July 25, 2005
Postgame Press Conference VIII
Skip Bayless (2) "Take that, Jerry Jones. Take that, Northern California. All you haters out there keep kicking me out of your towns and I just keep lining them up and mowing them down. What a total ass kicking that was...I think I see Herbstreit crying like a little girl...someone get me some damn cold pizza!"
Reporter: "But Skip, you got killed. You got all those votes because everyone hates your guts and thinks you're a preening jackass."
Skip Bayless: "Cool."
Kirk Herbstreit (15) "Lee, what did you think of my performance? Better or worse than my playing days in Columbus?? I just want people to like me."
Chris Fowler (10) "I am here on the campus of some redneck SEC school and I swear I just saw two cousins making out...and they play for Tennessee! Lee & Kirk, do either of you care to comment? Man, I am such a Big Ten homer. Gosh, I love me some Minnesota football...Glen Mason, that's where it's at!"
Greg Anthony (7) "Let's look at the videotape of my match-up with Chris Fowler. He clearly used an illegal screen and on this play, clearly should have been called for traveling. I think you have to take into question the coaching from his end because I was more brilliant today and it's why I will keep my job in Bristol for another year."
Larry Bowa (3) "WHAT THE BLUE HELL IS WRONG WITH ALL OF YOU PEOPLE? WHAT, YOU DON'T LIKE A SCREAMER? HOW BOUT I PUT ALL YOUR GRANDMOTHERS THROUGH ONE OF MY SPRING TRAININGS AND THEN YOU PEOPLE WILL FINALLY BE TOO AFRAID TO HATE ME. FOR GOD'S SAKE, WILL SOMEONE GET ME SOME FREAKING COFFEE...I NEED TO CALM DOWN ALREADY. EVERYONE HERE JUST WON'T PLAY AS GOOD AS I ASK THEM TO!"
Mel Kiper (6) "The reason people voted for me is because I am 6-4, 240 pound linebacker out of McNeese State and I run a 4.3 40. My upside is tremendous, and frankly, so is my hair. I am worth at least a high 2nd round pick, though I suspect both Denver and Atlanta are interested in trading up to get me, fearing I could be off the board at their picks in the middle of the second round. It is possible the Chargers could take me and then deal me along with Philip Rivers for future draft considerations. I mean, I could just go on & on & on & on..."
Ron Jaworski (11) "Suzy, let's go to the videotape. Here you see Kiper, rattling on and on about some kid drafted in the sixth round. Here you see Kiper, talking about next year's draft already. And here you see The Hair. Kiper was easy to attack, and so I continue on. And Hoge, you look like an idiot."
--Alex R. w/MT
Posted by Mac Thomason at 11:01 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
July 24, 2005
Mike Krzyzewski Subregional results
Bayless 110, Herbstreit 8
Skip Bayless is one of the favorites, and showed why, jumping out 12-0 and running away from there against Kirk Herbstreit, who will be joining Corso in a pity party later.
Fowler 54, Anthony 47
Bayless' sacrificial lamb in the second round will be Chris Fowler, who garners a measure of revenge for the college football crowd against the NBA people for Legler's upset of Corso. Anthony will be happy to find that he's the one NBA guy that many people find half-decent.
Bowa 67, Jackson 34
Then again, Mark Jackson is apparently innocuous enough to lose handily to Larry Bowa, whose combination of former managing incompetence and current broadcasting annoyance helped him pull away in a once-close contest. Jackson is no doubt doing an annoying dance right now.
Kiper 65, Jaworski 34
In a match so short of vitriol that a couple of voters abstained, Mel Kiper, and his hair, move on. Ron Jaworski will break down the matchup once he's had a chance to review the film. As for me, I think Jaws is great.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 03:58 PM | Comments (6) | TrackBack
July 23, 2005
Postgame Press Conference VII
Dick Vitale (1) "OH MY GOD...LINDA COHN WAS AWESOME WITH A CAPITAL A...WHAT A PTP'ER...WHO SAW THAT ONE COMING. BUT I KNEW LINDA WOULD BE A CHALLENGE BECAUSE SHE WAS IN COLLEGE FOR 4 CONSECUTIVE YEARS AND HAS A DEGREE, BABY!!!! IT WOULD HAVE BEEN A DIFFERENT SITUATION FOR ME, A MUCH EASIER VICTORY HAD A FACED A STRAIGHT-OUTTA-HIGH SCHOOL OPPONENT LIKE TONY REALI. I AM REALLY GLAD I DIDN'T HAVE TO FACE JAY BILAS WITH THE DUKE PEDIGREE, BABY!!! OH MY GOD!!!
Linda Cohn (16) "Well, I have to say I don't understand why I received so many votes. I mean, just the other night at the ESPY's, I was hob nobbing with Ben Affleck and Matthew Perry when Vince Vaughn walked over and told me how much he liked my work. Gosh, I was so turned on by that that I made sure to sit at Vince's table and I started rubbing my 6 toed foot into his crotch...it was crazy!"
Digger Phelps (9) "Insulting me is one thing. But insulting the greatest institution of higher learning in the history of the planet, the University of Notre Dame, is a completely different matter. I am so upset I may have to go clothes shopping with Hoge again."
Tony Kornheiser (8) "So, what was I supposed to have played Digger in this tournament? I don't even know anything about basketball or football. And are two people enough for baseball? Where's Wilbon...hey Wilbon, let's play toss-up...you know my fat, bald and orange butt wins every time."
Brent Musberger (4) "You are looking live at... Oh, who am I kidding? You're looking at my bitter failure. Sure, I keep my job, but is it really worth it? Twenty, fifteen, even ten years ago, would I have even been challenged by some old gasbag many voters had never heard of, and others thought was dead? I was the most important sportscaster in America, and now I can't beat an old guy with twenty chins they won't put on TV before ten o'clock because he'd scare small children. I just don't know any more... So cold, so cold..."
Beano Cook (13) "Before my match with Muskrat, I took some much needed advice from that kid in State College, Joe Paterno. He says 'Beano, just intimidate Muskrat, he's a real wuss.' I did just that. I puffed out my neck like some sort of iguana-lizard hybrid and the man was scared shitless. I also owe my victory to the greatest quarterback of a generation, the Fighting Irish's Ron Powlus...I don't keep up with the NFL...could someone please update me on how many Lombardi trophies he has?"
Jay Mariotti (5) "Clearly, Woody Paige is behind this..he has it in for me because he's jealous of my looks and talent. But I promised I was too hated not to move on...watch for me...I am a surprise Final Four pick. Never bet against an egomaniac from Chicago!"
Buster Olney (12) "The Yankees reported that I would get destroyed and keep my job in Bristol. In fact, I actually won because I hit more ground balls to the left side of the infield between the 6th and 8th innings. Just look it up--trust me I am right."
--Alex R. w/MT
Posted by Mac Thomason at 06:02 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack
Christian Laettner Subregional results
Vitale 66, Cohn 51
A surprisingly game (and definitely underseeded -- East Coast Bias strikes again, I guess) Linda Cohn couldn't quite pull even with Dick Vitale, who survives a scare and moves on. Unlike some others, this near-upset was certainly less about Vitale and more about Cohn, who could not be reached because this is teeth-cleaning week.
Phelps 65, Kornheiser 38
Vitale's sometime sidekick Digger Phelps had an easier time of it with Tony Kornheiser, setting up an all-college basketball second-round matchup. This contest was too like a sporting event for Kornheiser to pay attention to.
Cook 53, Musberger 41
A couple of old gunslingers proved they still had what it takes to annoy, with a wildly entertaining contest that saw Brent Musberger go out to an early lead but Beano Cook put on a sprint in the middle going to win. Musberger was reportedly stunned to find out Cook was still alive.
Mariotti 84, Olney 20
In by far the easiest match of this subregional, Jay Mariotti cruised to a 64-vote victory that wasn't really that close. Buster Olney is said to be working on a "productive annoyance" statistic that will show that he really won.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 01:21 PM | Comments (6) | TrackBack
July 22, 2005
Postgame Press Conference VI
Tim Legler (15) "It was like the night I won the 3 point contest...I was just UN-stoppable! I mean, no one gave me a chance in hell against the hated Lee Corso but stick a no talent ex-NBA hack in ridiculous suits and look at those votes fly...I am coming for you, Stephen A.!"
Lee Corso (2) "What did I tell you, Kirk...the kids love me. It goes back to my days having 3 ways with Burt Reynolds and some little FSU groupies, but even back them, the kids in Tallahassee loved me and now kids everywhere love me. Oh, wasn't I great? Still in Bristol, baby!"
Bob Ryan (10) "What, people, am I IKE TURNER? Where's da love? I am A SIMPLE BOSTON GUY AND ALL I SAID WAS THAT JASON KIDD SHOULD KNOCK AROUND HIS HO OF A WIFE MORE OFTEN? WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT? HELL, IN SOUTH BOSTON, MY DAD USED TO COME HOME FROM THE FACTORY AND THE LOCAL BAR, CHUG BACK A FEW MORE BREWS AND THEN HE'D KNOCK MY WHOLE FAMILY AROUND! GEEZ...WHATS THE BIG DEAL PEOPLE?"
Peter Gammons (7) "I was going to be a buyer this year and make a deal down the stretch run; in fact, the rumor is I was going to add one of Merrill Hoge's suits and some of Mel Kiper's hair in exchange for my guitar, but it turns out I didn't need it."
Mike Tirico (3) "Yes...I will only be taking questions from the little blonde in the third row with a giant knockers. What was your name?
Reporter: "Denise...yes, Mike, would you like to address all the interns you've slept with while your wife was at home with your kids?"
"Um, um....did you see the Finals this year. First NBA Finals to go SEVEN games...my hometown Pistons against the Spurs. I am from Detroit. Hey, how about the hot girl in the back with the halter top...any questions from you?"
Tim Kurkjian (14) "The rumor I am hearing out of Oakland is..."
(John Kruk stands up and takes the microphone before Kurkjian can finish)
"I just want to say how excited I am about my second round match up and where can a guy get a decent cheese steak around here? And Timmy, I just want to say how much I love working with you and when you are & I are on TV together, it's like David Spade and Chris Farley--hilarious!"
Tony Reali (6) "In today's game, you people incorrectly identified me as an arrogant little jerk who was going down to Michelle Tafoya. I am actually an arrogant little Italian jerk who DESTROYED Tafoya...I said that biatch was goin' down. Do you people not listen to nuthin' I am sayin'? Back to you Plaschke..."
Michelle Tafoya (11) "It's quite a scene here after I realized people hate Stat Boy more...I am here with Tony Parker of the Spurs...Tony, you look great at halftime but more importantly, how did I look and am I showing enough of my cleavage right now?"
Tony Parker "We are just passing the ball a lot to Timmy and ze Pistons are tough...and your breasts look nice but not as nice as Eva's."
--Alex R.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 06:10 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
Mel Kiper vs. Ron Jaworski (Mike Krzyzewski Subregional)
6. Mel Kiper
The Crimes:
- The Hair.
- Probably doesn't know what he's talking about.
- Can talk uninterrupted about nothing particularly interesting for up to fifteen minutes at a time, allowing ESPN to fill all fifteen minutes of mind-numbing time between first-round picks.
- Shamed his father by dropping the "Junior".
- Needs to drop the Balmer accent.
- His full ESPN.com picture looks like this.
Versus
11. Ron Jaworski
The Crimes:
- The worlds biggest mouth.
- He makes Jay Mariotti look like Mister Rogers.
- He could fly an airplane with those huge lips.
- Has this whole blue collar, face-not-meant-for-TV meathead thing going on.
- His voice gives Alex the Mary Hart-drives-Kramer-insane feeling.
- Another in the long line of NFL analysts who has his face surgically attached the ass of the Philadelphia Eagles.
Voting now closed, results to come.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 10:21 AM | Comments (105) | TrackBack
Larry Bowa vs. Mark Jackson (Mike Krzyzewski Subregional)
3. Larry Bowa
The Crimes:
- Most volatile and angry man at ESPN.
- Everyone who played for him hates him.
- Part of the dumbing-down of Baseball Tonight
- Bowa + Kruk = At least one too many Phillies.
Versus
14. Mark Jackson
The Crimes:
- Another of these guys who plays the race card and another member of the Nash-won-the-MVP-because-he's-white club.
- Obnoxious taunter as a player.
- Pig-ignorant, just like the rest of ESPN's NBA studio crew.
Voting now closed, results to come.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 10:19 AM | Comments (102) | TrackBack
Greg Anthony vs. Chris Fowler (Mike Krzyzewski Subregional)
7. Greg Anthony
The Crimes:
- Played for Jerry Tarkanian.
- That UNLV team's Final Four loss created the Legend of Duke.
- Needs to tone down the wardrobe.
- And decide once and for all: mustache or no mustache.
- Another guy who somehow turned his mediocre pro career into a high-paying broadcast job.
Versus
10. Chris Fowler
The Crimes:
- Mindless SEC-bashing and South-bashing in general.
- Joins Corso and Herbstreit in the Big Ten Love-In.
- Sucks up to Corso.
Voting now closed, results to come.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 10:17 AM | Comments (102) | TrackBack
Skip Bayless vs. Kirk Herbstreit (Mike Krzyzewski Subregional)
2. Skip Bayless
The Crimes:
- Needlessly bashes every athlete/owner/team of the city he suddenly leaves.
- Dreadful windbag.
- Rants.
- Screeches.
- Just plain doesn't talk normal.
- Hates sports and athletes but is paid to cover sports and athletes.
- Hard to believe, but actually is worse than everything else on Cold Pizza.
Versus
15. Kirk Herbstreit
The Crimes:
- Ohio State homer.
- Sucks up to Corso.
- Not really a good enough player to get a job as a broadcaster.
Voting now closed, results to come.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 10:13 AM | Comments (120) | TrackBack
Jimmy Johnson Subregional Results
Legler 50, Corso 44
In the biggest upset of the tournament so far, #15 seed and NBA fifth wheel Tim Legler held on to knock off top college football man Lee Corso. I don't know, I hate Corso more than anyone, but apparently some don't mind him, and the hatred for Legler runs deeper than I thought. A devastated Corso is trying to get Burt Reynolds on the phone to see if he can move in.
Ryan 75, Gammons 23
Continuing the upsets, Bob Ryan handily knocked off fellow Globie Peter Gammons, restoring some luster to The Sports Reporters after the upset losses of Albom and Lupica. Gammons reports that he's going on tour with the Dave Matthews Band.
Tirico 62, Kurkjian 13
Mike Tirico avoided the upset bug, groping his way to an easy win over Tim Kurkjian. Kurkjian might have had a reaction but ESPN decided to give that time to Kruk and Bowa instead.
Reali 78, Tafoya 13
Dark horse Stat Boy took out Michele Tafoya with no problems. Tafoya just talked to Larry Brown and Coach Brown says that she should be fine with that, back to you, Al.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 09:28 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
July 21, 2005
Postgame Press Conference V
Chris Berman (1) "I was rumbling, bumbling and stumbling to the finish line!!! I am Chris 'Aaron' Berrrrr-man and my legendary years here at ESPN date back to the dawn of man, when Vince Lombardi and Don Shula were strapping young college basketball players and Joe D & the Babe were catching touchdowns for Notre Dame. Anyway, I have sweated through ANOTHER shirt...does anyone have a towel for me to wipe off my belly & under my arms? I am burning up over here!"
Rece Davis (16) "Good, can I get back to the studio and work on my tan? Roll Tide!"
Sean Salisbury (9) "You know, it was like my playing days with the Minnesota Vikings or at USC...I showed, heart, guts and determination. Intestinal fortitude! I gave it 110% and left it all on the floor. I played 48 minutes of hell and I listened to my coaches. That's what a young man should do. Are you listening, Clayton, you pencil necked geek? Are you listening Randy Moss? You think you're so talented? I think Randy should give his salary every year away until he starts respecting his teammates and coaches. And if you are interested, Randy, I will teach you something about respect. And you TOO Mac Thomason...think I look like a fetus? You think that's funny, do you? Do you not know how to show respect for a legendary backup quarterback like myself? I sure taught Harold Reynolds some respect."
Harold Reynolds (8) "I am not sure how I feel about keeping my job. I would defer to Peter on this but my win may have had something to do with my brilliant playing career with the Mariners."
Dan Lebetard (4) "It's all about racism, folks. Racism against people like me just because we think we are smarter and more handsome then the rest of you. Now who do I have to kiss up to to keep my job in Bristol? And by the way, despite the rumors, I am not sleeping with Tony Kornheiser. Please, whoever you are, stop calling my house. I love Tony, but in an arrogant, manly love kind of way. That's all. And by the way, I am from Miami."
Chris Mortensen (13) "There's a rumor going around that I wasn't going to report to Dallas to play Lebetard. I am happy to report that I did report, in shape and played. Chris, there was also a rumor that I was nabbed at the airport in Dallas with the whizzinator. I am also happy to report that it was nothing more then a grooming kit to help me re-grow my cheesy moustache. Back to you in the studio."
Steve Phillips (5) "I will do whatever it takes to keep my job...even sleep with Kruk. That's how desperate I am not to get fired again. And the sexual harassment thing is so overblown. I talked with Mike Tirico about this and he is sure I am innocent."
Sal Paolantonio (12) "Live from Lincoln Financial, despite the 110 degree temperature, I am still amazingly cold and wearing a winter coat. I also have absolutely nothing new to report on T.O. however, his agent Drew Rosenhaus promised me that if I washed his ferrari in under an hour, that he promised me he would tell me what T.O. had for breakfast. Back to you, Chris!"
-- Alex R.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 01:01 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
Jay Mariotti vs. Buster Olney (Christian Laettner Subregional)
5. Jay Mariotti
The Crimes:
- Face looks like a piñata.
- Mariotti : Around The Horn :: Lupica : The Sports Reporters.
- He and Woody Paige are both so obnoxious you don't know which to root against.
- Widely loathed sportswriter.
Versus
12. Buster Olney
The Crimes:
- Used to cover the Yankees and still talks about them incessantly.
- Of course, that's what ESPN employs him for.
- Is way too old to be calling himself "Buster".
Voting is now closed. Results coming soon.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 09:53 AM | Comments (105) | TrackBack
Special emeritus matchup: Brent Musburger vs. Beano Cook (Christian Laettner Subregional)
4. Brent Musburger
The Crimes:
- Too many crimes over too many years to detail.
- So old he's growing crust.
- You are looking live!
- Arguably the first star-broadcaster-as-personality.
Versus
13. Beano Cook
The Crimes:
- Relentless Penn State homer.
- Hey Beano, Ron Powlus called, your car is ready.
- It's not for nothing that his first name is also that of an antiflatuence product.
- Against all odds, is still alive, thereby taking up nutrients and oxygen that could be put to better use by more productive lifeforms.
- Increasingly resembles Jabba the Hutt.
Voting is now closed. Results coming soon.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 09:47 AM | Comments (94) | TrackBack
Tony Kornheiser vs. Digger Phelps (Christian Laettner Subregional)
8. Tony Kornheiser
The Crimes:
- Two words: Listen. Up.
- Curmudgeonly enough to make Lou Pinella seem happy-go-lucky.
- I repeat: No Pardon The Interruption, no Around The Horn.
- Gave up paying attention to sports years ago but is all over sports radio and television.
- Drags Wilbon down with him.
Versus
9. Digger Phelps
The Crimes:
- Coached at Notre Dame.
- Too old to use so much mousse.
- Likes Vitale.
- Bears some responsibility for Danny Ainge.
- What kind of name is "Digger" for a grown man?
Voting is now closed. Results coming soon.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 09:44 AM | Comments (104) | TrackBack
Dick Vitale vs. Linda Cohn (Christian Laettner Subregional)
1. Dick Vitale
The Crimes:
- Thinks that a player has to play in college three years to make it in the NBA.
- As the above demonstrates, has no idea about the NBA, but they let him cover the draft anyway.
- Actually, has no idea what he's talking about on any subject.
- Face surgically attached to Krzyzewski's ass.
- Either on drugs, or needs to be to treat his ADHD.
- A profoundly ugly man with an annoying voice, which is exactly what you want in a TV personality.
- Every March, his frightening face is used to sell every consumer good on the planet.
- Actually makes Billy Packer seem like the lesser of two evils.
- Pioneered the "If you can't coach, broadcast" philosophy currently used at ESPN, paving the way for Corso, Bowa, etc.
- Some college students like him; these are the same students who like Carrot Top.
- Is probably Satan.
Versus
16. Linda Cohn
The Crimes:
- Looks a little like a female John Elway, which is just wrong.
- Maybe it's my imagination, but seems to hit on every man who ever wore a uniform.
- Hits on celebrities too; see her Vince Vaughn interview if you need to induce vomiting.
- Has six toes on each foot.
Voting is now closed. Results coming soon.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 09:39 AM | Comments (122) | TrackBack
Jerry Jones Subregional Results
Berman 56, Davis 12
A surprisingly strong showing for "Beasley" Rece Davis, suggesting that Chris Berman may be the most vulnerable of the #1 seeds. Davis can relax in the knowledge that while he's more hated than Kenny Mayne, lots of people are still worse than him.
Salisbury 70, Reynolds 18
Lying in wait for Berman will be Sean Salisbury, an easy winner over Harold Reynolds. Either Salisbury was underseeded or there's more affection for Reynolds than I thought. Harold will need to watch more coaching videos if he wants to compete on this level. Salisbury looks to have a chance against Berman in the second round.
LeBatard 64, Mortensen 7
Maybe Dan LeBatard too should have been a higher seed, a #2 or #3, after one of the easiest wins of the first round. ESPN's Chris Mortensen reports that Mortensen is enjoying his loss and thinking about regrowing the 'stache.
Phillips 55, Paolantonio 15
Hate dating back to his GM days helped carry Steve Phillips to an easy first-round win over Sal Paolantonio, who can go back to his day job of trying to figure out what Terrell Owens is thinking. LeBatard/Phillips looks like a highlight of the second round.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 09:04 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack
July 20, 2005
Postgame Press Conference IV
Michael Irvin (2) "I told ya! I told ya! I am the best damn wide receiver in the world plus I was a Cowboy and a Miami Hurricane so you can't stop me--I'm on fire...where's Deion?"
Mike Wilbon (15) "Just like the Cubs, I went down in flames...I am going to call my boy MJ since I still have a job at ESPN. Let's hope the same holds true for my boy Tony."
Jay Bilas (7) "Moving on in this tournament has to do with my length and wingspan, which was simply bigger than Dan Patrick's. I think Dan's still got his job at ESPN because he simply fits better behind the desk and he has more hair. Though I would argue, as would Coach K, that I am clearly better looking."
Dan Patrick (10) "In the world of sports, there's no one more recognized, more respected, than myself, DAN PATRICK. It's why I have a radio show every day from 1-4, it's why I host the 6 pm Sportscenter. It's also why I humiliated Jeremy Roenick or dressed down T.O. on the radio once...I am Dan Patrick, and I am God here at ESPN. I will always have a place in Bristol history, folks."
Bill Walton (3) "I was terrrrrible...just terrrrrible! I am a big man who can clearrrrrly take it to the hole and yet you put insist that I am bad...that's just awful. HORRIBLE. Terrible. And by the way, wasn't I just WONDERFUL, INCREDIBLE on ABC's broadcasts of the NBA Finals...I just threw it DOWN, big man!"
Merrill Hoge (14) "I have come here to this press conference simply to apologize for the way I dress. I let Tom Tolbert & Tim Legler take me shopping one weekend and I simply can't stop buying these suits. They convinced me that a white guy could pull this off but I finally realize...I look absolutely ridiculous. I am sorry."
Bill Curry (6) "Winning this match up and moving on reminds of a story that Coach Lombardi once told me when I was an offensive lineman in 1937 up in Ottawa. He said 'Bill, I don't like you very much, you preach a lot and annoy me, and someday, millions of people won't like you much either--but be strong. Take it like a man...and keep telling the same damn stories over and over'...that was one of my strongest memories of Coach Lombardi and his wisdom for me."
Al Michaels (11) "Folks, thank you. After all my years of hard work and dedication at ABC Sports, you have shown me your appreciation by hating Bill Curry more than me. I am truly touched and may begin to cry profusely."
--Alex R.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 06:46 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
Tony Reali vs. Michele Tafoya (Jimmy Johnson Subregional)
6. Tony "Stat Boy" Reali
The Crimes:
- Gargantuan overexposure.
- No-talent egomaniac.
- One of us actually met him, before he started doing Around The Horn, and he was a jerk then, too.
- And made fun of Around The Horn.
- Tries to show up Kornheiser & Wilbon, to the extent of making "corrections" that are themselves incorrect.
- As host of ATH, is ultimately responsible for all the cretins on that show.
Versus
11. Michele Tafoya
The Crimes:
- Sideline reporter, and therefore pointless.
- Shrill voice.
- Ubiquitous at every major event on ABC or ESPN.
Voting is now closed. Results coming soon.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 09:56 AM | Comments (91) | TrackBack
Mike Tirico vs. Tim Kurkjian (Jimmy Johnson Subregional)
3. Mike Tirico
The Crimes:
- Bragged about being from Detroit during the Finals.
- Reliable sources report that he's a slimebag.
- Always sounds like he's stopped up.
- Looks like a nerdy pumpkin.
- Rapidly balding; either needs to get a weave or shave his head.
- Sucks up to ESPN's two-headed terror of NBA analysis, Smith and Walton.
Versus
14. Tim Kurkjian
The Crimes:
- Sounds like David Spade.
- A tiny man.
Voting is now closed. Results coming soon.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 09:53 AM | Comments (79) | TrackBack
Peter Gammons vs. Bob Ryan (Jimmy Johnson Subregional, Special all-Boston Globe matchup)
7. Peter Gammons
The Crimes:
- Pioneer in the print journalists-turned talking heads epidemic.
- Too often becomes part of the story because GMs use him to channel information.
- And sometimes they take him in by leaking ludicrous trades.
- Ringleader in all-Yankees/Red Sox, all the time coverage.
- Just moved to Insider.
- Looks like Andrew Jackson. I hate Andrew Jackson.
Versus
10. Bob Ryan
The Crimes:
- Also a pioneer in the print journalists-turned talking heads epidemic.
- Openly biased for Boston teams.
- Wrote a column saying (with no evidence) that Nomar Garciaparra was obviously using steroids when he got hurt.
- Advocated beating up a woman.
- Joins with Kornheiser in Great Chain of Asskissing.
Voting is now closed. Results coming soon.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 09:49 AM | Comments (100) | TrackBack
Lee Corso vs. Tim Legler (Jimmy Johnson Subregional)
2. Lee Corso
The Crimes:
- Sort of a slightly less manic version of Vitale.
- Miserably failed ex-football coach (41-68-2 at Indiana, his only major conference gig) nonetheless allowed to critique his betters.
- Big Ten homer even though he's from Florida.
- Looks like he smells bad -- like cigarettes and rancid fish.
- Used to broadcast USFL games.
- Burt Reynolds' former roommate, if you can believe it.
- They put him on the EA College Football game, and he doesn't have anything interesting to say there, either.
- Seems to think that students are excited to see him, personally, when Gameday does on-campus shows, when actually they just want to be on TV.
- Thinks he's funny, but he's not.
versus
15. Tim Legler
The Crimes:
- No evidence he actually knows anything.
- Somehow turned winning the three-point contest at the All-Star Game into a lucrative broadcasting career. At least Dee Brown had to win Dream Job.
- Just sits there while Stephen A. Smith RANTS AND RAVES AT THE TOP OF HIS VOICE.
Voting is now closed. Results coming soon.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 09:46 AM | Comments (95) | TrackBack
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar subregional results
Final Score: Irvin 73, Wilbon 6
Michael Irvin ran away with this one like he was Jerry Rice or somebody, dashing out to a 22-0 lead and coasting from there. Michael Wilbon is on vacation and could not be reached for comment.
Final Score: Bilas 41, Patrick 38
A barnburner! Jay Bilas, in typical Duke style, went out to a big lead, blew it, and still managed to pull it out in the end. I would blame the officials, but that's me. Patrick plans to celebrate by going to TGI Friday's and having a Coors. Bilas should lose easily in the next round.
Final Score: Walton 56, Hoge 14
Bill Walton went out 16-0 and built the lead from there. Hoge was too busy trying to explain to Jaworski how the Steelers should have beaten the Patriots to care.
Final Score: Curry 50, Michaels 15
Do you believe in upsets? No! Bill Curry handily beat Al Michaels without any help from your judge, who hates Bill Curry with the fire of a million suns. Michaels will be keeping a close eye on if Curry can stay within twelve votes of Walton.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 09:16 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
July 19, 2005
Postgame press conference highlights III
Stephen A. Smith (1) "I told ya...I told ya...I told ya I was the better man!"
(Reporter) "But Stephen, you lost and are advancing because everyone hates you!"
(SAS) "What!? Then everyone is bunch of damned fools. It's Greg Anthony's fault. I can't explain it. People obviously cannot handle an intelligent, sexy & well dressed black man like myself. Whatever...this press conference is o-v-e-r...time for me to go & ring Iverson up on his cell and take the man out for some drinks-PEACE!"
Hank Goldberg (16) "Vegas laid 40:1 odds against me and I was correct in pointing out that it was a humid day, about 89, wind blowing in, rookie quarterback starting. I laid the odds and came home to roost."
Paul Maguire (8) "Let me tell you something... Do you think I don't want to not win this? I want you to watch something now... Watch this! [Moons reporters.]
J.A. Adande (9) "What did I tell you...what did I tell Mariotti & Paige...people love me. Hello, even Kobe respects me now because of my face time on Around the Horn. I said Maguire was going down and I still have a job. You people should listen to me more often."
William C. Rhoden (4) "I spoke to Richard Williams, Terrell Owens, Allen Iverson and Barry Bonds; they are all in agreement with me that this is conspiracy. A conspiracy against a black man from the northeast. "
Mike Greenberg (13) "Thank God...now Golic owes me 50 bucks and I can finally leave here and get a much needed spa treatment and pedicure. Plus, my skin is feeling a bit dry--does anyone have any lotion available?"
Jim Rome (5) "Where are the clones when you need them? Clones, Rome is burning now because I am advancing in this tournament. I competed in the name of Pat Tillman and that still meant nothing? This thing was rigged, maybe even fixed. Thanks for the vine. War Bristol. War my goatee. War the Gouchos. Rome out."
Jim Donnan (12) "Look here, boy...I do not appreciate being compared to an evil, southern sheriff. It's time I teach all you reporter boys a lesson. We are gonna go down to Miss May's, have some delicious mint julep pie and then I will whip the stuffin' out of each and every one of ya."
-- Alex R. w/Mac T.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 03:09 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
Game Twenty: Steve Phillips vs. Sal Paolantonio
5. Steve Phillips
The Crimes:
- Well, sexual harassment, for one.
- Failed general manager, proving that you don't have to be a failed coach or failed athlete to get an ESPN desk job.
- Makes up stories.
- Got himself fired from the Mets, which really disappoints us because we're Braves fans.
Versus
12. Sal Palantonio
The Crimes:
- Big Philly homer.
- In cold weather, turns into Rudolph. Seriously, look at how red his nose gets.
- Also makes things up.
Voting is closed. Results coming soon.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 09:54 AM | Comments (70) | TrackBack
Game Nineteen: Dan LeBatard vs. Chris Mortensen (Jerry Jones Subregional)
4. Dan LeBatard
The Crimes:
- The one man at ESPN who might have a bigger ego than Lupica.
- Wrote the "If you didn't vote for Shaq for MVP you're a racist" column.
- Just plain evil.
- Has his own radio show.
- Kornheiser keeps bringing him on PTI even though everyone hates him.
Versus
13. Chris Mortensen
The Crimes:
- Makes up trade rumors.
- Would like to be Billy Bush.
- Used to have one of those cheesy little blond-guy mustaches. Remember that?
Voting is closed. Results coming soon.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 09:46 AM | Comments (71) | TrackBack
Game Eighteen: Harold Reynolds vs. Sean Salisbury (Jerry Jones Subregional)
8. Harold Reynolds
The Crimes:
- Reliably terrible on Baseball Tonight, but somehow has become a fixture, outlasting everyone from Roy Smalley to Tony Gwynn.
- Never ever knows what he's talking about.
- Not as annoying as Joe Morgan, but in his own mind was as good of a player.
- Even though he spent all but one season of his career on the West Coast, part and parcel of ESPN's "All Yankees/Red Sox, All The Time" baseball strategy.
versus
9. Sean Salisbury
The Crimes:
- "Arguments" with John Clayton are shrill and annoying.
- Plus he always loses, coming off as a blithering idiot.
- Looks like a fetus.
- Constant USC shilling.
- Bill Curryesque moralizer.
Voting is closed. Results coming soon.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 09:41 AM | Comments (88) | TrackBack
Game Seventeen: Chris Berman vs. Rece Davis (Jerry Jones Subregional)
1. Chris Berman
The Crimes:
- Inventor of stupid nicknames that amuse you if you are ten, or stoned.
- Has been on ESPN since the dawn of time.
- Suffers from premature senility, routinely forgetting where players play and what their names are.
- Apparently gets his sportsjackets by beating up hobos.
- ABC made him wear a toupee when doing MNF halftimes, but didn't make him wear a mask.
- Occasionally broadcasts baseball even though he hasn't paid attention to the sport since 1985.
- Anchors ESPN's interminable and constantly repeated Home Run Derby coverage.
- Inventor of ESPN anchor self-promotion, so ultimately everything on this page is his fault.
versus
16. Rece Davis
(Won play-in game over Kenny Mayne, 20-6.)
The Crimes:
- Overtanning.
- Went to Alabama, but for some reason hasn't killed Corso yet.
Voting is closed. Results coming soon.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 09:38 AM | Comments (70) | TrackBack
Kobe Bryant Subregional results
Final Score: Smith 78, Goldberg 3
Though not able to achieve the suspected shutout, Stephen A. Smith handily defeated Hank Goldberg in the biggest blowout of the tournament so far. Goldberg was at the track and could not be reached.
Final Score: Maguire 45, Adande 38
Let me tell you something. You see this here? This here is a comeback. Buried early, Paul Maguire rallied in the second half, putting away J. A. Adande and ending the ATH run. He'll have a tough road against Smith in the second round, though.
Final Score: Rhoden 44, Greenberg 29
Vulnerable 4 seed William C. Rhoden held off Mike Greenberg, who was too busy choosing new ties to care.
Final Score: Rome 75 Donnan 9
To no one's surprise, Jim Rome laid the smackdown on Jim Donnan in the battle of guys who have nothing in common but their first names and being carbon-based life forms. Donnan was reached but I couldn't understand what he said. Rome has to be favored to pull the mild upset in the second round.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 08:57 AM | Comments (4) | TrackBack
July 18, 2005
Postgame press conference highlights II
Jason Whitlock (7) "I think it is clear cut racism when a smart, educated black man like myself, a good looking athletic guy like me is more unpopular than a pencil-necked white geek like Clayton. My writing skills are second to none and when you have a bunch of racists voting, of course they are gonna advance, a smart sexy brother like myself. And by the way, Lance Armstrong still is no athlete!"
John Clayton (10)"Sean Salisbury and I made a bet: he was sure I was more unpopular and would advance...Sean, once again you were wrong!"
Joe Theismann (3) "I am changing my name to Joe Thristol. You know, to rhyme with Bristol. And next time, would you people care to a show a legend in his own mind like me some respect already and vote for someone else?"
Mike Golic (14) "Now that this is finally over, can I finally go & get something to
eat already?"
Woody Paige (6) "I TOLD YOU PEOPLE...I TOLD YOU I WAS SMARTER THAN TOM TOLBERT AND YET YOU STILL VOTED FOR ME. I KNOW THAT MARIOTTI IS BEHIND THIS. JUST LIKE I TOLD YOU THE PHOENIX SUNS WERE GOING TO COME BACK DOWN 3-0 AND BEAT THE SPURS IN THE WESTERN CONFERENCE FINALS."
Tom Tolbert (11) "Get a clue...I don't even work at ESPN anymore. I am going to take my 5.7 points per game to the beach and surf. Later dudes."
Joe Morgan (2) "I outlined what should have happened in my match with Suzy Kolber before it even started, and yet incorrectly, Suzy Kolber was allowed to stay at ESPN. I think this is the problem we have here. People are reading way too many books on how to incorrectly play this game and I was diagramming this for everyone and yet it seems to have fallen on deaf ears."
Suzy Kolber (15) "Who let Namath into this press conference? Someone call security. Back to you Paul & Joe."
-- Alex R.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 11:52 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
Game Sixteen: Bill Curry vs. Al Michaels
6. Bill Curry
The Crimes:
- Ruined my high school graduation by giving the commencement speech.
- Relates everything that ever happens to something he heard once from Vince Lombardi.
- ESPN continues to assign him to Alabama games whenever possible just to taunt us.
- No matter where he is or what the situation, there's always time for a sermon.
- Action-figure hair.
- Seriously, they even sent him all the way to cover Alabama games in Hawaii each of the past two years.
Versus
11. Al Michaels
The Crimes:
- Enormous ego.
- Refused to keep Hubie Brown quiet when he was rambling on and on about nothing in particular. (Okay, this was on ABC, same difference nowadays.)
- Doesn't really seem to get basketball but they assigned him to the Finals anyway.
- Fricking ubiquitous.
Voting now closed, results to come...
Posted by Mac Thomason at 09:15 AM | Comments (65) | TrackBack
Game Fifteen: Bill Walton vs. Merrill Hoge (Kareem Abdul-Jabbar subregional)
3. Bill Walton
The Crimes:
- Terrible, just terrrrrrible.
- Regular old bald-faced liar.
- Windbag.
- The world's tallest hippie.
- So bad he makes you almost sorry for Stephen A. Smith.
- Singlehandedly capable of supporting seven pot dealers.
- Criticizes everyone but a few big men.
- Somehow, every time he comes on the screen, I smell patchouli oil.
Versus
14. Merrill Hoge
The Crimes:
- From his wardrobe, apparently thinks Bristol is Swinging London.
- Determined Steelers homer.
- Last name clearly should be spelled "Hodge".
Voting now closed, results to come...
Posted by Mac Thomason at 09:11 AM | Comments (71) | TrackBack
Game Fourteen: Jay Bilas vs. Dan Patrick (Kareem Abdul-Jabbar subregional)
7. Jay Bilas
The Crimes:
- Because he played at Duke he's better than you, at least according to him.
- At the draft, rips GMs for picks he doesn't like, which wouldn't be so bad if he knew what he was talking about.
- Josh Smith, bust. Uh-huh.
- Object of Tony Kornheiser's creepy man-crush.
versus
10. Dan Patrick
The Crimes:
- Spent three months on his radio show talking about nothing but steroids.
- Terrible cameo, terrible mustache, terrible movie.
- Used to partner with Rob Dibble, who would have been at least a three seed if he still worked for ESPN.
- Narcissistic has-been.
Voting now closed, results to come...
Posted by Mac Thomason at 09:08 AM | Comments (79) | TrackBack
Game Thirteen: Michael Irvin vs. Michael Wilbon (Kareem Abdul-Jabbar subregional)
2. Michael Irvin
The Crimes:
- Actually is a convicted felon.
- And a habitual drug user.
- Oh, but now he's found God, so that's okay.
- Tireless self-promoter.
- Played for the University of Miami.
- And for the Cowboys.
- And won't shut up about either.
- Actually, just won't shut up, period.
- Used to be on The Worst Show Of Any Kind Anywhere, or whatever they call it.
Versus
15. Michael Wilbon
The Crimes:
- Chicago homer.
- Likes Tony Kornheiser, and has enabled his decline into sports irrelevance.
- If there was no Pardon the Interruption, there would be no Around The Horn.
Voting now closed, results to come...
Posted by Mac Thomason at 09:05 AM | Comments (80) | TrackBack
July 17, 2005
Curt Schilling Subregional results
Final Score: Morgan 100, Kolber 9
Never close, as Joe Morgan jumped out to a 20-0 lead. I called Joe to give him the good news:
ME: Hi, Mr. Morgan, I'm just calling to let you know that you beat Suzy Kolber in the first round.
JOE: WHAT?!? Why is Suzy Kolber saying that I beat her? I barely know Suzy Kolber!
ME: No, no, it's a contest, you see.
JOE: She said I beat her as part of a contest?
ME: No, we're not saying you beat her up. You got more---
JOE: She's saying that I can't beat her up? I'm a Hall of Fame athlete, I think I can take a woman!
ME: Suzy isn't saying that you can't take her, it's only that---
JOE: If Suzy Kolber thinks I can beat her, she shouldn't have written that I couldn't.
ME: I don't think you understand---
JOE: I am not going to be insulted! Good day, sir!
ME: I just---
JOE: I said, good day!
Final Score: Whitlock 82, Clayton 9
Jason Whitlock's impressive showing was as big of a blowout as we've seen in the middle seeds. John Clayton says inside sources have revealed that big changes will be made in his program this offseason. Whitlock faces off against Morgan in what surely will be the tournament's biggest size mismatch.
Final Score: Theismann 84, Golic 25
Mike Golic just couldn't keep pace with Joe Theismann, who could not be reached as he was too busy figuring out a way to make his name rhyme with "Bristol".
Final Score: Paige 86, Tolbert 20
Woody Paige and Skip Bayless are now planning a twenty-minute debate on whether the Around The Horn/Cold Pizza bloc of candidates was underseeded. A lot of hate out there for those guys. The upcoming Paige/Theismann festival of hate should be very interesting.
Confession to make... Some wondered about Tolbert's seeding. He was actually not originally in the tournament. Andy Katz was in this space, but I couldn't think of any interesting insults for him and I wanted to mention the Zippy the Pinhead thing. I don't think Katz would have done any better against Paige, though.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 02:02 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
July 15, 2005
Game Twelve: Jim Rome vs. Jim Donnan (Kobe Bryant subregional)
5. Jim Rome
The Crimes:
- Chameleonlike, capable of disparaging athletes behind their backs, individually or as a class...
- And then turning into the white Stu Scott when they come into interviews.
- "Chris".
- They keep giving him television shows, even though his schtick doesn't work on TV and he doesn't have a big enough audience even for cable.
- His zombielike radio followers.
Versus
12. Jim Donnan
The Crimes:
- Biased against certain schools, like those who fired him.
- Big stupid hick.
- Alex hates him for failing as Georgia coach. This is petty, maybe, but wait until I start on Bill Curry.
Voting closed, results to come.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 02:35 PM | Comments (87) | TrackBack
Game Eleven: William C. Rhoden vs. Mike Greenberg (Kobe Bryant subregional)
4. William C. Rhoden
The Crimes:
- Remarkably racist, more than Jason Whitlock.
- Pompous and arrogant.
- Managed to slow The Sports Reporters to an unpleasant crawl even when Dick Schaap was alive and now is even worse.
Versus
13. Mike Greenberg
The Crimes:
- Only cares about New York and Chicago teams.
- Mike & Mike: The Cartoon.
- He brags about being a metro sexual and being a wimp, and yet he co-hosts a sports program... It's just wrong.
Voting closed, results to come.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 02:34 PM | Comments (76) | TrackBack
Game Ten: Paul Maguire vs. J. A. Adande (Kobe Bryant subregional)
8. Paul Maguire
The Crimes:
- Theismann's partner in crime.
- Thinks he's funny, but he's not.
- Constantly babbles.
- Fills dead air so Theismann can get away with his babble instead of being forced to do actual analysis.
- Unsightly.
versus
9. J. A. Adande
The Crimes:
- Arrogant LA sportswriter.
- Laker homer.
- Screaming head on sign of the Apocalypse Around The Horn.
- Joins in that show's "holler if you want attention" mindset.
Voting closed, results to come.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 02:33 PM | Comments (83) | TrackBack
Game Nine: Stephen A. Smith vs. Hank Goldberg (Kobe Bryant subregional)
1. Stephen A. Smith
The Crimes:
- Screams so much he's earned the nickname "Screamin' A. Smith".
- ESPN had him as main analyst at their draft even though he didn't know who the players were.
- ESPN fired the classy and knowledgable David Aldridge so they could focus more on Smith.
- A know-it-all who actually knows almost nothing.
- Because I hit the mute button every time he comes on, my right thumb is now the strongest part of my body.
- Makes guys like Tim Legler and Greg Anthony look like talented professional broadcasters.
- They're giving him his own show!
- Everyday!
- For an hour!
-
Versus
16. Hank Goldberg
The Crimes:
- Old and unsightly.
- Gambling tout.
Voting closed, results to come.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 02:32 PM | Comments (82) | TrackBack
Postgame Press Conference highlights
Mike Lupica (5) "In sports, we lose sight of the fact sometimes that we are just people. For Jeff Brantley, we forget that he's a person too. What Mr. Brantley has forgotten is that I am a better person and that's why he's advancing from Bristol faster then me."
Jeff Brantley (12) "It was all about the mullet and my years of being such a dominant, Mariano Rivera-like closer."
Mitch Albom (9) "I want to start off by apologizing to sports fans everywhere for holding my press conference early to declare that I was one step closer to moving from Bristol. That was wrong of me. In life, the lessons we learn sometimes are the most painful ones and the humiliation I have received through being even less unpopular than John Kruk will stay with me forever. It's like Morrie always said to me, 'you can't catch flys without honey' and 'Always give 110%' and also, 'leave everything on the field, or in my case, in my work.' Thank you Morrie for your life lessons and that great TV movie with Hank Azaria and Jack Lemmon."
John Kruk (8) "Clearly I still go it...like that time at the All Star Game I always remind people about when Randy Johnson struck me out on three pitches."
Stuart Scott (1) "BOO-YAH! You know, I spoke with my boys MJ & Shaq-daddy before my matchup with Van Pelt and they were like 'yo dog, just keep it real and you can lay the smackdown on Van Pelt's creepy looking ass'; Yo, dogs, thanks for the talk and for keepin' it real...c'mon down to the crib later and let's have a 40 together. Peace!"
Scott Van Pelt (16) (As Stephen A. Smith) "I was tewwwible! The New York Knicks are tewwwible. Scott Layden is tewwwible. HoWEVER...."
Jim Gray (4)
"It was an unbelieveable night here in New York. Kobe Bryant once again was brilliant with 55 points...oh wait, I can't kiss up to Kobe...anyway, I am moving on so back to you Al & Hubie."
Trev Alberts (13) "It's Frank Solich's fault. If Tom Osbourne was still coaching Nebraska, I would have moved on."
-- Alex R.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 01:14 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack
July 14, 2005
Derek Jeter Subregional Results
Final Score: Scott 123, Van Pelt 8
Boo-yah! Stu Scott never trailed and the last tie was at 2-2. Yes, just like the real committee, we protect our #1 seeds. The score wasn't remotely close. Maybe Stu should have gone to his bench.
Final Score: Kruk 87, Albom 55
Next up for the heavily favored Stu, John Kruk, who after falling behind early had a surprisingly easy time of it with Mitch Albom. Mitch, unfortunately, has already filed a column about his own victory.
Final Score: Brantley 81, Lupica 72
There really is always a 12-5 upset. Mike Lupica mounted a valiant comeback, but ran out of time and could not overtake Jeff Brantley. Lupica blamed this on Brantley's home-field advantage among baseball fans and vowed to become even shorter and even more annoying.
Final Score: Grey 100, Alberts 26
Brantley will go on to face a well-rested Jim Grey. Grey was never seriously threatened by Trev Alberts, who went down like a post-Osbourne Nebraska team playing at Oklahoma.
In the morning, I hope to do a "highlight show" post, picking out the best comments. Winners will receive nothing at all. Well, a credit.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 09:05 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
Game Eight: Woody Paige vs. Tom Tolbert (Curt Schilling Subregional)
6. Woody Paige
The Crimes:
- Regular on Around The Horn.
- And on Cold Pizza.
- Screams at people as a way of making his point.
- Picked the Suns to win the NBA Western Conference finals when the Spurs were up 3-0, which is just dumb.
Versus
11. Tom Tolbert
The Crimes:
- Looks like Zippy the Pinhead.
- Wants to be Bill Walton when he grows up.
- Managed the impossible feat of being so bad they kicked him off ABC, a network that willingly employs Walton and Vitale.
- Played eight seasons in the NBA despite averaging 5.7 points per game, but got a broadcasting job anyway.
Voting now closed. Results coming soon.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 12:03 PM | Comments (107) | TrackBack
Game Seven: Joe Theismann vs. Mike Golic (Curt Schilling Subregional)
3. Joe Theismann
The Crimes:
- Babbles on and on without actually saying anything.
- LT should have broken his face.
- There are 21 people on the field who aren't quarterbacks, but you wouldn't know it from him.
- Joins with Paul Maguire to form a two-man color team that is so dense no information can escape.
- Changed the pronunciation of his name to rhyme with "Heisman", didn't win, but kept the change anyway.
- Went to Notre Dame.
Versus
14. Mike Golic
The Crimes:
- Another unsightly tub of goo.
- Looks like a guy whose brother would be a regular on Saved By The Bell: The College Years.
- Mike & Mike: The Cartoon.
- Went to Notre Dame!
Voting now closed. Results coming soon.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 12:02 PM | Comments (109) | TrackBack
Game Six : Jason Whitlock vs. John Clayton (Curt Schilling Subregional)
7. Jason Whitlock
The Crimes:
- Racist.
- Homophobe.
- Makes John Kruk look slim.
- Says that Lance Armstrong isn't an athlete, which is like Jessica Simpson saying that Albert Einstein wasn't a scientist.
- Actually makes Lupica seem less evil in comparison.
versus
10. John Clayton
The Crimes:
- Just looks like a complete nerd.
- Face made for radio.
- Voice made for mime.
Voting now closed. Results coming soon.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 12:00 PM | Comments (93) | TrackBack
Game Five: Joe Morgan vs. Suzy Kolber (Curt Schilling Subregional)
2. Joe Morgan
The Crimes:
- Attacked Billy Beane for writing a book he didn't write.
- And which Morgan hasn't read.
- A genuinely great baseball player who now advocates a style of play counter to his own.
- A once-fine analyst who now refuses to analyze any game except in terms of his ideology.
- Yells at people for having opinions counter to that ideology.
- An intelligent baseball player who now sports ridiculously stupid opinions.
- A fearless attacker of strawmen.
- Arrogant SOB.
- Has made Sunday Night Baseball unlistenable.
- Like Jim Grey, after a while makes you start to feel sorry for Pete Rose.
- Is short.
versus
15. Suzy Kolber
The Crimes:
- Didn't knee Namath in the crotch for sexually harassing her.
- Determinedly "cute", which isn't going to age well.
- Stop squinting!
Voting now closed. Results coming soon.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 11:58 AM | Comments (110) | TrackBack
July 13, 2005
The site so far
Wow, I didn't expect such a response so quickly. Guess we hit a nerve. Thank you, all of you.
The second subregional will be posted some time tomorrow; I'm going to allow some overlap before closing the first subregional tomorrow night. I guess we already know a couple of the winners. Or losers. Well, they're all losers in their own special ways.
I've fiddled with the stylesheet a little to improve readibility. I'm not crazy about the color scheme but it's at least neutral. If anyone who actually understands what they're doing wants to help out it would be appreciated.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 10:44 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
July 12, 2005
Game Four: Mike Lupica vs. Jeff Brantley (Derek Jeter subregional)
Voting closed. Results to come.
5. Mike Lupica
The Crimes:
- Possibly the most arrogant person ever on ESPN, which is saying something.
- Actually a bigger jerk when the cameras are off.
- Is always right, at least in his own mind.
- Actually a talented writer so you have to take him seriously sometimes.
versus
12. Jeff Brantley
The Crimes:
- The biggest, dumbest hick on Baseball Tonight, which is an accomplishment.
- King of the Mullet People.
- Remarkably untelegenic.
Posted by Mac Thomason at 09:41 PM | Comments (155) | TrackBack
- Old and unsightly.