August 28, 2005
More from the red carpet
MELISSA RIVERS: Well, mom, let's start with Stu Scott's choice of clothing...what's up with the too bright, loud shirts and the 5 button suits? Yikes! And then, there's the lazy eye thing... ooooohh (shivers). Just horrible. As for Skip Bayless, even worse; first, the GI Joe, plastic Ken Doll haircut...just awful...and those suits. Not for a white man! This whole thing is just a sham, if you ask me.
SAGER: Well, we really didn't...
MELISSA: Oh, screw you...mom let's go and judge some other outfits.
SAGER: Ok, let's send it back over to you, Jim.
JIM GRAY: I'm here with the Vice President of the United States, Dick Cheney, as well as Senior Advisor Karl Rove. Let's start with you, Mr. Vice President.
DICK CHENEY: Well, Jim, we are here to enjoy, an All American match-up between two great Americans and have a night off from work.
KARL ROVE: Well, that's not quite all...Jim, actually we are trailing Penn, Moore & Garofalo with some help of some deep cover operatives...
[Cheney suddenly clutches his chest, gasping for air]
CHENEY: Karl, no...no NAMES...please....stop....
[Cheney falls to the ground and the paramedics run over]
ROVE: Gosh, that's too bad...I hope Dick feels better. Anyway, Jim, I just want to thank Jeff Wilson of Aames, Iowa and Thomas Stevens of Glendale, California for their wonderful work tonight in helping Cheney and I trail those crazy terrorist-hugging liberals.
GRAY: Great job keeping some secrets there, Rove. Wait to protect your agents.
ROVE: Fine then, Gray, why don't you call them...here's their cell numbers and email addresses!
GRAY: On that note, let's send it back over to Craig Sager. Craig?
SAGER: I am here with NFL Pro Bowlers and top notch wide receivers, Terrell Owens and Randy Moss. Terrell, let's start with you.
TERRELL OWENS: Well, Craig...I love me some me and hate you some you. Anyway, I am here to pull for my boy Skippy.
SAGER: Your boy?
OWENS: Yeah, man...he wrote an article ripping McNabb and talking about how fat Andy Reid is...man, I love me some Bayless, baby!
SAGER: T.O., let's talk about your agent, Drew Rosenhaus...the igniter in all this. Where's Drew tonight?
[Suddenly, several people are thrown from the stands as Rosenhaus comes bounding out of the stands screaming and ranting]
DREW ROSENHAUS: Yo, yo Craig...we love the Eagles...T.O. has said the whole time he just wants to get paid, and that he doesn't care where that happens. He has a standard playing fee of $20 million a year and we expect the Eagles to honor his first contract by tearing it up and writing him a new one. That's ALL we asked, ok?
SAGER: Sure, Drew. Let's switch over to randy Moss, now an Oakland Raider... Randy, what do you think abnout tonight's match-up? Randy...? What's that burning smell?
[Sager looks down to see Moss sitting on the ground Indian style smoking a bong with Matthew McGonaughey]
SAGER: I guess that answers my next question about how much weed you are smoking.
MOSS: Yo, man...Matthew and I are really hungry. Can you get us some Dorito's and ding dongs? That would be great.
ROSENHAUS: [Hands Randy Moss a bag of dorito's and 50 bucks.] Hey Randy...Drew Rosenhaus here...I hope your agent is really doing his job for you and getting you the best kind of weed. Also, how does your agent live with himself considerring how underpaid you are? What's up with that? Why is Al just raping you by only having you be the SECOND highest paid wide receiver? How would you like to be #1?
[Owens glares at Drew]
MOSS: I just want to go to sleep, man...I am tired.
SAGER: Well, this is breaking down quickly...Jim, back over to you!
GRAY: I am here, surprisingly, with Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, Hillary Duff & Lindsay Lohan. Paris, let's start with you...I thought you & Nicole hated one another?
PARIS HILTON: [Petting her dog] Jim, we don't hate each other. Hell, we just had sex in the limo, silly Jimmy. Besides, we are here to promote "The Simple Life 3". It's hott.
NICOLE RICHIE: Actually, Jimmy, we hate each other but it's cool...we like heard there was gonna be a party and wanted to meet some boys, of course!
GRAY: How about you, Lindsay...I know you and Hillary Duff really hate one another. Why are you here together?
LINDSAY LOHAN: Like I am sooo not here with Hillary! I mean, look how successful I am...Herbie, my SNL appearances...I don't need this trashy knock off. Paris invited her for some reason. What a slut.
GRAY: Hillary, a reprisal?
HILLARY DUFF: Wow...that's quite a statement coming from Lindsay, considering she was talking about how she wanted to come to Bristol tonight and blow both Skippy Bayless and you, Jimmy.
GRAY: Lindsay, is this true? Do you want to blow me?
LOHAN: Uh...NO...that was Mary-Kate & Ashley who said they wanted to blow Jimmy.
(all of a sudden, Mary-Kate and Ashley OIsen come bounding out of the stands).
MARY-KATE AND ASHLEY OLSEN: (in unison) Lindsay, you ho bag...you are such a slut and a liar! (Ashley)...and by the way, Lindsay...Mary-Kate blew Wilmer the oither night at Brad Pitt's party!!! Ha.
GRAY: Uh...Craig, let's send it back to you...things have really broken down here. I believe you have the last interview of the night?
SAGER: Yes, Jim...before we get started with tonight's match-up, we wanted to catch up with now former ESPN uber-Producer, Mark Shapiro and Washington redskins diminutive Owner, Daniel Snyder. Mark, talk about the decision to leave ESPN...did it have anything to do w/ the absolute hatred of ESPN fans in general as expressed through this tournament or the utter failure of your out of the bnox shjows like "Quite Frankly" and "Rome is Itching"?
MARK SHAPIRO, FORMER ESPN UBER-PRODUCER: Craig, I am so excited about tonight's match between Skip Bayless and my personal hero, Stuart scott. This is the culmination, tonight of all of my hard work and I am grateful to see these two class acts go at it as my last act and in my last days as the VP or Programming at ESPN.
SAGER: Daniel, what played into your decision into hiring Mark Shapiro considering what a lightning rod of controversy he is?
DANIEL SNYDER, WASHINGTON REDSKINS OWNER: Well, Craig, we are looking for some more outside the box ideas to help make the Redskins as successful and well known as ESPN. For example, among some of Mark's ideas is a reality talk show for Lavar Arrington, a talent contest hosted by Patrick Ramsey and Chris Samuels, plus a road trip show hosted by our newest Skin, Santana Moss. We are very excited about what Mark brings to the Redskins. Plus, I just helped end America's long national nightmare.
SAGER: Well, Daniel, we're all grateful to you for that. Thank you both and maybe you both be struck by lightning or captured by North Korean nationals. Verne, Bob, back to you for the START of our finals match-up tonight... The 2 seeded Skip Bayless battling the 1 seed, Stuart Scott.
-- Alex R.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 03:49 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack
August 27, 2005
On the red carpet...
VERNE LUNDQUIST: "Welcome to the brand new ESPNZone/Bristol Sports Arena here in dull, godforsaken Bristol, Connecticut for the site of the first ever "The Road from Bristol" championship! I'm Verne Lundquist along with Bob Costas, and Bob, this is a a surreal night...ESPN will say goodbye tonight to not just one sports offender, but two, as Mark Shapiro officially announces his decision tonight to join the front office of Daniel Snyder and the Washington Redskins in Washington, D.C."
VERNE LUNDQUIST: "Thanks Bob, that was almost as long winded as I expected. Right now, Bob, we go to our sideline reporters tonight...Jim Gray & Craig Sager...who will be talking to the various celebrities of sports, stage, and screen in attendence for tonight's big game. Jim?
JIM GRAY: "Thanks Verne, Bob... I am here with Los Angeles Lakers guard Kobe Bryant and his head coach Phil Jackson to get their take on tonight's match. Kobe, let's OF COURSE start with you!
KOBE BRYANT: Actually Jim, I just came over to ask if you'd stop calling me on my cell phone. You left 23 messages the other night and Vanessa got really upset. I appreciate the support but this has to stop.
PHIL JACKSON: Jim, perhaps if you came with me on a spiritual retreat to the Mojave Desert that I am planning to take with Ricky Williams and Shirley Maclaine next week, where we will dance around in robes chanting the theme from "The Golden Girls". This might lead to an enlightening of your soul and perhaps, less obssession with my star player... interested?
GRAY: Can we talk about the match up tonight?
PHIL JACKSON: Jimmy, here's my number... Ricky, Shirley and I leave on Tuesday around 3:00 pm. We will be in the Black Hummer. Pack lightly.
GRAY: Craig, over to you.
CRAIG SAGER: Thanks Jim... I am here with Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner, who are both rooting on Skip Bayless. Bennifer II... any comments?
AFFLECK: Bennifer II? What the hell is that, Sager? And what's up with the red suit jacket... you do realize you're like 80 and people think you're a dork, right? Tell him, J-Lo.
[Garner glares at Ben]
AFFLECK: uh...did I say J-Lo?... I mean... J-Garn... so confusing, the same name and all... hey, I see Matt Damon and Kevin Smith... let's go honey and say hi!!!
SAGER: Back over to Jim!
GRAY: I am now joined Hollywood activists Michael Moore, Sean Penn & Janene Garofalo. How are all of you doing?
SEAN PENN: Jim...I am disturbed by this situation tonight and Michael and Janene have agreed to join me in peaceful protest and maybe also a little hard drinking later, right guys? [smiles] -- [back to serious] Anyway, I am disturbed that these two jokers... Mac & Alex would create a whole tournament around hating people. There's not enough love in this world... for example... have any of us hugged a terrorist lately? Well, Janene, Michael & I have started a foundation called "Hug a Terrorist Foundation" which lives by the basic principle that if we all reach out and hug a terrorist, they will put down their weapons and stop killing us. We are here tonight to spread this message. Jim, would you like a t-shirt and to make a $2 donation in the name of love?
GRAY: Can I make a donation in the name of Kobe Bryant? By the way, do you have an opinion on who will win?
MICHAEL MOORE: TONIGHT IS A SHAM, JIM GRAY! THERE HAS BEEN STUFFING OF BALLOT BOXES FOR SKIP BAYLESS FROM THE STATE OF FLORIDA AND I AM PERSONALLY HERE TO OVERSEE THAT STUART SCOTT HAS A FAIR CHANCE TO WIN!
GAROFOLO: Right on, Mikey!
GRAY: Uh, back to you, Craig.
SAGER: I am here with former Washington Bullets center, Gheorge Muresan. Gheorge, tell us how you're feeling?
MURESAN: I loooooooveeeeee thiiiiisssssssssss gggggaaaaaaammmmmmeeeeee.
SAGER: That was beautiful, Gheorge. Jim?
GRAY: I'm here with the King of Pop himself, Michael Jackson, and his former friend Macauley Culkin. First, Michael, since the jury was clearly a fan of "Billie Jean" and that being the reason you got off scot-free, do you feel bad about what you did to those families? And who do you like in the match-up.
MICHAEL JACKSON: Well, Jim, I just want to say how much I love EVERYONE, especially the children, and I thank God every day I am free. The jury also really liked, "Bad" from what I was told. In tonight's magtch-up, I really like Skip Bayless because he's more evil then me.
GRAY: Macauley, you are now grown up so why do you have interest in hanging out with Michael and what possible interest could he actually have in you?
MACAULEY CULKIN: (slaps hands on his cheeks) AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! What the hell am I doing still hanging out with this creep? Actually make it TWO creeps since you're standing here Gray...anyway, Stuart Scott is a friend of mine so I am rooting him on to keep his job. Go Bayless.
GRAY: Craig...your turn in this freakfest.
SAGER: Before we go to break, I am here with Joan and Melissa Rivers to delve more into the style and looks of the two participants. Hello Joan and Melissa!
JOAN RIVERS: Oy vey...what's up with the red suit jacket? It's like one of Cher's veins exploded or something. You look HORRIBLE. And what's up with the Ken Doll hair? My God!
Now onto the guys we're here to see...Skip Bayless also needs to do something with his. What's up with all the Ken doll haircuts around here? And stop blowing out your chest there, Pederman. Please...what do you have to be so proud about? I mean, nobody likes you, they think you're the devil and your writing sucks. And 'Cold Pizza'-bleh (fake spits twice). May you burn from a thousand suns.
And Stuart Scott... My GAWD, what is wrong with your eye? I feel like you are permanently looking down my dress. Hollywood doesn't want to see with that thing. Hey... I think George Romero is still casting for 'Land of the Dead'.
SAGER: Melissa...what do you think?
-- Alex R.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 12:28 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
August 22, 2005
SportsCentury And Beyond: Stephen A. Smith
[SportsCentury theme]
CHRIS FOWLER: Hello, I'm Chris Fowler. Not too long ago, few outside Philadelphia had ever heard of Stephen A. Smith. Now, he's a ubiquitous presence on our televisions, our radios, and our lives. Many ask: Who is Stephen A. Smith? What's his problem? Why is he yelling at us?
MATT: ESPN and the media at large have given Smith an amount of influence that far outweighs his ability. His yelling and carrying on is not journalism or even entertainment; it's proof that he needs to be fitted for paper slippers.
FOWLER: Stephen Anthony Smith was born in New York in 1968. From the beginning, the most important organ in his body was his mouth.
FELICIA SMITH, MOTHER: Stephen was always small for his age. I guess it's partially my fault, but he was so busy yelling and screaming all the time that he couldn't shut up long enough to eat.
STEPHEN A. SMITH: These days I don't even bother to eat. I get all of my nutrition through an IV!
DAVID: I swear this guy's on steroids. He's screaming 24/7 and he's always so tensed up and I swear I have never seen this guy laugh or crack a smile. He's on the juice no doubt about it.
FOWLER: Stephen grew up in a nurturing environment in Queens. However, his effusive nature got the better of him.
JANET: One day, I don't know how, he got up on the roof. He was pretending to be Walt Frazier and he tried a crossover move and fell off.
FOWLER: Luckily, no bones were broken, as he hit his head, the hardest part of his body. However, there were consequences.
STEPHEN: Ever since that day I haven't been able to control the volume of my voice!
PHIL: Even if he vowed to never speak another word above a whisper again in his miserable life -- from my keyboard to God's ears, I hope -- I'd still have to vote for Stephen A. Smith for popularizing the newest dance craze that's sweeping the nation -- the Jackass Shuffle.
FOWLER: In classes, Stephen was such a disruptive presence that special measures had to be taken.
ANNE ROGERS, HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER: We all knew that Stephen had some sort of problem with his mouth, but it wasn't fair to the other students. Finally, we locked him in an empty room and taught him through an audio feed. A one-way audio feed.
STEPHEN: I was still loud enough that the teachers were able to hear all of my questions and answers! Ha ha ha!
FOWLER: Stephen took to basketball from an early age. But basketball didn't take to Stephen.
ANTOINE COLES, HIGH SCHOOL TEAMMATE: Man, I know you expect some talking on the court. But Steve just wouldn't shut up at all, and it's really hard to play when your teammate is yelling in your ear the whole time. We finally got coach to bench him.
MIKE WALLACE, COACH: Man, that was a mistake. "Put me in coach, put me in, put me in." Finally I put him in and left him in, I couldn't take sitting next to him any more.
FOWLER: Playing all 32 minutes a game, Stephen soon developed a jump shot but also the knowledge that he could get anything he wanted if he was loud enough. When we return, Stephen goes south.
[COMMERCIALS]
FOWLER: As a joke, his high school coach recommended Stephen to legendary coach Clarence "Big House" Gaines at Winston-Salem State.
GAINES: I'll get him for that someday.
FOWLER: Stephen was an adequate player but Gaines thought him more trouble than he was worth. To the relief of the entire team, Stephen eventually blew out his knee, ending his career.
STEPHEN: I wanted to rehab but the doctors all said that it wasn't worth it. I later found out that all of my teammates paid them to say that!
FOWLER: Searching for a new direction, Stephen soon had an insight.
STEPHEN: I thought, "Everybody says I know how to talk. I'll do television!"
MIKE O.: In a better world, Smith would be lucky to host a radio show in Hicksville, Ohio.
FOWLER: However, television jobs are hard to come by. Stephen needed an in. Soon, a professor would give him an idea.
WALTER BARMAN, WRITING PROFESSOR: I told him that he was a born sportswriter... I meant that as an insult.
FOWLER: Stephen didn't take it that way. Soon, he was working for the Winston-Salem Journal.
KEVIN GRIMES, JOURNAL SPORTS EDITOR: This guy limps into my office, starts yelling, and won't leave until I give him a job. So I called security. But he kept coming back in and eventually it was easier to pay him than to get a restraining order. I had him cover soccer, because it was the lowest sport on the totem pole.
STEPHEN: I know nothing about soccer!
FOWLER: While people didn't like Stephen's work that much, his "attitude" soon got him recognition. He moved to other papers in the southeast, then eventually to the New York Daily News. In 1994, the Philadelphia Inquirer hired him to cover Temple football, which soon angered Temple's most famous alumnus.
BILL COSBY, TEMPLE, 1971: These young sportswriters today with the suits and the yelling and the going on television...
FOWLER: Cosby's repeated letters to the editor did not receive the desired result. Simply to annoy Cosby, the editors promoted Stephen and gave him a more prominent role. When a spot for a columnist opened up, Stephen was ready to pounce, badgering his editor into giving him the job.
JIM JENKS, INQUIRER SPORTS EDITOR: He's a columnist because he has the loudest voice.
CHRIS: Even his column in The Philadelphia Inquirer is loud. And pointless. You can practically hear the inanity screaming at you from the mailbox.
FOWLER: When we return, television beckons.
[COMMERCIALS]
FOWLER: In 1999, Stephen was reportedly hired by a sports network called "CNN/SI", though no record of this network now exists.
AZNEMESIS: God, if only cnnsi had survived, maybe he'd still be in exile there, and David Aldridge would be giving us intelligent NBA commentary on ESPN.
NEWTON: Somebody should have been shot for placing him on TV.
FOWLER: In 2000, he moved to Fox Sports.
TOM ARNOLD, FOX SPORTS, 2001-04: I wanted to have him on "The Best Damn Sports Show Period" because I'm really into irony. I wanted to know if I could make the show as bad as possible while giving it that name. I think I succeeded. And I know a lot of people find Steve annoying, but I found him refreshing. Of course, I used to be married to Roseanne.
FOWLER: An even bigger break would come in summer of 2003.
MARK SHAPIRO, FORMER EXEC VP, ESPN: I was doing some blow in the bathroom at the Espys with Tom Arnold, and his cell phone goes off. Even from across the room, I could hear that voice loud and clear, and I knew I had to hire its owner.
ADAM: Why in the hell is Stephen A. on TV? Because he's a mediocre writer who yells a lot and throws out outrageous ideas to hide his lack of knowledge? What the hell ESPN?
FOWLER: Stephen was hired by ESPN as an NBA analyst, as the network took over NBA coverage under a new contract.
SHAPIRO: My theory is that you should hire people whom the viewers would notice. You can get really good people, I guess, but they're rare and expensive, so I concentrate on hiring annoying people.
STEPHEN: I wasn't sure what ESPN wanted, but Shapiro told me to just be myself. [cries] Nobody ever said that to me before!
FOWLER: Stephen achieved Shapiro's desired result. Everywhere, NBA fans were complaining about ESPN's coverage, and Stephen in particular. Shapiro knew he had what he wanted.
SHAPIRO: Stephen was so annoying that everyone was talking about our coverage. I knew I couldn't sit still, and I had to make an aggressive move.
SHARON: It boggles the mind to think that ESPN higher-ups could listen to him speak for 5 minutes and decide that we need MORE of this guy.
FOWLER: Shapiro wanted to expand Stephen's presence on the network. To do that, someone had to go. He chose ESPN's longtime and well-respected basketball reporter David Aldridge.
SHAPIRO: Sure, he was good, but he wasn't in my face!
PAT: ESPN's NBA coverage was pretty bad before Smith came on, but to replace the only competent commentator with.....that? He also plays the race card and mocks European players' names in the same rant. What a bastard.
DAVID ALDRIDGE, TNT: Mark my words, I will have my revenge.
FOWLER: Smith also began taking part in the famous "Old School/Nu Skool" segments on SportsCenter with Skip Bayless.
SKIP BAYLESS, PANDEMONIUM: Sure, he beats me on a regular basis, but could he beat Lincoln or Douglas? No way.
STEPHEN: I'm just louder!
J. RAUCH: I had the misfortune of turning on the ALLTERRELLOWENSALLTHETIME-Center on Sunday morning right when these two were going to discuss the most talked about story in sports. I thought my head was going to explode.
MATT: Among the endless parade of eardrum-battering shriekers ESPN inflicts upon us, he's right there with Paige as the most obnoxious.
FOWLER: When we return, Stephen talks frankly.
[COMMERCIALS]
FOWLER: After another year of NBA coverage, Shapiro wanted to make Smith even more of a presence on the network. The solution: Stephen's own show, daily, on ESPN2.
CULT OF BASEBALL: The reach of Screamin' A has been spreading more insidiously than the post-war communist plot to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.
ANDY: For some inexplicable reason SAS is now one of the main head's of ESPN's evil hydra (Scott, Berman, Vitale, SAS) that is intent of dragging down a network that actually used to give you highlights. ATH and it's brethren are avoidable, particularly if you work during the day, but between those 4 guys there is no escape at night and at big sporting events.
SHAPIRO: At first, I wanted to make it two hours a day, but I was talked down to one. If I'd stayed on, it would have gone to ninety minutes next year.
FOWLER: At first, many thought "Quite Frankly with Stephen A. Smith" must be a joke.
JMONEY: ESPN gave that hunchbacked, Tourette's afflicted, mutant toad his own show? Come on.
FOWLER: But soon, promos were running. This show was actually going to air!
STEPHEN: I knew that I had to say something controversial in the promos, so I said that the New England Patriots are a good team!
TOM BRADY, QB, NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS: Really, Stephen A. Smith thinks we're good? Wow, thank him for me. The three Super Bowl titles in the last four years really weren't enough.
DJCOLTS: I really hate Stephen A.'s promos for Quite Frankly - especially that idiotic little dance he does and the lack of content in them (Gee, the Patriots are good? No Way! Gee, the Lakers aren't going to win the title next year even with Phil Jackson back? No Way! Thanks, Mr. Obvious!).
FOWLER: Also added to the campaign was a glimpse of Smith's dancing skills.
STEPHEN: I am a demon on the dance floor. And that video isn't enhanced at all! I can walk in slow motion!
TODD: I love the part in SAS commercial when he pretends to point to the billboard, and looks at the camera all tough or something. Completely demonstrates what a total tool SAS is. He thinks he does great things when in actuality there's nothing worth pointing to.
JENNY: I was going to watch "Quite Frankly" last night to see what I thought, then realized that the commercial told me all I needed to know. That dance he does makes me want to throw a brick through the screen... Stephen A. Smith is dumb, incoherent, and arrogant as hell. There is nothing I hate more than an arrogant person.
FOWLER: "Quite Frankly" opened to mediocre ratings. But Smith is confident in his eventual success. What's next for Stephen A. Smith? Mark Shapiro has moved on, but is already said to be planning "Stephen A. Smith: The Ride" for an amusement park. A fully automated Stephen A. Smith channel, airing 24 hours a day, is said to be in the works. And an operation may clear up his volume problem.
For SportsCentury, I'm Chris Fowler.
-- Mac T.
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance between this work and any events or persons, living or dead, save for the purposes of parody, is coincidental.
Don't vote in this entry. Voting for Smith vs. Bayless starts Tuesday.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 10:01 AM | Comments (15) | TrackBack
August 21, 2005
SportsCentury And Beyond: Tony "Stat Boy" Reali
(SportsCentury intro)
CHRIS FOWLER: I'm Chris Fowler and welcome back to SportsCentury. Over the years, there have been many surprises as to who would become the next 'it' guy at ESPN... the next person to hit it big and suddenly be all over our TV screens. Perhaps none are as undeserving as Tony "Stat Boy" Reali, the host of the wildly unpopular "Around the Horn", as well as the role of Tonto to Tony Kornheiser and Michael Wilbon's Lone Ranger. From his birth in Staten Island, New York in 1978, to his youth at the Christian Brothers Academy in Lincroft, New Jersey, Reali has always seen himself a "playa", but after leaving home in New Jersey, "Stat Boy" found a rocky road to success here at ESPN.
JENNY: How this no-talent company whore got his own show is beyond me, since his only redeeming quality seems to be the ability to put Woody Paige on mute (which is actually pretty redeeming, but still not enough). He thinks he's a big, hot man now (Tony, I am a 17-year-old girl and I will tell you right now that you are a greasy little shitface), leading me to proclaim that Tony Reali is the poster child for a complete ban on Italian immigration for the next century.
CHRIS FOWLER: Staten Island, New York on a hot summer day in 1978.
ANGELA REALI, MOTHER: Tony's father was los-ah. Vic 'The Finger' Reali was a capo in the Gambino crime family and was constantly bringing guns, whores and laundered money into the house. I was like, "yo, Vic, lil' Tony is trying to get some of my breast here, can you keep the noise down with da' whores? Anyway, Vic then beat the crap outta me and I took Tony and his sister Mary Theresa and his other sister, Mary Angela and we left to stay with my cousins in Lincroft, New Jersey.
TONY REALI: I don't remember my fadda too much. I just remember one time when I was a kid seeing "Goodfellas" and my mom said that the movie was like real life used to be for her. She was like Lorraine Bracco in that movie married to Ray Liotta; I thought... "cool... can I meet dad and be like him?" She then smacked me upside the head and that night, my uncles Luigi and Nicky took me to my very first Yankees game.
FOWLER: But despite his mother's fierce love for her son, and the family's desperate protection of little Tony from his criminal father in New York and his crime family, the mix of sports & crime was very confusing and also very powerful for little Tony Reali. However, the one thing that trumped both crime & sports... the love of STATS. Hence his nickname in the schoolyard of "Stat Boy".
TEACHERREFPOET: He was the guy who told the starting QB what to do, so the athletes hated him. But then, he was too mean to hang with the nerds, too eager-to-be-liked to be a rebel... Nobody liked him. So he spends his life telling people "you're wrong" and "shut up."
MIKEY PALMEIRI, CHILDHOOD BULLY: Yeah, one day we saw Tony in the schoolyard sitting by a tree with a sports section counting Baseball statistics and we thought it was like the gayest thing we'd ever seen. So me and my boys, Chad Laranza & Jimmy Altieri, we beat little Tony within an inch of his life and sent him to the hospital. After that, we affectionately called him Stat Boy. What a los-ah.
PAT: Humorous though it may be to see him get so many of his "corrections" incorrect on PTI, the guy seems to take himself entirely too seriously while being a total jackass. He is therefore deserving of all the punchings/beatings/maulings that others have suggested.
ANGELA REALI, MOTHER: I was so scared. I didn't have health insurance and little Tony was in ICU for three straight days. His sisters read him Yankee statistics from the New York Times but it seemed like nothing was going to work. That's when a miracle happened... Tony's HERO Dick Vitale came on TV covering that March Madness thing and when he started screaming, Tony's eyes opened.
DICK VITALE: TONY REALI... AKA STAT BOY, STAT MAN... WHAT A PTP'ER, BABY! WHEN HE CAME TO BRISTOL THE FIRST TIME AND TOLD ME THAT I HELPED HIM WAKE UP FROM A COMA WHEN HE WAS TEN...WHAT AN INSPIRATION, BABY!!! OH MY GOD... I IMMEDIATELY CALLED MY FRIENDS COACH K AND DEAN SMITH AND THEY WERE SO TOUCHED. LITTLE TONY REALI HAD TOUCHED OUR HEARTS.
TONY REALI: I loved Dicky V... and between my love for numbers and my love for da Yankees, I knew I had to get on ESPN one day. It was my dream. And besides my love of Dicky V, my boyhood hero was absolutely Donny Baseball.
DON MATTINGLY: Tony used to come to Yankee Stadium all the time and unlike the other kids who wanted my autograph, he asked me to call him Stat Boy and wanted to talk about my on base percentage. Frankly, I thought he was bit creepy and for a kid who had been beaten senseless, he sure was cocky & arrogant.
MIKE: Reali is simply a no-talent punk. I don't begrudge people who are in the right place at the right time. I do begrudge them when they have that look of smugness on their face. Reali is the non-presidential embodiment of the line "born on third, he thinks he got a triple."
COMMERCIALS
CHRIS FOWLER: The question to ask was, 'is Tony Stat Boy Reali a survivor'? For a while it seemed like he knew what his future plans were. But somewhere along the way, his plans got derailed.
TONY'S SISTER, MARY ANGELA: Tony was okay until he was fifteen or so, when the pain from the constant beatings made him turn to drugs.
ANGELA REALI: I finally kicked that little weasel out for using in the house.
CHRIS FOWLER: After Tony's mother kicked him out of the house for using, Tony turned to the mean streets of New York to help his habit along. It was there that Tony befriended a pimp named Marcus Jackson who would bring Tony's life to a screeching halt.
[COMMERCIALS]
LINDA COHN: When I had heard the stories that Stat Boy was a street hustler, I couldn't believe it. At first I felt great sadness for his life but then I thought about my home life and how busy my husband always is with those late nights in the city with his 22 year old Secretary, Ginger, and I wondered if Tony would consider an employee discount for me? I mean, after all, we were colleagues now and when he was an Intern, I certainly never made him go back 3 times in one day to Starbucks like Wilbon and Kornheiser.
CHRIS FOWLER: Marcus Jackson, aka 'New York Nasty', was a 25 year old pimp, born and raised in Harlem when he befriended Reali on the streets of New York, as Reali had been trying to score some coke. Jackson became fascinated by Reali's love of Baseball stats and was also a huge Mattingly fan like Stat Boy. Jackson decided he would take Reali under his wing and teach him the ropes. He figured he could use a kid like him.
REALI: I remember thinking that New York Nasty was my new hero. He said all the right things, he was smooth... a real 'playa'. I won't talk about the things I did with him in the first year, but needless to say that after a few months with Marcus, I became open to hustling men & women. I needed the money to support my drug habits.
DAVID: What a wanka.
MARK SHAPIRO, VP OF PROGRAMMING, ESPN CORPORATE: I will never forget the day... August 15th, 1997. I was in my limo with Boomer, and we had just gone on a binge at the Plaza with Danny, Linda & Pat Riley and we were headed back to Bristol when I saw this young, slick looking Italian kid trying to hustle an older couple for money, sex... who knows. Anyway, I was fascinated with his 'wanna be a playa' look & attitude and with the rise of Stu Scott at the network, this is exactly the kind of NEW face I wanted out there for ESPN.
REALI: So Shapiro and Berman come rollin' up in this phat white limo, just unreal... and I thought, these guys were loaded...a real cash cow opportunity. Plus, I knew Marcus was watching from across the street so I was looking for the biggest score of my lifetime. Anyway, i peer in the limo and I see this overweight, sweaty, familiar face and low & behold, it's Chris freaking Berman. I flashed back to childhood and remembered my dream of being on ESPN and maybe one day, doing stats. My life changed.
CHRIS BERMAN: I will never forget the first time I met Tony Reality "TV" or Tony "n Tina" Reali... Mark (Shapiro) invites him inside the limo and all of a sudden, we hear shots firing. Reali starts screaming "Oh my God, it's Marcus, it's Marcus" -- Reali's pimp -- and Mark bangs his half empty scotch bottle on the window and tells the limo driver to make a break for it. That was the day ESPN met Tony "Stat Boy" Reali.
TODD: Before he became statboy, Tony was known as whoreboy - the man who gave Mark Shapiro hand jobs behind the dumpster at Bristol. He was given a job in PTI just to keep him close to the dumpster without security getting suspcious. When Max left ATH Shapiro needed someone whose natural talents could allow them to work four joysticks in an up and down motion all the while getting yelled at. Thus Stat boy was given a new line of work. the rest was as Shapiro would lead us to believe, television magic. . .
[COMMERCIALS]
CHRIS FOWLER: Mark Shapiro and Chris Berman may have saved Tony Reali from the mean streets of New York City, but life was not immediately easy for this kid from Clifton, New Jersey. Reali had to prove himself as an intern and writer and in 2000, he got his first real break at ESPN after 2 1/2 years of fetching coffee: writing for ESPN's "2 minute drill".
REALI: We all gotta start somewhere but it was my love of getting things right and also being a total wise-ass that garnered me attention while writing "2 Minute Drill". The following Summer, Shapiro announced a new program would begin appearing in the Fall of 2001 called "Pardon the Interruption". Mark wanted me to be the sidekick on the show for Wilbon & Kornheiser, but that too was not an easy road.
JEREMY MILLER, GROWING PAINS: I received a call from several executives at ESPN who were interested me in the role of 'Stat Boy', a wise-ass sidekick to Tony Kornheiser and Michael Wilbon on "Pardon The Interruption". I was so excited... this was going to be my first break since "growing Pains" had ended and was desperate for the work. I mean, I had been cut down to three shifts a week at the Santa Monica Pottery Barn and really needed the money.
TONY REALI: What I did to Jeremy Miller shows me to be a true playa in the business but it also was another low point for me. However, I got the job of Stat Boy and have never looked back.
WILL: How he managed to get himself on TV is beyond me - he seems more suited for Reality (sorry about the pun in there) TV or Stupid Human Tricks or something like that.
FOWLER: On August 2nd, 2001, Jeremy Miller indeed called into ESPN to set up his interview with the higher ups at the network. Little did he know that when he called the cable sports giant, he reached none other than Tony Reali.
MILLER: So Reali tells me the location of the interview has changed to 98th Street in Harlem at this old warehouse. I thought it was kinda strange but I didn't think anything of it. Anyway, I drove down in my new Tercel and proceeded to get jumped by several gang members. They beat me, took my wallet and clothes and car and I was left for naked and dead in the middle of Harlem. Needless to say, I never made the interview and Tony Reali became Stat Boy.
REALI: Hey, Jeremy, don't hate the playa, hate the game... I played you and I am the prince of ESPN.
COLIN HESSE: This is a man who is, quite honestly, the worst analyst/poser I have ever seen. I know people like him, who have that same arrogant smirk plastered on their face, who continually talk down to people, and who accepts Woody Paige's ramblings as pure gold.
JOEY T: Reali isn't funny. He isn't smart. He isn't articulate, nor is he creative... Reali has no skill at all.
MICHAEL WILBON, CO-HOST, PARDON THE INTERRUPTION: Truth be told, I was a huge "Growing Pains" fan and was excited to work with Ben Seaver of all people! Not to mention that Alan Thicke was a personal friend of mine so Reali created a real mess. It's ancient history now but I still think back and wonder what the show could have done with Jeremy Miller in the role of Stat Boy.
TIM: I am still at a loss to discern how in the world he got his position.
MIKE O: I simply have no idea how Reali got the 'job' as Stat-Boy, and has somehow parlayed it into a regular hosting job on an incredibly gimpy show. He seems absolutely talentless.
[COMMERCIALS]
FOWLER: Tony now made an even more dramatic move.
MAX KELLERMAN: If it wasn't bad enough that Reali screwed my boy, Jeremy Miller, then that little Italian Kid from New York claimed to be my 'boy', then he turned around and screwed me... He got me fired from "Around the Horn" and took that job, as well.
ALEX: Kellerman was a clown, but at least he knows something about boxing. I've yet to see any evidence that Stat Boy knows anything about anything.
WOODY PAIGE: YES... IT WAS A SHOCK TO ALL OF US WHEN MAX LEFT 'AROUND THE HORN'. I ASKED SHAPIRO WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON AND WHY THE HELL REALI WAS GOING TO HOST? HE BASICALLY CONFIDED IN ME THAT KELLERMAN HAD SLEPT WITH HIS DAUGHTER, WHICH TURNED OUT BE ANOTHER LIE SPREAD BY REALI.
JIMBOHANNA: Anyone who can sit there and say "good point Woody Paige" with a straight face and not put a ice pick thru his eye as Paige rambles incoherently is in a class by himself. Why sportswriters would put up with this intern is beyond me.
MARTIN: Somehow ESPN managed to give a show to a guy who's going to be a car salesman in a couple of years.
FOWLER: Apparently that wasn't the only thing spread, according to Reali.
REALI: I may have possibly told Mark that Kellerman gave his daughter Stacy syphilis. In retrospect, that was very very wrong. Very wrong, but look at me now... I am the host of 'Around the Horn' baby so I guess the ends really do justify the means!
JASON: Stat Boy is a preening little bitch.
MARK SHAPIRO: in hindsight, I have come to realize that Reali is a liar and an opportunist... the fact that he came from the streets hustling should have been my first indication. But even after I found out this it was Reali who gave Stacy syphilis, I still find the guy to be exactly the kind of personality we are looking for here at ESPN.
GAVIN: He's tall, awkward, lacks any style, and tries to be funny while talking loudly to a group of morons whose combined sports intelligence rivals my stool.
CHRIS FOWLER: History has shown Tony "Stat Boy" Reali to be a survivor. From his birth as a mob baby, to his days of being savagely beaten on the playground in Clifton, New Jersey, to the days of street hustling, and finally to his weird journey as "Stat Boy" on PTI and eventually, the new permanent host on "Around the Horn", Tony "Stat Boy" Reali remains the kid who saw Donny Baseball at Yankee Stadium, and the kid who one day hopes to be Stat Man.
For SportsCentury, I'm Chris Fowler.
-- Alex R.
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance between this work and any events or persons, living or dead, save for the purposes of parody, is coincidental. If you think this is bad, you should see the unexpurgated version ("Too hot for the web!")
Don't vote in this entry. Voting for Scott vs. Reali starts Monday.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 02:50 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
August 20, 2005
SportsCentury And Beyond: Stuart Scott
[SportsCentury intro]
CHRIS FOWLER: I'm Chris Fowler, and welcome to SportsCentury. Many people have come into our homes through the television over the years, but few have been as pervasive as Stuart Scott. This hard-luck graduate of the University of North Carolina has, through hard work and bootlicking, parlayed moderate talent into a career as one of the nation's best-known sportscasters.
FOWLER: Stu Scott was born in Chicago in 1968.
NEWTON: Did you know that Stuart Scott's voice is a major cause of mental retardation if listened to by pregnant mothers?
SHEILA SCOTT, MOTHER: I think I knew that there was something different about Stuart from the beginning. All babies cry, but it seemed like he had three or four cries which he would use over and over.
STUART SCOTT: Man, Chicago was cold as the other side of the pillow at the North Pole. So we moved to North Carolina. Peace!
FOWLER: In North Carolina, Stu would face many challenges.
DAN: Let me run a bit by you that lets you in on a little bit about the credibility of this faux-soul brother. On his appearances on VH1's "I Love The 80s," he fessed up that his sister grew up loving Barry Manilow. Now, call me crazy, but this shows how un-street Stuey's upbringing is: I've never heard any Barry Manilow in the 'hood.
SHEILA: I told him not to make faces, that it would get stuck like that. He never listened.
FOWLER: It did get stuck like that. However, Stuart would soon meet someone who would have a special place in his heart for all his life.
MICHAEL JORDAN: I was playing pickup ball, just me and some of the guys. Suddenly, this weird-looking little kid started imitating my moves, or trying to, and when the game was over he followed me home. Dad had to chase him off with a broom, but he kept coming back.
STUART: Yo, me and Mike, we tight.
FOWLER: Stu had troubles in high school.
MAY JOHNSON, SCHOOLTEACHER: Stuart was actually fairly bright, as far as I can tell, but he was a real troublemaker. I'm used to some rowdy students, but he was the only one I know who mostly did the same six things over and over.
GREG JONES, FRIEND: Stu had troubles with girls, too. He'd always go up to them, all confident, but as soon as they got a glimpse of that crazy eye of his they'd all laugh. Or throw up.
STUART: Playa please! All the girls, they wanted a piece of this. Word!
FOWLER: When we come back, the Scotts get cable, and Stuart finds his calling.
[COMMERCIALS]
FOWLER: In 1982, the seventeen-year-old Stuart's life would be changed as his family got cable television for the first time, and Stu would find his role model.
BERMAN: I'm his role model? I'm sorry, I have to go, I have to think some things over.
STUART: I saw Chris on TV, doing his thing, making up nicknames, and I knew that was what I wanted to do. My first catchphrase was something my baby sister used to call me.
SKIP: "Booyah." A man defined by a word that is not even a real word must be stopped in our lifetime.
JONES: I told him, look at SportsCenter, you see anybody who looks like you on there? No, I wasn't talking about race, I was talking about the eye thing.
STUART: Don't hate the playa, hate the game.
BILLT: I don't hate the playa. I just hate you, fuckface.
FOWLER: Stuart enrolled at the University of North Carolina in fall of 1983, and studied speech communications.
MATT: We get it Stu, you went to North Carolina and Michael Jordan went there, too.
WAYNE CARVER, PROFESSOR: Stuart was mostly interested in gimmicks, actually. He figured that there were thousands of communications students out there and only a few really good jobs. I told him talent and professionalism would win out, but he was sure that the way to go was to find a schtick and work it hard. I didn't think that would work... Shows what I know.
FOWLER: After graduating in 1987, Stuart worked a string of jobs in the southeast, reporting the news in Florence, SC and Raleigh. In 1990, he became a sports reporter in Orlando. But in 1993, he would get his big break.
KEITH OLBERMANN: ESPN was launching ESPN2, and the lead program was going to be "SportsNight", with me and Suzy Kolber. My god, what was I thinking?
FOWLER: Stuart was hired to do the "SportSmash" highlights segments during the show.
STUART: I knew the Deuce was s'posed to be hip, urban, you know, y'all? So I start throwing stuff in, the catchphrases and the lingo, and soon 'nough, they put me on the anchor desk.
OLBERMANN: "Anchor", like a heavy thing that weighs you down.
FOWLER: While "SportsNight" was obviously doomed, Scott's star was rising. More when we return.
[COMMERCIALS]
FOWLER: Stu Scott's work on the dying ESPN2 show "SportsNight" was getting him attention. One of those paying attention to the network's new star was an ESPN2 assistant producer.
MARK SHAPIRO, EXEC VP, ESPN: I saw this guy, energetic, polarizing, and I knew that if one day I ran a network, I'd put him on it. Constantly. In everything.
FOWLER: "SportsNight" was soon cancelled, but Stuart, as always, landed on his feet, working the late night "SportsCenter" with Rich Eisen.
RICH EISEN, ESPN 1996-2003: Stu's a nice guy, will do anything to help you out, really. It's just that the most dangerous place on Earth is between him and a camera.
BOB: He came in with Eisen and Ravech, who are good sportscasters but Stu is the only one left on Sportscenter....WHY????
EY: I have hated Stuart Scott since the first day his faux-gangster ass appeared on SportsCenter, beginning a painful decline that seems to have no lower bound.
FOWLER: Stuart soon established his own style, which sometimes led to criticism.
STUART: You don't hear anyone describing Rich Eisen as doing his 'Jewish guy-from-Long Island schtick.' Can I get a witness from the congregation?
GERRY MATALON, ESPN PRODUCER: Athletes really dig Stuart. He talks the language of the kids. He brings that attitude. He's opened up a lot of doors.
JORDAN: Sometimes it's nice to have an interviewer lob you softballs, and I can't talk to Ahmad Rashad all the time.
FOWLER: The old guard at "SportsCenter" was leaving. Craig Kilborn and Keith Olbermann left for talk shows on other networks, and Dan Patrick scaled back his involvement. Into their vacancy, a new breed of "SportsCenter" anchor emerged, and Stu Scott would be their leader.
JASON: Essentially, Stuart Scott replaced Keith Olberman. Has there been a worse sequel since The Godfather III?
MIKE O: He is the face of today's E$PN, and he and his ludicrous 'style' have made the network absolutely unwatchable for any but the most simpleminded and drooling.
LINDA COHN, ESPN 1992-PRESENT: I'd been on the show for awhile, and it was nice but I wasn't getting the attention I wanted. I saw Stu was getting traction with that hip-hop stuff, and I started trying that out, though I really don't understand it. Also, I had some work done.
STUART: I don't mind the imitators, dawg. 'Long as I get a cut.
MIKE: When I was in high school and college (1990-98), I rarely missed the Sunday night SportsCenter. In college, I'd watch it 4 times on monday morning, too. It was the unofficial way to cap off a sports week. Stu ruined all that. I haven't watched the Sunday SportsCenter in years. His lame, tired, faux-street cred act is embarassing to watch. He is the living embodiment of all that is wrong with the Worldwide Leader.
FOWLER: In 2002, disaster struck. Stu was hit in the face with a football at New York Jets training camp. He suffered a detached retina. He needed surgery to repair it, but soon was back, more ubiquitous than ever.
STUART: Some people are really surprised when I tell them my eye was always like this. But you gotta be strong. I knew I had to come back even stronger, like I never was away.
FOWLER: When we return, Stuart takes over our dreams.
[COMMERCIALS]
FOWLER: Mark Shapiro, meanwhile, rose to the top at ESPN. Sports was the networks' drawing card, but Shapiro was bored with this, and felt that ESPN needed to find other things to do. Taking a lead from MTV, he knew what this had to be: reality game shows.
LARRY: To think of the days when ESPN filled time not with "ESPN Hollywood," but with Australian Rules Football and other, well, sports. Where have they gone?
SHAPIRO: It's all competition, right? I looked around ESPN, and thought about getting an outside host, but really, there was only one man who could host "Dream Job".
50POUNDHEAD: Scott's voice and approach should be limited to video games about monster truck rallies.
STUART: And the Lord said, 'You got to rise up!
WOODY PAIGE: I WOULD NEVER HAVE GIVEN A PASSING GRADE TO SOMEONE LIKE STUART SCOTT!!!!!
DAVID: If you're a college student, here's a fun Stu Scott game for you: go to a party-- the kind of party where you walk in the door and the host says, "Hey man, jello shots or dynamite keg?" Now, at around 2 AM, strike up a conversation with a really drunken frat boy. I guarantee you he'll be more entertaining and yet also more informative than Scott.
FOWLER: Hosting "Dream Job" was only part of Stuart's duties.
PHIL: Stuart Scott is wreaking havoc on SportsCenter, Stump the Schwab, Teammates, DreamJob, and probably 10,000 other projects conceived in Mark Shapiro's awful fever dreams. And the second: I heard an interview once on the local sports talk radio station with Stu in which he discussed how he came up with catchphrases the way a Nobel laureate might talk about how he invented a new form of rocket fuel.
FOWLER: He hosted "Monday Night Countdown" with Michael Irvin.
STUART: He's a gangsta.
IRVIN: Flarph nangle cokle. Stok tusin reebleprowser! Ha ha!
FOWLER: "Stump The Schwab", with The Schwab.
HOWIE SCHWAB: I still can't believe I'm on TV.
FOWLER: He did sideline reporting at the NBA Finals.
JIM GRAY: I was talking to Kobe earlier, and he thinks that Stuart Scott is a worse sideline reporter than me.
GAVIN: Random NBA sideline bit, "Yo, booyah, talkin' to my g Ben Wallace and was like, bam, how bout that defense and he was all right back at ya, give me a fist bump!"
FOWLER: And movie roles.
LINDSAY LOHAN: Stuart made me laugh when he was on the set. Of course, I was totally wasted.
FOWLER: Even an "ESPN: The Magazine" column.
RIP: Mr Scott's espn the magazine column is written in 20 seconds.
FOWLER: What does the future hold for Stu Scott? Well, Mark Shapiro is gone, but the odds are that ESPN will add more game shows, and more reality shows, and more "original entertainment programming". And Stu Scott will always be there to add his own special je ne sais quois. For "SportsCentury", I'm Chris Fowler.
-- Mac T.
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance between this work and any events or persons, living or dead, save for the purposes of parody, is coincidental.
Don't vote in this entry. Voting for Scott vs. Reali starts Monday.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 12:03 PM | Comments (11) | TrackBack
August 18, 2005
Regional Final Preview: (2) Skip Bayless vs. (5) Jay Mariotti
VOICEOVER (This awful screeching, annoying one): "Welcome to Arounnnnnnd The Horrrrrn... here's your host, TONY REALI."
TONY REALI: "Welcome to 'Around the Horn'... on today's show our panelists discuss the final match-up for the 'Egregious Eight', more arguing on the steroid scandal, take sides on the continuing saga of T.O. & Andy Reid, discuss whether Phil Mickleson is wearing a 'manssiere' on the PGA Tour, whether even a shorts-clad Jessica Simpson could distract the Red Sox and a possible reuniting of Pedro Martinez and his famed midget friend.
But first, here are our panelists, The Chicago Sun Times' Jay Mariotti..."
JAY MARIOTTI: "I get to comment on my own match-up? Oh, this is too good... but watch out Paige... now you won't be able to handle me twice -- HA!"
REALI: J.A. Adande of The Los Angeles Times...
J.A.ADANDE: "Phil Jackson & Kobe Bryant or Skip Bayless and our own Jay Mariotti... hmmm... which really is the more lethal combination?"
REALI: "Also from The Los Angeles Times, Bill Plaschke!"
BILL PLASCHKE: "Oh, Mariotti, Paige isn't the only one who's been waiting to smack you down. And just to help, I brought this ouija board (lifts ouija board) to see if you have a chance in hell against the Bayless juggernaut!"
REALI: And finally, Mariotti's mortal enemy himself, the wood-man, Woody Paige, live from New York..."
WOODY PAIGE: "I AM HERE TO SCREAM, RANT, TESTIFY AND TEAR DOWN MY MORTAL ENEMY, JAY MARIOTTI. HOWEVER, YOU PEOPLE FORGET... I AM ALSO UNIQUELY QUALIFIED TO RIP APART MY 'COLD PIZZA' CO-HORT, SKIP BAYLESS... OH, MAN... THIS IS GONNA BE MORE FUN THAN SHOOTIN' FISH IN A BARREL!"
REALI: "Ok, gentlemen, the first topic of discussion is indeed the 'Egregious Eight' where our very own Jay Mariotti, fresh off his stunning victory over top seed Dick Vitale will try to pull his 2nd stunning upset in a row as he takes on the #2 seed and now-tournament favorite, Skip Bayless. Guys... can our fair-haired Mariotti really defeat the Cold Pizza monster, Skip Bayless? Mariotti... we'll start with you."
MARIOTTI: "Reali... this isn't even a contest. I mean, C'MON... I just took out a #1 seed and tournament favorite, Dick Vitale (+1 point)...I will walk away with this match-up. Skip Bayless is a joke. (-1)"
REALI: "Mariotti... Bayless has just destroyed three opponents in a row."
MARIOTTI: "Whatever, Reali. You're just jealous (-1)"
REALI: "Uh, Mariotti, I also made the 'Egregious Eight'"
WOODY PAIGE: "LOOK, ENOUGH OF THIS CRAP. YOU BOTH ARE IN THE EGREGIOUS 8 BUT MARIOTTI, YOU ARE GOING DOWN. HELL, HALF THE PEOPLE OUT THERE THINK I AM JUST AS OBNOXIOUS AS YOU (+1) AS YOU AND YET I'M ALREADY OUT... PUH-LEASE! PEOPLE ONLY WANT TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE...THAT'S NUTHIN'! I MEAN, AT LEAST 5 PEOPLE HAVE AT LEAST REFERRED TO MY COLD PIZZA BUDDY AS SATAN. (+1)... SATAN EASILY CAN OUT-DISTANCE FACE PUNCHING (+1)."
PLASCHKE: "No contest...I am with the Wood-man on this one, Marriotti. Vitale clearly isn't as hated as we all thought and seeing that no one has even managed double digits against Bayless (+3) so what makes you think you will do any better? You're going down!"
REALI: "Another good point, Plaschke. Adande, last word?"
ADANDE: "Oh please... here in L.A., no one even thought Phil & Kobe could kiss and make up and here they are, together again. If they can get together, and Palmeiro is dumb enough to get caught with steroids and lie directly to Congress, then ANYTHING is possible (+2). My money is on Mariotti to pull the shocking upset. Watch out!"
Posted by Mac Thomason at 08:32 AM | Comments (5) | TrackBack
August 17, 2005
Regional Final Preview: (4) Dan LeBatard vs. (6) Tony Reali
TONY KORNHEISER: "Welcome back to PTI, boys & girls, we spend the next 'five good minutes' with our good friends Richard Justice of the Houston Chronicle and Bob Ryan of The Boston Globe, discussing the 'egregious eight' match-up that hits close to home for Wilbon & me, with my BOY Dan LeBetard facing PTI's own STAT BOY, Tony Reali. Hi Richie, Hi Bobby. Richie, let me start with you... what's your general feeling on this match-up?"
RICHARD JUSTICE: "Well Tony, I was working out with Roger Clemens and Andy Pettitte the other day, shagging fly balls, doing each other's hair, getting ice cream together... and both Roger & Andy were really torn on this match-up. Andy hates LeBatard a lot, he says he has nightmares about him and blames Lebtard for his recent elbow troubles back in New York, while Roger, who mentioned how much he loves the city of Houston and can't imagine playing anywhere else the rest of his life, has a real problem with Reali... Roger confided in me that if Reali came up to bat, he would definitely throw a high strike at his head, at least 98 or 100 miles an hour.
BOB RYAN: "You know guys, I just kept my job losing to Reali and he is one nasty kid. He kept pointing at his crotch and he had a cut out of my last Globe column attached to his pants. it was really horrible! And the kid is soooo ARROGANT... we were playing hoops in this driveway and he bragged about DUNKING on me at this little kiddie hoop? As for LeBatard, I don't like thr guy. I mean.... he STEALS my airtime. Tony, I can't even tell anymore if you like me as much as that preening schmo."
MICHAEL WILBON: "Guys, it's been said about LeBatard that he only wants to win this match-up and move on to the Final Four because he's a huckster & a shameless self promoter. What do you guys think about the fact that LeBatard has become obssessed in an odd way with "The Road From Bristol" and he's even discussed it on his Miami Radio show; does this bother you in any way?
JUSTICE: "Well, Michael, I was having lunch the other day with Yao Ming, Jeff Van Gundy, Tracy McGrady, David Carr, Andre Johnson, Drayton McLane, Craig Biggio, Brad Lidge, George Herbert Walker Bush, Barbara Bush and Kenneth Lay and we were actually discussing this very issue! Lidge felt that Dan had a rough childhood and was picked on a teased a lot to which both Yao and Tracy agreed wiuth him. Then Kenneth Lay mentioned that LeBatard might be after some sort of financial reward and both Barbara Bush and David Carr agreed with that. And then Roger Clemens surprised us all at lunch and got really tired of talking about this but again mentioned how much he loves the city of Houston and wants to retire an Astro and still throw a 98 mile an hour fastball at head of Stat Boy."
RYAN: "You know, RICHARD, If I WANTED to, I could tell you every five seconds that I sleep with Paul Pierce and I want to beat up Jason Kidd's wife and that I am from Boston but OH NO... I don't name drop every second. See, because Boston has more than just 5 famous people. And GUESS WHAT... when Roger lived in Boston, he said I was his very favorite sports writer and no one could EVER replace me, so THERE. Now, as far as Dan LeBatard, OF COURSE, he's a shameless self-promoter. Almost as obnoxious as Skip Bayless. But at least LeBatard has some semblence of an ability to construct a full sentence... I am still UNCONVINCED that Reali could do that."
TONY KORNHEISER: "Final seconds... gentlemen, predictions on tonight's match-up between Stat Boy & my BOY, LeBatard?"
JUSTICE: "Well, I am gonna follow the advice of my good friend, ROGER CLEMENS, who once again mentions how much he loves the city of Houston, the Astros, his Texas family members, Minute Maid Park, the Toyota Center where the Rockets play, Reliant Stadium where the Texans are, the Texas rodeo, as well as the I-10 commute down the road to San Antonio; anyway, Roger bases his vote on who he'd like to throw a fastball at more and he says STAT BOY."
KORNHEISER: "Bobby?"
RYAN: "In the words of the great Red Auerbach... WHERE'S MY DAMN CIGAR?... okay, that has NOTHING to do with this match-up but I am going to go with Dan LeBatard... sadly, in the modern era of the steroid athlete, ye who YELLS the loudest and makes the most noise, is ye who shall get an undeserving win. I think LeBatard pulls this one out."
Posted by Mac Thomason at 08:18 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
August 16, 2005
Regional Final Preview: (1) Stephen A. Smith vs. (2) Michael Irvin
MICHAEL WILBON: "I'm Michael Wilbon, Tony, it's time to play a little 'Good Cop, Bad Cop'. You ready?"
TONY KORNHEISER: "Oh, I'm ready."
VOICEOVER:
"Stephen A. Smith"
WILBON: "I will be the bad cop here... look, this man should be in JAIL. Cocaine, hookers, and he played for the Miami Hurricanes AND the Dallas Cowboys? Plus, it's officially a crime in this country to have appeared on 'The Best Damn Sports Show'. Michael is loud, incoherent, and has committed serious crimes. Just because you win Super Bowls, it doesn't mean you should be co-hosting ESPN's 'Primetime'. This man should be fired and then taken straight to jail. As bad cop, I can take him there."
KORNHEISER: "What are you talking about? Don't you believe in second chances, Wilbon? This man has found God, and you know just like your BOY, Deion Sanders, when a player finds GOD, he means it. Plus, who better to give analysis then a 3-time Super Bowl champion & one of the greatest wide receivers of all time? Plus, he's funny, boisterous, and always wears a phat suit, just like you, Wilbon. Give the man some love."
WILBON: "Next perp!"
VOICEOVER: "Stephen A. Smith"
WILBON: "Good cop, this time... QUITE FRANKLY, the man is a rising star at ESPN. He's loud, funny, and he hails from one of the best sports towns in America, Philadelphia. Look, he's not going to ever hold back and he will say what he thinks. Quite frankly, Tony, we need more honesty... don't ya think?"
KORNHEISER: "Since I am the bad cop, Wilbon, let me just say that your BOY Stephen A. is obnoxious, rude and doesn't actually KNOW anything about Basketball. And QUITE FRANKLY, Wilbon, if he was actually any good, they wouldn't be sticking his show on the deuce. I mean, what's the deal with old school/nu skool anyway? You and I are both old school and we can get by just fine. Once again, I win, I win. Wilbon goes DOWN, Wilbon goes DOWN!"
Posted by Mac Thomason at 08:20 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
August 15, 2005
Regional Final Preview: (1) Stu Scott vs. (2) Joe Morgan
MICHAEL WILBON: "Pardon The Interruption... I'm Michael Wilbon! Tony, it's time for some HEADS ON STICKS!"
TONY KORNHEISER: "And I'm Tony Kornheiser, and we are here at the 'Egregious Eight' to give you our feedback on the match-ups... give us the first one!"
VOICEOVER: "Stuart Scott."
WILBON: "Tony... you are Stu Scott... you wear the phat suits, but everyone makes fun of your fake street cred and that creepy lazy eye of yours. Plus, many people have said that the rise of Stu Scott can be equated to the time ESPN started a long spiral downhill. Stuey... defend your position and tell us why people should LOVE you?"
KORNHEISER: "Yo, dog... yo. You gotta love me! I gots at least 10 pro athletes on my cell phone speed dial and like I am the ONLY guy Allen Iverson talks with, yo... I really do have street cred from the mean streets of North Carolina where I was raised in the hard life with my Carolina Blue gang colors. I mean, c'mon... I went to the same school as Michael Jordan so I gotta get a little love from all my ESPN peeps, right? Peace, Wilbon!"
VOICEOVER: "Joe Morgan"
KORNHEISER: "Wilbon... you're your BOY, Joe Morgan... you're a real live know it all and think everyone else is wrong, except you, just about all the time. You've pretty much called 'Moneyball' a joke and laid the verbal smackdown on Billy Beane, whose Oakland A's are battling the Angels for 1st despite no Tim Hudson and no Mark Mulder; plus, you have started an imaginary feud with the newest Member of the Baseball Hall of Fame, Ryne Sandberg... why should you get some love?"
WILBON: "Because you know I'm right, Tony. I am always explaining myself as well as explaining the ills of Moneyball and Billy Beane. In my world, we should have nothing but speedsters because you can steal first. I know longer believe in taking walks. I know I could take nine Tony Womacks and out-manage Mr. Moneyball himself. As for Sandberg, he's just jealous because I was a far better second baseman. Did I mention how important I was on The Big Red Machine? Man I am good."
Posted by Mac Thomason at 08:26 AM | Comments (5) | TrackBack
August 02, 2005
Second Round Preview: Mike Krzyzewski Subregional
JAMES BROWN: Welcome to the Fox Sports studios, where I'm joined by Terry, Howie, and Jimmy, and we're taking a look at the Mike Krzyzewski bracket in the Duke Regional. First up, Skip Bayless versus Chris Fowler. Terry, your thoughts on this matchup?
TERRY BRADSHAW: Whoo, this is gonna be a blowout. Chris Fowler ain't got no chance against Bayless. Everybody hates Bayless.
HOWIE LONG: As they should, because he hates everybody. Fowler is going down hard.
BROWN: The other matchup should be closer, Larry Bowa versus Mel Kiper. Your thoughts, Jimmy?
JIMMY JOHNSON: Well, I dealt with Kiper when I was with the Cowboys and Dolphins and ESPN was covering the draft. He's like a big old puppy following you around. "Who are you going to take, huh, Jimmy? What are you looking for, huh?" Sooner or later you tell him anything just to get him to go away. I like Larry Bowa, he has a football attitude.
BRADSHAW: Whoa, there, pardner. You didn't do your homework there, did ya? In the first round, everybody hated on Bowa, while a lot of folks just voted for Kiper 'cause they liked Jaws. Bowa's got this one in the bag.
BROWN: Care to break the tie, Howie?
HOWIE LONG: Well, JB, I hate to agree with Terry. [UNDER HIS BREATH: You have no idea how much.] But Bowa is awful, and he should advance easily.
BROWN: Okay, then, two out of three say Bowa. Let's send it to Durham for the call. Joe?
Posted by Mac Thomason at 08:36 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
August 01, 2005
Second Round Preview: Christian Laettner Subregional
Dickie Victory by the Anonymous GuyThis bracket is more poorly designed than the seats in Fenway Park. Why are Digger Phelps and Dick Vitale meeting in the second round? Anyway, as terrible as Phelps is, Vitale drives me nuts. Why was this guy allowed to cover the NBA Draft? He hates the NBA! ESPN has hundreds of millions of dollars invested in the NBA, they have a dozen or more NBA commentators, and they bring in Dickie V to trash the product? I can't believe David Stern lets them do that. If they plan to use Vitale in next year's draft, expect to see him meet with a little "accident" before then.
Not to get on a rant here, but Vitale is so horrible that I can't believe anyone would vote for Linda Cohn. Now, as far as I'm concerned they should never let women on SportsCenter, and if they are they should only be picked for reasons of attractiveness, but come on, this is Vitale! It's like if you had a choice between watching both Godfather movies or A Few Good Men. No matter how good the latter movie is, this is The Godfather! You'd choose that every day and twice on Sundays! I will not argue about this.
AG's Pick: Vitale by 40
I just can't get worked up about the other matchup. I don't even know who Beano Cook is. Who watches college football? Jay Mariotti is just another reporter turned talking head, and not the worst of them, but compared to some old sloth nobody's heard of, he's an easy pick.
AG's Pick: Mariotti by 30
Posted by Mac Thomason at 12:09 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack
July 31, 2005
Second Round Preview: Jerry Jones Subregional
For this subregional, we have special guest previewers James Brown, Terry Bradshaw, Howie Long, and Jimmy Johnson of Fox Sports.
BROWN: Hello, and welcome to our preview of the Jerry Jones subregional in the Dallas Cowboys regional.
JOHNSON: How 'bout them Cow--
BROWN: Don't! We'll be previewing the Jerry Jones subregional today. First up, Chris Berman versus Sean Salisbury. Terry, your thoughts?
BRADSHAW: Weeeeeell, JB, I don't know much. I'm dumb. I'm stupider than a gator in a coop with a muskrat on its tail. But I do know onnnnne thing. There's somethin' seriously wrong when a scrub like Sean Salisbury gets a TV job. But what do you expect from the guys who hired Mark Malone?
BROWN: So, you like Salisbury's chances of pulling the upset?
BRADSHAW: Did Ah say thet, JB? Howie, JB's puttin words in my mouth.
LONG: Hey, leave me out of this. [To himself] I miss Teri.
BRADSHAW: Chris Berman is one of the greats. He's like the Brett Favre of annoying sportscasting. He's got this one in the bag.
BROWN: Okay, then. What about the other matchup? Steve Phillips versus Dan LeBatard, a 4-5 match between two guys who won easily in the first round. Howie?
LONG: I have no idea who either of these guys is.
JOHNSON: Me neither.
BRADSHAW: I'm sure I don't know, JB. But I think you have to go with Dan LeBatard. I had my assistant read the comments on this matchup and most of the people who voted for Phillips hated him for ruinin' the Mets, not his broadcastin'. Plus, I hear LeBatard's goin' round havin' bloggers on his radio show, that can't be good.
BROWN: Okay, let's send it to Joe, Troy, and Chris for the event. Guys?
Posted by Mac Thomason at 01:22 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
July 29, 2005
Second Round Preview: Jimmy Johnson Subregional
The Road From Bristol is happy to announce that we've received a preview for the next subregional written by an ESPN.com employee! He wishes to remain nameless, for fear of retribution (the ATH gang is vicious; they recently broke the kneecaps of a PA) but he sent this on:
The Legler Kid Rolls On by The Anonymous GuyThe big story in this bracket was the Daniel LaRusso-like upset pulled by Tim Legler on Lee Corso. As one of the 19 remaining NBA fans on the planet, I heartily approve. Legler is like one of those contestants on Survivor that at first you don't pay any attention to but over the weeks gets more and more annoying until you can't take it any more and feel like shoving pencils into your eardrums. Also, I don't watch college football.
Meanwhile, I am outraged that Peter Gammons and Bob Ryan were even included in this tournament. Gammons is the Guru! Ryan knows more about the NBA than anyone on the planet! The Anonymous Boy used to wake up to the Boston Globe sports section every day, hoping that there would be a column by one of these guys. If I had to choose, Ryan was the right call, but even Jimy Williams could make this pick.
AG's pick: Legler by 25
Mike Tirico is a fine professional sportscaster, no matter what you think of his personal life. Not to go on a rant here, but why is everyone in this country so hung up when a guy flirts with an attractive woman? I don't think we should hold that against him. (Uh-oh, the Anonymous Gal is looking at me again.)
The Around The Horn guys, however, make me want to put on a mask and start slashing and stabbing like Michael Myers. Tony Reali is no Max Kellerman, because horror sequels are never as scary as the original. Still, this sequel won't be the last of the series.
AG's pick: Reali by 20
By the way, I'm drunk again.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 12:31 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack
July 28, 2005
Second Round Preview: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar Subregional
Ernie Johnson Jr.: "Hi, I'm Ernie Johnson Jr. and welcome back to Los Angeles as tonight, we offer two more great second round match-ups from the Kareem Abdul Jabbar subregional. First up, the 3 seed Bill Walton takes on the 6 seed, Bill Curry. Now Charles, Kenny, are you guys surprised that the Lakers bracket is the only bracket intact, not one upset yet in this tournament?"
Charles Barkley: "Well, you know Ernie, there's always one bracket that you don't put a bunch of lines through and I guess this year it's the Lakers bracket. Now Bill Curry is a southern boy like me taking on that giant west coast hippie, Bill Walton. I actually like Curry to win this. They are both gasious windbags but people hate to be preached to so I gotta go Curry. Plus, I hate Indian food...it gives me gas."
[Ernie & Kenny look at each other grossed out]
Kenny Smith: "I disagree with you, Chuckster...I like Walton here. The man is just terrrr-ible as he always likes to say and changes his mind every 5 minutes; that just drives people INSANE."
Barkley: "Hey, I changed my mind too...I have decided for your stupid analysis, I am not going to let it slide and actually kick your ass."
Johnson: "Now, Charles, none of that. Anyway, our next match-up features the #2 seed, Michael Irvin, taking on the 7th seed Jay Bilas."
Smith: "Well, you have to like Bilas' length and wingspan here...
Barkley: "Shut Up."
Smith: "But...
Barkley: "Shut. Up. Look, I am going fishing again. People hate Irvin. This will be a total blowout for him and he will be well rested for the Curry-Walton winner."
Johnson: "But Charles, don't you think this will be a great match-up, a real nail biter...?"
Barkley: "Screw that...Irvin in a blowout. Got anything to add, Kenny?"
Smith: "Nothing other than reminding people about the great clutch shots I used to hit for North Carolina and Houston."
-- Alex R.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 01:29 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
July 27, 2005
Second Round Preview: Kobe Bryant Subregional
Ernie Johnson Jr.: "Welcome to TNT, I'm Ernie Johnson along with 'Sir' Charles Barkley and Kenny 'The Jet' Smith as we preview the 2nd round match-ups in the Lakers regional, here in the Kobe Bryant sub-regional at Staples Center. One of the very favorites of the entire "Road from Bristol" tournament is on hand tonight as the #1 seed, Stephen A. Smith takes on 8th seeded Paul Maguire. Charles...your thoughts."
Charles Barkley: "GIN-O-BI-LI! GIN-O-BI-LI!"
Johnson: "Charles? The Spurs aren't playing again until October."
Barkley: "I know, you damn fool...I just like saying GIN-O-BI-LI because it's always a great energy starter for me. Anyway, Maguire is a fat, old white dude and I think Stephen A. may be too quick for him. I mean, the people really hate Stephen A. so you have to say this game is gonna be a blowout. Maguire ain't got no shot."
Kenny Smith: "Like in my glory days at North Carolina, I think you are going to see that kind of performance from Stephen A. Smith tonight. He's SMOOTH. Remember the smoothness with which I played in Chapel Hill and then in Houston? THAT kind of smooth!"
Barkley: "Kenny, you sucked. You were one dimensional and all you could do was shoot threes all night."
Smith: "Charles, I played Hall of Fame Basketball because I was trained by Dean Smith himself."
Barkley: "Kenny, you're a damned fool. You know that? I should throw you through a window."
Johnson: "Um, ok, none of that, Charles! (mutters)...even if he deserves it (Kenny looks shocked!)...anyway, our other bracket match-up is a real barnburner...the 4 seed William C. Rhoden vs. the 5 seed, Jim Rome."
Barkley: "It don't matter... I'm going fishing. People hate Rome and hell, I don't even know who the hell Rhoden is. Rome won't break a sweat tonight.
Johnson: "Charles, are you serious? I mean, c'mon...we have a matchup to promote... tell the people it will be exciting!"
Barkley: "Who cares...people just want me to be straight. Rome will squash this no name."
Smith: "Charles, I am afraid I am going to have to disagree again. It's like those big shots I took for Houston in the 1994 Finals... Rhoden has that kind of angry passion and people hate the man. Hell, he hates white people and respects guys like Richard Williams. Rhoden has a real shot if the clones stay home."
-- Alex R.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 01:30 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
July 25, 2005
Second Round Preview: Curt Schilling Subregional
Greg Gumbel: "Hi, Greg Gumbel back in New York...wait, hold on...it's my cell phone...hello...Bryant, is that you? STOP CALLING ME YOU ANCIENT HACK. Yes, I will remember to bring the turkey for Thanksgi...no, Bryant, I won't talk to CBS about giving you your own sh...look, it doesn't matter how many times you ask, you are still...I don't care that mom said I had to be nicer to you. Tough...oh really...you are going to kick MY ass? I would like to see you try you pissy bitch. I cannot believe you are my older brother...look, I received a call from Katie Couric...you have to STOP CALLING HER ALREADY. Don't you get it? Just because Jane Pauley slept with you so you could keep your job, doesn't mean Katie's interested...though I did get a call from Ryan Seacrest about you...are you interested? Ok, sure...here's his number...look, I gotta wrap it up, the camera guys are getting mad.
Anyway, Greg Gumbel back here in New York with my colleagues Clark Kellogg & Seth Davis to preview the Curt Schilling Sub Regional and here are our next set of second round match ups.
Our first match features heavily favored #2 seed Joe Morgan against the surprisingly strong 7th seed, Jason Whitlock. Now guys, I don't know if Morgan will be ready for the onslaught that Whitlock unleashed on John Clayton in the 1st round. Total blowout.
Seth Davis: Look, I said all along that Whitlock was one of my sleepers...the Lance Armstrong comment was strong enough to draw the ire of most of the western world. Clark...do you dare disagree?
Clark Kellogg: No, I am going with Seth on this...
Seth Davis: Chicken****.
Clark Kellogg: Bite me, pretty boy. Anyway, never underestimate an angry fat man....just look at the surprising tournament performances of John Kruk & Jeff Brantley. Whitlock is dangerous but I think Morgan can pull it out. He does love to draw up diagrams and that should still help piss off the Baseball crowd enough.
Seth Davis: I am taking the upset and going with Whitlock..this fat turd doesn't think Lance Armstrong is a real athlete...a man who beat Cancer and just won his 7th straight Tour De France? Take the upset and Morgan shows us another vulnerable 2 seed.
Greg Gumbel: The other match-up in the Curt Schilling sub regional features the 3 seed, Joe Thristol Theismann (Greg laughs at that one) vs. the 6 seed, Woody Paige. Thoughts?
Clark Kellogg: I am going with Paige in this one. The wood-man has been on fire and people really hate "Around The Horn". I think some people have even forgotten that Theismann is even on ESPN anymore.
Seth Davis: What, are you nuts, Kellogg? The man tried to rhyme his name with "Heisman". Nuff said. Still, I also take the upset...take Paige & the points. The Wood-man is real sleeper and people need to watch out for this loudmouth. Total hateable character in my opinion.
-- Alex R.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 11:10 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
Second Round Preview: Derek Jeter Subregional
Greg Gumbel: Hi folks...we are live from Yankee Stadium for the second round of the Derek Jeter subregional. Along with Seth Davis & Clark Kellogg, I'm Greg Gumbel, and we're here to preview you the first two second round matchups.
First up, the favorite, the #1 seed Stuart Scott and his lazy eye battle the #8 seed, heavyweight John Kruk.
Clark Kellogg: Greg, you have to like Kruk's chances for the upset...I know he's fat but he's so unattractive, that may sway people who you'd think might automatically vote for Scott.
Seth Davis: Clark, you are wrong, again. (Rolls his eyes).
I am here to tell America that not only do I look great on TV, but I am never wrong. Scott wins this in a cakewalk. Yeah, Kruk may eat some of that cake, but Scott will make the Sweet 16 with relative ease.
Clark Kellogg: Well, I am picking Scott the favorite here also, I just think it will be a lot closer than you think.
Seth Davis: You're an idiot, Kellogg.
Greg Gumbel: Next up, fellas, one of the big surprises in 'The Road from Bristol' the 12th seed, Jeff Brantley battling the 4th seed, Jim Gray. In the first round, Gray stomped a mud hole in Trev Alberts and it was never even close. Brantley on the other hand had a tough time with the favorite, Mike Lupica, but still managed the upset. Well, Clark and Seth, does this Cinderella story keep rolling or will the Brantley-mullet train be slammed down by a rolling Jim Gray?
Clark Kellogg: Gray, in a walk. Forget about the Cinderella mullet...Jim Gray is too universally hated to lose.
Seth Davis: Yes, Gray wins this for sure, Greg... but I did receive word that Pete Rose arrived at JFK recently and will be in attendence to root on Brantley. He may even have some money riding on this. At the very least, Rose is trying to psyche Gray out.
-- Alex R.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 03:02 AM | Comments (7) | TrackBack