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August 31, 2004
Rough Draft(s) of Arnold's Speech
(As a moderate, I like Arnold but I thought this would be fun).
Hello Fellow Republicans,
My name is Arnold & I am the Governator.
My name is Arnold & I am the Governator of California.
My name is Arnold & I am the Governor of California.
I am here tonight to protect from the T-1000, John Kerry. He is the most dangerous cybernetic being made entirely of liquid medal by the Cyberdyne Corporation. I am also here to protect George W. Bush from John Kerry, along with my original targets, Sarah & John Conner.
I am here to talk about the differences between John Kerry & George W. Bush. George W. Bush is here to protect all Americans from evil cybernetic forces & the Predator. The predator detects heat on the human body and is a killing ,achine--I have a name for this predator, l it's called 'Michael Moore'.
I am here to talk about why George W. Bush should be re-elected for four more years. He is willing to fight terrorism and protect us from evils around the world. He is will to do what is necessary to make sure our citizens are protected and safe and no evil acts should ever cross onto our shores again. That is why I am voting for George W. Bush.
I was elected Governor because I was created in a lab by my scientist father who also created my twin brother, Vincent. He is small and puny, like a girly man, but nonetheless, I love him despite our differences.
I was elected Governor because I have truly lived the American dream and I believe in equality for all people, regardless of race, color or creed, even little girly men. If little girly men want to marry eachother, that is fine with me. If the little girly men want to have abortions, that is fine with me. But these girly men must not be allowed to vote Democrat!
I was elected Governor because I have truly lived the American dream and believe in equality for all people, regardless of race, creed, religion, or color. As an Austrian born citizen, I truly had to work my way up to my stardom, first through bodybuilding, then acting, and now as the leader of the largest state in the country. It is truly an honor to serve Californians and represent the Republican party.
President Bush is not a girly man. He is ready to pump (clap) you up! President Bush maybe small but he is scarppy in a fight. I know. He challenged me to an arm wrestling match last Spring and he actually lasted 15 whole seconds before I crushed him like a bug. And John Kerry, George W. Bush and I will crush you like a bug and terminate you!
President Bush & I want to develop the first male pregnancy. This is our contribution to stem cell research. We have decided to inject me with a special serum that will allow men to become pregnant and develop the hormones for doing so. This was totally Mr. Bush's idea.
President Bush & I, while we differ on the abortion issue, both have a great love of science. He has been criticized for not doing enough to advance stem cell research. I am here to tell you he has done more then President Clinton ever did. President Bush is a friend of science and a friend of all Americans who believe in stem cell research.
I am here tonight to also let you know that I am looking for Colin Crisp. I am undercover as a Kindergarten teacher to stop this madman from stealing his son Dominic and killing his ex-wife. I have already interviewed the Bushes and Cheney's and even John McCain and no one has seen Crsip. If anyone, particularly from the Oregon delegation, has any info on the whereabouts of Crisp, please call me or my partner.
I want to also talk about what happened on 9-11 and the excellent work of our firefighters, our police officers, and the city workers of New York--thank you and thank you Mr. Giuliani from leading by example in a time of crisis.
Finally, I want to admit to all of you something, particularly my wife, Helen--I maybe Governator by day, but by night, I am a superspy here to prtect the world from terrorists. Yes, George W. Bush has implanted me a secret weaponin the war on terror. Along with my crack team which includes "Best Damn Sports Show" co-host, Tom Arnold, I am on a mission to prevent terrorism. I am in great shape, I run 50 miles a day and bench 2000 pounds. Please, do not worry and this will not affect my duties as Governator of California.
Finally tonight, I want to let all Americans know that I am there partner in helping fight terrorism here at home. I am regularly devising strategies with Homeland Security chief, Tom Ridge, on ways we can better protect our ports, our airports and our general security so that we can have a safe and confident, California.
Thank you!
Posted by Mac Thomason at August 31, 2004 05:44 PM
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