September 02, 2005
Ladies and Gentlemen, your champion
Scott 85, Bayless 81
It was tight, but Stu Scott is the first winner of the Road From Bristol. I should probably send a congratulatory pipe bomb or something. As for those of you who wonder how the devil himself could lose, I give you this closeup of Stu Scott's mysterious eye:
We'll have an announcement later today about our next project.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 09:41 AM | Comments (19) | TrackBack
August 29, 2005
The Championship
1. Stuart Scott
Defeated Scott Van Pelt, 123-8
Defeated John Kruk, 111-35
Defeated Jim Gray, 78-32
Defeated Joe Morgan, 85-51
Defeated Tony Reali, 107-23
Closing Statements:
"Scott is pretty much ESPN's mascot and represents everything that is wrong with the network's direction. The ultimate triumph of style over substance. He deserves his place in the Final." -- Adam
"Every new anchor on Sportscenter wants to be him, and that's damning enough to get him to the next round." -- Mike O.
"Stuart Scott is the devil. It offends me as someone with a journalism degree that he is considered part of the media." -- David
"As if to highlight every level of suck he can achieve his co-host/bitch for this Sunday was the excellent Fred Hickman. I should point out that Stuyeah has interrupted at least half of Hickman's segments (which shows that he really does think he's funny and interesting) ...constantly yelling AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE FUCK HE IS SAYING. Chewbacca is more understandable. Sad and pathetic thing is, its fake. Every word that comes out of his fake "ghetto" ass is fake. Fake. Phoney. Poser." -- Bill T.
"I hate the playa and I hate the game." -- Eric J.
"Stu! The only time I enjoyed him on Sportscenter was when he looked uncomfortable for the whole Sportscenter after Duke won the NCAA title in 01. Booyah!" -- mjp
"He's a wanna-be. He made one comment that got a chuckle (this was years and years ago)and now all he tries to do is make never ending jokes that only make you uncomfortable and want to crush his skull in." -- Todd
"Chris Berman opened the floodgates for the personality first, sports second mentality of ESPN personnel, but Stuart Scott made his life's goal to find out exactly where the nth degree was, and brought along disciples like Statboy with him. For the ruination of a network, Stuart, we who are about to change the channel salute you." -- Chris
"The only way he'd look good is if ESPN went to a three man desk and his partners were SAS and Bayless. Of course, if that ever happened I'd have to blow up the ESPN studio secure in the knowledge that no jury in the world would ever convict me after watching five minutes of these guys." -- Andy
"Here's the thing with Stu...his shtick never made any sense. I know a lot of old, cranky white guys who get all red in the face whenever they hear about Pookie and Ray-Ray. They hate Stuart Scott. I also know a lot of people like myself who, while Caucasian, are not crankly old racists. We just think Scott's act is tired and lame and has as much street cred as David Alan Grier's newsman in "I'm Gonna Get You Sucka". We hate Stuart Scott. I don't have my ear to the ground in predominantly black neighborhoods, but if I recognize the lameness of his act, I can't imagine Scott appeals to anyone there.
"So, what are we left with? Scott appeals to old, stupid white guys who want to believe they are hip. So he says some stupid bullshit about "The Lord said you gotta rise up!" and "Cool as the other side of the pillow" and those old doofuses nod their heads and think of how hip they are for being in touch with urban America. mark Shapiro is that old white doofus.
"For crimes against sports and television, and for making me have to listen to cranky old white racists bitching about black sportscasters (ignoring the Fred Hickmans of the world in the process), Stuart Scott wins this one." -- Mike
"I'll be honest, for most of my Sportscenter watching days I never realized that Scott was trying to speak in "street" slang. Call me naive, but I thought his phrases were just weird jokes that didn't really make sense. That was annoying enough, but one day a couple years ago, not coincidentally right before swearing off the show altogether, something clicked and I recognized his shtick for what it's attempting to be... God almighty that is awful. Just awful. He nearly singlehandedly made the show that got me watching ESPN in the first place utterly unwatchable. He is wretched. Perhaps not quite into Stephen A./Bayless territory, but definitely worthy of a Final Four bid. To the Finals with you, Scott. May someone with actual "street" cred beat the hell out of you in an ally for your tired poserness on the way there." -- Pat
"Stuart Scott - and anyone that refers to him as a "Sportscaster" or "Journalist" should be given the Clockwork Orange treatment and have their eyes taped open and forced to listen to this sophomoric vitriol that is an offense to humanity. Remember the three "S"'s -
Stuart Scott Sucks. Badly." -- BillH
"The Typhoid Mary of ESPN. He came onto the scene, infected all his fellow SportsCenter anchors with faux attitude and soon wiped out all traces of competence at the Worldwide Sports Leader. And now, the living envy the dead. Or at least, _I_ envy the dead when I have to suffer through Scott narrating a Royals-A's highlight.
"Boo-yeah? Boo-no." -- Phil
"I vote for Stu because he continually mentions me on Sportscenter. Hopefully my cool side will smother him one night so I don't have to hear the outdated reference again.
"Thank you
"Stuart Scott's Pillow" -- Bob
"At one point in my life, I liked Stuart Scott. Then I graduated from high school. Mr. Scott, you're history." -- Craig Barker
"Battling insomnia, I was laying in bed the other night pondering "The Road To Bristol". Sad, but true. Anyway, in the midst of tossing and turning I started pondering the temperature of my pillow. It was then I figured out why Stuey is such a complete tool. The other side of your pillow really isn't that cool.
"Yes, it might be relatively cooler than the side your head is using, but in the pantheon of cool things, pillows really don't qualify. Like if you were on the old "$25,000 Pyramid" game show and the category was "Things That Are Cool," you'd have to be pretty lame to say "the other side of your pillow" as one of your clues." -- Miles Cannon
"His gimmick was cute when he first started. But then espn decided to hire people based on catch phrases. I understand he wasnt the first to do it, but he certainly "perfected" it. Honestly, it wouldn't be so bad if catch phrases weren't used in every single god forsaken highlight not just on espn, but on any sport highlight. This is more stuart scott's fault than anyone else." -- Rob
Versus
2. Skip Bayless
Destroyed Kirk Herbstreit 110-8
Obliterated Chris Fowler 110-2
Annihilated Larry Bowa, 90-6
Defeated Jay Mariotti, 69-21
Defeated Stephen A. Smith, 102-100
"ESPN found a man who makes you root for Woody Paige on First & Ten and SAS on Old School/Nu Skool. That's all that needs to be said." -- mike
"I want to root for the Old School in these debates - I think many of us do. The problem is - Skip Bayless is just so god-awfully bad at this. He's wrong - a lot. He makes that awful lemon-face whenever SAS makes any sort of point. He interrupts to make a point that usually hurts his argument. Skippy does everything he can - to lose. SAS can't match it.
"Look at who else Skippy makes looks good:
"Woody Paige (this is one hell of an accomplishment right there)
"Jay Crawford (and it shows how deep the ESPN "talent" pool is that he isn't in this tourney)
"Jim Rome (Skip Bayless subs for him on his radio show - and makes Rome sound like Jim McKay by comparison).
"Any columnist at ESPN.com - even Dan Shanoff - Mr. Daily Quickie
"And those are just the direct comparisons. " -- djcolts
"He is, without a doubt, the most hateful person in all of national sports broadcasting. Unlike some, who just show blatant biases towards a team or person (I'm looking at you Dick Vitale), Bayless has never met an athlete or team whom he couldn't tear down. ESPN's newest special should be Skip in gladiator-style combat versus lions, only with Skip handcuffed and beaten first. This would beat the Super Bowl." -- Andy
"Andy - I have to disagree with the gladiator idea, because lions would do the job far far too quickly. I propose rabid rats instead. Only not too many of them. This thing has to last long enough for Janet's boob to pop out, after all." -- Tim
"Stephen A. Smith is a loud, screeching, irritating moron. Bayless is a loud, screeching, irritating moron who is also THE EMBODIMENT OF ALL THAT IS EVIL." -- Adam
"If he tried to defend the Nazis for their actions in the Holocaust, I'd probably say, 'Yeah, that's about right for this guy.'" -- CJ
"So bad that even 30 seconds of looking at anything he says or writes causes my brain to short-circuit in protest. His column yesterday about weed and alcohol almost made me cry, it was so stupid." -- Jenny
"No one likes Bayless, not even his own mother." -- Smitty
"I hate Skip Bayless. I hate his weird ugly face. I hate his ridiculous tan. I hate the cadence in his voice. I hate the way his head bobs around and his eyes bug open when he talks. I hate his writing. I hate his moronic opinions on everything, that can be so stupid they make you wonder if his feeble mind is even capable of the slightest bit of the thought process found in a normal human. I hate that he is an arrogant a-hole about his idiotic opinions. I hate that he's on a show where he makes Woody effing Paige seem like the voice of reason. I hate that he is ever an any other show for any reason or any amount of time.
"There is no way to properly describe the hatred that I have for Skip Bayless. It is an intense, seething emotion that cannot be quantified and cannot be replicated with any other personality. There is no one whose presense elicits the aura of wretched, vile, contemptible scum like Skip Bayless. (That's a vote for Bayless)." -- Sam
"Bayless is an equal-opportunity Reaper, beckoning all but the most strong-willed peoples with his skeletal finger, slowly but efficiently filling hearts with hatred and disdain until they unwittingly find themselves face to face with Charon. And without a coin." -- TheBentKangaroo
"Just the epitome of all the sportswriters who just don't seem to like sports, always look for the negative, try to tear EVERYONE down, and make my sports fan experience that much more frustrating. Hopefully some day Sarah Michelle Gellar will show up at ESPN and whack his head off with a big-ass sword." -- Devin McCullen
"The most sour individual I've ever heard or read. He finds a new twist or angle to remove all the joy and pleasure from every sporting event that occurs. He is the antithesis of every reason to watch sports in the first place, and this fool has a prime spot at 'The WorldWide Leader.'" -- Dryden
"As has already been said by many others, Bayless just seems to be an angry, bitter little man. Nothing is too good for him to try to tear down. His columns are spiteful for no apparent reason other than no one else has taken that particular side in an argument." -- BDouglas
"When I first started reading Bayless's columns, I tried emailing him legitimate questions about his work (ex. he wrote an article about the greatest athlete ever without even mentioning Babe Didrikson - who writes about all-around athletes, mentions Jim Thorpe, and not Didrikson? Someone who knows NOTHING about sports and sports history, that's who).
"When I got no responses, I tried bashing him. No dice. I've since stopped trying to reason, since ESPN probably has several staff dedicated to deleting Skip's email, fellating his ego, and turning off his tanning bed. Ok, maybe they need to hire another person to cover that tanning bed." -- Will
"He seems to genuinely hate his job. Unfortunately, his job is to talk to me. I don't usually go around hoping that bad things happen to people, but I really do hope he gets fired." -- Sansho1
"I've known 'fans' like Bayless all my life. He is so intent on feeling smug and superior that he can't ever say the conventional thing, or support the home team, even if that is the correct view. He has to be contrarian; it's pathological; not being so is easy, lazy and wrong. And years and years of such negativity have sucked whatever joy he might have once felt following sports. In fact, voting for him is almost a pity vote: he'd probably feel better no longer having to be that person." -- Brad
"In his column yesterday about the evils of liquor (which actually made me turn to the bottle for relief), Skip let it slip that his addictions include weight-lifting and running. He apparently left out 'consuming human souls.'" -- Phil
"Skip Bayless eats babies." -- mtvcdm
"I had a dream the other night where I was asking Jay Mariotti if Bayless was really that bad and he just ... shivered. I swear. Also, he was married to that chick from Farscape and we were all on a reality hiking race show or something. Yes I have weird dreams." -- Sharon
"Bayless eats your soul through his columns and appearances and general existance. He must be stopped, for all our sakes. He is so evil that every time you read one of his columns, God kills a kitten." -- Pat
"The most vile, negative, hateful, bitter, spiteful little turd that has ever graced the airwaves." -- Mike G.
"In the last round, there was a joke that he would find a way to disparage the Miracle on Ice. Well, it is a joke no more. A quote from an actual article he wrote about hockey (a sport he hates--yes, I'm also shocked he hates it):
"'It wouldn't have mattered if the United States and Soviets had been playing charades that night. The point was that a bunch of no-hope college kids from America shocked a pro juggernaut from our Cold War rival.'
"Yes, if the US college kids had beaten the mighty Soviets in charades, or Tiddly Winks, or Hungry Hungry Hippos, I'm sure it would have had the exact same impact. I can see Kurt Russell starring in a movie as a scrappy Othello player, beating the evil empire. What a jackass. This is why everyone hates you." -- Chris
"Mariotti, Paige, LeBatard, they're all accolytes of the Skip Bayless school of journalism. Skip is the first columnist to openly loathe the sports he covers, and many have followed since." -- Chris [A different one.]
"One thing that struck me was that even SAS was rendered mute against Bayless. Smith got all quiet and reserve like he was a puppy who just had an accident on the floor when arguing with Skippy.
"Bayless is the devil, even SAS knows." -- Dewey
"So hateful that seeing his image raises my blood pressure." -- Fed up with ESPN
"Bayless spends every minute of every day hating everything. That's all he does. He goes out of his way to get people to disagree with him." -- J. Rauch
"Bayless hates everything and everyone. He sucks the oxygen out of any fun that sport has to offer. The only reason Rome lets him host on radio is that Rome looks great in comparison." -- JimBoHanna
"The road to hell maybe paved with good intentions, but the roads in hell are probably paved with the pained voice of Skip Bayless, repeating in endless loop why it's the Eagles fault TO behaves the way he does. That and asbestos." -- Clarke
Finally... You can't pick and choose: Cult of Basebaal, Complete
Voting is now closed. Results coming soon.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 08:12 AM | Comments (196) | TrackBack
August 26, 2005
Results: National Semifinals (Game Two)
Bayless 102, Smith 100
Wow. The absolute game of the tournament. I'm not certain about the final totals; there may be some "undervotes" where I scored a vote as a null where it should have been for one or the other. But I'm certain that this was a close win for Bayless by 2-5 votes.
Someone mentioned Farscape, which reminds me where else I've seen Bayless:
Posted by Mac Thomason at 10:34 AM | Comments (30) | TrackBack
August 25, 2005
Results: National Semifinals (Game One)
Scott 107, Reali 23
While a war rages on in the other semi, Stuart Scott easily handled lower seeded Stat Boy in a matchup that was never close. Will the rest do him good against the winner of the Smith/Bayless duel? Well, since this isn't that sort of tournament, probably not.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 08:22 AM | Comments (17) | TrackBack
August 23, 2005
Stephen A. Smith vs. Skip Bayless
1. Stephen A. Smith, Champion, Los Angeles Lakers Regional
Defeated Hank Goldberg 78-3
Defeated Paul Maguire 115-26
Defeated Jim Rome, 81-40
Defeated Michael Irvin, 83-15
Versus
2. Skip Bayless, Champion, Duke Blue Devils Regional
Destroyed Kirk Herbstreit 110-8
Obliterated Chris Fowler 110-2
Annihilated Larry Bowa, 90-6
Defeated Jay Mariotti, 69-21
Voting is now closed. Results coming after I compile all these votes.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 12:16 PM | Comments (254) | TrackBack
SportsCentury And Beyond: Skip Bayless
CHRIS FOWLER: I'm Chris Fowler, and welcome to SportsCentury. Of the many, many untelegenic sportswriters ESPN has brought into our homes over the years, few if any have garnered as much attention as Skip Bayless. Words used to describe him include "plastic", "venomous", "rancid", and "satanic". Clearly, Skip Bayless arouses strong feelings. But who, exactly, is Skip Bayless?
JENNY: He should quit the sportswriting business and go to Hollywood to play antagonistic roles in TV movies based on Stephen King novels. He wouldn't need makeup or coaching, and then he'd be confined to channels like Spike and USA, which I never watch anyway.
SKIP BAYLESS: Why are you looking into my background? Who are you working for?
PAT: Judging from what I've seen, heard, and read, Skip Bayless is one of the few people in the world that I truly, genuinely hate. He sucks the soul out of anything remotely enjoyable in the world of sports, and seems to honestly think he's somehow better than we mindless cattle who enjoy and admire things like Lance Armstrong's Tour victories and Steve Young's career.
FOWLER: There are many mysteries in Skip Bayless' life. How old is he? Where was he born? "Skip" can't possibly be his real first name, can it? His biography claims that he was born in Oklahoma and his parents ran a barbecue restaurant in Dallas, but is this really so? All of his birth records were destroyed in a series of mysterious fires.
RICK BAYLESS, "BROTHER": I don't... actually have any memories of growing up with Skip. I know he's my brother, but I don't remember anything about it... It's... strange.
MARGARET BRUNSON, FORMER SIXTH-GRADE SCHOOLTEACHER: I was happy once. Then, one day, there was this child in my class. I knew he had always been there, but...
FOWLER: Small and wizened for his age, the mysterious 13-year-old had no friends, but he liked it that way.
MTVCDM: If I die and go to hell, there will be but one TV. There will be but one sports channel on that TV. And on that one sports channel, Skip Bayless will be screeching, 24 hours a day, for all eternity. And I will ask the demons to cover my ears with some horrific substance to drown him out.
NEWTON: Bayless is soul draining. He makes you want to punch children, just to hear something else other than his whiny, ear splinting voice.
JACK CASEY, CLASSMATE: I didn't really like him, but I always tried to be nice. So I went up to him, being friendly, and yelled at me and said I was obviously on drugs. Okay, I was on ritalin.
SKIP: Jack Casey is a hypocrite and should be shunned by all of humanity.
FOWLER: Skip moved onto high school. Soon afterwards, his elementary school was destroyed in a mysterious fire. He took a job at the school paper.
WILL: Skip Bayless writes and speaks for one purpose only: to amuse himself. It amuses him because he knows that by making statements that make no sense, he can get rises out of other people, from Woody Paige all the way to yours truly.
LARRY ENG, EDITOR: I didn't really want him. He scared me. But he scared everyone. He scared the advisor into making me let him on the staff. I never edited his stuff, I just stuck it in without reading it.
FOWLER: This was a mistake. After his third column, calling for the lynching of the school volleyball team, was published, three students were hospitalized. Larry Eng was sent to juvenile detention, the paper was shut down, the advisor was fired, and yet somehow Skip escaped with no punishment.
ANDY: I think that the only reason Skippy is on so often is to make everyone else look better. While there are many dislikable windbags on ESPN right now, I'd be satisfied with gagging and firing most of them. The problem with Skip is that I'd prefer to see his windpipe crushed and his hands immobilized in concrete to prevent him from ever writing or talking about sports ever again. Perhaps this makes me a bad person, but not only is Skip the type of guy to always discuss the worst about sports, he also brings out the worst in all of the people unfortunate enough to read/hear his stuff.
BRIAN PATTERSON, PRINCIPAL: He convinced me that he was an innocent victim of forces that were out to get him. The same forces that were out to get me. It seems strange, now.
FOWLER: When we return, Skip Bayless becomes a Commodore.
[COMMERCIALS]
FOWLER: When Skip graduated from high school, which soon after burned down in a mysterious fire, he was offered a full scholarship to Vanderbilt University.
SKIP: I was the recipient of the prestigious Fred Russell-Grantland Rice scholarship for sportswriting.
SMITTY: In order to do a good Skip Bayless you have to picture what Grantland Rice or Rick Reilly would say and take away all sense and reason.
NEIL CHESTER, PROFESSOR: It was odd, because it was clear from the beginning that he hated sports and athletes. Well, he hated everything and everyone, but sports especially.
MR. JUCHE: To call Skip Bayless El Diablo is like saying that oxygen is a minor part of the breathing process. It doesn't even come close to adequatedly describing the situation. The human mind has yet to come up with the appropriate words to describe how much I loathe this man. Whenever I see that perpetually scowling scowling creature, it takes all my strength to keep my body from breaking down at the molecular level. He looks like he wants to eat Woody Paige's soul.
JOHN BLOOM, CLASSMATE: I was a year behind Skip; I got the scholarship the next year. All the people at the journalism school were terrified that I might be "like Bayless". I wasn't sure until I read his work.
SKIP: Vandy's sports teams stunk, and I wrote about it, that's all.
BILL PACE, VANDERBILT FOOTBALL HEAD COACH, 1967-72: I was 22-38. Now, that's at Vanderbilt, so it's actually pretty good. Skip Bayless wrote a column claiming that I was a child molester and got me chased out of town.
FOWLER: After raising a mob that burned down the football coach's house, Skip moved on to attacking the basketball, baseball, and track and field coaches.
JAN VAN BREDA KOLFF, CAPTAIN, VANDERBILT BASKETBALL 1973-74: We went 23-5 and won the SEC. Skip Bayless wrote a column saying that we weren't as good as the Knicks.
SKIP: Is he saying that they were as good as the Knicks, now?
CHRIS: He is the '98 Yankees of smarmy writers who hate everything.
BLOOM: I asked him why he wrote about sports if he hated them so much. He... I don't remember much after that.
FOWLER: Skip graduated with honors, though all of his work at Vandy was later destroyed in a mysterious fire. When we return, he begins his professional career.
[COMMERCIALS]
FOWLER: Skip began his sportswriting career with the Miami Herald. His first work was a column claiming that Don Shula had lost it and should be fired.
DON SHULA, HEAD COACH MIAMI DOLPHINS 1970-95: We were 11-3 that year.
SKIP: Yes, but they were 14-0 just two seasons before. He was clearly over the hill.
GREG: Sports through the years, courtesy of Damn Skippy....
"Willie Mays' catch in the 1954 World Series? It stunk! He was clearly out of position before the pitch - a clear sign that he was a loafer who didn't take his defensive assignments seriously. He should've been booed and benched, not glorified and deified."
"John Paxson's NBA Championship-winning jumper? Just proof that Michael Jordan didn't have the balls to take the big shot at crunch time. Michael Jordan ranks #25 on my list of all-time Chicago Bulls, just behind Dennis Hopson and Eric Piatkowski."
FOWLER: After Miami, he moved to Los Angeles, where he's widely credited with increasing Los Angelenos' indifference to sports.
ANTONIO VILLAGROSA, L.A. MAYOR: I am convinced that if it were not for Skip Bayless, we'd still have a football team.
DAN: You know what I would watch? Skip Bayless being mauled by rabid hyenas.
FOWLER: He then returned to Dallas, to write for the Dallas Times-Herald. He soon clashed with local legend Tom Landry.
SKIP: Landry couldn't take the heat is all.
DANNY WHITE, DALLAS COWBOYS QB, 1976-1988: Once, the offensive line had to protect Coach Landry from a mob. I talked to some of the people later, and they said they didn't even remember doing it or how they got there.
FOWLER: In 1991, the Times-Herald ceased publication but Skip moved to the Dallas Morning News.
BILL CARPENTER, EDITOR: We were bought out by the company that owned the Morning News, but Skip really didn't have to burn the building down.
SKIP: It was a Viking funeral.
FOWLER: Skip continued his feud with Landry. He also began a feud with a future local sports legend.
LANCE ARMSTRONG: I was just riding my bike, training, and every day this horrifying spectre would find where I was riding that day and throw things at me as I went by. Once, he threw a live cat.
BRYAN: Skip Bayless seems to be the originator of every stupid sports pundit meme that goes around. I'm convinced he's the source who inspired everyone's "Lance Armstrong is not a great athlete, he's a great endurance athlete" tripe.
FOWLER: Eventually, he moved to Chicago, where he claimed that Michael Jordan was a pansy. He then worked for the San Jose Mercury News where he regularly wrote that Barry Bonds is not only on steroids but is actually a cyborg. When we return, Skip's ramblings come to the attention of ESPN.
[COMMERCIALS]
FOWLER: In its early days, the ESPN program "The Sports Reporters" was sometimes shrill but often entertaining and informative. All that changed when Skip Bayless entered the picture.
CHRIS: I remember in the early '90's when I was in high school and ESPN was fairly enjoyable. I liked watching the Sports Reporters with Dick Schaap. Even though I didn't agree with a lot of the people he had on his show I liked everyone, Mike Lupica, Tony Kornheiser, Bill Conlin, Mitch Albom, Michael Wilbon, William Rhoden, Bob Ryan and so on. It was generally not a shoutfest but a decent discussion of sports with the occasional schtick by Ryan or Kornheiser. One day this all changed, that was the day that this little evil man from some paper in Dallas came on the show and completely slobbered all over Jimmy Johnson and Jerry Jones's nuts while also insulting them.
JEREMY SCHAAP, ESPN: Dad didn't want Bayless on, but the producers did. Well, I say "want", but really he scared them into it.
FOWLER: Somehow, Skip's presence changed "The Sports Reporters". The other panelists began to change as well. Tony Kornheiser stopped paying attention to sports at all. William C. Rhoden talked even slower and made everything about race. Bill Conlin got fatter. Ralph Wiley went insane. Mike Lupica just got more like Mike Lupica.
MIKE LUPICA: Skip convinced me that the public loved me and wanted more of me. There would have been no "Mike Lupica Show" had he not given me confidence.
FOWLER: Somehow convinced that the new direction of "The Sports Reporters" was the way to go, the producers of ESPN approached Skip with a show idea. However, there was no one yet willing to partner with him on a daily basis, so instead "Pardon The Interruption" went on the air with Kornheiser teaming with Michael Wilbon.
MATT: Bayless is the utlimate immovable object, the cliched sports-columnist-as-provacateur whose appearances all over ESPN will be exceeded only by the mass bewilderment among network execs as to the reasons why the Fall of Bristol came so suddenly.
TONY REALI: There was a test done, actually, with him teaming with Lupica. I cried myself to sleep that night. Well, I do that every night, but more than usual.
FOWLER: Soon, there were sportswriters willing, even eager, to work with Skip.
STEPHEN A. SMITH: Skip Bayless is my role model!
WOODY PAIGE: I LOVE SKIP BAYLESS. IF IT WASN'T FOR HIM UNSIGHTLY PEOPLE, LIKE ME, WHO YELL AT EVERYBODY, WOULDN'T HAVE GOTTEN OUR FAIR SHAKE!
FOWLER: When ESPN2 launched a new morning show, "Cold Pizza", it was decided that Skip would take part.
SHARON: What horrible, terrible things did America do to deserve him on our televisions every day? I wouldn't want to punch him because I'm afraid my hand would disintegrate from contact with his face. He's like a radioactive demon, spewing poison through our screens. Satan himself cowers in terror every time a new Skip Bayless column is published.
MARK SHAPIRO, FORMER VP OF PROGRAMMING, ESPN CORPORATE: I figured that listening to Skip Bayless in the morning would wake anyone up!
DELRANDALL: I'm pretty sure you could fund a program to eliminate world hunger forever by offering to let people kick Bayless in the nuts for a dollar each. Why is he still on the air? How much peyote do they eat during those meetings where they decide not to fire this unholy fucktard?
FOWLER: Bayless finally had a true counterpart in Woody Paige. Soon, the two were given their own show, "1st And 10".
MICHAEL POWELL, FORMER HEAD, FCC: When we were considering regulating cable television broadcasts, "1st And 10" was always the first example anyone gave.
SMITTY: On "First and Ten," when Skip has to go three-and-out, wouldn't it be great if they brought in Mr.T to punt Skip?
DJCOLTS: He has a sour lemon-face when he talks. He makes Woody Paige look sympathetic on Cold Pizza. He makes Stephen A. Smith look reasonable in Old School/Nu Skool because he's wrong so often and so obnoxious in his pathetic, whiny arguments (this is a HOF accomplishment in terms of this bracket - no one else can do that - and I'll expand on this in the next round when the real championship will be decided). He makes Dan Shanoff of Daily Quickie fame look like a Pultizer Prize winner compared to his ridiculously lousy columns.
CULT OF BASEBAAL: PRUNE OF E-VIL!
CLAP, CLAP, CLAPCLAPCLAP
PRUNE OF E-VIL!
CLAP, CLAP, CLAPCLAPCLAP
FOWLER: What does the future hold for Skip Bayless? Will his skull pop out of his skin? Will he bring about Armageddon? Will the ESPN facilities in New York burn down mysteriously? Only time will tell. For SportsCentury, I'm Chris Fowler.
-- Mac T.
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance between this work and any events or persons, living or dead, save for the purposes of parody, is coincidental.
Don't vote in this entry. Voting for Smith vs. Bayless starts Tuesday.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 12:02 PM | Comments (10) | TrackBack
August 22, 2005
SportsCentury And Beyond: Stephen A. Smith
[SportsCentury theme]
CHRIS FOWLER: Hello, I'm Chris Fowler. Not too long ago, few outside Philadelphia had ever heard of Stephen A. Smith. Now, he's a ubiquitous presence on our televisions, our radios, and our lives. Many ask: Who is Stephen A. Smith? What's his problem? Why is he yelling at us?
MATT: ESPN and the media at large have given Smith an amount of influence that far outweighs his ability. His yelling and carrying on is not journalism or even entertainment; it's proof that he needs to be fitted for paper slippers.
FOWLER: Stephen Anthony Smith was born in New York in 1968. From the beginning, the most important organ in his body was his mouth.
FELICIA SMITH, MOTHER: Stephen was always small for his age. I guess it's partially my fault, but he was so busy yelling and screaming all the time that he couldn't shut up long enough to eat.
STEPHEN A. SMITH: These days I don't even bother to eat. I get all of my nutrition through an IV!
DAVID: I swear this guy's on steroids. He's screaming 24/7 and he's always so tensed up and I swear I have never seen this guy laugh or crack a smile. He's on the juice no doubt about it.
FOWLER: Stephen grew up in a nurturing environment in Queens. However, his effusive nature got the better of him.
JANET: One day, I don't know how, he got up on the roof. He was pretending to be Walt Frazier and he tried a crossover move and fell off.
FOWLER: Luckily, no bones were broken, as he hit his head, the hardest part of his body. However, there were consequences.
STEPHEN: Ever since that day I haven't been able to control the volume of my voice!
PHIL: Even if he vowed to never speak another word above a whisper again in his miserable life -- from my keyboard to God's ears, I hope -- I'd still have to vote for Stephen A. Smith for popularizing the newest dance craze that's sweeping the nation -- the Jackass Shuffle.
FOWLER: In classes, Stephen was such a disruptive presence that special measures had to be taken.
ANNE ROGERS, HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER: We all knew that Stephen had some sort of problem with his mouth, but it wasn't fair to the other students. Finally, we locked him in an empty room and taught him through an audio feed. A one-way audio feed.
STEPHEN: I was still loud enough that the teachers were able to hear all of my questions and answers! Ha ha ha!
FOWLER: Stephen took to basketball from an early age. But basketball didn't take to Stephen.
ANTOINE COLES, HIGH SCHOOL TEAMMATE: Man, I know you expect some talking on the court. But Steve just wouldn't shut up at all, and it's really hard to play when your teammate is yelling in your ear the whole time. We finally got coach to bench him.
MIKE WALLACE, COACH: Man, that was a mistake. "Put me in coach, put me in, put me in." Finally I put him in and left him in, I couldn't take sitting next to him any more.
FOWLER: Playing all 32 minutes a game, Stephen soon developed a jump shot but also the knowledge that he could get anything he wanted if he was loud enough. When we return, Stephen goes south.
[COMMERCIALS]
FOWLER: As a joke, his high school coach recommended Stephen to legendary coach Clarence "Big House" Gaines at Winston-Salem State.
GAINES: I'll get him for that someday.
FOWLER: Stephen was an adequate player but Gaines thought him more trouble than he was worth. To the relief of the entire team, Stephen eventually blew out his knee, ending his career.
STEPHEN: I wanted to rehab but the doctors all said that it wasn't worth it. I later found out that all of my teammates paid them to say that!
FOWLER: Searching for a new direction, Stephen soon had an insight.
STEPHEN: I thought, "Everybody says I know how to talk. I'll do television!"
MIKE O.: In a better world, Smith would be lucky to host a radio show in Hicksville, Ohio.
FOWLER: However, television jobs are hard to come by. Stephen needed an in. Soon, a professor would give him an idea.
WALTER BARMAN, WRITING PROFESSOR: I told him that he was a born sportswriter... I meant that as an insult.
FOWLER: Stephen didn't take it that way. Soon, he was working for the Winston-Salem Journal.
KEVIN GRIMES, JOURNAL SPORTS EDITOR: This guy limps into my office, starts yelling, and won't leave until I give him a job. So I called security. But he kept coming back in and eventually it was easier to pay him than to get a restraining order. I had him cover soccer, because it was the lowest sport on the totem pole.
STEPHEN: I know nothing about soccer!
FOWLER: While people didn't like Stephen's work that much, his "attitude" soon got him recognition. He moved to other papers in the southeast, then eventually to the New York Daily News. In 1994, the Philadelphia Inquirer hired him to cover Temple football, which soon angered Temple's most famous alumnus.
BILL COSBY, TEMPLE, 1971: These young sportswriters today with the suits and the yelling and the going on television...
FOWLER: Cosby's repeated letters to the editor did not receive the desired result. Simply to annoy Cosby, the editors promoted Stephen and gave him a more prominent role. When a spot for a columnist opened up, Stephen was ready to pounce, badgering his editor into giving him the job.
JIM JENKS, INQUIRER SPORTS EDITOR: He's a columnist because he has the loudest voice.
CHRIS: Even his column in The Philadelphia Inquirer is loud. And pointless. You can practically hear the inanity screaming at you from the mailbox.
FOWLER: When we return, television beckons.
[COMMERCIALS]
FOWLER: In 1999, Stephen was reportedly hired by a sports network called "CNN/SI", though no record of this network now exists.
AZNEMESIS: God, if only cnnsi had survived, maybe he'd still be in exile there, and David Aldridge would be giving us intelligent NBA commentary on ESPN.
NEWTON: Somebody should have been shot for placing him on TV.
FOWLER: In 2000, he moved to Fox Sports.
TOM ARNOLD, FOX SPORTS, 2001-04: I wanted to have him on "The Best Damn Sports Show Period" because I'm really into irony. I wanted to know if I could make the show as bad as possible while giving it that name. I think I succeeded. And I know a lot of people find Steve annoying, but I found him refreshing. Of course, I used to be married to Roseanne.
FOWLER: An even bigger break would come in summer of 2003.
MARK SHAPIRO, FORMER EXEC VP, ESPN: I was doing some blow in the bathroom at the Espys with Tom Arnold, and his cell phone goes off. Even from across the room, I could hear that voice loud and clear, and I knew I had to hire its owner.
ADAM: Why in the hell is Stephen A. on TV? Because he's a mediocre writer who yells a lot and throws out outrageous ideas to hide his lack of knowledge? What the hell ESPN?
FOWLER: Stephen was hired by ESPN as an NBA analyst, as the network took over NBA coverage under a new contract.
SHAPIRO: My theory is that you should hire people whom the viewers would notice. You can get really good people, I guess, but they're rare and expensive, so I concentrate on hiring annoying people.
STEPHEN: I wasn't sure what ESPN wanted, but Shapiro told me to just be myself. [cries] Nobody ever said that to me before!
FOWLER: Stephen achieved Shapiro's desired result. Everywhere, NBA fans were complaining about ESPN's coverage, and Stephen in particular. Shapiro knew he had what he wanted.
SHAPIRO: Stephen was so annoying that everyone was talking about our coverage. I knew I couldn't sit still, and I had to make an aggressive move.
SHARON: It boggles the mind to think that ESPN higher-ups could listen to him speak for 5 minutes and decide that we need MORE of this guy.
FOWLER: Shapiro wanted to expand Stephen's presence on the network. To do that, someone had to go. He chose ESPN's longtime and well-respected basketball reporter David Aldridge.
SHAPIRO: Sure, he was good, but he wasn't in my face!
PAT: ESPN's NBA coverage was pretty bad before Smith came on, but to replace the only competent commentator with.....that? He also plays the race card and mocks European players' names in the same rant. What a bastard.
DAVID ALDRIDGE, TNT: Mark my words, I will have my revenge.
FOWLER: Smith also began taking part in the famous "Old School/Nu Skool" segments on SportsCenter with Skip Bayless.
SKIP BAYLESS, PANDEMONIUM: Sure, he beats me on a regular basis, but could he beat Lincoln or Douglas? No way.
STEPHEN: I'm just louder!
J. RAUCH: I had the misfortune of turning on the ALLTERRELLOWENSALLTHETIME-Center on Sunday morning right when these two were going to discuss the most talked about story in sports. I thought my head was going to explode.
MATT: Among the endless parade of eardrum-battering shriekers ESPN inflicts upon us, he's right there with Paige as the most obnoxious.
FOWLER: When we return, Stephen talks frankly.
[COMMERCIALS]
FOWLER: After another year of NBA coverage, Shapiro wanted to make Smith even more of a presence on the network. The solution: Stephen's own show, daily, on ESPN2.
CULT OF BASEBALL: The reach of Screamin' A has been spreading more insidiously than the post-war communist plot to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.
ANDY: For some inexplicable reason SAS is now one of the main head's of ESPN's evil hydra (Scott, Berman, Vitale, SAS) that is intent of dragging down a network that actually used to give you highlights. ATH and it's brethren are avoidable, particularly if you work during the day, but between those 4 guys there is no escape at night and at big sporting events.
SHAPIRO: At first, I wanted to make it two hours a day, but I was talked down to one. If I'd stayed on, it would have gone to ninety minutes next year.
FOWLER: At first, many thought "Quite Frankly with Stephen A. Smith" must be a joke.
JMONEY: ESPN gave that hunchbacked, Tourette's afflicted, mutant toad his own show? Come on.
FOWLER: But soon, promos were running. This show was actually going to air!
STEPHEN: I knew that I had to say something controversial in the promos, so I said that the New England Patriots are a good team!
TOM BRADY, QB, NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS: Really, Stephen A. Smith thinks we're good? Wow, thank him for me. The three Super Bowl titles in the last four years really weren't enough.
DJCOLTS: I really hate Stephen A.'s promos for Quite Frankly - especially that idiotic little dance he does and the lack of content in them (Gee, the Patriots are good? No Way! Gee, the Lakers aren't going to win the title next year even with Phil Jackson back? No Way! Thanks, Mr. Obvious!).
FOWLER: Also added to the campaign was a glimpse of Smith's dancing skills.
STEPHEN: I am a demon on the dance floor. And that video isn't enhanced at all! I can walk in slow motion!
TODD: I love the part in SAS commercial when he pretends to point to the billboard, and looks at the camera all tough or something. Completely demonstrates what a total tool SAS is. He thinks he does great things when in actuality there's nothing worth pointing to.
JENNY: I was going to watch "Quite Frankly" last night to see what I thought, then realized that the commercial told me all I needed to know. That dance he does makes me want to throw a brick through the screen... Stephen A. Smith is dumb, incoherent, and arrogant as hell. There is nothing I hate more than an arrogant person.
FOWLER: "Quite Frankly" opened to mediocre ratings. But Smith is confident in his eventual success. What's next for Stephen A. Smith? Mark Shapiro has moved on, but is already said to be planning "Stephen A. Smith: The Ride" for an amusement park. A fully automated Stephen A. Smith channel, airing 24 hours a day, is said to be in the works. And an operation may clear up his volume problem.
For SportsCentury, I'm Chris Fowler.
-- Mac T.
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance between this work and any events or persons, living or dead, save for the purposes of parody, is coincidental.
Don't vote in this entry. Voting for Smith vs. Bayless starts Tuesday.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 10:01 AM | Comments (15) | TrackBack
Stuart Scott vs. Tony Reali
1. Stuart Scott
Champion, Yankees/Red Sox Regional
Defeated Scott Van Pelt, 123-8
Defeated John Kruk, 111-35
Defeated Jim Gray, 78-32
Defeated Joe Morgan, 85-51
Versus
6. Tony Reali
Champion, Dallas Cowboys Regional
Defeated Michele Tafoya 78-13
Defeated Mike Tirico 50-34
Defeated Bob Ryan, 60-31
Defeated Dan LeBatard, 72-26
Voting is now closed. Results coming soon.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 07:12 AM | Comments (133) | TrackBack
August 21, 2005
SportsCentury And Beyond: Tony "Stat Boy" Reali
(SportsCentury intro)
CHRIS FOWLER: I'm Chris Fowler and welcome back to SportsCentury. Over the years, there have been many surprises as to who would become the next 'it' guy at ESPN... the next person to hit it big and suddenly be all over our TV screens. Perhaps none are as undeserving as Tony "Stat Boy" Reali, the host of the wildly unpopular "Around the Horn", as well as the role of Tonto to Tony Kornheiser and Michael Wilbon's Lone Ranger. From his birth in Staten Island, New York in 1978, to his youth at the Christian Brothers Academy in Lincroft, New Jersey, Reali has always seen himself a "playa", but after leaving home in New Jersey, "Stat Boy" found a rocky road to success here at ESPN.
JENNY: How this no-talent company whore got his own show is beyond me, since his only redeeming quality seems to be the ability to put Woody Paige on mute (which is actually pretty redeeming, but still not enough). He thinks he's a big, hot man now (Tony, I am a 17-year-old girl and I will tell you right now that you are a greasy little shitface), leading me to proclaim that Tony Reali is the poster child for a complete ban on Italian immigration for the next century.
CHRIS FOWLER: Staten Island, New York on a hot summer day in 1978.
ANGELA REALI, MOTHER: Tony's father was los-ah. Vic 'The Finger' Reali was a capo in the Gambino crime family and was constantly bringing guns, whores and laundered money into the house. I was like, "yo, Vic, lil' Tony is trying to get some of my breast here, can you keep the noise down with da' whores? Anyway, Vic then beat the crap outta me and I took Tony and his sister Mary Theresa and his other sister, Mary Angela and we left to stay with my cousins in Lincroft, New Jersey.
TONY REALI: I don't remember my fadda too much. I just remember one time when I was a kid seeing "Goodfellas" and my mom said that the movie was like real life used to be for her. She was like Lorraine Bracco in that movie married to Ray Liotta; I thought... "cool... can I meet dad and be like him?" She then smacked me upside the head and that night, my uncles Luigi and Nicky took me to my very first Yankees game.
FOWLER: But despite his mother's fierce love for her son, and the family's desperate protection of little Tony from his criminal father in New York and his crime family, the mix of sports & crime was very confusing and also very powerful for little Tony Reali. However, the one thing that trumped both crime & sports... the love of STATS. Hence his nickname in the schoolyard of "Stat Boy".
TEACHERREFPOET: He was the guy who told the starting QB what to do, so the athletes hated him. But then, he was too mean to hang with the nerds, too eager-to-be-liked to be a rebel... Nobody liked him. So he spends his life telling people "you're wrong" and "shut up."
MIKEY PALMEIRI, CHILDHOOD BULLY: Yeah, one day we saw Tony in the schoolyard sitting by a tree with a sports section counting Baseball statistics and we thought it was like the gayest thing we'd ever seen. So me and my boys, Chad Laranza & Jimmy Altieri, we beat little Tony within an inch of his life and sent him to the hospital. After that, we affectionately called him Stat Boy. What a los-ah.
PAT: Humorous though it may be to see him get so many of his "corrections" incorrect on PTI, the guy seems to take himself entirely too seriously while being a total jackass. He is therefore deserving of all the punchings/beatings/maulings that others have suggested.
ANGELA REALI, MOTHER: I was so scared. I didn't have health insurance and little Tony was in ICU for three straight days. His sisters read him Yankee statistics from the New York Times but it seemed like nothing was going to work. That's when a miracle happened... Tony's HERO Dick Vitale came on TV covering that March Madness thing and when he started screaming, Tony's eyes opened.
DICK VITALE: TONY REALI... AKA STAT BOY, STAT MAN... WHAT A PTP'ER, BABY! WHEN HE CAME TO BRISTOL THE FIRST TIME AND TOLD ME THAT I HELPED HIM WAKE UP FROM A COMA WHEN HE WAS TEN...WHAT AN INSPIRATION, BABY!!! OH MY GOD... I IMMEDIATELY CALLED MY FRIENDS COACH K AND DEAN SMITH AND THEY WERE SO TOUCHED. LITTLE TONY REALI HAD TOUCHED OUR HEARTS.
TONY REALI: I loved Dicky V... and between my love for numbers and my love for da Yankees, I knew I had to get on ESPN one day. It was my dream. And besides my love of Dicky V, my boyhood hero was absolutely Donny Baseball.
DON MATTINGLY: Tony used to come to Yankee Stadium all the time and unlike the other kids who wanted my autograph, he asked me to call him Stat Boy and wanted to talk about my on base percentage. Frankly, I thought he was bit creepy and for a kid who had been beaten senseless, he sure was cocky & arrogant.
MIKE: Reali is simply a no-talent punk. I don't begrudge people who are in the right place at the right time. I do begrudge them when they have that look of smugness on their face. Reali is the non-presidential embodiment of the line "born on third, he thinks he got a triple."
COMMERCIALS
CHRIS FOWLER: The question to ask was, 'is Tony Stat Boy Reali a survivor'? For a while it seemed like he knew what his future plans were. But somewhere along the way, his plans got derailed.
TONY'S SISTER, MARY ANGELA: Tony was okay until he was fifteen or so, when the pain from the constant beatings made him turn to drugs.
ANGELA REALI: I finally kicked that little weasel out for using in the house.
CHRIS FOWLER: After Tony's mother kicked him out of the house for using, Tony turned to the mean streets of New York to help his habit along. It was there that Tony befriended a pimp named Marcus Jackson who would bring Tony's life to a screeching halt.
[COMMERCIALS]
LINDA COHN: When I had heard the stories that Stat Boy was a street hustler, I couldn't believe it. At first I felt great sadness for his life but then I thought about my home life and how busy my husband always is with those late nights in the city with his 22 year old Secretary, Ginger, and I wondered if Tony would consider an employee discount for me? I mean, after all, we were colleagues now and when he was an Intern, I certainly never made him go back 3 times in one day to Starbucks like Wilbon and Kornheiser.
CHRIS FOWLER: Marcus Jackson, aka 'New York Nasty', was a 25 year old pimp, born and raised in Harlem when he befriended Reali on the streets of New York, as Reali had been trying to score some coke. Jackson became fascinated by Reali's love of Baseball stats and was also a huge Mattingly fan like Stat Boy. Jackson decided he would take Reali under his wing and teach him the ropes. He figured he could use a kid like him.
REALI: I remember thinking that New York Nasty was my new hero. He said all the right things, he was smooth... a real 'playa'. I won't talk about the things I did with him in the first year, but needless to say that after a few months with Marcus, I became open to hustling men & women. I needed the money to support my drug habits.
DAVID: What a wanka.
MARK SHAPIRO, VP OF PROGRAMMING, ESPN CORPORATE: I will never forget the day... August 15th, 1997. I was in my limo with Boomer, and we had just gone on a binge at the Plaza with Danny, Linda & Pat Riley and we were headed back to Bristol when I saw this young, slick looking Italian kid trying to hustle an older couple for money, sex... who knows. Anyway, I was fascinated with his 'wanna be a playa' look & attitude and with the rise of Stu Scott at the network, this is exactly the kind of NEW face I wanted out there for ESPN.
REALI: So Shapiro and Berman come rollin' up in this phat white limo, just unreal... and I thought, these guys were loaded...a real cash cow opportunity. Plus, I knew Marcus was watching from across the street so I was looking for the biggest score of my lifetime. Anyway, i peer in the limo and I see this overweight, sweaty, familiar face and low & behold, it's Chris freaking Berman. I flashed back to childhood and remembered my dream of being on ESPN and maybe one day, doing stats. My life changed.
CHRIS BERMAN: I will never forget the first time I met Tony Reality "TV" or Tony "n Tina" Reali... Mark (Shapiro) invites him inside the limo and all of a sudden, we hear shots firing. Reali starts screaming "Oh my God, it's Marcus, it's Marcus" -- Reali's pimp -- and Mark bangs his half empty scotch bottle on the window and tells the limo driver to make a break for it. That was the day ESPN met Tony "Stat Boy" Reali.
TODD: Before he became statboy, Tony was known as whoreboy - the man who gave Mark Shapiro hand jobs behind the dumpster at Bristol. He was given a job in PTI just to keep him close to the dumpster without security getting suspcious. When Max left ATH Shapiro needed someone whose natural talents could allow them to work four joysticks in an up and down motion all the while getting yelled at. Thus Stat boy was given a new line of work. the rest was as Shapiro would lead us to believe, television magic. . .
[COMMERCIALS]
CHRIS FOWLER: Mark Shapiro and Chris Berman may have saved Tony Reali from the mean streets of New York City, but life was not immediately easy for this kid from Clifton, New Jersey. Reali had to prove himself as an intern and writer and in 2000, he got his first real break at ESPN after 2 1/2 years of fetching coffee: writing for ESPN's "2 minute drill".
REALI: We all gotta start somewhere but it was my love of getting things right and also being a total wise-ass that garnered me attention while writing "2 Minute Drill". The following Summer, Shapiro announced a new program would begin appearing in the Fall of 2001 called "Pardon the Interruption". Mark wanted me to be the sidekick on the show for Wilbon & Kornheiser, but that too was not an easy road.
JEREMY MILLER, GROWING PAINS: I received a call from several executives at ESPN who were interested me in the role of 'Stat Boy', a wise-ass sidekick to Tony Kornheiser and Michael Wilbon on "Pardon The Interruption". I was so excited... this was going to be my first break since "growing Pains" had ended and was desperate for the work. I mean, I had been cut down to three shifts a week at the Santa Monica Pottery Barn and really needed the money.
TONY REALI: What I did to Jeremy Miller shows me to be a true playa in the business but it also was another low point for me. However, I got the job of Stat Boy and have never looked back.
WILL: How he managed to get himself on TV is beyond me - he seems more suited for Reality (sorry about the pun in there) TV or Stupid Human Tricks or something like that.
FOWLER: On August 2nd, 2001, Jeremy Miller indeed called into ESPN to set up his interview with the higher ups at the network. Little did he know that when he called the cable sports giant, he reached none other than Tony Reali.
MILLER: So Reali tells me the location of the interview has changed to 98th Street in Harlem at this old warehouse. I thought it was kinda strange but I didn't think anything of it. Anyway, I drove down in my new Tercel and proceeded to get jumped by several gang members. They beat me, took my wallet and clothes and car and I was left for naked and dead in the middle of Harlem. Needless to say, I never made the interview and Tony Reali became Stat Boy.
REALI: Hey, Jeremy, don't hate the playa, hate the game... I played you and I am the prince of ESPN.
COLIN HESSE: This is a man who is, quite honestly, the worst analyst/poser I have ever seen. I know people like him, who have that same arrogant smirk plastered on their face, who continually talk down to people, and who accepts Woody Paige's ramblings as pure gold.
JOEY T: Reali isn't funny. He isn't smart. He isn't articulate, nor is he creative... Reali has no skill at all.
MICHAEL WILBON, CO-HOST, PARDON THE INTERRUPTION: Truth be told, I was a huge "Growing Pains" fan and was excited to work with Ben Seaver of all people! Not to mention that Alan Thicke was a personal friend of mine so Reali created a real mess. It's ancient history now but I still think back and wonder what the show could have done with Jeremy Miller in the role of Stat Boy.
TIM: I am still at a loss to discern how in the world he got his position.
MIKE O: I simply have no idea how Reali got the 'job' as Stat-Boy, and has somehow parlayed it into a regular hosting job on an incredibly gimpy show. He seems absolutely talentless.
[COMMERCIALS]
FOWLER: Tony now made an even more dramatic move.
MAX KELLERMAN: If it wasn't bad enough that Reali screwed my boy, Jeremy Miller, then that little Italian Kid from New York claimed to be my 'boy', then he turned around and screwed me... He got me fired from "Around the Horn" and took that job, as well.
ALEX: Kellerman was a clown, but at least he knows something about boxing. I've yet to see any evidence that Stat Boy knows anything about anything.
WOODY PAIGE: YES... IT WAS A SHOCK TO ALL OF US WHEN MAX LEFT 'AROUND THE HORN'. I ASKED SHAPIRO WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON AND WHY THE HELL REALI WAS GOING TO HOST? HE BASICALLY CONFIDED IN ME THAT KELLERMAN HAD SLEPT WITH HIS DAUGHTER, WHICH TURNED OUT BE ANOTHER LIE SPREAD BY REALI.
JIMBOHANNA: Anyone who can sit there and say "good point Woody Paige" with a straight face and not put a ice pick thru his eye as Paige rambles incoherently is in a class by himself. Why sportswriters would put up with this intern is beyond me.
MARTIN: Somehow ESPN managed to give a show to a guy who's going to be a car salesman in a couple of years.
FOWLER: Apparently that wasn't the only thing spread, according to Reali.
REALI: I may have possibly told Mark that Kellerman gave his daughter Stacy syphilis. In retrospect, that was very very wrong. Very wrong, but look at me now... I am the host of 'Around the Horn' baby so I guess the ends really do justify the means!
JASON: Stat Boy is a preening little bitch.
MARK SHAPIRO: in hindsight, I have come to realize that Reali is a liar and an opportunist... the fact that he came from the streets hustling should have been my first indication. But even after I found out this it was Reali who gave Stacy syphilis, I still find the guy to be exactly the kind of personality we are looking for here at ESPN.
GAVIN: He's tall, awkward, lacks any style, and tries to be funny while talking loudly to a group of morons whose combined sports intelligence rivals my stool.
CHRIS FOWLER: History has shown Tony "Stat Boy" Reali to be a survivor. From his birth as a mob baby, to his days of being savagely beaten on the playground in Clifton, New Jersey, to the days of street hustling, and finally to his weird journey as "Stat Boy" on PTI and eventually, the new permanent host on "Around the Horn", Tony "Stat Boy" Reali remains the kid who saw Donny Baseball at Yankee Stadium, and the kid who one day hopes to be Stat Man.
For SportsCentury, I'm Chris Fowler.
-- Alex R.
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance between this work and any events or persons, living or dead, save for the purposes of parody, is coincidental. If you think this is bad, you should see the unexpurgated version ("Too hot for the web!")
Don't vote in this entry. Voting for Scott vs. Reali starts Monday.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 02:50 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
August 20, 2005
SportsCentury And Beyond: Stuart Scott
[SportsCentury intro]
CHRIS FOWLER: I'm Chris Fowler, and welcome to SportsCentury. Many people have come into our homes through the television over the years, but few have been as pervasive as Stuart Scott. This hard-luck graduate of the University of North Carolina has, through hard work and bootlicking, parlayed moderate talent into a career as one of the nation's best-known sportscasters.
FOWLER: Stu Scott was born in Chicago in 1968.
NEWTON: Did you know that Stuart Scott's voice is a major cause of mental retardation if listened to by pregnant mothers?
SHEILA SCOTT, MOTHER: I think I knew that there was something different about Stuart from the beginning. All babies cry, but it seemed like he had three or four cries which he would use over and over.
STUART SCOTT: Man, Chicago was cold as the other side of the pillow at the North Pole. So we moved to North Carolina. Peace!
FOWLER: In North Carolina, Stu would face many challenges.
DAN: Let me run a bit by you that lets you in on a little bit about the credibility of this faux-soul brother. On his appearances on VH1's "I Love The 80s," he fessed up that his sister grew up loving Barry Manilow. Now, call me crazy, but this shows how un-street Stuey's upbringing is: I've never heard any Barry Manilow in the 'hood.
SHEILA: I told him not to make faces, that it would get stuck like that. He never listened.
FOWLER: It did get stuck like that. However, Stuart would soon meet someone who would have a special place in his heart for all his life.
MICHAEL JORDAN: I was playing pickup ball, just me and some of the guys. Suddenly, this weird-looking little kid started imitating my moves, or trying to, and when the game was over he followed me home. Dad had to chase him off with a broom, but he kept coming back.
STUART: Yo, me and Mike, we tight.
FOWLER: Stu had troubles in high school.
MAY JOHNSON, SCHOOLTEACHER: Stuart was actually fairly bright, as far as I can tell, but he was a real troublemaker. I'm used to some rowdy students, but he was the only one I know who mostly did the same six things over and over.
GREG JONES, FRIEND: Stu had troubles with girls, too. He'd always go up to them, all confident, but as soon as they got a glimpse of that crazy eye of his they'd all laugh. Or throw up.
STUART: Playa please! All the girls, they wanted a piece of this. Word!
FOWLER: When we come back, the Scotts get cable, and Stuart finds his calling.
[COMMERCIALS]
FOWLER: In 1982, the seventeen-year-old Stuart's life would be changed as his family got cable television for the first time, and Stu would find his role model.
BERMAN: I'm his role model? I'm sorry, I have to go, I have to think some things over.
STUART: I saw Chris on TV, doing his thing, making up nicknames, and I knew that was what I wanted to do. My first catchphrase was something my baby sister used to call me.
SKIP: "Booyah." A man defined by a word that is not even a real word must be stopped in our lifetime.
JONES: I told him, look at SportsCenter, you see anybody who looks like you on there? No, I wasn't talking about race, I was talking about the eye thing.
STUART: Don't hate the playa, hate the game.
BILLT: I don't hate the playa. I just hate you, fuckface.
FOWLER: Stuart enrolled at the University of North Carolina in fall of 1983, and studied speech communications.
MATT: We get it Stu, you went to North Carolina and Michael Jordan went there, too.
WAYNE CARVER, PROFESSOR: Stuart was mostly interested in gimmicks, actually. He figured that there were thousands of communications students out there and only a few really good jobs. I told him talent and professionalism would win out, but he was sure that the way to go was to find a schtick and work it hard. I didn't think that would work... Shows what I know.
FOWLER: After graduating in 1987, Stuart worked a string of jobs in the southeast, reporting the news in Florence, SC and Raleigh. In 1990, he became a sports reporter in Orlando. But in 1993, he would get his big break.
KEITH OLBERMANN: ESPN was launching ESPN2, and the lead program was going to be "SportsNight", with me and Suzy Kolber. My god, what was I thinking?
FOWLER: Stuart was hired to do the "SportSmash" highlights segments during the show.
STUART: I knew the Deuce was s'posed to be hip, urban, you know, y'all? So I start throwing stuff in, the catchphrases and the lingo, and soon 'nough, they put me on the anchor desk.
OLBERMANN: "Anchor", like a heavy thing that weighs you down.
FOWLER: While "SportsNight" was obviously doomed, Scott's star was rising. More when we return.
[COMMERCIALS]
FOWLER: Stu Scott's work on the dying ESPN2 show "SportsNight" was getting him attention. One of those paying attention to the network's new star was an ESPN2 assistant producer.
MARK SHAPIRO, EXEC VP, ESPN: I saw this guy, energetic, polarizing, and I knew that if one day I ran a network, I'd put him on it. Constantly. In everything.
FOWLER: "SportsNight" was soon cancelled, but Stuart, as always, landed on his feet, working the late night "SportsCenter" with Rich Eisen.
RICH EISEN, ESPN 1996-2003: Stu's a nice guy, will do anything to help you out, really. It's just that the most dangerous place on Earth is between him and a camera.
BOB: He came in with Eisen and Ravech, who are good sportscasters but Stu is the only one left on Sportscenter....WHY????
EY: I have hated Stuart Scott since the first day his faux-gangster ass appeared on SportsCenter, beginning a painful decline that seems to have no lower bound.
FOWLER: Stuart soon established his own style, which sometimes led to criticism.
STUART: You don't hear anyone describing Rich Eisen as doing his 'Jewish guy-from-Long Island schtick.' Can I get a witness from the congregation?
GERRY MATALON, ESPN PRODUCER: Athletes really dig Stuart. He talks the language of the kids. He brings that attitude. He's opened up a lot of doors.
JORDAN: Sometimes it's nice to have an interviewer lob you softballs, and I can't talk to Ahmad Rashad all the time.
FOWLER: The old guard at "SportsCenter" was leaving. Craig Kilborn and Keith Olbermann left for talk shows on other networks, and Dan Patrick scaled back his involvement. Into their vacancy, a new breed of "SportsCenter" anchor emerged, and Stu Scott would be their leader.
JASON: Essentially, Stuart Scott replaced Keith Olberman. Has there been a worse sequel since The Godfather III?
MIKE O: He is the face of today's E$PN, and he and his ludicrous 'style' have made the network absolutely unwatchable for any but the most simpleminded and drooling.
LINDA COHN, ESPN 1992-PRESENT: I'd been on the show for awhile, and it was nice but I wasn't getting the attention I wanted. I saw Stu was getting traction with that hip-hop stuff, and I started trying that out, though I really don't understand it. Also, I had some work done.
STUART: I don't mind the imitators, dawg. 'Long as I get a cut.
MIKE: When I was in high school and college (1990-98), I rarely missed the Sunday night SportsCenter. In college, I'd watch it 4 times on monday morning, too. It was the unofficial way to cap off a sports week. Stu ruined all that. I haven't watched the Sunday SportsCenter in years. His lame, tired, faux-street cred act is embarassing to watch. He is the living embodiment of all that is wrong with the Worldwide Leader.
FOWLER: In 2002, disaster struck. Stu was hit in the face with a football at New York Jets training camp. He suffered a detached retina. He needed surgery to repair it, but soon was back, more ubiquitous than ever.
STUART: Some people are really surprised when I tell them my eye was always like this. But you gotta be strong. I knew I had to come back even stronger, like I never was away.
FOWLER: When we return, Stuart takes over our dreams.
[COMMERCIALS]
FOWLER: Mark Shapiro, meanwhile, rose to the top at ESPN. Sports was the networks' drawing card, but Shapiro was bored with this, and felt that ESPN needed to find other things to do. Taking a lead from MTV, he knew what this had to be: reality game shows.
LARRY: To think of the days when ESPN filled time not with "ESPN Hollywood," but with Australian Rules Football and other, well, sports. Where have they gone?
SHAPIRO: It's all competition, right? I looked around ESPN, and thought about getting an outside host, but really, there was only one man who could host "Dream Job".
50POUNDHEAD: Scott's voice and approach should be limited to video games about monster truck rallies.
STUART: And the Lord said, 'You got to rise up!
WOODY PAIGE: I WOULD NEVER HAVE GIVEN A PASSING GRADE TO SOMEONE LIKE STUART SCOTT!!!!!
DAVID: If you're a college student, here's a fun Stu Scott game for you: go to a party-- the kind of party where you walk in the door and the host says, "Hey man, jello shots or dynamite keg?" Now, at around 2 AM, strike up a conversation with a really drunken frat boy. I guarantee you he'll be more entertaining and yet also more informative than Scott.
FOWLER: Hosting "Dream Job" was only part of Stuart's duties.
PHIL: Stuart Scott is wreaking havoc on SportsCenter, Stump the Schwab, Teammates, DreamJob, and probably 10,000 other projects conceived in Mark Shapiro's awful fever dreams. And the second: I heard an interview once on the local sports talk radio station with Stu in which he discussed how he came up with catchphrases the way a Nobel laureate might talk about how he invented a new form of rocket fuel.
FOWLER: He hosted "Monday Night Countdown" with Michael Irvin.
STUART: He's a gangsta.
IRVIN: Flarph nangle cokle. Stok tusin reebleprowser! Ha ha!
FOWLER: "Stump The Schwab", with The Schwab.
HOWIE SCHWAB: I still can't believe I'm on TV.
FOWLER: He did sideline reporting at the NBA Finals.
JIM GRAY: I was talking to Kobe earlier, and he thinks that Stuart Scott is a worse sideline reporter than me.
GAVIN: Random NBA sideline bit, "Yo, booyah, talkin' to my g Ben Wallace and was like, bam, how bout that defense and he was all right back at ya, give me a fist bump!"
FOWLER: And movie roles.
LINDSAY LOHAN: Stuart made me laugh when he was on the set. Of course, I was totally wasted.
FOWLER: Even an "ESPN: The Magazine" column.
RIP: Mr Scott's espn the magazine column is written in 20 seconds.
FOWLER: What does the future hold for Stu Scott? Well, Mark Shapiro is gone, but the odds are that ESPN will add more game shows, and more reality shows, and more "original entertainment programming". And Stu Scott will always be there to add his own special je ne sais quois. For "SportsCentury", I'm Chris Fowler.
-- Mac T.
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance between this work and any events or persons, living or dead, save for the purposes of parody, is coincidental.
Don't vote in this entry. Voting for Scott vs. Reali starts Monday.
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