August 18, 2005

Cutting Down The Nets: LA Lakers Regional

Smith 83, Irvin 15

Stephen A. Smith continues to cruise, easily wiping out Michael Irvin, who had won his previous matchups by an average of 78-16. Smith does that little dance of his into the Foul Four, where he is expected to meet Skip Bayless in what's generally considered the "real" final.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 09:13 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

August 16, 2005

Stephen A. Smith vs. Michael Irvin

1. Stephen A. Smith
Defeated Hank Goldberg 78-3
Defeated Paul Maguire 115-26
Defeated Jim Rome, 81-40

The Latest Word:

"Quite frankly, he's worse than Stu Scott. Quite frankly, I hate him." -- Jenny

"Thrown all over every program they have for the sole purpose of pissing people off." -- Sam

"The complaints about him are easy to find, and nearly always an understatement. He is truly awful. And to think they fired David Aldridge - intelligent, usually correct, entertaining, able to control the volume of his voice - in favor of this guy is enough to make my head explode." -- Yermom

"If the certain way a certain person says the name Slava Medvedenko is what gets that person a full-time job on a certain sports channel, it's time for that sports channel to fire all the staffing people and on-air talent, and start over again." -- Rob

"Like a out of control virus. He's on Sportscenter all the time, every NBA show (and since my favorite sport is basketball, that's especially painful), the radio, and now he has his own goddamn show for no goddamn reason. In fact, in interviews ESPN execs admit that they realize people hate him and they STILL gave him a show because ESPN's NBA ratings have improved and somehow they've attributed that to him." -- Adam

"Everytime he's around atheletes like AI or LeBron, he pukers up and kisses their ass, then turns around and turns up the volume of his voice, which causes me to press the mute button. THERE IS NO NEED TO SCREAM AT THE TOP OF YOUR LUNGS TO GET ATTENTION!!! Worse, they replaced the brilliant David Aldridge with this fool, which is an act against humanity." -- Mellismo

"I half-expect him to show up doing color on WSoP... and this makes me fearful.

"Lon: 'Negranu has an ace-king suited, while Ivey has a pair of tens. Negranu calls the big blind and raises a thousand.'
"Norman: 'Lon, that set of spades for Daniel is great to have in the hole when you're heads-up.'
"SAS: 'Spades? Who you callin' SPADES, honky? QUITE FRANKLY, I think YOU'RE a spade, boy. At least, THAT'S what A.I. TOLD ME when I was HANGING IN HIS CRIB yesterday.'
"Lon, Norman: *silence*

"And, scene." -- Chris Lawrence

"Evil ESPN executive Mark Shaprio says, "Whether you like Stephen A. Smith or hate him, you can't help but watch him." Actually, Shapiro, I don't really have that problem." -- Phil

"I've worn out the mute button on my remote control because of Smith." -- Ryan V

"There may be more annoying, more uninformed, and more incompentent people working at ESPN (note that I said MAY), however, he easily tops the list of 'most in need of a severe, James Caan in The Godfather, trash-can-involved, monster beating'." -- Edwin

"It took five minutes of Quite Frankly for my brain to start gnawing its way out of my skull as it realized that I was forcing it to watch Stephen A. Smith spout idiocies about every sport, not just basketball. Has to be the first show where I strongly disagree with what he says IN THE PROMOS." -- Gavin

Versus

2. Michael Irvin
Defeated Michael Wilbon 73-6
Defeated Jay Bilas 86-14
Defeated Bill Walton 75-29

The Latest Word:

"Somehow makes less sense than Deion Sanders." -- Will

"Miami + Dallas + Criminal Record + Unintelligible Speech + Poor Fashion Sense = One p!ss-poor excuse for an announcer." -- Jason

"I didn't think it was possible for me to hate him any more than when he was a player. Thanks for proving me wrong Mikey!" -- Dewey

"The next time he says something worthwhile will be the first time." -- Kirk

"With the cooperation of TV directors who can't cut away from pointless showboating, Irvin managed to draw attention to himself for simple things like catching a 6-yard-pass. Mike, when you have single coverage against a smaller defensive back, and you run a route *specifically designed* to get you open, and the offensive line gives the QB two seconds of protection, guess what --- YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO CATCH THE DAMN BALL!! THAT'S YOUR JOB!!! STOP DANCING AND POSING FOR THE CAMERA!!!!" -- Miles Cannon

"Between him and Dan Le Batard, isn't that enough reason to just cut a gigantic ditch south of Disney World and let the southern part of the Florida peninsula float off into the ocean where it belongs? And then - target practice!" -- Giraffe

"Why anyone thought he should be on television after his impressive film debut in "Look at me doing coke in my front seat" I'll never know." -- EY

Voting is now closed. Results coming soon.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 08:26 AM | Comments (104) | TrackBack

Regional Final Preview: (1) Stephen A. Smith vs. (2) Michael Irvin

MICHAEL WILBON: "I'm Michael Wilbon, Tony, it's time to play a little 'Good Cop, Bad Cop'. You ready?"

TONY KORNHEISER: "Oh, I'm ready."

VOICEOVER:
"Stephen A. Smith"

pardontheinterruption.gifWILBON: "I will be the bad cop here... look, this man should be in JAIL. Cocaine, hookers, and he played for the Miami Hurricanes AND the Dallas Cowboys? Plus, it's officially a crime in this country to have appeared on 'The Best Damn Sports Show'. Michael is loud, incoherent, and has committed serious crimes. Just because you win Super Bowls, it doesn't mean you should be co-hosting ESPN's 'Primetime'. This man should be fired and then taken straight to jail. As bad cop, I can take him there."

KORNHEISER: "What are you talking about? Don't you believe in second chances, Wilbon? This man has found God, and you know just like your BOY, Deion Sanders, when a player finds GOD, he means it. Plus, who better to give analysis then a 3-time Super Bowl champion & one of the greatest wide receivers of all time? Plus, he's funny, boisterous, and always wears a phat suit, just like you, Wilbon. Give the man some love."

WILBON: "Next perp!"

VOICEOVER: "Stephen A. Smith"

WILBON: "Good cop, this time... QUITE FRANKLY, the man is a rising star at ESPN. He's loud, funny, and he hails from one of the best sports towns in America, Philadelphia. Look, he's not going to ever hold back and he will say what he thinks. Quite frankly, Tony, we need more honesty... don't ya think?"

KORNHEISER: "Since I am the bad cop, Wilbon, let me just say that your BOY Stephen A. is obnoxious, rude and doesn't actually KNOW anything about Basketball. And QUITE FRANKLY, Wilbon, if he was actually any good, they wouldn't be sticking his show on the deuce. I mean, what's the deal with old school/nu skool anyway? You and I are both old school and we can get by just fine. Once again, I win, I win. Wilbon goes DOWN, Wilbon goes DOWN!"

Posted by Mac Thomason at 08:20 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

August 10, 2005

Results: Michael Irvin vs. Bill Walton

Irvin 75, Walton 29

Cocaine wins easily, as Michael Irvin takes out the big hippie, who wants to know if you've ever looked at a basketball, I mean really looked.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 01:20 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

August 09, 2005

Results: Stephen A. Smith vs. Jim Rome

Smith 81, Rome 40

Not even a clone army could help Jim Rome stand up to the Stephen A. Smith steamroller, as Smith heads towards his seemingly inevitably semis matchup with Skip Bayless. Rome's callers are outraged.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 09:17 AM | Comments (10) | TrackBack

August 08, 2005

Michael Irvin vs. Bill Walton

2. Michael Irvin
Defeated Michael Wilbon 73-6
Defeated Jay Bilas 86-14

The Opposition Case:

"Michael Irvin... you were once a GREAT PLAYER...but now? You are just TERRIBLE, AWFUL, JUST AWFUL... I mean, how else do you explain being on "The Best Damned Sports Show" -- what the hell is that all about? Besided, the last time I checked you are only a mere 6-2...whereas I am standing 7-0...you always bet on the big man. and Let me tell you something... I don't need my tie dye shorts, pot brownies or encouraging notes from David Stern to beat you. You are just awful, terrrrrible. Just horrrrrible." -- Bill Walton

The People Speak:

"He makes my ears bleed with his butchery of the English language." -- Djcolts

"Sterling Sharpe was mildly entertaining, and the collapse MNC experienced when they brought Irvin in to replace him was horrific. He's a complete *ss, and I can't stand him." -- Sweeper

"He may actually be able to outshout Stu Scott." -- Randy

"I can't think of one useful or legal thing he has done or said since he retired from football." -- John in Austin

"His performance on ESPN's 2004 NFL Draft show should be shown on an endless loop to the terrorists held at Abu Ghraib. Now that would be torture." -- Grandcosmo

"I'm surprised Steve Young hasn't shot Irvin in the face yet. He seriously looks like he's about to strangle him after every one of his inane comments." -- Luke

"If it weren't for the over-hyping of his personal friends, complete lack of attention to facts that don't support his pet opinion du jour, and all at a volume better associated with many major airports, Irvin might be tolerable." -- DrTizz

"He's managed to personify the worst aspects of college football, the worst aspects of professional football and now the worst aspects of the new sports media." -- Arford

"If felons can't vote, they shouldn't be allowed on TV either. You can do more harm on TV than in a voting booth." -- Miles Cannon

'If Michael Irvin was hopped up as a player, what could have possibly sunk in that would be of any use as a commentator?

"Whoa... the Browns had their heads dyed orange."
"Those are helmets."
"Helmets? That's like a cover that covers your whole head."
"That it is."' -- Mtvcdm

Versus

3. Bill Walton
Defeated Merrill Hoge 56-14
Defeated Bill Curry 68-50

The Opposition Case:

"Look here Walton, you can't touch me, brother... you can't contain me. Whether I was embarrassing cornerbacks in the Big East* or the NFC East, I am a Miami Hurricane and a Dallas Cowboy... Do you have any idea what that means. Do you realize how much more powerful being high on cocaine is than being high on marijuana? Please. You are a stoner, I am a drug crazed criminal and your ass wouldn't be able to handle me. You and your bad knees are going down!" -- Michael Irvin

(*Note that Michael has done so many drugs that he's forgotten that Miami was an independent when he was there.)

The People Speak:

"I used to like the NBA, but my frequent changing of the channel when Walton calls a game has taken away almost every opportunity I had to maintain any interest in the sport." -- Joey T

"He's never made a good point that I can recall and he detracts from the game. A good color man should make good points but most importantly STAY OUT OF THE WAY OF THE GAME. People want to watch a basketball game, not listen to you ramble. Guys like Doug Collins have mastered the art, Walton's never been able to do it." -- Adam

"Literally makes me ill when I hear him "enlightening" us while watching an NBA game. Stupidity realized in it's highest, purest form. Doesn't even realize he has just contradicted himself... for the 9000th time in the last 10 minutes." -- Tony

"You want to hit the mute button for the whole game. And then you realize you have automatic closed captioning. So you hear the WHORRRRRRRIBLE in your head. All that's left is putting out your eyes and hoping that there's a Braille account in the paper the next day." -- Bill Walsh

"Once heard him go rambling for 5 minutes on espn.radio and I had no idea what the hell was going on. It was just a mess, so I thought it was some sort of weird commercial, then it kept going and I thought some sort of anarchist pirate radio station was blocking the signal. Turns out it was his basketball anaylsis. WTF??" -- Chris J

"Walton has to be THE dumbest announcer in major league history, any sport. His shtick would almost be poetic if it was actually coherent. He will never say anything useful, and his consistent adoration of Kobe and Shaq borders on insanity. "'Oh, the perfection! Oh, the wonder!'" -- Gavin

"He's probably the best argument on this planet against smoking marijuana. I think he has literally smoked himself retarded." -- Ted

As for this matchup:

"A battle of wits—I use the term loosely—between the two guys who butcher the English Language the most. Walton knows the words, but he cannot take the marbles out of his mouth long enough to speak coherently. Irvin just makes things up as he goes along." -- Andre la Plume

Voting is now closed. Results when I get a chance. Before this evening, I hope.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 08:39 AM | Comments (109) | TrackBack

August 06, 2005

Stephen A. Smith vs. Jim Rome

1. Stephen A. Smith
Defeated Hank Goldberg 78-3
Defeated Paul Maguire 115-26

The Opposition Case:

"Thanks for the vine, Stephen A... 'cause let's face it, Philadelphia is a jungle, right? Anyway, I am the real deal here and athletes love me... no one gives them more air time than I do in the Jungle. And speaking of the Jungle, I have the clone army backin' me up, easily outnumbering Iverson, Larry Brown and your 3 other friends. Besides, you have absolutely zero talent and you should be embarrassed by how much you DON'T know as evidenced by your Chris Rock-Oscars like performance at the NBA Draft. War Me...War the Goatee... War the Gouchos... War 'Rome is Burning'... War just being so damned sexy... I'm out." -- Jim Rome

The People Speak:

"Maybe he thinks that if he screams loud enough, he will be able to override viewers' mute buttons." -- Jenny

"Scream'n A's is the biggest head with the loudest (and somehow simultaneously least productive) mouth, blasting 200 decible inanities from high atop Mount Shapiromore. If I never heard him utter a word in my life I would be much smarter than I am now." -- Mattymatty

"STEPIN A. SMITH HERE.
QUITE FRANKLY, I'M TELLING YOU I JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE WITH MYSELF. I TOLD ME THAT I WOULD EASILY DEFEAT THIS MAGUIRE-CHARACTER. THERE IS NOTHING ELSE TO SAY. I HAVE TO GO. I NEED TO GO KISS SOME MORE PHILLY-ATHLETE ASS." -- KC from SD

"I really thought this blog was kidding when they said he was getting his own show...then I hoped it was kidding...now I just stare at walls, unconsolable, for hours at a time." -- Egghead

"Stephen A. Smith should be strapped to the first missile that we shoot into Syria during the shock and awe campaign." -- Sam

"Can we just boot him from Bristol now? Seriously, ESPN needs to fire this guy. Preferably from a cannon." -- Ryan V.

Versus

5. Jim Rome
Defeated Jim Donnan 75-9
Defeated William C. Rhoden 101-27

The Opposition Case:

"However Mr. Jim Rome, your goatee is infested with fleas. I am
tellin's you... I will take you down. You are a bigger poser then Stu Scott and I, Stephen A. Smith. While 'Rome is Burning' at some ungodly hour at 4 pm where only grannies and out of work fools can see you, my new show will be in primetime. Sure, we drew fewer viewers than McEnroe on MSNBC, but Mark Shapiro and I have a plan... see here... the plan is that eventually, only Stuart Scott & I will be in the air and people like you, Jim Rome, will be rotting flesh on "The Worst Damn Sports Show". Now excuse me while I call Iverson and get the scoop on everything Philly--peace!" -- Stephen A. Smith

The People Speak:

"Maybe the most over-rated, over-hyped sportstalk guy ever. Who is possibly watching that show?" -- gbirch32

"The biggest jackass to ever show his sorry face (complete with 90's era goatee!) on television." -- Mattymatty

"The thing is, I've thought Rome made one or two (but just one or two) good points over the years--he just didn't need to make each one of them 5,000 times each at top volume." -- Aznemesis

"A loud-mouthed abomination with little to nothing to say. He reminds me of a drunken frat boy trying to sound knowledgeable about the local sports team only to avoid comments of his own hidden homosexuality." -- Gavin

'Rejected titles for Rome's latest show:

"Rome is Itching and Throbing"
"Rome is Dully Aching"
"Rome is Swelling"
"Rome is Smoldering"
"Rome is Smelling Vaguely of Burnt Hair"
"Rome is Recovering From Third Degree Burns Over 90% of His Body"
"Rome is Irritating"
"Rome is Out of His Depth"' -- Phil

"Who thought that taking Random Sports Talk Radio Hack #721 (Rome) and giving him a TV show would be a GOOD idea?" -- Mtvcdm

"Has there ever been anyone who repeats the same point over and over again, I mean anyone who says the same thing again and again, really anyone who keeps beating the dead horse....." JimBoHanna

Voting is now closed, results coming soon.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 07:23 PM | Comments (129) | TrackBack

July 31, 2005

Second Round Results: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar Subregional

Walton 68, Curry 50

Despite accusations of voting irregularities, Bill Walton held off Bill Curry, with a late run giving him some breathing room. Curry is reminded of something Vince Lombardi once told him.

Irvin 86, Bilas 14

Never threatened, Michael Irvin moves on to the next round, where Bilas says his length and projectibility means he should have a good shot at moving on.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 01:01 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

July 29, 2005

Second Round Results: Kobe Bryant Subregional

Smith 115, Maguire 26

Stephen A. Smith screams into the sweet 16, while Paul Maguire, who apparently is gone from ESPN anyway after this football season, ends his run. Maguire might have had a shot against anyone else but not the Smith steamroller.

Rome 101, Rhoden 27

After jumping out to a 3-0 lead, William C. Rhoden couldn't hang with Jim Rome, who lended support to the widely held belief he was underseeded. The second round matchup with Smith should set some sort of record for hearing damage. Rhoden's comment should be finished sometime this weekend.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 12:30 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

July 28, 2005

Michael Irvin vs. Jay Bilas

2. Michael Irvin (Defeated Michael Wilbon 73-6)

The Case Against:

"Miami and the Cowboys would be enough, if it weren't for the fact that he's absolutely dreadful." -- Ramar

"My only concern about voting for Irvin is that upon learning he's won, he'll probably have some coke orgy or something, but nonetheless Irvin gets my vote." -- SP

"Actually, despite my third-generation Redskins fandom, I have to credit the guy's enthusiasm and clear willingness to improve his TV persona. But he's really not a good broadcaster at all yet. He should be on some local channel somewhere for a few years getting his chops. Also, Mike, two words: Elocution lessons. Bumping Sterling Sharpe (a solid ex-jock commentator) for him (if that's what happened) is a close second to the Aldridge-for-Smith crime against humanity." -- Bill Walsh

Versus

7. Jay Bilas (Defeated Dan Patrick 41-38)

The Case Against:

"He gave Stephen A. a run for his money as worst draft commentator ever." -- Paul

"Too condescending, and not in a funny way. He acts like it's beneath him to even talk about why Duke will win every game, because you should know this already." -- Altercall

"Bilas's studio analysis on college basketball drives me nuts! (I like his game analysis however). His ranting about the RPI and supporting all schools in major conferences while simultaneoulsy ranting against any school from a small conference other than Gonzaga is terrible. It's not just what conference you play in, Jay, it's how good your team is!" -- James G

Voting now closed. Results coming soon.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 01:37 PM | Comments (102) | TrackBack

Bill Walton vs. Bill Curry

3. Bill Walton (Defeated Merrill Hoge 56-14)

The Case Against:

"as bad as his whole shtick is with the TERRRIBLE and HORRRIBLE, the worst part is when he changes his mind every halftime show and bandwagons on to whatever miniscule thing he sees wrong. when the pistons were down 2-0, he's wondering wether larry brown should coach. when they come back, all of the sudden they have the heart of a champion and larry should get some medals." -- rivers

"Walton deserves some credit for overcoming his crippling speech impediment and actually moving on to a career in broadcasting, but I'm still voting for him." -- Sean

"Walton is rather funny once you listen to him as ESPN's connection to the stoned, but as David Stern's 7 foot marionnette, I tire of his incessant NBA drool." -- e

Versus

6. Bill Curry (Defeated Al Michaels 50-15)

The Case Against:

"For some reason, every time I think of Curry, I have this image of him in overalls. That, and Coach Lombardi. And do keep in mind, he's the guy that tried to run Tim Couch in the option." -- SP

"I am reminded of something an actual hockey coach once said of Barry Melrose upon hearing Melrose's criticism from the safety of the ESPN Studios: "If he's so f------ smart, how come he's so f------ unemployed?" So I vote for Curry in order to discourage ESPN's Hire-A-Failed-Coach-to-Tell-Other-People-What-They're-Doing-Wrong employment plan." -- Phil

Voting now closed. Results coming soon.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 01:29 PM | Comments (120) | TrackBack

Second Round Preview: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar Subregional

Ernie Johnson Jr.: "Hi, I'm Ernie Johnson Jr. and welcome back to Los Angeles as tonight, we offer two more great second round match-ups from the Kareem Abdul Jabbar subregional. First up, the 3 seed Bill Walton takes on the 6 seed, Bill Curry. Now Charles, Kenny, are you guys surprised that the Lakers bracket is the only bracket intact, not one upset yet in this tournament?"

Charles Barkley: "Well, you know Ernie, there's always one bracket that you don't put a bunch of lines through and I guess this year it's the Lakers bracket. Now Bill Curry is a southern boy like me taking on that giant west coast hippie, Bill Walton. I actually like Curry to win this. They are both gasious windbags but people hate to be preached to so I gotta go Curry. Plus, I hate Indian food...it gives me gas."

[Ernie & Kenny look at each other grossed out]

Kenny Smith: "I disagree with you, Chuckster...I like Walton here. The man is just terrrr-ible as he always likes to say and changes his mind every 5 minutes; that just drives people INSANE."

Barkley: "Hey, I changed my mind too...I have decided for your stupid analysis, I am not going to let it slide and actually kick your ass."

Johnson: "Now, Charles, none of that. Anyway, our next match-up features the #2 seed, Michael Irvin, taking on the 7th seed Jay Bilas."

Smith: "Well, you have to like Bilas' length and wingspan here...

Barkley: "Shut Up."

Smith: "But...

Barkley: "Shut. Up. Look, I am going fishing again. People hate Irvin. This will be a total blowout for him and he will be well rested for the Curry-Walton winner."

Johnson: "But Charles, don't you think this will be a great match-up, a real nail biter...?"

Barkley: "Screw that...Irvin in a blowout. Got anything to add, Kenny?"

Smith: "Nothing other than reminding people about the great clutch shots I used to hit for North Carolina and Houston."

-- Alex R.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 01:29 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

July 27, 2005

Stephen A. Smith vs. Paul Maguire

1. Stephen A. Smith (Defeated Hank Goldberg 78-3)

The Case Against:

"The worst thing about SAS isn't that he's a snivelling little whiner. It's not that he knows NOTHING about basketball. It's not that all his "scoops" are stolen from someone else. It's that will never take a stand that could cross a player. HE has to look smooth in front of them, even if that means he's the biggest sASS out there." -- Altercall

"Not only is Smith shrill and incoherent on air (I've heard he's not, off-air, but that's third-haid), but losing David Aldridge for him? The single greatest crime ESPN has perpetrated against its viewers in years." -- Bill Walsh

"STEPHEN A. SMITH! I'M MAKING THIS POST AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS!!!!! LISTEN TO ME!!!! LISTEN TO ME!!!! ISN'T THIS ANNOYING??????!!!! Now, you know how the rest of America feels, Stephen A." -- Phil

"If you could pick only one "personality" to personify what is wrong with sports on television, it would be hard to go wrong with this obnoxious, no-talent, ass-kissing, scream-at-the-top-of-his-lungs idiot." -- KC from SD

"My wife will be glad she's not the only one who wonders why he's screaming at her all the time." -- Jeremy B.

"If it can be said that ESPN "jumped the shark" when Stuart Scott came along, then let it also be said that ESPN got married to a woman with a little girl and became a teacher at the local high school with Ted McGinley when Steven A. Smith came along." -- J. Lichty

"Does he even know he is wallowing in self parody, or does he just not care?" -- Craig D. Barker

Versus

8. Paul Maguire (Defeated J.A. Adande 45-38)

The Case Against:

"I hate him more than any man alive." -- Joey T

"The single worst NFL announcer in the business today, bar none." -- Arford

"McGuire with his pseudo-intellectualism is horrible in his own right, but pair him with Theisman and I would rather give John Madden a sponge bath than listen to those two." -- J. Lichty

"Let me tell you something, Maguire is the worst broadcaster alive. He is annoying, repeats himself constantly, and...wait, watch this, watch this, BAM!!!! Did you see that? He just wet himself again." -- Luke

Voting now closed. Results coming soon.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 02:05 PM | Comments (143) | TrackBack

William C. Rhoden vs. Jim Rome

4. William C. Rhoden (Defeated Mike Greenberg, 44-29)

The Case Against:

"I used to watch Sports Reporters for its fast pace arguing, and this guys spits out 1 word an hour. As mentioned, racism to boot." -- James G

"Rhoden is what Terrence Moore would be if anyone was ever stupid enough to pick him up for a sports show. He must go." -- Bwarrend

"At the risk of being labeled a racist by Rhoden himself I have to vote for him." -- Grandcosmo

"Rhoden personifies everything I hate about the New York Times." -- Paul Scarte

"Rhoden is a festering pustule on the skin of sports, and needs to be lanced." -- Vetinari

Versus

5. Jim Rome (Defeated Jim Donnan 75-9)

The Case Against:

"He must have nude pictures of Mark Shapiro(ESPN CEO) or something because he keeps getting hired and has no audience. A sleeper final four pick." -- Bob

"Maybe by the time his sixth show is airing on ESPN2 -- "Rome Wasn't Built in a Day" it could be called or "Rome, If You Want To" or even "Rome on $8 a Day" -- an exhausted America will finally succumb to Rome's supposed charms. But not today, Jim." -- Phil

"His show is like ESPN's version of the National Enquirer or something. He looks like a serial rapist." -- Jenny

"He personifies all that is bad about sports radio. What bugs me most is that he seems to be a sharp, interesting guy who has chosen the dark side." -- Teacherrefpoet

Voting now closed. Results coming soon.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 01:54 PM | Comments (131) | TrackBack

Second Round Preview: Kobe Bryant Subregional

Ernie Johnson Jr.: "Welcome to TNT, I'm Ernie Johnson along with 'Sir' Charles Barkley and Kenny 'The Jet' Smith as we preview the 2nd round match-ups in the Lakers regional, here in the Kobe Bryant sub-regional at Staples Center. One of the very favorites of the entire "Road from Bristol" tournament is on hand tonight as the #1 seed, Stephen A. Smith takes on 8th seeded Paul Maguire. Charles...your thoughts."

Charles Barkley: "GIN-O-BI-LI! GIN-O-BI-LI!"

Johnson: "Charles? The Spurs aren't playing again until October."

Barkley: "I know, you damn fool...I just like saying GIN-O-BI-LI because it's always a great energy starter for me. Anyway, Maguire is a fat, old white dude and I think Stephen A. may be too quick for him. I mean, the people really hate Stephen A. so you have to say this game is gonna be a blowout. Maguire ain't got no shot."

Kenny Smith: "Like in my glory days at North Carolina, I think you are going to see that kind of performance from Stephen A. Smith tonight. He's SMOOTH. Remember the smoothness with which I played in Chapel Hill and then in Houston? THAT kind of smooth!"

Barkley: "Kenny, you sucked. You were one dimensional and all you could do was shoot threes all night."

Smith: "Charles, I played Hall of Fame Basketball because I was trained by Dean Smith himself."

Barkley: "Kenny, you're a damned fool. You know that? I should throw you through a window."

Johnson: "Um, ok, none of that, Charles! (mutters)...even if he deserves it (Kenny looks shocked!)...anyway, our other bracket match-up is a real barnburner...the 4 seed William C. Rhoden vs. the 5 seed, Jim Rome."

Barkley: "It don't matter... I'm going fishing. People hate Rome and hell, I don't even know who the hell Rhoden is. Rome won't break a sweat tonight.

Johnson: "Charles, are you serious? I mean, c'mon...we have a matchup to promote... tell the people it will be exciting!"

Barkley: "Who cares...people just want me to be straight. Rome will squash this no name."

Smith: "Charles, I am afraid I am going to have to disagree again. It's like those big shots I took for Houston in the 1994 Finals... Rhoden has that kind of angry passion and people hate the man. Hell, he hates white people and respects guys like Richard Williams. Rhoden has a real shot if the clones stay home."

-- Alex R.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 01:30 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

July 20, 2005

Postgame Press Conference IV

Michael Irvin (2) "I told ya! I told ya! I am the best damn wide receiver in the world plus I was a Cowboy and a Miami Hurricane so you can't stop me--I'm on fire...where's Deion?"

Mike Wilbon (15) "Just like the Cubs, I went down in flames...I am going to call my boy MJ since I still have a job at ESPN. Let's hope the same holds true for my boy Tony."

Jay Bilas (7) "Moving on in this tournament has to do with my length and wingspan, which was simply bigger than Dan Patrick's. I think Dan's still got his job at ESPN because he simply fits better behind the desk and he has more hair. Though I would argue, as would Coach K, that I am clearly better looking."

Dan Patrick (10) "In the world of sports, there's no one more recognized, more respected, than myself, DAN PATRICK. It's why I have a radio show every day from 1-4, it's why I host the 6 pm Sportscenter. It's also why I humiliated Jeremy Roenick or dressed down T.O. on the radio once...I am Dan Patrick, and I am God here at ESPN. I will always have a place in Bristol history, folks."

Bill Walton (3) "I was terrrrrible...just terrrrrible! I am a big man who can clearrrrrly take it to the hole and yet you put insist that I am bad...that's just awful. HORRIBLE. Terrible. And by the way, wasn't I just WONDERFUL, INCREDIBLE on ABC's broadcasts of the NBA Finals...I just threw it DOWN, big man!"

Merrill Hoge (14) "I have come here to this press conference simply to apologize for the way I dress. I let Tom Tolbert & Tim Legler take me shopping one weekend and I simply can't stop buying these suits. They convinced me that a white guy could pull this off but I finally realize...I look absolutely ridiculous. I am sorry."

Bill Curry (6) "Winning this match up and moving on reminds of a story that Coach Lombardi once told me when I was an offensive lineman in 1937 up in Ottawa. He said 'Bill, I don't like you very much, you preach a lot and annoy me, and someday, millions of people won't like you much either--but be strong. Take it like a man...and keep telling the same damn stories over and over'...that was one of my strongest memories of Coach Lombardi and his wisdom for me."

Al Michaels (11) "Folks, thank you. After all my years of hard work and dedication at ABC Sports, you have shown me your appreciation by hating Bill Curry more than me. I am truly touched and may begin to cry profusely."

--Alex R.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 06:46 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar subregional results

Final Score: Irvin 73, Wilbon 6

Michael Irvin ran away with this one like he was Jerry Rice or somebody, dashing out to a 22-0 lead and coasting from there. Michael Wilbon is on vacation and could not be reached for comment.

Final Score: Bilas 41, Patrick 38

A barnburner! Jay Bilas, in typical Duke style, went out to a big lead, blew it, and still managed to pull it out in the end. I would blame the officials, but that's me. Patrick plans to celebrate by going to TGI Friday's and having a Coors. Bilas should lose easily in the next round.

Final Score: Walton 56, Hoge 14

Bill Walton went out 16-0 and built the lead from there. Hoge was too busy trying to explain to Jaworski how the Steelers should have beaten the Patriots to care.

Final Score: Curry 50, Michaels 15

Do you believe in upsets? No! Bill Curry handily beat Al Michaels without any help from your judge, who hates Bill Curry with the fire of a million suns. Michaels will be keeping a close eye on if Curry can stay within twelve votes of Walton.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 09:16 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

July 19, 2005

Postgame press conference highlights III

Stephen A. Smith (1) "I told ya...I told ya...I told ya I was the better man!"

(Reporter) "But Stephen, you lost and are advancing because everyone hates you!"

(SAS) "What!? Then everyone is bunch of damned fools. It's Greg Anthony's fault. I can't explain it. People obviously cannot handle an intelligent, sexy & well dressed black man like myself. Whatever...this press conference is o-v-e-r...time for me to go & ring Iverson up on his cell and take the man out for some drinks-PEACE!"

Hank Goldberg (16) "Vegas laid 40:1 odds against me and I was correct in pointing out that it was a humid day, about 89, wind blowing in, rookie quarterback starting. I laid the odds and came home to roost."

Paul Maguire (8) "Let me tell you something... Do you think I don't want to not win this? I want you to watch something now... Watch this! [Moons reporters.]

J.A. Adande (9) "What did I tell you...what did I tell Mariotti & Paige...people love me. Hello, even Kobe respects me now because of my face time on Around the Horn. I said Maguire was going down and I still have a job. You people should listen to me more often."

William C. Rhoden (4) "I spoke to Richard Williams, Terrell Owens, Allen Iverson and Barry Bonds; they are all in agreement with me that this is conspiracy. A conspiracy against a black man from the northeast. "

Mike Greenberg (13) "Thank God...now Golic owes me 50 bucks and I can finally leave here and get a much needed spa treatment and pedicure. Plus, my skin is feeling a bit dry--does anyone have any lotion available?"

Jim Rome (5) "Where are the clones when you need them? Clones, Rome is burning now because I am advancing in this tournament. I competed in the name of Pat Tillman and that still meant nothing? This thing was rigged, maybe even fixed. Thanks for the vine. War Bristol. War my goatee. War the Gouchos. Rome out."

Jim Donnan (12) "Look here, boy...I do not appreciate being compared to an evil, southern sheriff. It's time I teach all you reporter boys a lesson. We are gonna go down to Miss May's, have some delicious mint julep pie and then I will whip the stuffin' out of each and every one of ya."

-- Alex R. w/Mac T.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 03:09 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Kobe Bryant Subregional results

Final Score: Smith 78, Goldberg 3

Though not able to achieve the suspected shutout, Stephen A. Smith handily defeated Hank Goldberg in the biggest blowout of the tournament so far. Goldberg was at the track and could not be reached.

Final Score: Maguire 45, Adande 38

Let me tell you something. You see this here? This here is a comeback. Buried early, Paul Maguire rallied in the second half, putting away J. A. Adande and ending the ATH run. He'll have a tough road against Smith in the second round, though.

Final Score: Rhoden 44, Greenberg 29

Vulnerable 4 seed William C. Rhoden held off Mike Greenberg, who was too busy choosing new ties to care.

Final Score: Rome 75 Donnan 9

To no one's surprise, Jim Rome laid the smackdown on Jim Donnan in the battle of guys who have nothing in common but their first names and being carbon-based life forms. Donnan was reached but I couldn't understand what he said. Rome has to be favored to pull the mild upset in the second round.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 08:57 AM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

July 18, 2005

Game Fifteen: Bill Walton vs. Merrill Hoge (Kareem Abdul-Jabbar subregional)

3. Bill Walton

The Crimes:

Versus

14. Merrill Hoge

The Crimes:

Voting now closed, results to come...

Posted by Mac Thomason at 09:11 AM | Comments (71) | TrackBack

Game Fourteen: Jay Bilas vs. Dan Patrick (Kareem Abdul-Jabbar subregional)

7. Jay Bilas

The Crimes:

versus

10. Dan Patrick

The Crimes:

Voting now closed, results to come...

Posted by Mac Thomason at 09:08 AM | Comments (79) | TrackBack

Game Thirteen: Michael Irvin vs. Michael Wilbon (Kareem Abdul-Jabbar subregional)

2. Michael Irvin

The Crimes:

Versus

15. Michael Wilbon

The Crimes:

Voting now closed, results to come...

Posted by Mac Thomason at 09:05 AM | Comments (80) | TrackBack

July 15, 2005

Game Twelve: Jim Rome vs. Jim Donnan (Kobe Bryant subregional)

5. Jim Rome

1_rome.jpg

The Crimes:

Versus

12. Jim Donnan

The Crimes:

Voting closed, results to come.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 02:35 PM | Comments (87) | TrackBack

Game Eleven: William C. Rhoden vs. Mike Greenberg (Kobe Bryant subregional)

4. William C. Rhoden

rhoden_184.jpg

The Crimes:

Versus

13. Mike Greenberg

The Crimes:

Voting closed, results to come.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 02:34 PM | Comments (76) | TrackBack

Game Ten: Paul Maguire vs. J. A. Adande (Kobe Bryant subregional)

8. Paul Maguire

The Crimes:

versus

9. J. A. Adande

The Crimes:

Voting closed, results to come.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 02:33 PM | Comments (83) | TrackBack

Game Nine: Stephen A. Smith vs. Hank Goldberg (Kobe Bryant subregional)

1. Stephen A. Smith

Stephen_a_smith.jpg

The Crimes: