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August 23, 2004
The Next Debate Rage: What's REALLY in Heinz Ketchup?
WASHINGTON, D.C.--After recent attack ads towards Senator John Kerry and his Vietnam war record drew the ire of both sides, just as 'MoveOn.org' Ads had drawn previous ire, a new group called "The Truth Seekers of Ketchup" are targeting John Kerry's billionaire wife, Teresa Heinz-Kerry, wanting to know the secret ingredient of her ketchup and why it really tastes so good.
The controversial group spending millions on this new campaign attack strategy, have not been publicly endorsed by President Bush and appear to be using soft money to strike at Teresa Heinz-Kerry. The group is out of Laredo, Texas and are apparently receiving millions of dollars from Hunt's Ketchup.
In the new ad, it's 'suggested' that Heinz ketchup has a secret ingredient Mrs. Kerry doesn't want you to know about, something so treacherous that your kids should be afraid to eat their next hamburger and fries. According to some media experts at the Zogby International, the underlying message of this Ad is almost sinister.
"The Truth Seekers of Ketchup are suggesting that Heinz ketchup is made of...people," said pollster John Zogby of Zogby International.
Some pointed out the eery similarity to this real life attack campaign and the 1970's sci fi cult classic, 'Soylent Green' starring Republican stalwart, Charlotn Heston--further leading to suggestions that Heston maybe working in cahoots with the Hunt's Ketchup people to bring down Mrs. Kerry.
"Charlton Heston and the Hunt's people can shove it," Mrs. Kerry suggested, and she immediately sat down in front of the press and smothered her lunch with Heinz ketchup. "This is delicious--My John eats my ketchup everyday!" said Teresa as she took a big bite out of the burger. The press immediately broke into laughter when they started realizing the un-intended innuendo of Teresa.
"John Kerry & I both like to eat Teresa's ketchup," said john Edwards on the campaign trail with his wife Elizabeth in Madison, Wisconsin. Elizabeth immediately glared at a suddenly embarrassed Edwards. "Well, what I meant to say is that Elizabeth and I both gladly ate Teresa's ketchup at our Anniversary dinner at Wendy's last month."
Elizabeth continued to glare.
When asked his opinion about the story becoming known as 'ketchup gate', maverick republican Senator John McCain of Arizona says he prefers mustard, but that the Bush administration must 'leave Teresa's ketchup alone'. However, McCain did ad that even though he personally like the Kerry's better then the Bush's and wouldn't trust George as far as he could throw him, he intends to continue gladly hitting the campaign trail for President Bush.
"It's my duty as a Republican to continue supporting this man I really don't like over the other guy who I like a lot more," said a very blunt McCain. He then smiled, grabbed a beer out of his cooler on his bus and immediately headed to Madison, Wisconsin to meet up with the President.
Posted by Mac Thomason at August 23, 2004 02:10 PM
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Tracked on August 26, 2004 10:47 PM
Comments
Maybe if Kerry gets elected, we'll invade Italy to get control of their tomato fields, or something.
Posted by: Michael Bowen at August 24, 2004 01:44 PM