beings from the end of the alley?
BUFFY: Correct! No need to thank me, all in a day’s work for the Slayer.
EURO: Thank you! Hardly! You have just caused the deaths of those poor folk without even speaking to them first and giving them a chance to mend their ways.
BUFFY: Actually, I did speak to them first. It was a pretty good line, too, I --
EURO: Did you try to negotiate? Give them a chance to surrender?
BUFFY: Come on! They were trying to destroy the world!
EURO: Certainly, that’s what they all say. So instead of negotiating, you just attacked them.
BUFFY: Actually, they attacked me first. So I grabbed the first guy by his left nose and threw him into the second guy, and --
EURO: But they only attacked because you provoked them, correct?
BUFFY: Well, maybe. I noticed a pile of human bones in the back, maybe those people provoked them too.
EURO: Can you prove that the persons in question were actually killed by those you attacked?
BUFFY: I probably could, but what’s the point?
EURO: Is that all you can say? Instead of attempting to discuss your differences rationally, and solve them non-violently, you unilaterally took it upon yourself to destroy them. Americans!
[BUFFY picks up EURO and throws him into a dumpster.]
XANDER: You know, I don’t think he was a real superhero.
BUFFY: Really? What was your first clue?
XANDER: Well, his only power was being super-annoying, and anybody can do that.
BUFFY: You’re telling me? Speaking of which, are you coming, Spike?
SPIKE: Ow! Yeah, give me a minute!
EURO: Merde, somebody threw away some perfectly good recyclable cans! And newspapers! Is that a refrigerator? I can’t believe the Americans allow this sort of thing.
[BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER is copyright 2002 Twentieth Century Fox. CAPTAIN EURO isn’t.]
Posted by Mac Thomason at 08:06 AM | Comments (0)
September 18, 2002
Captain Euro and the Practical Joking Medical Students
[SCENE 1: Our intrepid hero has been sent by the EU to check on the welfare of three medical students detained by the United States government after they were accused of plotting a terrorist attack.]
EURO: Buenos dias, amigos! Me llama Captain Euro. I have been assigned to make sure your rights are not violated.
FIRST MEDICAL STUDENT: You’re our lawyer?
SECOND MEDICAL STUDENT: I hate lawyers.
EURO: Nein, nein. I am merely a humble superhero asked to keep an eye on things by the European Parliament.
THIRD MEDICAL STUDENT: You know, I’m looking into a psychiatry residency, maybe I could help you out.
EURO: I am not insane. But clearly you have become mistrustful because of the psychological burden of this confinement. Be assured that I will help you in any way that does not expose me to personal risk.
TMS: I think you need someone with more experience.
EURO: Seriously, I will bring what help you need. [PAUSE] And if you are connected with terrorism, you can tell me that too. I assure you, your names won’t be involved.
SMS: Oh, so that’s it.
FMS: [S.V.] Let me handle it. [TO EURO:] We really aren’t terrorists, Mr. Euro. But we do know of a political prisoner being in a hospital held right here in Florida. We were on our way to free her when we were caught.
EURO: Really?
FMS: Yes. Let me write down the address for you. Hurry -- and I just hope you’re not too late!
[EURO runs out the door. FMS bursts out laughing.]
**********
[SCENE 2: The next morning, same facility.]
EURO: Thank you for getting me out of that, how do you say, jam?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: No problem, Euro. Now remember: Noelle Bush is not a political prisoner. In fact, her father put her there to keep her out of jail.
EURO: Do not worry, I will not approach her again. Did she have to hit me so hard? At any event, merci beaucoup for rescuing me once again, Captain America. And if I can ever return the favor, please don’t hesitate to call on me.
AMERICA: Yeah, that’s going to happen.
[EURO enters the room in which the students are being held.]
EURO: Ah, so very very amusing, my friends. I hope you got that out of your system.
SMS: Really, Captain, you must forgive. my colleague. He’s given to these fits of so-called humor. This whole thing is really his fault.
FMS: I am so sorry, I tried to stop you before you went. Can we shake hands and make up?
EURO: Tres bien.
[EURO moves to shake his hand, which suddenly detaches from his body. A shocked EURO falls to the floor.]
FMS: [laughs and pulls his real arm from his sleeve.] Ah, the old cadaver arm gag!
EURO: Ah, the famous medical student sense of humor.
FMS: Here, let me help you up.
[He gives EURO his other arm. EURO pulls on it and it too detaches and he falls to the floor. So does FMS, laughing.]
FMS: Twice! Nobody falls for that twice!
SMS: [s.v.] Give it a break, it’s my turn! [TO EURO:] Captain, I have the address of a real group of terrorists. Not here in Florida, but in Washington itself!
EURO: Really? I must go to stop it!
[EURO runs from the room. A few seconds later, he runs back.]
EURO: May I have the address, per favore?
SMS: Here it is, Captain. And hurry!
**********
[SCENE 3: The same detention facility, the next day.]
EURO: Thank you, mon ami. That was a touchy spot you extricated me from.
HULK: Huh? Uh, thanks. How you not know address of White House? Even Hulk know that!
EURO: Please, please. This is embarrassing enough already. And I am not from this country, of course.
HULK: And how you not even recognize White House? Most famous building in country!
EURO: I really do apologize for putting you out.
HULK: Lucky you broke in when President out of town, all I say. Now, you behave!
[EURO walks into the room again, followed by the HULK. All three students see him and break out laughing.]
SMS: I’m sorry, I’m sorry, it was just too easy.
TMS: Really, Captain, you should see the look on your face! But seriously, I have the details of a real terrorist plot!
HULK: Why Euro believe you?
TMS: What reason do you have to not believe me? I have never lied to you! You are judging me by the people around me! And I thought you were enlightened!
EURO: Je suis désolé, you are right. I should not judge you by your colleagues. Now, what is this plot of which you speak?
TMS: Al-qaeda operatives are planning to destabilize Afghanistan by killing President Karzai. They have secretly placed a bomb in his hat.
HULK: Is this joke?
TMS: Would I joke about such a serious matter?
EURO: Of course you would not! To Afghanistan! [EURO runs out.]
TMS: There goes the world’s stupidest man. [To HULK:] Aren’t you going with him?
HULK: Hulk stupid, but not that stupid.
**********
[SCENE 4: Guantanamo Naval Base detention facility, aka “Camp X-Ray”, four days later]
EURO: Gracias, senor. I am sorry to put you to any trouble.
AQUAMAN: No trouble, I usually spend Hurricane Season in the Caribbean. What were you thinking?
EURO: I got a very reliable tip that there was a plan to assassinate President Karzai.
AQUAMAN: So you knocked him down and tried to eat his hat?
EURO: Oui. I would have succeeded, too, if not for those meddling guards.
AQUAMAN: They’re very good guards. The US supplies them. You know, President Karzai is very fond of that hat.
EURO: I am sorry, but it really was a very reliable tip.
AQUAMAN: Well, next time check with someone before you do something like that, okay? Now, I got you out of here but it took a while, I have to get back in the water. There’s a boat here, Florida is that way.
EURO: Er, Aquaman?
AQUAMAN: Yes?
EURO: Could you point me towards somewhere else?
[This is an obvious joke. Any resemblance between any actual medical students suspected of being terrorists and the ones in this story are coincidental. Captain America and the Incredible Hulk are copyright 2002 Marvel Comics. Aquaman is copyright 2002 DC Comics. I spit on the Europeans’ lawyers.]
Posted by Mac Thomason at 03:59 PM | Comments (0)
September 13, 2002
Captain Euro Goes To Florida
(Because Charles asked for it.)
Part One: Hunting Janet Reno
Captain Euro has been sent by the EU to make some sense of the Florida situation. As you might expect, he’s not having much success.
CAPTAIN EURO: Excuse me, madamemoiselle, I’m looking for a woman. She’s about six feet tall, dark hair, glasses?
SNOW WHITE: Listen, mister, this is Disney World, they don’t allow anything like that around here.
EURO: Non, non, nothing like that. I mean, this isn’t Amsterdam! I’m looking for Janet Reno. Here, I think I have a picture somewhere… [Shows them the picture.]
GOOFY: Garsh, nope. Haven’t seen anyone like that.
SNOW: Me neither. Have you tried the Jungle Cruise?
EURO: It was my next stop.
GOOFY: Mind if I tag along?
EURO: If you must. I must tell you, I am a superhero, you might not be able to keep up with me.
GOOFY: Garsh. Well, I’ll try.
[Two hours pass.]
EURO: Merde, these lines are long. Is it always this bad? At EuroDisney, I can get in any ride any time.
GOOFY: Well, this is a weekday, so it’s pretty thin. Okay, now get in the boat here. I talked with the man at the turnstile, he said some tourists from Delaware saw a huge wild man near the hippopotumuses.
EURO: But I am looking for a woman!
GOOFY: You’re looking for Janet Reno.
EURO: Merci beaucoup, mon ami. I will go to her and convince her to return to civilization. Give my best to Snow White.
GOOFY: If it’s okay, I’ll go along with you.
EURO: Well, if you must. Do you think this is the place?
GOOFY: Well, those are the hippos, so we’re probably close. Uh… Garsh.
[They jump out of the boat and wade towards the hippos.]
EURO: Shouldn’t you remove your costume?
GOOFY: No, I don’t think it’s time yet.
EURO: Well, to each his own. Are you sure this is-- [EURO is hit on the back of the head by a log wielded by a deranged JANET RENO. He falls, stunned.]
RENO: You’ll never take me back alive! They may have stolen the election from me, but in the Jungle Cruise set, I’m the governor!
EURO: Uhhhh… [Shakes it off -- his superpower is to quickly recover from any beating. It comes in handy a lot.] Madame Reno, I am here to talk is all! Ask anyone, that’s all I ever do!
GOOFY: That’s true, I’ve only known him two hours and already I’m sick of his voice.
RENO: Okay, talk. But if you make any funny movements, I’ll hit you again.
EURO: Madame, don’t you understand, the election was not really important! It’s the permanent government, the experts, who are the true rulers, not the so-called elected officials! With your experience, you could be a truly great bureaucrat!
RENO: I don’t think I want to listen to you anymore. Time to feed Gus. [She drags EURO towards a pond.]
EURO: Who is Gus. [He looks at the pond.] Zut Alors! C'est un crocodile!
RENO: No, Gus is an alligator. Don’t you know anything? My mother used to wrestle Gus. Of course, he was smaller then.
GOOFY: Wait, Janet! Don’t do it!
RENO: Why not? I’m hurt! I had the nomination and then Bush just gave it to that lawyer! I should have been the next governor!
EURO: Actually, you never could have won. According to the polls, you would have lost the general election handily. Why do you Americans need to have elections anyway, you have such excellent polls!
GOOFY: It’s true. Not about the polls, but the rest of it. It was an uphill battle anyway, and Jeb seems to get away with everything. Everyone knew it.
RENO: Really? I… Nobody told me! I’ve been so busy, I didn’t check the papers or watch TV. Everyone knew it?
EURO: Oui, oui! Please don’t throw me to the crocodile!
RENO: Oh, God, no! Maybe I made a mistake running in the first place.
GOOFY: No, you gave it your best. That’s all that counts. Sometimes, things just don’t work out. Believe me, I know. [HE REMOVES THE HEAD OF HIS COSTUME.]
AL GORE: Forget it, Janet. It’s Florida.
[All references to Walt Disney World, Goofy, Snow White, the Jungle Cruise, or EuroDisney is copyright 2002 the Walt Disney Corporation. If you think I’m going to tangle with them you’re crazy. The EU, on the other hand, can go hang.
I feel kind of bad making fun of Janet Reno, but not bad enough to not do it. And I stole the ending pretty much from a prior adventure, but I don’t care. Next: Captain Euro and the Practical Joking Medical Students!]
Posted by Mac Thomason at 04:24 PM | Comments (0)
August 26, 2002
Captain Euro and the Unrepentent Unilateralists
[SCENE: A column of US Army troops in KUWAIT are headed towards the border with IRAQ. A COLONEL and his AIDE are in the lead humvee, driven by a SERGEANT. They see a man in a brightly colored uniform ahead of them and slow down to investigate]
CAPTAIN EURO: Stop this criminal action!
COLONEL: Excuse me?
EURO: This attack is not sanctioned by the international community! You must go back where you came from and get sanction from the UN!
SERGEANT: [sotto voce] I thought you guys didn’t like the sanctions.
COLONEL: Now, listen here. I have orders from the President to seize… [His AIDE nudges him.] Well, never mind what the orders are, it’s none of your business. But we don’t need to go to the UN.
EURO: I am afraid that you must. Only through international consensus can true peace be found.
COLONEL: We don’t care about international consensus. We’re trying to keep Saddam from getting nuclear weapons!
EURO: I am sure that if he gets nuclear weapons the UN will be willing to authorize a joint international peacekeeping force.
SERGEANT: [sotto voce] “Joint”, let’s go with that.
AIDE: I heard that.
COLONEL: Mister, if we wait until he has nuclear weapons, your peacekeepers would all wind up vaporized. Along with Israel and most of the rest of the Middle East.
EURO: Ah-ha! So the truth comes out! You’re just doing the bidding of the Israelis!
SERGEANT: Can I shoot him, sir?
COLONEL: It’s tempting, but no. [To EURO] Son, we’re acting in our best national interest, which just happens to be in the interests of most everyone else. Now, please get out of the way.
EURO: Non. I will not do that. [He sits down in front of the humvee.]
COLONEL: All right, have it your way. Sergeant, go around him.
SERGEANT: Yes, sir. [He backs up a couple of feet then bypasses EURO to the right. The rest of the column follows him.
EURO: Oh, come on! That’s not fair! Come back! Oh, mierda.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 10:00 AM | Comments (0)
August 06, 2002
Captain Euro versus the Martians
Captain Euro Vs. The Martians
(When we last left our intrepid hero, he was confronting Marvin, leader of the Martian invasion force sent as revenge for the constant human littering of the pristine surface of Mars. The EU and the French government sent the Captain to negotiate while they made desperate calls to the British for help.)
CAPTAIN EURO: Surely, we can discuss this like reasonable beings. We would be willing to pay reparations and offer development assistance.
MARVIN: Silence, Earth-fool! The ancient Martian civilization needs no help from the likes of you! Prepare to die!
EURO: There's no need for violence. Negotiation is...
[MARVIN SHOOTS HIM WITH A ZAP PISTOL]
EURO: AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!! [HE FALLS TO THE GROUND, TWITCHING]
MARVIN: So, you are made of sterner stuff. [PAUSE] I have to admit, I'm surprised.
EURO: I understand that you are only lashing out because you feel powerless. Now, can we at least set the agenda for future talks?
MARVIN: Okay, that's it, you're going to die. Let me just put this on the highest setting... [HE RAISES HIS GUN]
VOICE: Stop!
MARVIN: What? Who are you?
EURO: Oh, helvete, it's the Hulk.
HULK: Hulk smash Martian!
EURO: No, Hulk, you mustn't! He's only a product of his environment!
HULK: Huh? Hulk confused.
MARVIN: I am not a product of my environment! I am a sapient being from an ancient civilization, and I will destroy both of you!
HULK: No! Hulk smash Martian! [HE SMASHES MARVIN]
EURO: Why did you do that? I was starting to get through to him!
HULK: What?!?!?
EURO: Yes, he seemed violent, but I was starting to break through his shell, I could tell.
HULK: What? [HE FALLS TO THE GROUND LAUGHING]
MARVIN: What? [HE STARTS LAUGHING TOO]
HULK: BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAARRRGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! [HE CHANGES INTO DR. BRUCE BANNER]
BANNER: Where am I? What am I doing here?
EURO: You just interfered with my negotiations with this Martian!
BANNER: Martian? There's no such thing as Martians. Mars is cold, dry and lifeless. He's pulling your leg.
EURO: What? If this is so, then you must be...
MARVIN: Yes, it is I! [HE REMOVES HIS DISGUISE]
EURO: Zut alors! C'est Jean-Marie Le Pen!
Posted by Mac Thomason at 11:11 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
July 07, 2002
Space Ghost Group, Ep. 2
Time for another exciting episode of the Space Ghost Group!
SPACE GHOST: Greetings! I am Space Ghost. Today, our guests are:
Captain Euro, the Continent’s foremost socialist superhero;
Dr. Bruce Banner, government research scientist;
Zan of the Wonder Twins, currently in the form of a bucket of icewater, and;
Zorak, Lone Mantis of the Apocalypse.
Issue One, the LAX shooting. Was it terrorism? Zorak!
ZORAK: What a stupid question!
SG: Dr. Banner?
BANNER: If it wasn’t terrorism, then what is? From what I can tell, the government is refusing to call it terrorism for political reasons, but I’m with the Israelis on this. If it’s not terrorism, it will do until something better comes along.
SG: Captain Euro?
EURO: I must compliment the Bush Administration for refusing to use the loaded word “terrorism”. One man’s terrorist is another man’s freedom fighter. I must also complement the FBI for refusing to make any assumptions and instead attempt to find the alleged gunman’s alleged motive.
BANNER: Oh, come on! I don’t think we have to look very hard!
EURO: While I much prefer your presence to the barbarian who sat in that seat previously, I strongly object to your clear bias against Muslims.
BANNER: I’m not prejudiced against Muslims, I’m prejudiced against hatemongers who practice murder out of their own prejudice.
EURO: Look in the mirror, doctor.
BANNER: You’re getting me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.
EURO: I don’t much like you now!
SG: ENOUGH! Correct answer: Terrorism! Next issue, financial scandals. First Enron, then Global Crossing, now Worldcom looks to go down. Even Xerox has been found to be cooking the books. What is to be done? Zan?
ZAN: Jeez, I don’t know. I’m a teenager and an alien, I don’t understand all this money stuff.
SG: Zorak?
ZORAK: All boards of directors should turn over control of their companies to me!
SG: Yeah, right. Captain Euro?
EURO: Clearly, capitalism has failed. Central planning is the truly civilized solution.
ZORAK: Planned by me!
SG: WRONG! Dr. Banner?
BANNER: Well, I work in the public arena, but I think maybe we could use some more regulation. But socialism surely isn’t the answer.
SG: Correct! Issue three, smallpox vaccinations. Should everyone be vaccinated or should they be reserved for those at risk and then used only in an outbreak? Captain Euro?
EURO: The government surely knows far more about these things than the people. If the commissions studying this say that the vaccinations should be held back, we should trust the experts.
SG: WRONG! Zan?
ZAN: Well, I don’t know a lot about this stuff, but it seems pretty sensible to vaccinate everyone we can, just in case.
SG: Correct! Issue four, the International Criminal Court. Should the United States join? Captain Euro.
EURO: But of course. The ICC is not aimed at the US, and all of these fears are far overblown.
SG: Dr. Banner?
BANNER: If the ICC treaty violates the Constitution, or if we feel our people will be persecuted under it, we need to stay out. It’s a nice idea, admittedly.
EURO: Hah, you Americans and your Constitution. As if it’s something sacred. You should submit for the good of all.
BANNER: It is sacred! And that’s not the only reason.
EURO: Simplistic, ever simplistic. You---
BANNER: Listen, I’m getting tired of the insults. Back off.
EURO: As I was saying before I was interrupted, the United States needs to recognize that it’s nothing special and submit to the world’s will. If maybe some Americans suffer, it’s for the good of all.
BANNER: ROAAARGH! (Changes into the Hulk.)
HULK: Hulk smash Euro-weenie!
EURO: Merda.
HULK: (Smashes Captain Euro.)
SG: Uh, Hulk, you…
HULK: What?
ZORAK: You’re nude!
HULK: OOPSIE! Stupid Banner want look good on TV, no wear stretch polyester pants.
SG: Could somebody get him something to cover himself?
(A stagehand runs up with a king size sheet. HULK wraps it around himself.)
HULK: TOGA! TOGA! TOGA!
ZAN: I don’t get it.
SG: This isn’t going very well. Issue five, predictions. Will the Democrats take back the House? Hulk?
HULK: (Burps, drops bucket.) Huh?
ZORAK: He drank Zan!
SG: Hulk, how could you?
HULK: Sorry. Smashing is thirsty work. (Wanders off holding stomach.) Zan not agreeing with me.
ZORAK: Your show is ruined! (Laughs maniacally.)
SG: (Sighs.) Next week, are we going to invade Iraq or not? Until then, farewell!
(Theme music plays.)
MOLTAR [V/O]: The Space Ghost Group is made possible by a generous grant from Archer Daniel Midlands Corporation, a division of Lexcorp. And by generous support from viewers like you.
(Sound of a toilet flushing.)
SG: Hulk, no!
Posted by Mac Thomason at 11:13 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
July 04, 2002
Space Ghost Group, Ep. 1
SPACE GHOST: Greetings! I am Space Ghost, and this is the Space Ghost Group. Our panelists are:
Captain Euro, superhero and pacifist;
The green goliath known as the Hulk;
Blossom, leader of the Powerpuff Girls;
And Aquaman, king of Atlantis.
Issue One, Israeli operations in the West Bank. Captain Euro?
EURO: The Israelis need to show patience with the Palestinian Authority, and allow the peace process to go on, rather than disrupting it with these senseless attacks. Answering violence with violence is never the answer. Only at the negotiating table can we find peace.
SG: WRONG! Hulk?
HULK: HULK SMASH TERRORISTS!
SG: Correct! Issue two, is toxic waste good for fish? Aquaman?
AQUAMAN: That is the stupidest thing I ever heard.
SG: Correct! Issue three, steroids in baseball. Hulk?
HULK: What? Hulk not on steroids! Hulk all natural, work out, exposed to gamma rays!
SG: Right. Captain Euro?
EURO: Baseball, feh. You Americans need to be exposed more to the beauty that is football, or as you mincingly call it, soccer. That is a true sport.
SG: WRONG! Blossom?
BLOSSOM: Gosh, it seems like cheating to me. If there are baseball players using steroids, don’t they have an unfair advantage over all the players who won’t take them because they might be bad for you?
SG: Correct! Issue four, comparing backers of the Euro to Hitler in TV ads. Captain Euro?
EURO: I am deeply offended by this, and when Britain joins the EU we will have to take steps to see it doesn’t ever happen again.
SG: Um, right. Aquaman?
AQUAMAN: Doesn’t matter to me. All that paper money just disolves in salt water. I hope they’re using soy based ink.
SG: Uh… Hulk?
HULK: Hulk laugh and laugh!
EURO: Oh, come now. If anything, we are more like Stalin. Hitler, that’s completely inaccurate. [PAUSE] Merde. Did I just say that out loud?
HULK: Hulk smash Euro-commie!
SG: No, mustn’t smash our fellow panelists. [ZAPS CAPTAIN EURO WITH A BLAST FROM HIS POWER BANDS.] Now, that’s better. Issue five, Adam Sandler movies. Hulk?
HULK: Hulk laugh and laugh!
SG: Uh, okay. Aquaman?
AQUAMAN: I can only spend one hour outside the water, so I can’t go to movies.
SG: Okay, Blossom?
BLOSSOM: Those movies are all PG-13 or R, I’m too young to see them.
SG: Captain Euro?
EURO: (Groans.)
SG: Correct answer: They’re all stupid, and everyone who watches them should be ashamed of themselves! Issue six, Mojo Jojo. Blossom?
BLOSSOM: Gosh, we keep catching him, but he’s a monkey and I guess the jails aren’t set up to keep him. We sent him to the pound once, but they say that’s cruel and unusual punishment.
SG: Captain Euro?
EURO: Ugh… [SHAKES IT OFF] Instead of persecuting poor Mojo Jojo, I think it is incumbent upon us to look at the inequities inherent in the system in Townsville. Mr. Jojo is only a symptom. We need to treat the disease.
HULK: Can Hulk smash puny Euro-weenie now?
SG: Yeah, show’s over, go ahead. Join us next week!
MOLTAR [V/O]: The Space Ghost Group is made possible by a generous grant from Archer Daniel Midlands Corporation, a division of Lexcorp. And by generous support from viewers like you.
(Apologies to the various old SNL sketches I am blatantly ripping off, and to the creators of all the various things satirized here except Captain Euro.)
(UPDATE: Yeah, I probably should have found a way to work Zorak in.)
Posted by Mac Thomason at 11:17 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
June 07, 2002
Captain America meets Captain Euro
Captain America Meets Captain Euro!
[Previously, Captain America and Captain Euro agreed to travel to the Hindu Kush to capture the notorious Osama bin Laden. It isn't going that well.]
CAPTAIN EURO: So, as you can see, only unelected bureaucrats can make the appropriate decisions regarding what businesses should be allowed to do. The voters simply aren't qualified to make those decisions, and businessmen will allow their unfettered greed to overwhelm them. Really, it's in everybody's best interests.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Damn Commie.
[They see a cave.]
AMERICA: This is where the satellite picked up the unusual activity. I better go scope it out.
EURO: Non, je dois aller et parler avec lui.
AMERICA: What? Speak English, I know you can.
EURO: Stupid American, I said I will go and talk to Osama. I am sure he will see reason if we can only speak like rational men.
AMERICA: What? Are you crazy? Osama isn't rational! He's a mass-murdering terrorist!
EURO: "Terrorist" is a judgmental word, and only shows that you are fundamentally immature. It isn't your fault, of course, but surely you must see a more sophisticated approach is necessary.
[He runs off.]
AMERICA: Wait! You...
[He follows. As he catches up with Captain Euro, he sees that two Taliban fighters are preparing to shoot. Quickly, Captain America disarms the nearest with a kick, and knocks out the other with his thrown shield.]
AMERICA: Are you crazy? You have to be careful, these hills are crawling with guerrillas.
EURO: If you had not attacked them, I am certain we could have come to an understanding. Your precipitous action has doomed any chance of dialogue with these unfortunate individuals.
AMERICA: They were trying to shoot you!
EURO: They were only doing as they were conditioned by their upbringing. It is unfair to judge them by Western standards.
AMERICA: Tell you what, you can say you're sorry later, but we've got a clear approach to the cave.
EURO: Sì, lascili vanno.
[He follows Captain America toward the cave.]
AMERICA: And speak English!
EURO: Uncultured barbarian.
[As they approach the cave, they see a bearded head peek out. It is OSAMA.]
OSAMA:
AMERICA: All right, Osama. It's time you got what's coming to you.
EURO: Let me tell you, Captain America, your cowboy attitude is not making this any easier. Diplomacy requires patience and logic, not flexing your muscles.
AMERICA: There's no time for diplomacy! He's a mass murderer and I'm here to bring him to justice.
EURO: He must be talked into surrender, so he can be tried before a court appointed by the United Nations, and then sent to be rehabilitated.
AMERICA: I'm going to knock him out, hog-tie him, and take him back to New York, where they'll stick a needle in his arm.
EURO: Truly, you do not understand international affairs.
[Osama tries to sneak off. Captain America sees him, and knocks him down.]
EURO: Filthy barbarian! There is no justification for harming a suspect! He hasn't even been convicted of anything.
[He goes to help Osama, who pulls out a knife and holds it to Captain Euro's neck.]
OSAMA: Do you want me to kill him?
AMERICA: Yeah, go ahead.
EURO: Scheiße.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 11:20 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack