War Liberal: The Mouth of Sauron and the Mouth of Europe

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December 15, 2003

The Mouth of Sauron and the Mouth of Europe

ARAGORN, GANDALF, and the Captains of the West are standing outside the Black Gate. GIMLI, LEGOLAS, and PIPPIN are around as well. The gate is thrown open with a great clang, and out of it comes an embassy from the Black Tower. At its head rides a tall and evil shape, mounted upon a black horse, if horse it is.

MOS: I am the Mouth of Sauron.

GIMLI (sotto voce): How proud your parents must be.

LEGOLAS: Shh!

MOS: Is there anyone in this rout with authority to treat with me? (Looks at ARAGORN.) Not thou at least! It needs more to make a king than a piece of Elvish glass, or a rabble such as this. Why, any brigand of the hills can show as good a following! (ARAGORN looks at him steelily, and the MOS quails.) I am a herald and ambassador, and may not be assailed!

GANDALF: Where such laws hold, it is also the custom for ambassadors to use less insolence. But no one has threatened you.

MOS: So! Then you are the spokesman, old greybeard? Have we not heard of thee at whiles, and of thy wanderings? I don't know the man in the shiny suit, however.

All look to see the man in a strange costume approaching the parley.

ARAGORN: Oh, no.

From behind the Gate come eight unearthly shrieks of agony.

CAPTAIN EURO: Hail, comrades! I am Captain Euro, and I am here to negotiate a peace settlement!

MOS: Who is this buffoon?

GANDALF: He is from the future. Or a future. Don't think about it.

EURO: Gandalf, mon ami! That was quite a fine joke you played on me with your letter! You actually convinced Frodo to avoid me. Still, we can laugh about it now.

MOS: Enough! I have tokens that I was bidden to show to thee!

He displays Sam's short sword, Frodo's cloak, and Frodo's mithril chainmail. PIPPIN gasps.

MOS: So you have yet another of these imps with you! What use you find in them I cannot guess; but to send them as spies into Mordor is beyond even your accustomed folly.

EURO: Imps? I will have you know that this sort of labeling comes very close to hate speech, and should not be used, especially in such a formal setting. Hobbits are a very courageous and sturdy people, and I will not have them maligned. Even now, two of them are --

ARAGORN jumps on EURO, covering his mouth with one hand and choking him with the other.

GANDALF: Aragorn, choke him not. I have a feeling even such as he may yet have a part to play. Please, allow him to speak, as long as he (whispering) doesn't give anything away.

Reluctantly, ARAGORN allows EURO to rise.

ARAGORN: I hope we don't regret this, Gandalf.

EURO: Thank you, mon ami. This barbarian clearly does not understand that such tactics are not to be used at a solemn negotiation session. Now, we need to understand what the negotiating positions are. Mr. Mouth of Sauron, what are your demands?

MOS: Um... give me a minute... Yes. These are the terms. The rabble of Gondor and its deluded allies shall withdraw at once beyond the Anduin, first taking oaths never again to assail Sauron the Great in arms, open or secret. All lands east of the Anduin shall be Sauron's forever, solely. West of the Anduin as far as the Misty Mountains and the Gap of Rohan shall be tributary to Mordor, and men there shall bear no weapons, but shall have leave to govern their own affairs. But they shall help to rebuild Isengard which they have wantonly destroyed, and that shall be Sauron's. Oh, and I'll be in charge there.

GANDALF: This is much to demand for the delivery of one servant: that your Master should receive in exchange what he must fight many a war to gain!

EURO: War! Gandalf, be reasonable. We should try to prevent war at all costs! Sauron has made his demands, and in my opinion he has legitimate historical claims to make. All the lands the Mouth of Sauron speaks of were Sauron's once, correct?

ARAGORN: That was over three thousand years ago.

EURO: Still, he remembers! And your people came here and displaced him! No wonder he feels this way. You have to understand that Sauron has feelings too, and respect his cultural norms.

ARAGORN and MOS: Sauron has cultural norms?

EURO: Land for peace! That is what we need here. This war must end, now, before there is any more bloodshed. Sauron has made what I feel is a fair starting position for debate. Do the Captains of the West have a counter-offer?

ARAGORN: Sauron goes away and never comes back. That is our counter-offer.

EURO: Gandalf, please make him be reasonable! Now, I think you should seriously consider Sauron's offer. He wants peace, we all do. I think he will be satisfied with the first part of his demand, that Ithilien and other lands east of Anduin be confirmed as his in perpetuity, and that you end attacks upon his soldiers. The first will only recognize what is already evident, and the second will benefit both sides!

MOS: The demands are all of a piece, and we shall not yield any part of it.

EURO: He does seem very determined. Perhaps you should consider doing what he says in the interest of peace.

GANDALF: Enough! These shall we take! (He casts off his grey cloak and a white light shines forth like a sword in this black place. The MOS recoils, and Gandalf takes the tokens, coat, cloak and sword.) As for your terms, we reject them utterly!

EURO: Gentlemen, please! This will not help us find peace!

The MOS rides off with his escort. His soldiers blow their horns in signal, and Sauron springs his trap. A great host streams out of the gate.

EURO: Nobody ever wins a war! Only at the negotiating table will anything be settled! Gandalf? (GANDALF, ARAGORN, and the rest are making ready for battle.) Foolishness. They will never learn. Sacre bleu! That is a big bird!

GANDALF (looking up): The Eagles are coming! The Eagles are coming!

Posted by Mac Thomason at December 15, 2003 10:21 AM

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Comments

You know, I may not always agree with you on matters of geopolitics, but even so, this piece made me laugh my ass off. Nice work.

Posted by: Karin at December 15, 2003 03:34 PM

Well, it was funny but I think you do a better job with...other issues. Your Euro character is certainly wide of the mark, especially on today while "Euros" (French and German too!) stand with us in Afghanistan, fighting the actual war on terror as opposed to the money sucking, region inflaming, unrelated to 9-11 black hole that is Iraq.

Posted by: The Ox at December 15, 2003 06:53 PM

Oxen are not noted for quick wits. There are many reasons the Iraq campaign is a key one in the War on Terrorism. I will mention two.

First, the three most important terrorist supporting states are Iran, Syria, and the Wahhabist Entity. There is now an American Army in the central position (Napoleon's favorite strategic position) between them, able to threaten or even use force against them as necessary to further the destruction of Terrorist groups.

Second, the rise of Islamist terrorism came from the dysfunctional nature of Arab/Muslim political culture. By leading Iraq towards consensual government we are beginning the reform of that political culture which will eliminate the real "root causes" of Islamist terrorism. Specialists have always thought Iraq was the most promising Arab country for such a modernization. Now the Iraqis will get the chance.

Posted by: Michael Lonie at December 15, 2003 07:58 PM

dis crap was mad funny'

Posted by: Anonymous at January 14, 2004 10:54 AM

War Liberal

December 15, 2003

The Mouth of Sauron and the Mouth of Europe

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