August 20, 2005
Cutting Down the Nets: Duke Blue Devils Regional
Bayless 69, Mariotti 21
Jay Mariotti garnered more votes than all of Skip Bayless' previous opponents combined, but still wasn't able to stand in the way of the Bayless Express. Stephen A. Smith gets the next crack at it.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 10:33 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
August 18, 2005
Cutting Down The Nets: LA Lakers Regional
Smith 83, Irvin 15
Stephen A. Smith continues to cruise, easily wiping out Michael Irvin, who had won his previous matchups by an average of 78-16. Smith does that little dance of his into the Foul Four, where he is expected to meet Skip Bayless in what's generally considered the "real" final.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 09:13 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
August 17, 2005
Cutting Down The Nets: Yankees/Red Sox Regional
Scott 85, Morgan 51
Stuart Scott moves on to the Foul Four, easily taking out Joe Morgan. It's a little tough to say goodbye to Little Joe, who more than anyone was the inspiration for this tournament, but what can I say? He tried to take on a power hitter with speed and one-run strategies and got crushed.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 10:13 AM | Comments (7) | TrackBack
August 14, 2005
Results: Skip Bayless vs. Larry Bowa
Bayless 90, Bowa 6
They're gaining on Skip Bayless. If this thing went fifteen or twenty rounds, he might be challenged. As it is, he rolls on with another total destruction of an overmatched opponent.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 03:30 PM | Comments (7) | TrackBack
August 11, 2005
Results: Chris Berman vs. Dan LeBatard
LeBatard 82, Berman 64
With a late surge that certainly didn't have anything to do with him going on the radio and asking for votes, Dan LeBatard knocked out Chris "Tim-"Berman to move to the round of 8. I have the vote as 62-52 before LeBatard went on a 30-2 run.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 10:00 AM | Comments (17) | TrackBack
August 10, 2005
Results: Michael Irvin vs. Bill Walton
Irvin 75, Walton 29
Cocaine wins easily, as Michael Irvin takes out the big hippie, who wants to know if you've ever looked at a basketball, I mean really looked.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 01:20 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
August 08, 2005
Results: Joe Morgan vs. Woody Paige
Morgan 81, Paige 56
A surprisingly game Woody Paige couldn't quite keep up with Joe Morgan, who moves on to meet Stu Scott in a regional final battle of vapid versus malevolent. Who cares what Paige thinks?
Posted by Mac Thomason at 08:22 AM | Comments (5) | TrackBack
August 06, 2005
Results: Stuart Scott vs. Jim Gray
Scott 78, Gray 32
Gray kept it close for awhile, but Stuart Scott pulled away starting at about the quarter mark and went on to an easy victory. Scott becomes a deserving first member of the Egregious Eight.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 07:17 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
August 04, 2005
Second Round Results: Mike Krzyzewski Subregional
Bayless 110, Fowler 2
Skip Bayless won the most lopsided victory of the tournament so far. Only two people voted for Fowler. One said he hates Bayless too, the other just felt sorry for him. There were six times as many null votes as Fowler votes. Bayless actually equalled Fowler's Libertarian-like vote total in the other matchup, where he wasn't a contestant. He may be a #2 seed, but he's #666 in everyone's heart.
Bowa 62, Kiper 31
It may not matter much who faces Bayless in the Sour Sixteen, but Larry Bowa doubled up Mel Kiper for a surprisingly easy victory. Look at it this way -- just being one of 32 makes Mel a first-round pick!
Posted by Mac Thomason at 12:43 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack
August 03, 2005
Second Round Results: Christian Laettner Subregional
Vitale 79, Phelps 18
Dick Vitale rebounded from his first round scare to smash Digger Phelps and strike a blow for the follically challenged against the overly haired. Nobody cares what Phelps thinks.
Mariotti 81, Cook 11
Jay Mariotti crushed Beano Cook and moves on to face Vitale. Someone might want to wake up Beano and give him the news. Or not.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 10:01 AM | Comments (19) | TrackBack
August 02, 2005
Second Round Results: Jerry Jones Subregional
Berman 45, Salisbury 40
The clock ran out for Sean Salisbury, who mounted a furious late run at #1 seed Chris Berman only to fall short at the end. Salisbury will take out his frustrations on John Clayton.
LeBatard 51, Phillips 20
Meanwhile, Dan LeBatard easily handled Steve Phillips, who was busy trying to line up another GM job. Billy Beane would love to give him a reference.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 08:18 AM | Comments (8) | TrackBack
August 01, 2005
Second Round Results: Jimmy Johnson Subregional
Ryan 54, Legler 29
Bob Ryan ended Tim Legler's Cinderella dreams with a smashing victory, taking an early lead and building it from there. Legs is down with that.
Reali 50, Tirico 34
Stat Boy jumped out to a 7-0 lead and held on from there for the mild upset. Tirico was too busy groping to have a comment.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 12:02 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
July 31, 2005
Second Round Results: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar Subregional
Walton 68, Curry 50
Despite accusations of voting irregularities, Bill Walton held off Bill Curry, with a late run giving him some breathing room. Curry is reminded of something Vince Lombardi once told him.
Irvin 86, Bilas 14
Never threatened, Michael Irvin moves on to the next round, where Bilas says his length and projectibility means he should have a good shot at moving on.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 01:01 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
July 29, 2005
Second Round Results: Kobe Bryant Subregional
Smith 115, Maguire 26
Stephen A. Smith screams into the sweet 16, while Paul Maguire, who apparently is gone from ESPN anyway after this football season, ends his run. Maguire might have had a shot against anyone else but not the Smith steamroller.
Rome 101, Rhoden 27
After jumping out to a 3-0 lead, William C. Rhoden couldn't hang with Jim Rome, who lended support to the widely held belief he was underseeded. The second round matchup with Smith should set some sort of record for hearing damage. Rhoden's comment should be finished sometime this weekend.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 12:30 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
July 28, 2005
Second Round Results: Curt Schilling Subregional
Morgan 93, Whitlock 43
The bigger they are, the harder they fall, and Jason Whitlock went down hard to Joe Morgan. Whitlock could not be reached for comment. Well, we reached him, but we couldn't understand anything through the Hardee's Thickburger.
Paige 88, Theismann 67
Woody Paige pulled the upset, slowly pulling away from Joe Theismann. (Personally, I think you people are nuts.) Theismann had a comment, but frankly it was too boring to transcribe.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 01:04 PM | Comments (9) | TrackBack
July 27, 2005
Second Round Results: Derek Jeter Subregional
Scott 111, Kruk 35
Stu Scott reinforced his status as the overall favorite by blowing out what was considered a strong #8 seed. John Kruk will have a comment as soon as we can make him understand what's happening, so six to eight weeks, tops.
Gray 90, Brantley 42
Sometimes after pulling off the 12-5 upset you're just overmatched in the second round. That's what happened to Jeff Brantley, as the King of the Mullet People fell decisively to the Lord of the Sideline Reporters, Jim Gray. We're pretty sure that we can explain the events to Brantley in no more than four weeks.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 01:30 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
July 24, 2005
Mike Krzyzewski Subregional results
Bayless 110, Herbstreit 8
Skip Bayless is one of the favorites, and showed why, jumping out 12-0 and running away from there against Kirk Herbstreit, who will be joining Corso in a pity party later.
Fowler 54, Anthony 47
Bayless' sacrificial lamb in the second round will be Chris Fowler, who garners a measure of revenge for the college football crowd against the NBA people for Legler's upset of Corso. Anthony will be happy to find that he's the one NBA guy that many people find half-decent.
Bowa 67, Jackson 34
Then again, Mark Jackson is apparently innocuous enough to lose handily to Larry Bowa, whose combination of former managing incompetence and current broadcasting annoyance helped him pull away in a once-close contest. Jackson is no doubt doing an annoying dance right now.
Kiper 65, Jaworski 34
In a match so short of vitriol that a couple of voters abstained, Mel Kiper, and his hair, move on. Ron Jaworski will break down the matchup once he's had a chance to review the film. As for me, I think Jaws is great.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 03:58 PM | Comments (6) | TrackBack
July 23, 2005
Christian Laettner Subregional results
Vitale 66, Cohn 51
A surprisingly game (and definitely underseeded -- East Coast Bias strikes again, I guess) Linda Cohn couldn't quite pull even with Dick Vitale, who survives a scare and moves on. Unlike some others, this near-upset was certainly less about Vitale and more about Cohn, who could not be reached because this is teeth-cleaning week.
Phelps 65, Kornheiser 38
Vitale's sometime sidekick Digger Phelps had an easier time of it with Tony Kornheiser, setting up an all-college basketball second-round matchup. This contest was too like a sporting event for Kornheiser to pay attention to.
Cook 53, Musberger 41
A couple of old gunslingers proved they still had what it takes to annoy, with a wildly entertaining contest that saw Brent Musberger go out to an early lead but Beano Cook put on a sprint in the middle going to win. Musberger was reportedly stunned to find out Cook was still alive.
Mariotti 84, Olney 20
In by far the easiest match of this subregional, Jay Mariotti cruised to a 64-vote victory that wasn't really that close. Buster Olney is said to be working on a "productive annoyance" statistic that will show that he really won.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 01:21 PM | Comments (6) | TrackBack
July 22, 2005
Greg Anthony vs. Chris Fowler (Mike Krzyzewski Subregional)
7. Greg Anthony
The Crimes:
- Played for Jerry Tarkanian.
- That UNLV team's Final Four loss created the Legend of Duke.
- Needs to tone down the wardrobe.
- And decide once and for all: mustache or no mustache.
- Another guy who somehow turned his mediocre pro career into a high-paying broadcast job.
Versus
10. Chris Fowler
The Crimes:
- Mindless SEC-bashing and South-bashing in general.
- Joins Corso and Herbstreit in the Big Ten Love-In.
- Sucks up to Corso.
Voting now closed, results to come.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 10:17 AM | Comments (102) | TrackBack
Jimmy Johnson Subregional Results
Legler 50, Corso 44
In the biggest upset of the tournament so far, #15 seed and NBA fifth wheel Tim Legler held on to knock off top college football man Lee Corso. I don't know, I hate Corso more than anyone, but apparently some don't mind him, and the hatred for Legler runs deeper than I thought. A devastated Corso is trying to get Burt Reynolds on the phone to see if he can move in.
Ryan 75, Gammons 23
Continuing the upsets, Bob Ryan handily knocked off fellow Globie Peter Gammons, restoring some luster to The Sports Reporters after the upset losses of Albom and Lupica. Gammons reports that he's going on tour with the Dave Matthews Band.
Tirico 62, Kurkjian 13
Mike Tirico avoided the upset bug, groping his way to an easy win over Tim Kurkjian. Kurkjian might have had a reaction but ESPN decided to give that time to Kruk and Bowa instead.
Reali 78, Tafoya 13
Dark horse Stat Boy took out Michele Tafoya with no problems. Tafoya just talked to Larry Brown and Coach Brown says that she should be fine with that, back to you, Al.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 09:28 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
July 21, 2005
Special emeritus matchup: Brent Musburger vs. Beano Cook (Christian Laettner Subregional)
4. Brent Musburger
The Crimes:
- Too many crimes over too many years to detail.
- So old he's growing crust.
- You are looking live!
- Arguably the first star-broadcaster-as-personality.
Versus
13. Beano Cook
The Crimes:
- Relentless Penn State homer.
- Hey Beano, Ron Powlus called, your car is ready.
- It's not for nothing that his first name is also that of an antiflatuence product.
- Against all odds, is still alive, thereby taking up nutrients and oxygen that could be put to better use by more productive lifeforms.
- Increasingly resembles Jabba the Hutt.
Voting is now closed. Results coming soon.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 09:47 AM | Comments (94) | TrackBack
Tony Kornheiser vs. Digger Phelps (Christian Laettner Subregional)
8. Tony Kornheiser
The Crimes:
- Two words: Listen. Up.
- Curmudgeonly enough to make Lou Pinella seem happy-go-lucky.
- I repeat: No Pardon The Interruption, no Around The Horn.
- Gave up paying attention to sports years ago but is all over sports radio and television.
- Drags Wilbon down with him.
Versus
9. Digger Phelps
The Crimes:
- Coached at Notre Dame.
- Too old to use so much mousse.
- Likes Vitale.
- Bears some responsibility for Danny Ainge.
- What kind of name is "Digger" for a grown man?
Voting is now closed. Results coming soon.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 09:44 AM | Comments (104) | TrackBack
Jerry Jones Subregional Results
Berman 56, Davis 12
A surprisingly strong showing for "Beasley" Rece Davis, suggesting that Chris Berman may be the most vulnerable of the #1 seeds. Davis can relax in the knowledge that while he's more hated than Kenny Mayne, lots of people are still worse than him.
Salisbury 70, Reynolds 18
Lying in wait for Berman will be Sean Salisbury, an easy winner over Harold Reynolds. Either Salisbury was underseeded or there's more affection for Reynolds than I thought. Harold will need to watch more coaching videos if he wants to compete on this level. Salisbury looks to have a chance against Berman in the second round.
LeBatard 64, Mortensen 7
Maybe Dan LeBatard too should have been a higher seed, a #2 or #3, after one of the easiest wins of the first round. ESPN's Chris Mortensen reports that Mortensen is enjoying his loss and thinking about regrowing the 'stache.
Phillips 55, Paolantonio 15
Hate dating back to his GM days helped carry Steve Phillips to an easy first-round win over Sal Paolantonio, who can go back to his day job of trying to figure out what Terrell Owens is thinking. LeBatard/Phillips looks like a highlight of the second round.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 09:04 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack
July 20, 2005
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar subregional results
Final Score: Irvin 73, Wilbon 6
Michael Irvin ran away with this one like he was Jerry Rice or somebody, dashing out to a 22-0 lead and coasting from there. Michael Wilbon is on vacation and could not be reached for comment.
Final Score: Bilas 41, Patrick 38
A barnburner! Jay Bilas, in typical Duke style, went out to a big lead, blew it, and still managed to pull it out in the end. I would blame the officials, but that's me. Patrick plans to celebrate by going to TGI Friday's and having a Coors. Bilas should lose easily in the next round.
Final Score: Walton 56, Hoge 14
Bill Walton went out 16-0 and built the lead from there. Hoge was too busy trying to explain to Jaworski how the Steelers should have beaten the Patriots to care.
Final Score: Curry 50, Michaels 15
Do you believe in upsets? No! Bill Curry handily beat Al Michaels without any help from your judge, who hates Bill Curry with the fire of a million suns. Michaels will be keeping a close eye on if Curry can stay within twelve votes of Walton.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 09:16 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
July 19, 2005
Kobe Bryant Subregional results
Final Score: Smith 78, Goldberg 3
Though not able to achieve the suspected shutout, Stephen A. Smith handily defeated Hank Goldberg in the biggest blowout of the tournament so far. Goldberg was at the track and could not be reached.
Final Score: Maguire 45, Adande 38
Let me tell you something. You see this here? This here is a comeback. Buried early, Paul Maguire rallied in the second half, putting away J. A. Adande and ending the ATH run. He'll have a tough road against Smith in the second round, though.
Final Score: Rhoden 44, Greenberg 29
Vulnerable 4 seed William C. Rhoden held off Mike Greenberg, who was too busy choosing new ties to care.
Final Score: Rome 75 Donnan 9
To no one's surprise, Jim Rome laid the smackdown on Jim Donnan in the battle of guys who have nothing in common but their first names and being carbon-based life forms. Donnan was reached but I couldn't understand what he said. Rome has to be favored to pull the mild upset in the second round.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 08:57 AM | Comments (4) | TrackBack
July 17, 2005
Curt Schilling Subregional results
Final Score: Morgan 100, Kolber 9
Never close, as Joe Morgan jumped out to a 20-0 lead. I called Joe to give him the good news:
ME: Hi, Mr. Morgan, I'm just calling to let you know that you beat Suzy Kolber in the first round.
JOE: WHAT?!? Why is Suzy Kolber saying that I beat her? I barely know Suzy Kolber!
ME: No, no, it's a contest, you see.
JOE: She said I beat her as part of a contest?
ME: No, we're not saying you beat her up. You got more---
JOE: She's saying that I can't beat her up? I'm a Hall of Fame athlete, I think I can take a woman!
ME: Suzy isn't saying that you can't take her, it's only that---
JOE: If Suzy Kolber thinks I can beat her, she shouldn't have written that I couldn't.
ME: I don't think you understand---
JOE: I am not going to be insulted! Good day, sir!
ME: I just---
JOE: I said, good day!
Final Score: Whitlock 82, Clayton 9
Jason Whitlock's impressive showing was as big of a blowout as we've seen in the middle seeds. John Clayton says inside sources have revealed that big changes will be made in his program this offseason. Whitlock faces off against Morgan in what surely will be the tournament's biggest size mismatch.
Final Score: Theismann 84, Golic 25
Mike Golic just couldn't keep pace with Joe Theismann, who could not be reached as he was too busy figuring out a way to make his name rhyme with "Bristol".
Final Score: Paige 86, Tolbert 20
Woody Paige and Skip Bayless are now planning a twenty-minute debate on whether the Around The Horn/Cold Pizza bloc of candidates was underseeded. A lot of hate out there for those guys. The upcoming Paige/Theismann festival of hate should be very interesting.
Confession to make... Some wondered about Tolbert's seeding. He was actually not originally in the tournament. Andy Katz was in this space, but I couldn't think of any interesting insults for him and I wanted to mention the Zippy the Pinhead thing. I don't think Katz would have done any better against Paige, though.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 02:02 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
July 14, 2005
Derek Jeter Subregional Results
Final Score: Scott 123, Van Pelt 8
Boo-yah! Stu Scott never trailed and the last tie was at 2-2. Yes, just like the real committee, we protect our #1 seeds. The score wasn't remotely close. Maybe Stu should have gone to his bench.
Final Score: Kruk 87, Albom 55
Next up for the heavily favored Stu, John Kruk, who after falling behind early had a surprisingly easy time of it with Mitch Albom. Mitch, unfortunately, has already filed a column about his own victory.
Final Score: Brantley 81, Lupica 72
There really is always a 12-5 upset. Mike Lupica mounted a valiant comeback, but ran out of time and could not overtake Jeff Brantley. Lupica blamed this on Brantley's home-field advantage among baseball fans and vowed to become even shorter and even more annoying.
Final Score: Grey 100, Alberts 26
Brantley will go on to face a well-rested Jim Grey. Grey was never seriously threatened by Trev Alberts, who went down like a post-Osbourne Nebraska team playing at Oklahoma.
In the morning, I hope to do a "highlight show" post, picking out the best comments. Winners will receive nothing at all. Well, a credit.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 09:05 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack