August 04, 2005
Second Round Results: Mike Krzyzewski Subregional
Bayless 110, Fowler 2
Skip Bayless won the most lopsided victory of the tournament so far. Only two people voted for Fowler. One said he hates Bayless too, the other just felt sorry for him. There were six times as many null votes as Fowler votes. Bayless actually equalled Fowler's Libertarian-like vote total in the other matchup, where he wasn't a contestant. He may be a #2 seed, but he's #666 in everyone's heart.
Bowa 62, Kiper 31
It may not matter much who faces Bayless in the Sour Sixteen, but Larry Bowa doubled up Mel Kiper for a surprisingly easy victory. Look at it this way -- just being one of 32 makes Mel a first-round pick!
Posted by Mac Thomason at 12:43 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack
August 03, 2005
Second Round Results: Christian Laettner Subregional
Vitale 79, Phelps 18
Dick Vitale rebounded from his first round scare to smash Digger Phelps and strike a blow for the follically challenged against the overly haired. Nobody cares what Phelps thinks.
Mariotti 81, Cook 11
Jay Mariotti crushed Beano Cook and moves on to face Vitale. Someone might want to wake up Beano and give him the news. Or not.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 10:01 AM | Comments (19) | TrackBack
August 02, 2005
Larry Bowa vs. Mel Kiper
3. Larry Bowa (Defeated Mark Jackson, 67-34)
The Case Against:
"[Expletive deleted] Larry Bowa [Expletive deleted]! [Obscene gerund]!" -- Phil
"I could never understand how Bowa kept a major league manager job so long, but how he got on ESPN is really a mystery." -- Randy
"He'd have to act like the jerk he was on the field and destroy a toilet with a bat live on the air for me to reconsider." -- Charles Kuffner
Versus
6. Mel Kiper (Defeated Ron Jaworski, 65-34)
The Case Against:
"Kiper appears to be incredibly knowledgeable about a lot of college players, but since there's approximately 30 people on earth who could call him on it (and they all work for NFL scouting departments), there's no real way to have any confidence in what he's saying, except going back and checking it years later. Which no one does." -- Bill Walsh
"Mel, if you make 82 first-round mock drafts, you'll get at least 1/3 of the guys right." -- Wyrn
"I don't need you to start forecasting the 2006 draft the day after the 2005 draft." -- Chris
"I look forward to when the NFL Draft ends every year because it means he goes away." -- Ed
"Ever hear him try to talk about something other than the NFL draft while co-hosting an ESPN radio show? He'd be better off talking about his hair ..." -- Pankleb
Voting is now closed. Results coming soon.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 08:45 AM | Comments (97) | TrackBack
Skip Bayless vs. Chris Fowler
2. Skip Bayless (Defeated Kirk Herbstreit, 110-8)
The Case Against:
"He just seems to be the sourest human being I have ever read. In fact, my hate for his continued existence as a human being may turn me into someone that is just as bad as he is." -- Chris
"He is the poster-boy for everything wrong with info-tainment." -- "Pantsless" Joe
"He is the worst of the worst (yes, including Stephen A. Smith and Mr. Boo-yaah). He has nothing postive to say about anyone. If someone accomplishes something big, you can bank on it that Skippy will tear it down." -- djcolts
"I forgot how much I hated him until I saw his picture there and it made me want to break my monitor." -- Sharon
"He's like the mean drunken family member who tells all of the family secrets just to make himself feel better. Except the drunk is more logical." -- Buzz
"A spineless, brainless pig." -- Peter
"I'm waiting for the NIH study that conclusively proves my informal hypothesis that listening to him kills brain cells." -- Jeremy B.
Versus
10. Chris Fowler (Defeated Greg Anthony 54-47)
The Case Against:
"I can't remember what he did, but his face has triggered some powerful hatred inside me, so I figure he did something bad." -- Jenny
"Actually makes on air claims that there is no anti-SEC bias on ESPN. Then intro's an SEC hit piece to prove it." -- Downtown ATL
Voting is now closed. Results coming soon.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 08:37 AM | Comments (124) | TrackBack
Second Round Preview: Mike Krzyzewski Subregional
JAMES BROWN: Welcome to the Fox Sports studios, where I'm joined by Terry, Howie, and Jimmy, and we're taking a look at the Mike Krzyzewski bracket in the Duke Regional. First up, Skip Bayless versus Chris Fowler. Terry, your thoughts on this matchup?
TERRY BRADSHAW: Whoo, this is gonna be a blowout. Chris Fowler ain't got no chance against Bayless. Everybody hates Bayless.
HOWIE LONG: As they should, because he hates everybody. Fowler is going down hard.
BROWN: The other matchup should be closer, Larry Bowa versus Mel Kiper. Your thoughts, Jimmy?
JIMMY JOHNSON: Well, I dealt with Kiper when I was with the Cowboys and Dolphins and ESPN was covering the draft. He's like a big old puppy following you around. "Who are you going to take, huh, Jimmy? What are you looking for, huh?" Sooner or later you tell him anything just to get him to go away. I like Larry Bowa, he has a football attitude.
BRADSHAW: Whoa, there, pardner. You didn't do your homework there, did ya? In the first round, everybody hated on Bowa, while a lot of folks just voted for Kiper 'cause they liked Jaws. Bowa's got this one in the bag.
BROWN: Care to break the tie, Howie?
HOWIE LONG: Well, JB, I hate to agree with Terry. [UNDER HIS BREATH: You have no idea how much.] But Bowa is awful, and he should advance easily.
BROWN: Okay, then, two out of three say Bowa. Let's send it to Durham for the call. Joe?
Posted by Mac Thomason at 08:36 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
Second Round Results: Jerry Jones Subregional
Berman 45, Salisbury 40
The clock ran out for Sean Salisbury, who mounted a furious late run at #1 seed Chris Berman only to fall short at the end. Salisbury will take out his frustrations on John Clayton.
LeBatard 51, Phillips 20
Meanwhile, Dan LeBatard easily handled Steve Phillips, who was busy trying to line up another GM job. Billy Beane would love to give him a reference.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 08:18 AM | Comments (8) | TrackBack
August 01, 2005
Dick Vitale vs. Digger Phelps
1. Dick Vitale (Defeated Linda Cohn, 66-51)
The Case Against:
"Dick Vitale is probably my least favorite person ever." -- Greg
"Vitale's the one guy on ESPN who can regularly provoke me into actual screaming rage, especially with his moronic, willfully un-educated ranting during the draft. Here's hoping he goes all the way." -- Devin McCullen
"He makes anything he is on completely unwatchable without use of the mute button." -- Larry
"I wish he would just shut up about how great Duke is when he is broadcasting other games." -- James G.
"Is there any doubt he suffers from a severe case of xenophobia after watching his NBA draft 'commentary?'"? -- J. Rauch
"You could kill Dick Vitale and his entire family with a chainsaw, and as long as you could get them to play one of his March Madness promos for the jury, you couldn't possibly be convicted." -- delg
"does vitale have a family, wife, kids? i'm assuming they are all in mental institutions." -- X
Versus
9. Digger Phelps (Defeated Tony Kornheiser, 65-38)
The Case Against:
"In the hallowed tradition of Packer, he knows what everyone on the court is thinking at any given moment and will not hesitate to communicate that to you." -- Cy Young
"He's just not good at anything." -- Paul
"Wishing Mr. Phelps would self-destruct in 5 seconds..." -- Ed
Voting is now closed. Results coming soon.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 12:15 PM | Comments (98) | TrackBack
Beano Cook versus Jay Mariotti
13. Beano Cook (Defeated Brent Musberger, 53-41)
The Case Against:
"The sight of Beano Cook's neck has turned me off from ever eating a Thanksgiving turkey ever again. His radio appearances with Crank Oldberg, er, Hank Goldberg, should be used by the powers-that-be at Gitmo to torture Al-Qaeda prisoners." -- Greg
"They wheel him out for the occasional commentary like they just shocked him back to the living." -- John in Austin
"Still things the single wing is innovative." -- Ron
"Beano needs to advance - though I'm not sure if he'd know it if he didn't." -- Dewey
Versus
5. Jay Mariotti (Defeated Buster Olney, 84-20)
The Case Against:
"The eyebrows. The puffiness. The yelling. It's just too much." -- Eric
"I'd like to punch him in the mouth until my arm got tired and then switch hands." -- Spike
"I thought when four-letter was going the more provocative route in punditry, they didn't mean provocative as in 'I want to punch that punk in the mouth when I see him.'" -- Quinten Ross
"If the sports columnist-as-talking-head trend must continue, let's at least make sure the columnist in question can string two sentences together without sounding like a tool, hmmmm?" -- Phil
"For a while, I didn't think anyone could actually be that much of an insufferable bastard. Then I woke up. My hatred for him burns with the fire of a thousand stars. A man who has earned the right to be punched in the balls every day for the rest of his life." -- Edevay [A lot of people want to punch Jay Mariotti. -- MT]
"Didnt he play eddie munster in a former life?" -- Rip
"You have to be a gigantic jackass to turn Woody Paige into a sympathetic character." -- Arford
Voting is now closed. Results coming soon.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 12:10 PM | Comments (93) | TrackBack
Second Round Preview: Christian Laettner Subregional
Dickie Victory by the Anonymous GuyThis bracket is more poorly designed than the seats in Fenway Park. Why are Digger Phelps and Dick Vitale meeting in the second round? Anyway, as terrible as Phelps is, Vitale drives me nuts. Why was this guy allowed to cover the NBA Draft? He hates the NBA! ESPN has hundreds of millions of dollars invested in the NBA, they have a dozen or more NBA commentators, and they bring in Dickie V to trash the product? I can't believe David Stern lets them do that. If they plan to use Vitale in next year's draft, expect to see him meet with a little "accident" before then.
Not to get on a rant here, but Vitale is so horrible that I can't believe anyone would vote for Linda Cohn. Now, as far as I'm concerned they should never let women on SportsCenter, and if they are they should only be picked for reasons of attractiveness, but come on, this is Vitale! It's like if you had a choice between watching both Godfather movies or A Few Good Men. No matter how good the latter movie is, this is The Godfather! You'd choose that every day and twice on Sundays! I will not argue about this.
AG's Pick: Vitale by 40
I just can't get worked up about the other matchup. I don't even know who Beano Cook is. Who watches college football? Jay Mariotti is just another reporter turned talking head, and not the worst of them, but compared to some old sloth nobody's heard of, he's an easy pick.
AG's Pick: Mariotti by 30
Posted by Mac Thomason at 12:09 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack
Second Round Results: Jimmy Johnson Subregional
Ryan 54, Legler 29
Bob Ryan ended Tim Legler's Cinderella dreams with a smashing victory, taking an early lead and building it from there. Legs is down with that.
Reali 50, Tirico 34
Stat Boy jumped out to a 7-0 lead and held on from there for the mild upset. Tirico was too busy groping to have a comment.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 12:02 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
July 31, 2005
Dan LeBatard versus Steve Phillips
4. Dan LeBatard (Defeated Chris Mortensen 64-7)
The Case Against:
"I'm seeded lower than Mike Tirico?" -- Dan LeBatard
"I'm surprised they got his lips away from Ricky Williams or Shaq's backside long enough to take that pic." -- Corgy
"Given the choice of being stuck on an elevator with Dan Le Bastard or giving birth to a porcupine, I'll take the porcupine. Triplets." -- Greg
"LeBatard for the Shaq column. Slightly mitigated for the truth-in-advertising factor: le bâtard is, of course, French for the bastard. Any chance it's all a big act?" -- Bill Walsh
Versus
5. Steve Phillips (Defeated Sal Paolantonio 55-15)
The Case Against:
"Why does a guy who got fired because of his lack of baseball smarts get a job where he is paid to use his baseball smarts?" -- Darlucky
"i feel sorta bad for steve phillips. he seems like a nice guy who realizes hes a dimwit, but for some reason remains a dimwit anyways." -- Jonathan
"If he's fired from ESPN, he might get to ruin another team." -- Ramar
Voting is now closed. Results coming soon.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 01:32 PM | Comments (71) | TrackBack
Chris Berman versus Sean Salisbury
1. Chris Berman (Defeated Rece Davis, 56-12)
The Case Against:
"Chris "Rublin', Stumblin',cookie munchin',hairline going going, back,back,back...gone, HE COULD GO ALL THE WAY!" Berman." -- Smitty
"He's truly an awful, awful television presence. And try mixing up your story about how you "invented" the nickname thing once in awhile. I don't think he's changed that script in 20 years." -- D. Derek
"His calls at the Home Run Derby consist of knowing local suburbs, and mentioning them for home runs that aren't really that long. "That one's to Kalamazoo!", as the ball lands five rows deep in the bleachers." -- Carl
"Why does he ever do play-by-play for baseball anymore? He obviously (and, by obviously, I mean if you listen to the broadcast) knows & cares nothing for the game - do we really want to hear 'backbackbackbackback' again?" -- Jonathan
Versus
9. Sean Salisbury (Defeated Harold Reynolds 70-18)
The Case Against:
"He's somehow even worse as an analyst than he was as a quarterback, which is saying something." -- Stephen Silver
"And you know, sooner or later, John Clayton is going to have had enough, 40-some years of repressed rage are going to spill out, and when Salisbury takes on that condescending "I'm a jock and you know nothing" tone, Clayton is going to go all Bernie Goetz on him." -- Joe
"Until reading the posts about how other people wanted to punch him in the face, I never realized that, yes, he makes me want to punch him in the face, too. And now, all I can think about is punching Sean Salisbury in the face. Thanks a lot." -- Phil
"He reminds me of a high-school jock I knew who thought he was really smart but really had nothing smart whatsoever to contribute to society. I can not remember one piece of Salisbury analysis that I thought was interesting." -- Colin Hesse
"I'm supposed to take this guy's football analysis seriously when as recently as four years ago he's giving play-by-play of Mouser-Mecha-Catbot vs Vlad the Impaler?" -- BDouglas
Voting is now closed. Results coming soon.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 01:24 PM | Comments (86) | TrackBack
Second Round Preview: Jerry Jones Subregional
For this subregional, we have special guest previewers James Brown, Terry Bradshaw, Howie Long, and Jimmy Johnson of Fox Sports.
BROWN: Hello, and welcome to our preview of the Jerry Jones subregional in the Dallas Cowboys regional.
JOHNSON: How 'bout them Cow--
BROWN: Don't! We'll be previewing the Jerry Jones subregional today. First up, Chris Berman versus Sean Salisbury. Terry, your thoughts?
BRADSHAW: Weeeeeell, JB, I don't know much. I'm dumb. I'm stupider than a gator in a coop with a muskrat on its tail. But I do know onnnnne thing. There's somethin' seriously wrong when a scrub like Sean Salisbury gets a TV job. But what do you expect from the guys who hired Mark Malone?
BROWN: So, you like Salisbury's chances of pulling the upset?
BRADSHAW: Did Ah say thet, JB? Howie, JB's puttin words in my mouth.
LONG: Hey, leave me out of this. [To himself] I miss Teri.
BRADSHAW: Chris Berman is one of the greats. He's like the Brett Favre of annoying sportscasting. He's got this one in the bag.
BROWN: Okay, then. What about the other matchup? Steve Phillips versus Dan LeBatard, a 4-5 match between two guys who won easily in the first round. Howie?
LONG: I have no idea who either of these guys is.
JOHNSON: Me neither.
BRADSHAW: I'm sure I don't know, JB. But I think you have to go with Dan LeBatard. I had my assistant read the comments on this matchup and most of the people who voted for Phillips hated him for ruinin' the Mets, not his broadcastin'. Plus, I hear LeBatard's goin' round havin' bloggers on his radio show, that can't be good.
BROWN: Okay, let's send it to Joe, Troy, and Chris for the event. Guys?
Posted by Mac Thomason at 01:22 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
Second Round Results: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar Subregional
Walton 68, Curry 50
Despite accusations of voting irregularities, Bill Walton held off Bill Curry, with a late run giving him some breathing room. Curry is reminded of something Vince Lombardi once told him.
Irvin 86, Bilas 14
Never threatened, Michael Irvin moves on to the next round, where Bilas says his length and projectibility means he should have a good shot at moving on.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 01:01 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
July 29, 2005
Mike Tirico vs. Tony Reali
3. Mike Tirico (Defeated Tim Kurkjian 62-13)
The Case Against:
"The sad thing is, as NBA analysts go, Tirico is above-average :-(
what a terrible group." -- Paul
"Why does ESPN promote guys who sexually harass women but demote guys who pee off a balcony? Which is worse?" -- Chad
"For some reason, I remember him being smarmy during that whole Jimmy Kimmel-rioting-in-Detroit kerfluffle last year. And even if I'm remember it wrong, he seems smarmy enough to win on merit." -- Phil
"How is he good enough to merit keeping despite several glaring character flaws? What does it take to get fired? Is he the lynchpin for the whole network and I'm just missing something?" -- Drewdat
Versus
6. Tony Reali (Defeated Michele Tafoya 78-13)
"I hate Tony Reali as much as anyone on ESPN. He's seeded too low. He's a greasy-haired, wannabe player (not in the sports sense) with an attitude problem and absolutely no TV talent to speak of except a talent for acting like an egomaniacal, smart-aleck teenager. And his show sucks." -- Jenny
"If he was called "stat boy" on ATH, maybe he wouldn't be as annoying, but he doesn't know his place." -- Matt
"Reali is just awful and I hope he gets prostate cancer." -- Buster
"I can respect someone lucking into something despite having no demonstrable talent other than not being Max Kellerman. But I can't tolerate someone who doesn't seem to realize they're nothing more than the ringmaster at the monkey circus." -- Phil
"Reali is a preening moron and the only thing that might stop him from winning this whole thing is his relative insignificance." -- Jason
"How exactly did he land a salaried job, anyways? Did he do anything before Fortune decided to smile on him and crap on the rest of us for however long his reign of tyranny on ESPN (also known as Around the Horn) lasts?" -- Drewdat
Voting now closed. Results coming soon.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 12:33 PM | Comments (84) | TrackBack
Bob Ryan vs. Tim Legler
10. Bob Ryan (Defeated Peter Gammons 75-23)
The Case Against:
"When I agree with him, he's fantastic. But when I don't he's an asshole." -- Matt
"Ryan, hands down for the Nomah bushwacking AND the Kidd incident, which move him far beyond lack of character into true malignancy, with malice aforethought." -- Cult of Basebaal
"The single worst idea in television history was the decision to put Bob Ryan in front of a camera and give him 25 seconds to make a coherent point about anything. 'Huh-bluh...bi-bi-bip...ummm...pa-pa-pa-pa....' and so forth." -- Sansho1
"Ryan is the shrillest, loudest, whiniest windbag on the network." -- Chris
"Ryan comes off as the obnoxious guy at the bar, mouthing off about a lot of things he doesn't really know much about." -- Scott Petersen
Versus
15. Tim Legler (Defeated Lee Corso 50-44)
The Case Against:
"Have you noticed that he always speaks in hip-hop lingo when surrounded by Smith, Anthony, and whoever else?" -- Steve
"He has nothing to say, and he hardly knows how to talk or sit still on camera." -- Sean
"Legler bragged on the Mike and Mike Show that his "game" gets him into all the best nightclubs and restaurants - can this possibly be true?" -- Steven
"Basketball commentary at ESPN is unwatchable and therefore everyone associated with it must pay the price." -- Larry
Voting now closed. Results coming soon.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 12:32 PM | Comments (83) | TrackBack
Second Round Preview: Jimmy Johnson Subregional
The Road From Bristol is happy to announce that we've received a preview for the next subregional written by an ESPN.com employee! He wishes to remain nameless, for fear of retribution (the ATH gang is vicious; they recently broke the kneecaps of a PA) but he sent this on:
The Legler Kid Rolls On by The Anonymous GuyThe big story in this bracket was the Daniel LaRusso-like upset pulled by Tim Legler on Lee Corso. As one of the 19 remaining NBA fans on the planet, I heartily approve. Legler is like one of those contestants on Survivor that at first you don't pay any attention to but over the weeks gets more and more annoying until you can't take it any more and feel like shoving pencils into your eardrums. Also, I don't watch college football.
Meanwhile, I am outraged that Peter Gammons and Bob Ryan were even included in this tournament. Gammons is the Guru! Ryan knows more about the NBA than anyone on the planet! The Anonymous Boy used to wake up to the Boston Globe sports section every day, hoping that there would be a column by one of these guys. If I had to choose, Ryan was the right call, but even Jimy Williams could make this pick.
AG's pick: Legler by 25
Mike Tirico is a fine professional sportscaster, no matter what you think of his personal life. Not to go on a rant here, but why is everyone in this country so hung up when a guy flirts with an attractive woman? I don't think we should hold that against him. (Uh-oh, the Anonymous Gal is looking at me again.)
The Around The Horn guys, however, make me want to put on a mask and start slashing and stabbing like Michael Myers. Tony Reali is no Max Kellerman, because horror sequels are never as scary as the original. Still, this sequel won't be the last of the series.
AG's pick: Reali by 20
By the way, I'm drunk again.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 12:31 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack
Second Round Results: Kobe Bryant Subregional
Smith 115, Maguire 26
Stephen A. Smith screams into the sweet 16, while Paul Maguire, who apparently is gone from ESPN anyway after this football season, ends his run. Maguire might have had a shot against anyone else but not the Smith steamroller.
Rome 101, Rhoden 27
After jumping out to a 3-0 lead, William C. Rhoden couldn't hang with Jim Rome, who lended support to the widely held belief he was underseeded. The second round matchup with Smith should set some sort of record for hearing damage. Rhoden's comment should be finished sometime this weekend.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 12:30 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
July 28, 2005
Michael Irvin vs. Jay Bilas
2. Michael Irvin (Defeated Michael Wilbon 73-6)
The Case Against:
"Miami and the Cowboys would be enough, if it weren't for the fact that he's absolutely dreadful." -- Ramar
"My only concern about voting for Irvin is that upon learning he's won, he'll probably have some coke orgy or something, but nonetheless Irvin gets my vote." -- SP
"Actually, despite my third-generation Redskins fandom, I have to credit the guy's enthusiasm and clear willingness to improve his TV persona. But he's really not a good broadcaster at all yet. He should be on some local channel somewhere for a few years getting his chops. Also, Mike, two words: Elocution lessons. Bumping Sterling Sharpe (a solid ex-jock commentator) for him (if that's what happened) is a close second to the Aldridge-for-Smith crime against humanity." -- Bill Walsh
Versus
7. Jay Bilas (Defeated Dan Patrick 41-38)
The Case Against:
"He gave Stephen A. a run for his money as worst draft commentator ever." -- Paul
"Too condescending, and not in a funny way. He acts like it's beneath him to even talk about why Duke will win every game, because you should know this already." -- Altercall
"Bilas's studio analysis on college basketball drives me nuts! (I like his game analysis however). His ranting about the RPI and supporting all schools in major conferences while simultaneoulsy ranting against any school from a small conference other than Gonzaga is terrible. It's not just what conference you play in, Jay, it's how good your team is!" -- James G
Voting now closed. Results coming soon.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 01:37 PM | Comments (102) | TrackBack
Bill Walton vs. Bill Curry
3. Bill Walton (Defeated Merrill Hoge 56-14)
The Case Against:
"as bad as his whole shtick is with the TERRRIBLE and HORRRIBLE, the worst part is when he changes his mind every halftime show and bandwagons on to whatever miniscule thing he sees wrong. when the pistons were down 2-0, he's wondering wether larry brown should coach. when they come back, all of the sudden they have the heart of a champion and larry should get some medals." -- rivers
"Walton deserves some credit for overcoming his crippling speech impediment and actually moving on to a career in broadcasting, but I'm still voting for him." -- Sean
"Walton is rather funny once you listen to him as ESPN's connection to the stoned, but as David Stern's 7 foot marionnette, I tire of his incessant NBA drool." -- e
Versus
6. Bill Curry (Defeated Al Michaels 50-15)
The Case Against:
"For some reason, every time I think of Curry, I have this image of him in overalls. That, and Coach Lombardi. And do keep in mind, he's the guy that tried to run Tim Couch in the option." -- SP
"I am reminded of something an actual hockey coach once said of Barry Melrose upon hearing Melrose's criticism from the safety of the ESPN Studios: "If he's so f------ smart, how come he's so f------ unemployed?" So I vote for Curry in order to discourage ESPN's Hire-A-Failed-Coach-to-Tell-Other-People-What-They're-Doing-Wrong employment plan." -- Phil
Voting now closed. Results coming soon.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 01:29 PM | Comments (120) | TrackBack
Second Round Preview: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar Subregional
Ernie Johnson Jr.: "Hi, I'm Ernie Johnson Jr. and welcome back to Los Angeles as tonight, we offer two more great second round match-ups from the Kareem Abdul Jabbar subregional. First up, the 3 seed Bill Walton takes on the 6 seed, Bill Curry. Now Charles, Kenny, are you guys surprised that the Lakers bracket is the only bracket intact, not one upset yet in this tournament?"
Charles Barkley: "Well, you know Ernie, there's always one bracket that you don't put a bunch of lines through and I guess this year it's the Lakers bracket. Now Bill Curry is a southern boy like me taking on that giant west coast hippie, Bill Walton. I actually like Curry to win this. They are both gasious windbags but people hate to be preached to so I gotta go Curry. Plus, I hate Indian food...it gives me gas."
[Ernie & Kenny look at each other grossed out]
Kenny Smith: "I disagree with you, Chuckster...I like Walton here. The man is just terrrr-ible as he always likes to say and changes his mind every 5 minutes; that just drives people INSANE."
Barkley: "Hey, I changed my mind too...I have decided for your stupid analysis, I am not going to let it slide and actually kick your ass."
Johnson: "Now, Charles, none of that. Anyway, our next match-up features the #2 seed, Michael Irvin, taking on the 7th seed Jay Bilas."
Smith: "Well, you have to like Bilas' length and wingspan here...
Barkley: "Shut Up."
Smith: "But...
Barkley: "Shut. Up. Look, I am going fishing again. People hate Irvin. This will be a total blowout for him and he will be well rested for the Curry-Walton winner."
Johnson: "But Charles, don't you think this will be a great match-up, a real nail biter...?"
Barkley: "Screw that...Irvin in a blowout. Got anything to add, Kenny?"
Smith: "Nothing other than reminding people about the great clutch shots I used to hit for North Carolina and Houston."
-- Alex R.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 01:29 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
Second Round Results: Curt Schilling Subregional
Morgan 93, Whitlock 43
The bigger they are, the harder they fall, and Jason Whitlock went down hard to Joe Morgan. Whitlock could not be reached for comment. Well, we reached him, but we couldn't understand anything through the Hardee's Thickburger.
Paige 88, Theismann 67
Woody Paige pulled the upset, slowly pulling away from Joe Theismann. (Personally, I think you people are nuts.) Theismann had a comment, but frankly it was too boring to transcribe.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 01:04 PM | Comments (9) | TrackBack
July 27, 2005
Stephen A. Smith vs. Paul Maguire
1. Stephen A. Smith (Defeated Hank Goldberg 78-3)
The Case Against:
"The worst thing about SAS isn't that he's a snivelling little whiner. It's not that he knows NOTHING about basketball. It's not that all his "scoops" are stolen from someone else. It's that will never take a stand that could cross a player. HE has to look smooth in front of them, even if that means he's the biggest sASS out there." -- Altercall
"Not only is Smith shrill and incoherent on air (I've heard he's not, off-air, but that's third-haid), but losing David Aldridge for him? The single greatest crime ESPN has perpetrated against its viewers in years." -- Bill Walsh
"STEPHEN A. SMITH! I'M MAKING THIS POST AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS!!!!! LISTEN TO ME!!!! LISTEN TO ME!!!! ISN'T THIS ANNOYING??????!!!! Now, you know how the rest of America feels, Stephen A." -- Phil
"If you could pick only one "personality" to personify what is wrong with sports on television, it would be hard to go wrong with this obnoxious, no-talent, ass-kissing, scream-at-the-top-of-his-lungs idiot." -- KC from SD
"My wife will be glad she's not the only one who wonders why he's screaming at her all the time." -- Jeremy B.
"If it can be said that ESPN "jumped the shark" when Stuart Scott came along, then let it also be said that ESPN got married to a woman with a little girl and became a teacher at the local high school with Ted McGinley when Steven A. Smith came along." -- J. Lichty
"Does he even know he is wallowing in self parody, or does he just not care?" -- Craig D. Barker
Versus
8. Paul Maguire (Defeated J.A. Adande 45-38)
The Case Against:
"I hate him more than any man alive." -- Joey T
"The single worst NFL announcer in the business today, bar none." -- Arford
"McGuire with his pseudo-intellectualism is horrible in his own right, but pair him with Theisman and I would rather give John Madden a sponge bath than listen to those two." -- J. Lichty
"Let me tell you something, Maguire is the worst broadcaster alive. He is annoying, repeats himself constantly, and...wait, watch this, watch this, BAM!!!! Did you see that? He just wet himself again." -- Luke
Voting now closed. Results coming soon.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 02:05 PM | Comments (143) | TrackBack
William C. Rhoden vs. Jim Rome
4. William C. Rhoden (Defeated Mike Greenberg, 44-29)
The Case Against:
"I used to watch Sports Reporters for its fast pace arguing, and this guys spits out 1 word an hour. As mentioned, racism to boot." -- James G
"Rhoden is what Terrence Moore would be if anyone was ever stupid enough to pick him up for a sports show. He must go." -- Bwarrend
"At the risk of being labeled a racist by Rhoden himself I have to vote for him." -- Grandcosmo
"Rhoden personifies everything I hate about the New York Times." -- Paul Scarte
"Rhoden is a festering pustule on the skin of sports, and needs to be lanced." -- Vetinari
Versus
5. Jim Rome (Defeated Jim Donnan 75-9)
The Case Against:
"He must have nude pictures of Mark Shapiro(ESPN CEO) or something because he keeps getting hired and has no audience. A sleeper final four pick." -- Bob
"Maybe by the time his sixth show is airing on ESPN2 -- "Rome Wasn't Built in a Day" it could be called or "Rome, If You Want To" or even "Rome on $8 a Day" -- an exhausted America will finally succumb to Rome's supposed charms. But not today, Jim." -- Phil
"His show is like ESPN's version of the National Enquirer or something. He looks like a serial rapist." -- Jenny
"He personifies all that is bad about sports radio. What bugs me most is that he seems to be a sharp, interesting guy who has chosen the dark side." -- Teacherrefpoet
Voting now closed. Results coming soon.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 01:54 PM | Comments (131) | TrackBack
Second Round Preview: Kobe Bryant Subregional
Ernie Johnson Jr.: "Welcome to TNT, I'm Ernie Johnson along with 'Sir' Charles Barkley and Kenny 'The Jet' Smith as we preview the 2nd round match-ups in the Lakers regional, here in the Kobe Bryant sub-regional at Staples Center. One of the very favorites of the entire "Road from Bristol" tournament is on hand tonight as the #1 seed, Stephen A. Smith takes on 8th seeded Paul Maguire. Charles...your thoughts."
Charles Barkley: "GIN-O-BI-LI! GIN-O-BI-LI!"
Johnson: "Charles? The Spurs aren't playing again until October."
Barkley: "I know, you damn fool...I just like saying GIN-O-BI-LI because it's always a great energy starter for me. Anyway, Maguire is a fat, old white dude and I think Stephen A. may be too quick for him. I mean, the people really hate Stephen A. so you have to say this game is gonna be a blowout. Maguire ain't got no shot."
Kenny Smith: "Like in my glory days at North Carolina, I think you are going to see that kind of performance from Stephen A. Smith tonight. He's SMOOTH. Remember the smoothness with which I played in Chapel Hill and then in Houston? THAT kind of smooth!"
Barkley: "Kenny, you sucked. You were one dimensional and all you could do was shoot threes all night."
Smith: "Charles, I played Hall of Fame Basketball because I was trained by Dean Smith himself."
Barkley: "Kenny, you're a damned fool. You know that? I should throw you through a window."
Johnson: "Um, ok, none of that, Charles! (mutters)...even if he deserves it (Kenny looks shocked!)...anyway, our other bracket match-up is a real barnburner...the 4 seed William C. Rhoden vs. the 5 seed, Jim Rome."
Barkley: "It don't matter... I'm going fishing. People hate Rome and hell, I don't even know who the hell Rhoden is. Rome won't break a sweat tonight.
Johnson: "Charles, are you serious? I mean, c'mon...we have a matchup to promote... tell the people it will be exciting!"
Barkley: "Who cares...people just want me to be straight. Rome will squash this no name."
Smith: "Charles, I am afraid I am going to have to disagree again. It's like those big shots I took for Houston in the 1994 Finals... Rhoden has that kind of angry passion and people hate the man. Hell, he hates white people and respects guys like Richard Williams. Rhoden has a real shot if the clones stay home."
-- Alex R.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 01:30 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
Second Round Results: Derek Jeter Subregional
Scott 111, Kruk 35
Stu Scott reinforced his status as the overall favorite by blowing out what was considered a strong #8 seed. John Kruk will have a comment as soon as we can make him understand what's happening, so six to eight weeks, tops.
Gray 90, Brantley 42
Sometimes after pulling off the 12-5 upset you're just overmatched in the second round. That's what happened to Jeff Brantley, as the King of the Mullet People fell decisively to the Lord of the Sideline Reporters, Jim Gray. We're pretty sure that we can explain the events to Brantley in no more than four weeks.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 01:30 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
July 25, 2005
Joe Theismann vs. Woody Paige
3. Joe Theismann (Defeated Mike Golic, 84-25)
The Case Against:
"When he's announcing, he makes me want to turn NFL games off." -- Jeff
"The next thing he says that is even semi-intelligent will be the first." -- Joe
"Will yell at officials about ANYTHING, yet doesn't seem to know the rules of football." -- Teacherrefpoet
"Theismann makes me homicidal. The only good thing about living in Dallas is that all the How-Bout-Them-Cowboys fans still pronounce his name "Theesman." This is the only thing I like about Cowboys fans. Half of what Joey says on Sunday Night Football could be discerned easily by a baby chimpanzee; the other half is stated for the sole purpose of starting an argument with Paul Maguire." -- PhillyBill
"The people who say they like Sunday Night Football should be liquidated." -- Grandcosmo
Versus
6. Woody Paige (Defeated Tom Tolbert, 86-20)
The Case Against:
"I've watched Around the Horn. Please, someone, kill him." -- Randy Jones
"i'd rather cut off my balls with the shards from a broken pepsi bottle and wear the bloody rambutans as sunglasses than ever witness the horror that is woody paige again in my life." -- Cult of Basebaal. (A little extreme, there. -- MT)
"Paige, because I can't believe ESPN executives saw this bug-eyed, sub-articulate yahoo scream his way through another ill-conceived argument and thought, 'Boy, America needs to be watching more of this guy!'" -- Phil
"Around the Horn and that Pizza show and SaS getting his own show? Is ESPN666 "All Talk" next?" -- KC from SD
Voting is now closed. Results coming soon.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 11:15 PM | Comments (155) | TrackBack
Joe Morgan vs. Jason Whitlock
2. Joe Morgan (Defeated Suzy Kolber, 100-9)
The Case Against:
"He has no competition for the award as the ex-player turned announcer with the biggest drop-off from the quality of his play to the "quality" of his announcing." -- Sam M.
"I can't stand his announcing. Really more than any one else's announcing his is worse by several orders of magnitude. There is no actual way I can think of to describe how bad Morgan is as an announcer." -- hap
"If he wins, you can find him immediately behind Barry Bonds, kissing his ass." -- Bill McCabe
"The total mass of Morgan and Reggie Jackson's heads generated enough gravitational pull to keep 4 more of Bobby's Abreau's swings in the park Monday night." -- Downtown ATL
Versus
7. Jason Whitlock (Defeated John Clayton, 82-9)
"Whenever they do a close-up on Whitlock, my wife cracks up because his huge body takes up the whole frame - it looks even funnier immediately after a close-up on Smith, a normal sized guy. Plus, yesterday he said that Kenny Rogers was a 3-time Cy Young winner. Oops." -- Kyle S.
"Reminds me of the fat guy in Monty Python's Meaning of Life. "C'mon, it's just a wafer. Just a teeny wafer." How about that for pay-per-view?" -- KC from SD
"I don't know if I'd ever even seen him before he cohosted PTI this week, and already I hate him." -- Joseph Bradley
"I can't help but think that Jason Whitlock actively hates white people, and indeed is about to write a Page 2 column about how racist this tournament is for not seeding lower, or higher, or whatever fits his argument that day. So, Whitlock." -- SP
"How a 500-pounder can accuse Lance Armstrong of not being an athlete is beyond me. However, Whitlock might have a point since the 2000+ miles that Lance rides in the Tour de France only burn as many calories as Whitlock consumes in two meals." -- Kepa
Voting is now closed. Results coming soon.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 11:14 PM | Comments (136) | TrackBack
Second Round Preview: Curt Schilling Subregional
Greg Gumbel: "Hi, Greg Gumbel back in New York...wait, hold on...it's my cell phone...hello...Bryant, is that you? STOP CALLING ME YOU ANCIENT HACK. Yes, I will remember to bring the turkey for Thanksgi...no, Bryant, I won't talk to CBS about giving you your own sh...look, it doesn't matter how many times you ask, you are still...I don't care that mom said I had to be nicer to you. Tough...oh really...you are going to kick MY ass? I would like to see you try you pissy bitch. I cannot believe you are my older brother...look, I received a call from Katie Couric...you have to STOP CALLING HER ALREADY. Don't you get it? Just because Jane Pauley slept with you so you could keep your job, doesn't mean Katie's interested...though I did get a call from Ryan Seacrest about you...are you interested? Ok, sure...here's his number...look, I gotta wrap it up, the camera guys are getting mad.
Anyway, Greg Gumbel back here in New York with my colleagues Clark Kellogg & Seth Davis to preview the Curt Schilling Sub Regional and here are our next set of second round match ups.
Our first match features heavily favored #2 seed Joe Morgan against the surprisingly strong 7th seed, Jason Whitlock. Now guys, I don't know if Morgan will be ready for the onslaught that Whitlock unleashed on John Clayton in the 1st round. Total blowout.
Seth Davis: Look, I said all along that Whitlock was one of my sleepers...the Lance Armstrong comment was strong enough to draw the ire of most of the western world. Clark...do you dare disagree?
Clark Kellogg: No, I am going with Seth on this...
Seth Davis: Chicken****.
Clark Kellogg: Bite me, pretty boy. Anyway, never underestimate an angry fat man....just look at the surprising tournament performances of John Kruk & Jeff Brantley. Whitlock is dangerous but I think Morgan can pull it out. He does love to draw up diagrams and that should still help piss off the Baseball crowd enough.
Seth Davis: I am taking the upset and going with Whitlock..this fat turd doesn't think Lance Armstrong is a real athlete...a man who beat Cancer and just won his 7th straight Tour De France? Take the upset and Morgan shows us another vulnerable 2 seed.
Greg Gumbel: The other match-up in the Curt Schilling sub regional features the 3 seed, Joe Thristol Theismann (Greg laughs at that one) vs. the 6 seed, Woody Paige. Thoughts?
Clark Kellogg: I am going with Paige in this one. The wood-man has been on fire and people really hate "Around The Horn". I think some people have even forgotten that Theismann is even on ESPN anymore.
Seth Davis: What, are you nuts, Kellogg? The man tried to rhyme his name with "Heisman". Nuff said. Still, I also take the upset...take Paige & the points. The Wood-man is real sleeper and people need to watch out for this loudmouth. Total hateable character in my opinion.
-- Alex R.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 11:10 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
Jim Gray vs. Jeff Brantley
4. Jim Gray (Defeated Trev Alberts, 100-26)
The Case Against:
"I'd have started a massive write-in "Rose for HOF" campaign if he'd slugged Gray in the mouth during that interview." -- UCCF
"He gets this kind of weird look on his face whenever they cut to him reporting from Los Angeles. The "I'm special because I get the inside scoop on the Lakers" look. Kissing Kobe's butt paid off for Jimmy." -- J. Rauch
"I can never concentrate on anything he has to say, because he has the largest forehead on Earth." -- PDiddie
"Gray is the smarmiest, slipperiest weasel I can think of on television. Just thinking of him makes me shiver." -- Brandon
"Possibly the most irritating interviewer of his generation. And the constant smiling indicates a possible painkiller addiction." -- Cy_young
Versus
12. Jeff Brantley (Defeated Mike Lupica, 81-72)
The Case Against:
"Brantley should learn to keep his mouth shut because 95% of what he says is either wrong or just uninteresting." -- Alio Intuito
"I would probably vote for him over everyone else on ESPN because he's such a moron." -- Josh
"Not only is Brantley an inarticulate meathead, but he talks about his playing career as though he was Dennis Eckersley or something. Brantley = Rob Dibble without the charisma. (Hahaha.)" -- Philly Bill
"The only thing worse than a closer who thinks they are the most important cog on a team, is a retired crappy closer who preaches that gospel like a Jehovah's Witness, and has a balding mullet..." -- JB
Voting now closed. Results coming soon.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 03:16 AM | Comments (134) | TrackBack
Stuart Scott vs. John Kruk
1. Stuart Scott (Defeated Scott Van Pelt, 123-8)
The Case Against:
"Stuart Scott has done more to ruin my enjoyment of ESPN than almost anyone I can think of (though, with 56 names still to go, that will probably be proven wrong)." -- UCCF
"Stu Scott is a mindless, characterless buffoon who endlessly repeats tired "urban" catchphrases for his corporate masters at Disney/ESPN. What's next, Stu? "Throw ya hands in tha air and wave 'em like ya just don't care"? What year is this? Stu Scott: Setting black culture back another couple years each night at 11." -- Philly Bill
"Inane commentator with the same likeability as persistent nasal discharge. Hosts the worst shows I've ever seen, with names like "Top 25 Screwups by Concession Stand Personnel" that repeat ALL DAY! Seen WAY too much on TV in airport bars." -- Jenny
"When I die and go to hell, I imagine that the only ESPN feed available will feature all Stuart Scott all the time. What, you mean ESPN practically does that now? Perhaps I'm already in hell." -- Phil
Versus
8. John Kruk (Defeated Mitch Albom, 87-55)
The Case Against:
"For the life of me I don't understand how Kruk remains on TV. This person is beyond stupid, if he wasn't a semi-famous former jock he wouldn't be allowed near a third rate high school radio station." -- Alio Intuito
"There has never been a commentator who says more things that are 100% wrong with such absolute conviction that he's 100% right. He can barely put three words together. If it weren't for Dick Vitale, John Kruk would be the worst announcer of any kind in sports." -- Sam M.
"John Kruk flat out stinks. It's like Caveman Baseball 101. I disagree with nearly every point he makes. He adds nothing." -- Cary
Voting is now closed. Results coming soon.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 03:07 AM | Comments (149) | TrackBack
Second Round Preview: Derek Jeter Subregional
Greg Gumbel: Hi folks...we are live from Yankee Stadium for the second round of the Derek Jeter subregional. Along with Seth Davis & Clark Kellogg, I'm Greg Gumbel, and we're here to preview you the first two second round matchups.
First up, the favorite, the #1 seed Stuart Scott and his lazy eye battle the #8 seed, heavyweight John Kruk.
Clark Kellogg: Greg, you have to like Kruk's chances for the upset...I know he's fat but he's so unattractive, that may sway people who you'd think might automatically vote for Scott.
Seth Davis: Clark, you are wrong, again. (Rolls his eyes).
I am here to tell America that not only do I look great on TV, but I am never wrong. Scott wins this in a cakewalk. Yeah, Kruk may eat some of that cake, but Scott will make the Sweet 16 with relative ease.
Clark Kellogg: Well, I am picking Scott the favorite here also, I just think it will be a lot closer than you think.
Seth Davis: You're an idiot, Kellogg.
Greg Gumbel: Next up, fellas, one of the big surprises in 'The Road from Bristol' the 12th seed, Jeff Brantley battling the 4th seed, Jim Gray. In the first round, Gray stomped a mud hole in Trev Alberts and it was never even close. Brantley on the other hand had a tough time with the favorite, Mike Lupica, but still managed the upset. Well, Clark and Seth, does this Cinderella story keep rolling or will the Brantley-mullet train be slammed down by a rolling Jim Gray?
Clark Kellogg: Gray, in a walk. Forget about the Cinderella mullet...Jim Gray is too universally hated to lose.
Seth Davis: Yes, Gray wins this for sure, Greg... but I did receive word that Pete Rose arrived at JFK recently and will be in attendence to root on Brantley. He may even have some money riding on this. At the very least, Rose is trying to psyche Gray out.
-- Alex R.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 03:02 AM | Comments (7) | TrackBack