August 17, 2005

Cutting Down The Nets: Yankees/Red Sox Regional

Scott 85, Morgan 51

Stuart Scott moves on to the Foul Four, easily taking out Joe Morgan. It's a little tough to say goodbye to Little Joe, who more than anyone was the inspiration for this tournament, but what can I say? He tried to take on a power hitter with speed and one-run strategies and got crushed.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 10:13 AM | Comments (7) | TrackBack

August 15, 2005

Stuart Scott vs. Joe Morgan

1. Stuart Scott
Defeated Jim Gray, 78-32
Defeated Scott Van Pelt, 123-8
Defeated John Kruk, 111-35

The Latest Word:

"Stuart Scott's hiring was the shark-jumping moment for SportsCenter, to the point where I would turn the broadcast off if he was hosting, and eventually didn't bother checking. Scott to the next round. "Can I get a Boo-ya?" No, no you can't." -- Chris

"I wish the Schwab would eat Stuart Scott." -- Smitty

"Stuart Scott is the guy that changed ESPN from a network about sports with some wit to a network about catchphrases and celebrity with a little bit of sports. And that is the road to hell. And I don't see how it's even paved with good intentions here, just with egomaniacal grandeur." -- Larry

"Booyah Boy is an unbearable, festering, black spot on the soul of sports broadcasting. Be Gone evil seed of all that is wrong with ESPN, and take your bloody stupid catch phrases with you!!" -- KeanoGiggs

"Stuart is unique. His on-screen existence is an insult to black people, white people, green people, and frogs. There might be replacements as bad, but they can't possibly be as bad in the same way." -- Sweeper

"There are very few people or characters that truly reach the nirvana level of annoyance. It is available only to those that make the effort to stand out for their catch phrases, their attention-hogging, and their cries for help. They make you wonder why someone was not fired for their very existence. My friends, I give you Stuart Scott.... the Jar Jar Binks of ESPN. (and no, I don't think you can insult someone more than that)" -- Colin Hesse

"When I first heard "as cool as the other side of the pillow" I chuckled. It was amusing. Stuart Scott was amusing. That was a long time ago.

"He's now some kind of robot programmed to repeat "hip" phrases ad nauseum. This is why he's all over ESPN; I'm convinced that they have 8-9 of him wandering around the offices, going from one show to the next and repeating the same schtick over and over again.

"In fact, one of these days, ESPN will just give up the ghost and reveal the truth - and then they'll hold a televised 5 on 5 basketball game with all the Stuart Scott cyborgs on one side, and the cast of Around the Horn on the other.

"Things will go well until the 4th quarter, when the cyborgs all malfunction at once, spit out a few indecipherable phrases (more a function of Stuart Scott than the malfunctioning) and self destruct, taking out everyone from ATH along with themselves.

"And there will be much rejoicing all over the world." -- Will

"I just want to punch him in his other eye so both are screwed up enough to where he can no longer be on tv." -- Jared

"In his own way, Stuart Scott is as much a symbol of everything wrong with ESPN as is Chris Berman. It's the triumph of the catch-phrase over information and personalities over presence as the network continues to devolve from a sports channel to a provider of infotainment pap. As if that weren't enough, Scott also presides over Dream Job, in which would-be sports anchors are tutored in the ways of the catch-phrase. That's like loosing Ken Lay on a classroom full of young, impressionable accountants." -- Phil

"Hey Stuart, just tell me which eye you are currently using, so that I can line up in front of it when you are talking to me." -- Bill H

Versus

2. Joe Morgan
Defeated Woody Paige, 81-56
Defeated Suzy Kolber, 100-9
Defeated Jason Whitlock, 93-43

"It's the Napoleon Complex; he had to be special when he was a player, and that he did well. But then he had to be something special as an analyst . . . and, well, we all know the results." -- Will

"His interminable, uninformed, stream-of-consciousness rants, delivered with the kind of self-assurance only a locked and shuttered mind can possess, are like fingernails across the chalkboard of the soul." -- Sweeper

"Joe Morgan is the capo di tutti capi of ignorant color commentators. He is one of the rare persons whose horribleness can be described with one word -- Moneyball." J. Lichty

"Joe's status as one of the best 2B of all-time gives him an air of legitimacy such that an uninformed fan listening to his idiocy may assume that he is right." -- Mike

"Yeah, I've heard about this Joe Morgan guy. I've never seen him, nor heard him talk, nor have I read any of his columns, but he has everything backwards. Wait, I did read an excerpt once. I didn't like it. Everyone can go on and tell me that I should at least know something about Joe Morgan before I vote for him, but even though I've barely heard of him, I think I do know Joe Morgan. And he don't know anything about baseball." The Bent Kangaroo

"A willfully ignorant jackass who makes usually good baseball games completely unwatchable. His rants agaist sabermetrics are especially painful since that movement finally lead to him getting his due as a truly great player." -- Adam

"Using his rationale, Margaret Mitchell is to blame for the horrible Gone With The Wind sequel which was written fifty years after she died, because, well, who else could've written it? Maybe Billy Beane wrote "=Gone With The Wind, come to think of it." -- Greg

"Have you ever wondered what would happen if an inebriated retarded chipmunk got a job as a color commentator? That would be Joe Morgan." -- Gavin

"I've been thisclose to enabling the SAP option so I can at least not be forced to comprehend what he's saying on more than one occasion." -- Charles Kuffner

"A hateful, deliberately obtuse toad of a man who has confused playing a pretty good second base back in the day with actually inventing the game of baseball. And unlike the army of failed managers and executives employed by ESPN, Morgan has always made his pronouncements from the safety of the broadcast booth. It's real easy to talk in absolutes when the closest you've been to a front offfice is to pass one on the way to the complimentary pre-game buffet in the press lounge." -- Phil

Voting is now closed. Results coming soon.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 08:34 AM | Comments (142) | TrackBack

Regional Final Preview: (1) Stu Scott vs. (2) Joe Morgan

MICHAEL WILBON: "Pardon The Interruption... I'm Michael Wilbon! Tony, it's time for some HEADS ON STICKS!"

TONY KORNHEISER: "And I'm Tony Kornheiser, and we are here at the 'Egregious Eight' to give you our feedback on the match-ups... give us the first one!"

VOICEOVER: "Stuart Scott."

WILBON: "Tony... you are Stu Scott... you wear the phat suits, but everyone makes fun of your fake street cred and that creepy lazy eye of yours. Plus, many people have said that the rise of Stu Scott can be equated to the time ESPN started a long spiral downhill. Stuey... defend your position and tell us why people should LOVE you?"

KORNHEISER: "Yo, dog... yo. You gotta love me! I gots at least 10 pro athletes on my cell phone speed dial and like I am the ONLY guy Allen Iverson talks with, yo... I really do have street cred from the mean streets of North Carolina where I was raised in the hard life with my Carolina Blue gang colors. I mean, c'mon... I went to the same school as Michael Jordan so I gotta get a little love from all my ESPN peeps, right? Peace, Wilbon!"

VOICEOVER: "Joe Morgan"

KORNHEISER: "Wilbon... you're your BOY, Joe Morgan... you're a real live know it all and think everyone else is wrong, except you, just about all the time. You've pretty much called 'Moneyball' a joke and laid the verbal smackdown on Billy Beane, whose Oakland A's are battling the Angels for 1st despite no Tim Hudson and no Mark Mulder; plus, you have started an imaginary feud with the newest Member of the Baseball Hall of Fame, Ryne Sandberg... why should you get some love?"

WILBON: "Because you know I'm right, Tony. I am always explaining myself as well as explaining the ills of Moneyball and Billy Beane. In my world, we should have nothing but speedsters because you can steal first. I know longer believe in taking walks. I know I could take nine Tony Womacks and out-manage Mr. Moneyball himself. As for Sandberg, he's just jealous because I was a far better second baseman. Did I mention how important I was on The Big Red Machine? Man I am good."

Posted by Mac Thomason at 08:26 AM | Comments (5) | TrackBack

August 08, 2005

Results: Joe Morgan vs. Woody Paige

Morgan 81, Paige 56

A surprisingly game Woody Paige couldn't quite keep up with Joe Morgan, who moves on to meet Stu Scott in a regional final battle of vapid versus malevolent. Who cares what Paige thinks?

Posted by Mac Thomason at 08:22 AM | Comments (5) | TrackBack

August 06, 2005

Results: Stuart Scott vs. Jim Gray

Scott 78, Gray 32

Gray kept it close for awhile, but Stuart Scott pulled away starting at about the quarter mark and went on to an easy victory. Scott becomes a deserving first member of the Egregious Eight.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 07:17 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

August 05, 2005

Joe Morgan vs. Woody Paige

2. Joe Morgan
Defeated Suzy Kolber, 100-9
Defeated Jason Whitlock, 93-43

The Opposition Case:

"LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING MORGAN... YOU ARE A GASBAG. WHEN I FIND YOU, I WILL BEAT YOU OVER THE HEAD WITH MY COPY OF MONEYBALL. IN FACT, I DON'T EVEN AGREE WITH MONEYBALL, I DON'T EVEN LIKE MONEYBALL, BUT I LOVE TO PISS PEOPLE OFF SO I WILL BEAT YOU DOWN WITH MY COPY OF IT. AND THEN, WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT, I HAVE PAID JAY MARIOTTI $250 TO SPIT IN YOUR FACE YOU OVERRATED OLD HACK. HAVE YOU EVEN READ MY BRILLIANT COLUMNS? I DON'T THINK SO. BECAUSE IF YOU DID, YOU MIGHT LEARNS SOMETHING, JOE. I AM BUSY TEACHING JAY MARIOTTI A LESSON DAILY, SO MAYBE I NEED TO SWITCH GEARS AND TEACH YOU A THING OR TWO."

The People Speak:

"His arrogant, self-absorbed commentating drives me up the wall, and his voice could crack asphalt, it's that grating. And no matter what's happening right in front of him, he'll keep blabbing, even if the game before him BLATANTLY CONTRADICTS EVERYTHING HE'S SAYING!" -- Jenny

"The best second baseman of all time AND the worst sports journalist of his generation." -- John

"To hear Joe "analyze" something is to have a thousand conflicting bits of evidence blissfully woven into an unholy tapestry of preposterous conclusions and repeated as gospel for the remainder of the game only to have another howler that completely repudiates it proferred the next night without nary a blush at the self contradiction." -- Spike

"He could have been good. He could have been a useful and entertaining color man. Instead, he deliberately, purposefully *chose* to be stupid. And now we're stuck with that, week in and week out, until he dies." -- Sweeper

"Joe Morgan should be sending checks to Tim McCarver, because that's the only reason he's not the worst color man in baseball. Listening to him is like watching a completely different game to the one being played." -- Chris

"If Joe Morgan the player, circa mid-1970s, were transported in time to 2005, Joe Morgan the announcer would hate him. While loathing the very type of player you were is rather unique for an announcer, it is idiotic in this case." -- P Clark

"Morgan in a landslide. This moron went on and on in a SNB Red Sox broadcast about how they did not re-sign Pedro because he's a "superstar." WTF? As if you just hand out huge long term deals to declining stars just like that? Plus, the Moneyball thing...just unbearable on every level. And one more thing, if the replay shows the guy is out, YOU CAN ADMIT YOU WERE WRONG. You dont have to guess the result on EVERY close play." -- FWA

Versus

6. Woody Paige
Defeated Tom Tolbert, 86-20
Defeated Joe Theismann, 88-67

The Opposition Case:

"Woody Paige knows absolutely nothing. Though I have not actually read any of his columns nor I have even seen his work on Television, and frankly, I am not even sure what he looks like, I can promise you he's wrong, he knows nothing and if he would like to have a lesson on what is wrong with Baseball and what is right with Baseball, he should read my ESPN columns. I imagine Woody probably spends most of his time sitting around admiring terrible second basemen like Ryne Sandberg, drinking beer and thinking that on base percentage is the only way to go. He'd be wrong. I have come to the conlusion that Billy Beane is in fact the devil and I am here to deliver all Baseball fans from the likes of Moneyball and anyone who would support it. You know, I could go on and on about this subject and why Woody Paige clearly does not know what he's talking about, so I think I will..."

The People Speak:

"Paige barely knows how to speak, in addition to not knowing what he's talking about. My favorite was when, on an episode of "Around the Horn," he predicted that some football player would have a bad game because 'it's really, really cold in the South.'" -- Stephen Silver

"How a man who is that incoherent is allowed to be on THREE different shows on ESPN is beyond me. I find it especially funny when he is actually DOLING OUT ADVICE AND CRITICISM on Dream Job, saying things like, "I wanted you to be a little more clear," and, "None of your information was original". (Note: not exact quotes, but I think I heard something like that while my hands flew to the remote control to change the channel)." -- Chesse

"There was once a time when you had to be mildly pleasant to look at and seemingly in possession of your five wits to appear on TV. Back in this golden age, Woody Paige would have been relegated to late-night public access shows in which he ranted about the Red Chinese taking over the local school board and fielding calls from like-minded nutbags and drunken college students.

"These days, he's on ESPN. A lot." -- Phil

"I travel forty-five minutes through the hellscape that is the Los Angeles 405 Freeway on my way to work every day. Recently, I've found a foolproof method to help assuage my daily dread at the prospect of of dodging careening Hummers and sitting in bumper-to-bumper gridlock: I flip on "Cold Pizza" as I get ready for work, and subject myself to a few minutes of the most banal, annoying, obtuse blathering currently found on cable television. The nonstop inanity spurs me to flee my apartment as quickly as possible, and has thus transformed my daily commute into a tranquil and serene respite from the mind-numbing stupidity of Woody Paige." -- Vic

"I would rather have a three-way with Chris Berman and Stephen A. Smith than listen to the sound of Woody Paige's voice." -- LisaJunior

"Does anyone else get the feeling that he and Skippy Bayless have hot, passionate makeout sessions between segments of 1st and 10 on Cold Pizza? They remind me of a couple that disagrees on the most obvious things just to have the makeup. Either that, or he makes the stupidest arguments about sports possible because he's a goddam idiot." -- Jim Small

Voting is now closed. Results coming soon.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 08:13 AM | Comments (143) | TrackBack

August 04, 2005

Stuart Scott vs. Jim Gray

1. Stuart Scott
Defeated Scott Van Pelt, 123-8
Defeated John Kruk, 111-35

The Opposition Case:

"I have unsubstantiated proof here that not only is Stuart Scott a no talent jerk that has ruined ESPN SportsCenter, but he also has a gambling problem and takes steroids. Stu, if I could have a minute with you, I would like to show America why we should hate you. Anyway, this just in... Stuart Scott is a poser... I repeat he's a poser. He's not really black and didn't grow up in the hood. He's actually a white guy posing as a black man in order to make a name for himself. Also... this just in... every athlete refers to Stuart as the 'little white weenie' behind his back. Finally, I have a report here that says that "Dream Job" sucks and please ESPN, to save the show you must "fire" Stuart Scott." -- Jim Gray

The People Speak:

"He's EVERYWHERE, sort of like those microscopic hairy crawling things that inhabit your furniture. If he were safely confined to the late SportsCenter, where I could just go to bed to avoid watching him, that would be fine, but instead he's on ALL DAY. Every dumb show ESPN comes up with to fill airtime somehow has Stuart Scott and his obnoxious ghetto-wannabe attitude oozing into my living room." -- Jenny

"Stu Scott no doubt here. "Holla at a playa when you see him in the streets." lol!!! I've never seen anyone try so hard for street cred." -- Tre-4

"Most of all, there's thnis: he nbever tells us about the game. He's too busy listening to himself give a shout out to Ray-Ray, and Keshia, and Ashey Larry, and ..." -- Colin

"I ain't gonna say nothin', but he ain't right." -- Ed K.

"Stuart is as urban hip as Carlton from The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. SportsCenter won't get better until Stuart's corpse is as cool as the other side of the pillow, Dog." -- Chris

"Here is the real question I have about Stuart Scott. Does he think what he is saying is remotely cool or hip, or does he realize what a humongous idiot he sounds like and is doing such things in a post-modern attempt to own the expectations the public had previously made about black anchors inserting slang into their broadcasts?" -- (A different) Chris

"I think the thing that's put him over the top is the glasses... now he's become like Urkel trying to be hip." -- Chris Lawrence

Versus

4. Jim Gray
Defeated Trev Alberts, 100-26
Defeated Jeff Brantley, 90-42

The Opposition Case:

"Boo-Yah! Watch me be like Mike and take it down the lane for a little razzle dazzle on Jim Gray. Jim is a little white man with no game... He didn't grow up on the mean streets of Charlotte as a brother like me. My plan is to distract Gray with a giant cut-out of my dog Kobe in his briefs... Gray will be so drawn to the Kobe cut-out, that I can sneak around him like I was back in Chapel Hill and 20,000 heel homies were schillin' for me as I smoothly destroy little Jim-bo Gray." -- Stuart Scott

The People Speak:

"He misrepresents comments by some individuals while interviewing other individuals in a petty, slimeball attempt at getting an interesting reaction." -- Joey T

"A schmuck, plain and simple." -- Bill McCabe

"Gray somehow looks like the dirty one when he stands next to Marv Albert." -- Matt

"As far as I can tell Gray is only around becuase he can get interviews with Kobe Bryant due to his endless sucking up." -- Adam

"Gray just weirds me out, and someone needs to remind him (preferably with a blunt object) that the reporter is only the vehicle for delivering the news, not the news himself." -- John in Austin

"He has to be the WORST sideline reporter in the history of sports, a profession which is moronic enough to begin with is just brought lower by a man trying desperately to be taken seriously." -- Gavin

"His first thought each morning must be, 'Whose ass am I going to kiss today?'" -- Shannin

Voting is now closed. Results coming soon.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 02:22 PM | Comments (110) | TrackBack

July 28, 2005

Second Round Results: Curt Schilling Subregional

Morgan 93, Whitlock 43

The bigger they are, the harder they fall, and Jason Whitlock went down hard to Joe Morgan. Whitlock could not be reached for comment. Well, we reached him, but we couldn't understand anything through the Hardee's Thickburger.

Paige 88, Theismann 67

Woody Paige pulled the upset, slowly pulling away from Joe Theismann. (Personally, I think you people are nuts.) Theismann had a comment, but frankly it was too boring to transcribe.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 01:04 PM | Comments (9) | TrackBack

July 27, 2005

Second Round Results: Derek Jeter Subregional

Scott 111, Kruk 35

Stu Scott reinforced his status as the overall favorite by blowing out what was considered a strong #8 seed. John Kruk will have a comment as soon as we can make him understand what's happening, so six to eight weeks, tops.

Gray 90, Brantley 42

Sometimes after pulling off the 12-5 upset you're just overmatched in the second round. That's what happened to Jeff Brantley, as the King of the Mullet People fell decisively to the Lord of the Sideline Reporters, Jim Gray. We're pretty sure that we can explain the events to Brantley in no more than four weeks.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 01:30 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

July 25, 2005

Joe Theismann vs. Woody Paige

3. Joe Theismann (Defeated Mike Golic, 84-25)

The Case Against:

"When he's announcing, he makes me want to turn NFL games off." -- Jeff

"The next thing he says that is even semi-intelligent will be the first." -- Joe

"Will yell at officials about ANYTHING, yet doesn't seem to know the rules of football." -- Teacherrefpoet

"Theismann makes me homicidal. The only good thing about living in Dallas is that all the How-Bout-Them-Cowboys fans still pronounce his name "Theesman." This is the only thing I like about Cowboys fans. Half of what Joey says on Sunday Night Football could be discerned easily by a baby chimpanzee; the other half is stated for the sole purpose of starting an argument with Paul Maguire." -- PhillyBill

"The people who say they like Sunday Night Football should be liquidated." -- Grandcosmo

Versus

6. Woody Paige (Defeated Tom Tolbert, 86-20)

The Case Against:

"I've watched Around the Horn. Please, someone, kill him." -- Randy Jones

"i'd rather cut off my balls with the shards from a broken pepsi bottle and wear the bloody rambutans as sunglasses than ever witness the horror that is woody paige again in my life." -- Cult of Basebaal. (A little extreme, there. -- MT)

"Paige, because I can't believe ESPN executives saw this bug-eyed, sub-articulate yahoo scream his way through another ill-conceived argument and thought, 'Boy, America needs to be watching more of this guy!'" -- Phil

"Around the Horn and that Pizza show and SaS getting his own show? Is ESPN666 "All Talk" next?" -- KC from SD

Voting is now closed. Results coming soon.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 11:15 PM | Comments (155) | TrackBack

Joe Morgan vs. Jason Whitlock

2. Joe Morgan (Defeated Suzy Kolber, 100-9)

The Case Against:

"He has no competition for the award as the ex-player turned announcer with the biggest drop-off from the quality of his play to the "quality" of his announcing." -- Sam M.

"I can't stand his announcing. Really more than any one else's announcing his is worse by several orders of magnitude. There is no actual way I can think of to describe how bad Morgan is as an announcer." -- hap

"If he wins, you can find him immediately behind Barry Bonds, kissing his ass." -- Bill McCabe

"The total mass of Morgan and Reggie Jackson's heads generated enough gravitational pull to keep 4 more of Bobby's Abreau's swings in the park Monday night." -- Downtown ATL

Versus

7. Jason Whitlock (Defeated John Clayton, 82-9)

"Whenever they do a close-up on Whitlock, my wife cracks up because his huge body takes up the whole frame - it looks even funnier immediately after a close-up on Smith, a normal sized guy. Plus, yesterday he said that Kenny Rogers was a 3-time Cy Young winner. Oops." -- Kyle S.

"Reminds me of the fat guy in Monty Python's Meaning of Life. "C'mon, it's just a wafer. Just a teeny wafer." How about that for pay-per-view?" -- KC from SD

"I don't know if I'd ever even seen him before he cohosted PTI this week, and already I hate him." -- Joseph Bradley

"I can't help but think that Jason Whitlock actively hates white people, and indeed is about to write a Page 2 column about how racist this tournament is for not seeding lower, or higher, or whatever fits his argument that day. So, Whitlock." -- SP

"How a 500-pounder can accuse Lance Armstrong of not being an athlete is beyond me. However, Whitlock might have a point since the 2000+ miles that Lance rides in the Tour de France only burn as many calories as Whitlock consumes in two meals." -- Kepa

Voting is now closed. Results coming soon.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 11:14 PM | Comments (136) | TrackBack

Second Round Preview: Curt Schilling Subregional

Greg Gumbel: "Hi, Greg Gumbel back in New York...wait, hold on...it's my cell phone...hello...Bryant, is that you? STOP CALLING ME YOU ANCIENT HACK. Yes, I will remember to bring the turkey for Thanksgi...no, Bryant, I won't talk to CBS about giving you your own sh...look, it doesn't matter how many times you ask, you are still...I don't care that mom said I had to be nicer to you. Tough...oh really...you are going to kick MY ass? I would like to see you try you pissy bitch. I cannot believe you are my older brother...look, I received a call from Katie Couric...you have to STOP CALLING HER ALREADY. Don't you get it? Just because Jane Pauley slept with you so you could keep your job, doesn't mean Katie's interested...though I did get a call from Ryan Seacrest about you...are you interested? Ok, sure...here's his number...look, I gotta wrap it up, the camera guys are getting mad.

Anyway, Greg Gumbel back here in New York with my colleagues Clark Kellogg & Seth Davis to preview the Curt Schilling Sub Regional and here are our next set of second round match ups.

Our first match features heavily favored #2 seed Joe Morgan against the surprisingly strong 7th seed, Jason Whitlock. Now guys, I don't know if Morgan will be ready for the onslaught that Whitlock unleashed on John Clayton in the 1st round. Total blowout.

Seth Davis: Look, I said all along that Whitlock was one of my sleepers...the Lance Armstrong comment was strong enough to draw the ire of most of the western world. Clark...do you dare disagree?

Clark Kellogg: No, I am going with Seth on this...

Seth Davis: Chicken****.

Clark Kellogg: Bite me, pretty boy. Anyway, never underestimate an angry fat man....just look at the surprising tournament performances of John Kruk & Jeff Brantley. Whitlock is dangerous but I think Morgan can pull it out. He does love to draw up diagrams and that should still help piss off the Baseball crowd enough.

Seth Davis: I am taking the upset and going with Whitlock..this fat turd doesn't think Lance Armstrong is a real athlete...a man who beat Cancer and just won his 7th straight Tour De France? Take the upset and Morgan shows us another vulnerable 2 seed.

Greg Gumbel: The other match-up in the Curt Schilling sub regional features the 3 seed, Joe Thristol Theismann (Greg laughs at that one) vs. the 6 seed, Woody Paige. Thoughts?

Clark Kellogg: I am going with Paige in this one. The wood-man has been on fire and people really hate "Around The Horn". I think some people have even forgotten that Theismann is even on ESPN anymore.

Seth Davis: What, are you nuts, Kellogg? The man tried to rhyme his name with "Heisman". Nuff said. Still, I also take the upset...take Paige & the points. The Wood-man is real sleeper and people need to watch out for this loudmouth. Total hateable character in my opinion.

-- Alex R.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 11:10 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Jim Gray vs. Jeff Brantley

4. Jim Gray (Defeated Trev Alberts, 100-26)

The Case Against:

"I'd have started a massive write-in "Rose for HOF" campaign if he'd slugged Gray in the mouth during that interview." -- UCCF

"He gets this kind of weird look on his face whenever they cut to him reporting from Los Angeles. The "I'm special because I get the inside scoop on the Lakers" look. Kissing Kobe's butt paid off for Jimmy." -- J. Rauch

"I can never concentrate on anything he has to say, because he has the largest forehead on Earth." -- PDiddie

"Gray is the smarmiest, slipperiest weasel I can think of on television. Just thinking of him makes me shiver." -- Brandon

"Possibly the most irritating interviewer of his generation. And the constant smiling indicates a possible painkiller addiction." -- Cy_young

Versus

12. Jeff Brantley (Defeated Mike Lupica, 81-72)

The Case Against:

"Brantley should learn to keep his mouth shut because 95% of what he says is either wrong or just uninteresting." -- Alio Intuito

"I would probably vote for him over everyone else on ESPN because he's such a moron." -- Josh

"Not only is Brantley an inarticulate meathead, but he talks about his playing career as though he was Dennis Eckersley or something. Brantley = Rob Dibble without the charisma. (Hahaha.)" -- Philly Bill

"The only thing worse than a closer who thinks they are the most important cog on a team, is a retired crappy closer who preaches that gospel like a Jehovah's Witness, and has a balding mullet..." -- JB

Voting now closed. Results coming soon.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 03:16 AM | Comments (134) | TrackBack

Stuart Scott vs. John Kruk

1. Stuart Scott (Defeated Scott Van Pelt, 123-8)

The Case Against:

"Stuart Scott has done more to ruin my enjoyment of ESPN than almost anyone I can think of (though, with 56 names still to go, that will probably be proven wrong)." -- UCCF

"Stu Scott is a mindless, characterless buffoon who endlessly repeats tired "urban" catchphrases for his corporate masters at Disney/ESPN. What's next, Stu? "Throw ya hands in tha air and wave 'em like ya just don't care"? What year is this? Stu Scott: Setting black culture back another couple years each night at 11." -- Philly Bill

"Inane commentator with the same likeability as persistent nasal discharge. Hosts the worst shows I've ever seen, with names like "Top 25 Screwups by Concession Stand Personnel" that repeat ALL DAY! Seen WAY too much on TV in airport bars." -- Jenny

"When I die and go to hell, I imagine that the only ESPN feed available will feature all Stuart Scott all the time. What, you mean ESPN practically does that now? Perhaps I'm already in hell." -- Phil

Versus

8. John Kruk (Defeated Mitch Albom, 87-55)

The Case Against:

"For the life of me I don't understand how Kruk remains on TV. This person is beyond stupid, if he wasn't a semi-famous former jock he wouldn't be allowed near a third rate high school radio station." -- Alio Intuito

"There has never been a commentator who says more things that are 100% wrong with such absolute conviction that he's 100% right. He can barely put three words together. If it weren't for Dick Vitale, John Kruk would be the worst announcer of any kind in sports." -- Sam M.

"John Kruk flat out stinks. It's like Caveman Baseball 101. I disagree with nearly every point he makes. He adds nothing." -- Cary

Voting is now closed. Results coming soon.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 03:07 AM | Comments (149) | TrackBack

Second Round Preview: Derek Jeter Subregional

Greg Gumbel: Hi folks...we are live from Yankee Stadium for the second round of the Derek Jeter subregional. Along with Seth Davis & Clark Kellogg, I'm Greg Gumbel, and we're here to preview you the first two second round matchups.

First up, the favorite, the #1 seed Stuart Scott and his lazy eye battle the #8 seed, heavyweight John Kruk.

Clark Kellogg: Greg, you have to like Kruk's chances for the upset...I know he's fat but he's so unattractive, that may sway people who you'd think might automatically vote for Scott.

Seth Davis: Clark, you are wrong, again. (Rolls his eyes).

I am here to tell America that not only do I look great on TV, but I am never wrong. Scott wins this in a cakewalk. Yeah, Kruk may eat some of that cake, but Scott will make the Sweet 16 with relative ease.

Clark Kellogg: Well, I am picking Scott the favorite here also, I just think it will be a lot closer than you think.

Seth Davis: You're an idiot, Kellogg.

Greg Gumbel: Next up, fellas, one of the big surprises in 'The Road from Bristol' the 12th seed, Jeff Brantley battling the 4th seed, Jim Gray. In the first round, Gray stomped a mud hole in Trev Alberts and it was never even close. Brantley on the other hand had a tough time with the favorite, Mike Lupica, but still managed the upset. Well, Clark and Seth, does this Cinderella story keep rolling or will the Brantley-mullet train be slammed down by a rolling Jim Gray?

Clark Kellogg: Gray, in a walk. Forget about the Cinderella mullet...Jim Gray is too universally hated to lose.

Seth Davis: Yes, Gray wins this for sure, Greg... but I did receive word that Pete Rose arrived at JFK recently and will be in attendence to root on Brantley. He may even have some money riding on this. At the very least, Rose is trying to psyche Gray out.

-- Alex R.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 03:02 AM | Comments (7) | TrackBack

July 18, 2005

Postgame press conference highlights II

Jason Whitlock (7) "I think it is clear cut racism when a smart, educated black man like myself, a good looking athletic guy like me is more unpopular than a pencil-necked white geek like Clayton. My writing skills are second to none and when you have a bunch of racists voting, of course they are gonna advance, a smart sexy brother like myself. And by the way, Lance Armstrong still is no athlete!"

John Clayton (10)"Sean Salisbury and I made a bet: he was sure I was more unpopular and would advance...Sean, once again you were wrong!"

Joe Theismann (3) "I am changing my name to Joe Thristol. You know, to rhyme with Bristol. And next time, would you people care to a show a legend in his own mind like me some respect already and vote for someone else?"

Mike Golic (14) "Now that this is finally over, can I finally go & get something to
eat already?"

Woody Paige (6) "I TOLD YOU PEOPLE...I TOLD YOU I WAS SMARTER THAN TOM TOLBERT AND YET YOU STILL VOTED FOR ME. I KNOW THAT MARIOTTI IS BEHIND THIS. JUST LIKE I TOLD YOU THE PHOENIX SUNS WERE GOING TO COME BACK DOWN 3-0 AND BEAT THE SPURS IN THE WESTERN CONFERENCE FINALS."

Tom Tolbert (11) "Get a clue...I don't even work at ESPN anymore. I am going to take my 5.7 points per game to the beach and surf. Later dudes."

Joe Morgan (2) "I outlined what should have happened in my match with Suzy Kolber before it even started, and yet incorrectly, Suzy Kolber was allowed to stay at ESPN. I think this is the problem we have here. People are reading way too many books on how to incorrectly play this game and I was diagramming this for everyone and yet it seems to have fallen on deaf ears."

Suzy Kolber (15) "Who let Namath into this press conference? Someone call security. Back to you Paul & Joe."

-- Alex R.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 11:52 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

July 17, 2005

Curt Schilling Subregional results

Final Score: Morgan 100, Kolber 9

Never close, as Joe Morgan jumped out to a 20-0 lead. I called Joe to give him the good news:

ME: Hi, Mr. Morgan, I'm just calling to let you know that you beat Suzy Kolber in the first round.

JOE: WHAT?!? Why is Suzy Kolber saying that I beat her? I barely know Suzy Kolber!

ME: No, no, it's a contest, you see.

JOE: She said I beat her as part of a contest?

ME: No, we're not saying you beat her up. You got more---

JOE: She's saying that I can't beat her up? I'm a Hall of Fame athlete, I think I can take a woman!

ME: Suzy isn't saying that you can't take her, it's only that---

JOE: If Suzy Kolber thinks I can beat her, she shouldn't have written that I couldn't.

ME: I don't think you understand---

JOE: I am not going to be insulted! Good day, sir!

ME: I just---

JOE: I said, good day!

Final Score: Whitlock 82, Clayton 9

Jason Whitlock's impressive showing was as big of a blowout as we've seen in the middle seeds. John Clayton says inside sources have revealed that big changes will be made in his program this offseason. Whitlock faces off against Morgan in what surely will be the tournament's biggest size mismatch.

Final Score: Theismann 84, Golic 25

Mike Golic just couldn't keep pace with Joe Theismann, who could not be reached as he was too busy figuring out a way to make his name rhyme with "Bristol".

Final Score: Paige 86, Tolbert 20

Woody Paige and Skip Bayless are now planning a twenty-minute debate on whether the Around The Horn/Cold Pizza bloc of candidates was underseeded. A lot of hate out there for those guys. The upcoming Paige/Theismann festival of hate should be very interesting.

Confession to make... Some wondered about Tolbert's seeding. He was actually not originally in the tournament. Andy Katz was in this space, but I couldn't think of any interesting insults for him and I wanted to mention the Zippy the Pinhead thing. I don't think Katz would have done any better against Paige, though.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 02:02 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

July 15, 2005

Postgame Press Conference highlights

Mike Lupica (5) "In sports, we lose sight of the fact sometimes that we are just people. For Jeff Brantley, we forget that he's a person too. What Mr. Brantley has forgotten is that I am a better person and that's why he's advancing from Bristol faster then me."

Jeff Brantley (12) "It was all about the mullet and my years of being such a dominant, Mariano Rivera-like closer."

Mitch Albom (9) "I want to start off by apologizing to sports fans everywhere for holding my press conference early to declare that I was one step closer to moving from Bristol. That was wrong of me. In life, the lessons we learn sometimes are the most painful ones and the humiliation I have received through being even less unpopular than John Kruk will stay with me forever. It's like Morrie always said to me, 'you can't catch flys without honey' and 'Always give 110%' and also, 'leave everything on the field, or in my case, in my work.' Thank you Morrie for your life lessons and that great TV movie with Hank Azaria and Jack Lemmon."

John Kruk (8) "Clearly I still go it...like that time at the All Star Game I always remind people about when Randy Johnson struck me out on three pitches."

Stuart Scott (1) "BOO-YAH! You know, I spoke with my boys MJ & Shaq-daddy before my matchup with Van Pelt and they were like 'yo dog, just keep it real and you can lay the smackdown on Van Pelt's creepy looking ass'; Yo, dogs, thanks for the talk and for keepin' it real...c'mon down to the crib later and let's have a 40 together. Peace!"

Scott Van Pelt (16) (As Stephen A. Smith) "I was tewwwible! The New York Knicks are tewwwible. Scott Layden is tewwwible. HoWEVER...."

Jim Gray (4)

"It was an unbelieveable night here in New York. Kobe Bryant once again was brilliant with 55 points...oh wait, I can't kiss up to Kobe...anyway, I am moving on so back to you Al & Hubie."

Trev Alberts (13) "It's Frank Solich's fault. If Tom Osbourne was still coaching Nebraska, I would have moved on."

-- Alex R.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 01:14 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

July 14, 2005

Derek Jeter Subregional Results

Final Score: Scott 123, Van Pelt 8

Boo-yah! Stu Scott never trailed and the last tie was at 2-2. Yes, just like the real committee, we protect our #1 seeds. The score wasn't remotely close. Maybe Stu should have gone to his bench.

Final Score: Kruk 87, Albom 55

Next up for the heavily favored Stu, John Kruk, who after falling behind early had a surprisingly easy time of it with Mitch Albom. Mitch, unfortunately, has already filed a column about his own victory.

Final Score: Brantley 81, Lupica 72

There really is always a 12-5 upset. Mike Lupica mounted a valiant comeback, but ran out of time and could not overtake Jeff Brantley. Lupica blamed this on Brantley's home-field advantage among baseball fans and vowed to become even shorter and even more annoying.

Final Score: Grey 100, Alberts 26

Brantley will go on to face a well-rested Jim Grey. Grey was never seriously threatened by Trev Alberts, who went down like a post-Osbourne Nebraska team playing at Oklahoma.

In the morning, I hope to do a "highlight show" post, picking out the best comments. Winners will receive nothing at all. Well, a credit.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 09:05 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

Game Eight: Woody Paige vs. Tom Tolbert (Curt Schilling Subregional)

6. Woody Paige

The Crimes:

Versus

11. Tom Tolbert

The Crimes:

Voting now closed. Results coming soon.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 12:03 PM | Comments (107) | TrackBack

Game Seven: Joe Theismann vs. Mike Golic (Curt Schilling Subregional)

3. Joe Theismann

The Crimes:

Versus

14. Mike Golic

The Crimes:

Voting now closed. Results coming soon.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 12:02 PM | Comments (109) | TrackBack

Game Six : Jason Whitlock vs. John Clayton (Curt Schilling Subregional)

7. Jason Whitlock

The Crimes:

versus

10. John Clayton

The Crimes:

Voting now closed. Results coming soon.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 12:00 PM | Comments (93) | TrackBack

Game Five: Joe Morgan vs. Suzy Kolber (Curt Schilling Subregional)

2. Joe Morgan

The Crimes:

versus

15. Suzy Kolber

kolber_suzy_m.jpg

The Crimes:

Voting now closed. Results coming soon.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 11:58 AM | Comments (110) | TrackBack

July 12, 2005

Game Four: Mike Lupica vs. Jeff Brantley (Derek Jeter subregional)

Voting closed. Results to come.

5. Mike Lupica

The Crimes:

versus

12. Jeff Brantley

The Crimes:

Posted by Mac Thomason at 09:41 PM | Comments (155) | TrackBack

Game Three: Jim Gray vs. Trev Alberts (Derek Jeter subregional)

Voting closed. Results to come.

4. Jim Gray

The Crimes

versus

13. Trev Alberts

The Crimes:

Posted by Mac Thomason at 09:40 PM | Comments (126) | TrackBack

Game Two: John Kruk vs. Mitch Albom (Derek Jeter subregional)

Voting closed. Results to come.

8. John Kruk

The Crimes:

Versus

9. Mitch Albom

The Crimes:

Posted by Mac Thomason at 09:39 PM | Comments (142) | TrackBack

Game One: Stuart Scott vs. Scott Van Pelt (Derek Jeter subregional)

Voting closed. Results to come.

1. Stuart Scott

The Crimes:

versus

16. Scott Van Pelt

The Crimes:

Posted by Mac Thomason at 09:39 PM | Comments (136) | TrackBack

Yankees-Red Sox Rivalry Regional

Did you know that there are 28 other major league baseball teams? Some nights, it's hard to tell.

yanksox.JPG

Yankees/Red Sox Regional

#1 Seed: Stuart Scott.

Subregionals:
Derek Jeter Subregional (New York, New York)
Curt Schilling Subregional (Boston, Mass.)

Posted by Mac Thomason at 05:58 PM | Comments (7) | TrackBack