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July 31, 2005

Dan LeBatard versus Steve Phillips

4. Dan LeBatard (Defeated Chris Mortensen 64-7)

The Case Against:

"I'm seeded lower than Mike Tirico?" -- Dan LeBatard

"I'm surprised they got his lips away from Ricky Williams or Shaq's backside long enough to take that pic." -- Corgy

"Given the choice of being stuck on an elevator with Dan Le Bastard or giving birth to a porcupine, I'll take the porcupine. Triplets." -- Greg

"LeBatard for the Shaq column. Slightly mitigated for the truth-in-advertising factor: le bâtard is, of course, French for the bastard. Any chance it's all a big act?" -- Bill Walsh

Versus

5. Steve Phillips (Defeated Sal Paolantonio 55-15)

The Case Against:

"Why does a guy who got fired because of his lack of baseball smarts get a job where he is paid to use his baseball smarts?" -- Darlucky

"i feel sorta bad for steve phillips. he seems like a nice guy who realizes hes a dimwit, but for some reason remains a dimwit anyways." -- Jonathan

"If he's fired from ESPN, he might get to ruin another team." -- Ramar

Voting is now closed. Results coming soon.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 01:32 PM | Comments (71) | TrackBack

Chris Berman versus Sean Salisbury

1. Chris Berman (Defeated Rece Davis, 56-12)

The Case Against:

"Chris "Rublin', Stumblin',cookie munchin',hairline going going, back,back,back...gone, HE COULD GO ALL THE WAY!" Berman." -- Smitty

"He's truly an awful, awful television presence. And try mixing up your story about how you "invented" the nickname thing once in awhile. I don't think he's changed that script in 20 years." -- D. Derek

"His calls at the Home Run Derby consist of knowing local suburbs, and mentioning them for home runs that aren't really that long. "That one's to Kalamazoo!", as the ball lands five rows deep in the bleachers." -- Carl

"Why does he ever do play-by-play for baseball anymore? He obviously (and, by obviously, I mean if you listen to the broadcast) knows & cares nothing for the game - do we really want to hear 'backbackbackbackback' again?" -- Jonathan

Versus

9. Sean Salisbury (Defeated Harold Reynolds 70-18)

The Case Against:

"He's somehow even worse as an analyst than he was as a quarterback, which is saying something." -- Stephen Silver

"And you know, sooner or later, John Clayton is going to have had enough, 40-some years of repressed rage are going to spill out, and when Salisbury takes on that condescending "I'm a jock and you know nothing" tone, Clayton is going to go all Bernie Goetz on him." -- Joe

"Until reading the posts about how other people wanted to punch him in the face, I never realized that, yes, he makes me want to punch him in the face, too. And now, all I can think about is punching Sean Salisbury in the face. Thanks a lot." -- Phil

"He reminds me of a high-school jock I knew who thought he was really smart but really had nothing smart whatsoever to contribute to society. I can not remember one piece of Salisbury analysis that I thought was interesting." -- Colin Hesse

"I'm supposed to take this guy's football analysis seriously when as recently as four years ago he's giving play-by-play of Mouser-Mecha-Catbot vs Vlad the Impaler?" -- BDouglas

Voting is now closed. Results coming soon.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 01:24 PM | Comments (86) | TrackBack

Second Round Preview: Jerry Jones Subregional

For this subregional, we have special guest previewers James Brown, Terry Bradshaw, Howie Long, and Jimmy Johnson of Fox Sports.

BROWN: Hello, and welcome to our preview of the Jerry Jones subregional in the Dallas Cowboys regional.

JOHNSON: How 'bout them Cow--

BROWN: Don't! We'll be previewing the Jerry Jones subregional today. First up, Chris Berman versus Sean Salisbury. Terry, your thoughts?

BRADSHAW: Weeeeeell, JB, I don't know much. I'm dumb. I'm stupider than a gator in a coop with a muskrat on its tail. But I do know onnnnne thing. There's somethin' seriously wrong when a scrub like Sean Salisbury gets a TV job. But what do you expect from the guys who hired Mark Malone?

BROWN: So, you like Salisbury's chances of pulling the upset?

BRADSHAW: Did Ah say thet, JB? Howie, JB's puttin words in my mouth.

LONG: Hey, leave me out of this. [To himself] I miss Teri.

BRADSHAW: Chris Berman is one of the greats. He's like the Brett Favre of annoying sportscasting. He's got this one in the bag.

BROWN: Okay, then. What about the other matchup? Steve Phillips versus Dan LeBatard, a 4-5 match between two guys who won easily in the first round. Howie?

LONG: I have no idea who either of these guys is.

JOHNSON: Me neither.

BRADSHAW: I'm sure I don't know, JB. But I think you have to go with Dan LeBatard. I had my assistant read the comments on this matchup and most of the people who voted for Phillips hated him for ruinin' the Mets, not his broadcastin'. Plus, I hear LeBatard's goin' round havin' bloggers on his radio show, that can't be good.

BROWN: Okay, let's send it to Joe, Troy, and Chris for the event. Guys?

Posted by Mac Thomason at 01:22 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Second Round Results: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar Subregional

Walton 68, Curry 50

Despite accusations of voting irregularities, Bill Walton held off Bill Curry, with a late run giving him some breathing room. Curry is reminded of something Vince Lombardi once told him.

Irvin 86, Bilas 14

Never threatened, Michael Irvin moves on to the next round, where Bilas says his length and projectibility means he should have a good shot at moving on.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 01:01 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

July 29, 2005

Mike Tirico vs. Tony Reali

3. Mike Tirico (Defeated Tim Kurkjian 62-13)

The Case Against:

"The sad thing is, as NBA analysts go, Tirico is above-average :-(
what a terrible group." -- Paul

"Why does ESPN promote guys who sexually harass women but demote guys who pee off a balcony? Which is worse?" -- Chad

"For some reason, I remember him being smarmy during that whole Jimmy Kimmel-rioting-in-Detroit kerfluffle last year. And even if I'm remember it wrong, he seems smarmy enough to win on merit." -- Phil

"How is he good enough to merit keeping despite several glaring character flaws? What does it take to get fired? Is he the lynchpin for the whole network and I'm just missing something?" -- Drewdat

Versus

6. Tony Reali (Defeated Michele Tafoya 78-13)

"I hate Tony Reali as much as anyone on ESPN. He's seeded too low. He's a greasy-haired, wannabe player (not in the sports sense) with an attitude problem and absolutely no TV talent to speak of except a talent for acting like an egomaniacal, smart-aleck teenager. And his show sucks." -- Jenny

"If he was called "stat boy" on ATH, maybe he wouldn't be as annoying, but he doesn't know his place." -- Matt

"Reali is just awful and I hope he gets prostate cancer." -- Buster

"I can respect someone lucking into something despite having no demonstrable talent other than not being Max Kellerman. But I can't tolerate someone who doesn't seem to realize they're nothing more than the ringmaster at the monkey circus." -- Phil

"Reali is a preening moron and the only thing that might stop him from winning this whole thing is his relative insignificance." -- Jason

"How exactly did he land a salaried job, anyways? Did he do anything before Fortune decided to smile on him and crap on the rest of us for however long his reign of tyranny on ESPN (also known as Around the Horn) lasts?" -- Drewdat

Voting now closed. Results coming soon.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 12:33 PM | Comments (84) | TrackBack

Bob Ryan vs. Tim Legler

10. Bob Ryan (Defeated Peter Gammons 75-23)

The Case Against:

"When I agree with him, he's fantastic. But when I don't he's an asshole." -- Matt

"Ryan, hands down for the Nomah bushwacking AND the Kidd incident, which move him far beyond lack of character into true malignancy, with malice aforethought." -- Cult of Basebaal

"The single worst idea in television history was the decision to put Bob Ryan in front of a camera and give him 25 seconds to make a coherent point about anything. 'Huh-bluh...bi-bi-bip...ummm...pa-pa-pa-pa....' and so forth." -- Sansho1

"Ryan is the shrillest, loudest, whiniest windbag on the network." -- Chris

"Ryan comes off as the obnoxious guy at the bar, mouthing off about a lot of things he doesn't really know much about." -- Scott Petersen

Versus

15. Tim Legler (Defeated Lee Corso 50-44)

The Case Against:

"Have you noticed that he always speaks in hip-hop lingo when surrounded by Smith, Anthony, and whoever else?" -- Steve

"He has nothing to say, and he hardly knows how to talk or sit still on camera." -- Sean

"Legler bragged on the Mike and Mike Show that his "game" gets him into all the best nightclubs and restaurants - can this possibly be true?" -- Steven

"Basketball commentary at ESPN is unwatchable and therefore everyone associated with it must pay the price." -- Larry

Voting now closed. Results coming soon.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 12:32 PM | Comments (83) | TrackBack

Second Round Preview: Jimmy Johnson Subregional

The Road From Bristol is happy to announce that we've received a preview for the next subregional written by an ESPN.com employee! He wishes to remain nameless, for fear of retribution (the ATH gang is vicious; they recently broke the kneecaps of a PA) but he sent this on:

The Legler Kid Rolls On by The Anonymous Guy

The big story in this bracket was the Daniel LaRusso-like upset pulled by Tim Legler on Lee Corso. As one of the 19 remaining NBA fans on the planet, I heartily approve. Legler is like one of those contestants on Survivor that at first you don't pay any attention to but over the weeks gets more and more annoying until you can't take it any more and feel like shoving pencils into your eardrums. Also, I don't watch college football.

Meanwhile, I am outraged that Peter Gammons and Bob Ryan were even included in this tournament. Gammons is the Guru! Ryan knows more about the NBA than anyone on the planet! The Anonymous Boy used to wake up to the Boston Globe sports section every day, hoping that there would be a column by one of these guys. If I had to choose, Ryan was the right call, but even Jimy Williams could make this pick.

AG's pick: Legler by 25

Mike Tirico is a fine professional sportscaster, no matter what you think of his personal life. Not to go on a rant here, but why is everyone in this country so hung up when a guy flirts with an attractive woman? I don't think we should hold that against him. (Uh-oh, the Anonymous Gal is looking at me again.)

The Around The Horn guys, however, make me want to put on a mask and start slashing and stabbing like Michael Myers. Tony Reali is no Max Kellerman, because horror sequels are never as scary as the original. Still, this sequel won't be the last of the series.

AG's pick: Reali by 20

By the way, I'm drunk again.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 12:31 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

Second Round Results: Kobe Bryant Subregional

Smith 115, Maguire 26

Stephen A. Smith screams into the sweet 16, while Paul Maguire, who apparently is gone from ESPN anyway after this football season, ends his run. Maguire might have had a shot against anyone else but not the Smith steamroller.

Rome 101, Rhoden 27

After jumping out to a 3-0 lead, William C. Rhoden couldn't hang with Jim Rome, who lended support to the widely held belief he was underseeded. The second round matchup with Smith should set some sort of record for hearing damage. Rhoden's comment should be finished sometime this weekend.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 12:30 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

July 28, 2005

Michael Irvin vs. Jay Bilas

2. Michael Irvin (Defeated Michael Wilbon 73-6)

The Case Against:

"Miami and the Cowboys would be enough, if it weren't for the fact that he's absolutely dreadful." -- Ramar

"My only concern about voting for Irvin is that upon learning he's won, he'll probably have some coke orgy or something, but nonetheless Irvin gets my vote." -- SP

"Actually, despite my third-generation Redskins fandom, I have to credit the guy's enthusiasm and clear willingness to improve his TV persona. But he's really not a good broadcaster at all yet. He should be on some local channel somewhere for a few years getting his chops. Also, Mike, two words: Elocution lessons. Bumping Sterling Sharpe (a solid ex-jock commentator) for him (if that's what happened) is a close second to the Aldridge-for-Smith crime against humanity." -- Bill Walsh

Versus

7. Jay Bilas (Defeated Dan Patrick 41-38)

The Case Against:

"He gave Stephen A. a run for his money as worst draft commentator ever." -- Paul

"Too condescending, and not in a funny way. He acts like it's beneath him to even talk about why Duke will win every game, because you should know this already." -- Altercall

"Bilas's studio analysis on college basketball drives me nuts! (I like his game analysis however). His ranting about the RPI and supporting all schools in major conferences while simultaneoulsy ranting against any school from a small conference other than Gonzaga is terrible. It's not just what conference you play in, Jay, it's how good your team is!" -- James G

Voting now closed. Results coming soon.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 01:37 PM | Comments (102) | TrackBack

Bill Walton vs. Bill Curry

3. Bill Walton (Defeated Merrill Hoge 56-14)

The Case Against:

"as bad as his whole shtick is with the TERRRIBLE and HORRRIBLE, the worst part is when he changes his mind every halftime show and bandwagons on to whatever miniscule thing he sees wrong. when the pistons were down 2-0, he's wondering wether larry brown should coach. when they come back, all of the sudden they have the heart of a champion and larry should get some medals." -- rivers

"Walton deserves some credit for overcoming his crippling speech impediment and actually moving on to a career in broadcasting, but I'm still voting for him." -- Sean

"Walton is rather funny once you listen to him as ESPN's connection to the stoned, but as David Stern's 7 foot marionnette, I tire of his incessant NBA drool." -- e

Versus

6. Bill Curry (Defeated Al Michaels 50-15)

The Case Against:

"For some reason, every time I think of Curry, I have this image of him in overalls. That, and Coach Lombardi. And do keep in mind, he's the guy that tried to run Tim Couch in the option." -- SP

"I am reminded of something an actual hockey coach once said of Barry Melrose upon hearing Melrose's criticism from the safety of the ESPN Studios: "If he's so f------ smart, how come he's so f------ unemployed?" So I vote for Curry in order to discourage ESPN's Hire-A-Failed-Coach-to-Tell-Other-People-What-They're-Doing-Wrong employment plan." -- Phil

Voting now closed. Results coming soon.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 01:29 PM | Comments (120) | TrackBack

Second Round Preview: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar Subregional

Ernie Johnson Jr.: "Hi, I'm Ernie Johnson Jr. and welcome back to Los Angeles as tonight, we offer two more great second round match-ups from the Kareem Abdul Jabbar subregional. First up, the 3 seed Bill Walton takes on the 6 seed, Bill Curry. Now Charles, Kenny, are you guys surprised that the Lakers bracket is the only bracket intact, not one upset yet in this tournament?"

Charles Barkley: "Well, you know Ernie, there's always one bracket that you don't put a bunch of lines through and I guess this year it's the Lakers bracket. Now Bill Curry is a southern boy like me taking on that giant west coast hippie, Bill Walton. I actually like Curry to win this. They are both gasious windbags but people hate to be preached to so I gotta go Curry. Plus, I hate Indian food...it gives me gas."

[Ernie & Kenny look at each other grossed out]

Kenny Smith: "I disagree with you, Chuckster...I like Walton here. The man is just terrrr-ible as he always likes to say and changes his mind every 5 minutes; that just drives people INSANE."

Barkley: "Hey, I changed my mind too...I have decided for your stupid analysis, I am not going to let it slide and actually kick your ass."

Johnson: "Now, Charles, none of that. Anyway, our next match-up features the #2 seed, Michael Irvin, taking on the 7th seed Jay Bilas."

Smith: "Well, you have to like Bilas' length and wingspan here...

Barkley: "Shut Up."

Smith: "But...

Barkley: "Shut. Up. Look, I am going fishing again. People hate Irvin. This will be a total blowout for him and he will be well rested for the Curry-Walton winner."

Johnson: "But Charles, don't you think this will be a great match-up, a real nail biter...?"

Barkley: "Screw that...Irvin in a blowout. Got anything to add, Kenny?"

Smith: "Nothing other than reminding people about the great clutch shots I used to hit for North Carolina and Houston."

-- Alex R.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 01:29 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Second Round Results: Curt Schilling Subregional

Morgan 93, Whitlock 43

The bigger they are, the harder they fall, and Jason Whitlock went down hard to Joe Morgan. Whitlock could not be reached for comment. Well, we reached him, but we couldn't understand anything through the Hardee's Thickburger.

Paige 88, Theismann 67

Woody Paige pulled the upset, slowly pulling away from Joe Theismann. (Personally, I think you people are nuts.) Theismann had a comment, but frankly it was too boring to transcribe.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 01:04 PM | Comments (9) | TrackBack

July 27, 2005

Stephen A. Smith vs. Paul Maguire

1. Stephen A. Smith (Defeated Hank Goldberg 78-3)

The Case Against:

"The worst thing about SAS isn't that he's a snivelling little whiner. It's not that he knows NOTHING about basketball. It's not that all his "scoops" are stolen from someone else. It's that will never take a stand that could cross a player. HE has to look smooth in front of them, even if that means he's the biggest sASS out there." -- Altercall

"Not only is Smith shrill and incoherent on air (I've heard he's not, off-air, but that's third-haid), but losing David Aldridge for him? The single greatest crime ESPN has perpetrated against its viewers in years." -- Bill Walsh

"STEPHEN A. SMITH! I'M MAKING THIS POST AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS!!!!! LISTEN TO ME!!!! LISTEN TO ME!!!! ISN'T THIS ANNOYING??????!!!! Now, you know how the rest of America feels, Stephen A." -- Phil

"If you could pick only one "personality" to personify what is wrong with sports on television, it would be hard to go wrong with this obnoxious, no-talent, ass-kissing, scream-at-the-top-of-his-lungs idiot." -- KC from SD

"My wife will be glad she's not the only one who wonders why he's screaming at her all the time." -- Jeremy B.

"If it can be said that ESPN "jumped the shark" when Stuart Scott came along, then let it also be said that ESPN got married to a woman with a little girl and became a teacher at the local high school with Ted McGinley when Steven A. Smith came along." -- J. Lichty

"Does he even know he is wallowing in self parody, or does he just not care?" -- Craig D. Barker

Versus

8. Paul Maguire (Defeated J.A. Adande 45-38)

The Case Against:

"I hate him more than any man alive." -- Joey T

"The single worst NFL announcer in the business today, bar none." -- Arford

"McGuire with his pseudo-intellectualism is horrible in his own right, but pair him with Theisman and I would rather give John Madden a sponge bath than listen to those two." -- J. Lichty

"Let me tell you something, Maguire is the worst broadcaster alive. He is annoying, repeats himself constantly, and...wait, watch this, watch this, BAM!!!! Did you see that? He just wet himself again." -- Luke

Voting now closed. Results coming soon.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 02:05 PM | Comments (143) | TrackBack

William C. Rhoden vs. Jim Rome

4. William C. Rhoden (Defeated Mike Greenberg, 44-29)

The Case Against:

"I used to watch Sports Reporters for its fast pace arguing, and this guys spits out 1 word an hour. As mentioned, racism to boot." -- James G

"Rhoden is what Terrence Moore would be if anyone was ever stupid enough to pick him up for a sports show. He must go." -- Bwarrend

"At the risk of being labeled a racist by Rhoden himself I have to vote for him." -- Grandcosmo

"Rhoden personifies everything I hate about the New York Times." -- Paul Scarte

"Rhoden is a festering pustule on the skin of sports, and needs to be lanced." -- Vetinari

Versus

5. Jim Rome (Defeated Jim Donnan 75-9)

The Case Against:

"He must have nude pictures of Mark Shapiro(ESPN CEO) or something because he keeps getting hired and has no audience. A sleeper final four pick." -- Bob

"Maybe by the time his sixth show is airing on ESPN2 -- "Rome Wasn't Built in a Day" it could be called or "Rome, If You Want To" or even "Rome on $8 a Day" -- an exhausted America will finally succumb to Rome's supposed charms. But not today, Jim." -- Phil

"His show is like ESPN's version of the National Enquirer or something. He looks like a serial rapist." -- Jenny

"He personifies all that is bad about sports radio. What bugs me most is that he seems to be a sharp, interesting guy who has chosen the dark side." -- Teacherrefpoet

Voting now closed. Results coming soon.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 01:54 PM | Comments (131) | TrackBack

Second Round Preview: Kobe Bryant Subregional

Ernie Johnson Jr.: "Welcome to TNT, I'm Ernie Johnson along with 'Sir' Charles Barkley and Kenny 'The Jet' Smith as we preview the 2nd round match-ups in the Lakers regional, here in the Kobe Bryant sub-regional at Staples Center. One of the very favorites of the entire "Road from Bristol" tournament is on hand tonight as the #1 seed, Stephen A. Smith takes on 8th seeded Paul Maguire. Charles...your thoughts."

Charles Barkley: "GIN-O-BI-LI! GIN-O-BI-LI!"

Johnson: "Charles? The Spurs aren't playing again until October."

Barkley: "I know, you damn fool...I just like saying GIN-O-BI-LI because it's always a great energy starter for me. Anyway, Maguire is a fat, old white dude and I think Stephen A. may be too quick for him. I mean, the people really hate Stephen A. so you have to say this game is gonna be a blowout. Maguire ain't got no shot."

Kenny Smith: "Like in my glory days at North Carolina, I think you are going to see that kind of performance from Stephen A. Smith tonight. He's SMOOTH. Remember the smoothness with which I played in Chapel Hill and then in Houston? THAT kind of smooth!"

Barkley: "Kenny, you sucked. You were one dimensional and all you could do was shoot threes all night."

Smith: "Charles, I played Hall of Fame Basketball because I was trained by Dean Smith himself."

Barkley: "Kenny, you're a damned fool. You know that? I should throw you through a window."

Johnson: "Um, ok, none of that, Charles! (mutters)...even if he deserves it (Kenny looks shocked!)...anyway, our other bracket match-up is a real barnburner...the 4 seed William C. Rhoden vs. the 5 seed, Jim Rome."

Barkley: "It don't matter... I'm going fishing. People hate Rome and hell, I don't even know who the hell Rhoden is. Rome won't break a sweat tonight.

Johnson: "Charles, are you serious? I mean, c'mon...we have a matchup to promote... tell the people it will be exciting!"

Barkley: "Who cares...people just want me to be straight. Rome will squash this no name."

Smith: "Charles, I am afraid I am going to have to disagree again. It's like those big shots I took for Houston in the 1994 Finals... Rhoden has that kind of angry passion and people hate the man. Hell, he hates white people and respects guys like Richard Williams. Rhoden has a real shot if the clones stay home."

-- Alex R.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 01:30 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Second Round Results: Derek Jeter Subregional

Scott 111, Kruk 35

Stu Scott reinforced his status as the overall favorite by blowing out what was considered a strong #8 seed. John Kruk will have a comment as soon as we can make him understand what's happening, so six to eight weeks, tops.

Gray 90, Brantley 42

Sometimes after pulling off the 12-5 upset you're just overmatched in the second round. That's what happened to Jeff Brantley, as the King of the Mullet People fell decisively to the Lord of the Sideline Reporters, Jim Gray. We're pretty sure that we can explain the events to Brantley in no more than four weeks.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 01:30 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

July 26, 2005

This would have moved him up

ESPN Signs Michaels for 'Monday Night Football' - New York Times

"Shapiro would not discuss whether ESPN was retaining Joe Theismann and Paul Maguire as the analysts."

Posted by Mac Thomason at 02:57 PM | Comments (12) | TrackBack

July 25, 2005

Joe Theismann vs. Woody Paige

3. Joe Theismann (Defeated Mike Golic, 84-25)

The Case Against:

"When he's announcing, he makes me want to turn NFL games off." -- Jeff

"The next thing he says that is even semi-intelligent will be the first." -- Joe

"Will yell at officials about ANYTHING, yet doesn't seem to know the rules of football." -- Teacherrefpoet

"Theismann makes me homicidal. The only good thing about living in Dallas is that all the How-Bout-Them-Cowboys fans still pronounce his name "Theesman." This is the only thing I like about Cowboys fans. Half of what Joey says on Sunday Night Football could be discerned easily by a baby chimpanzee; the other half is stated for the sole purpose of starting an argument with Paul Maguire." -- PhillyBill

"The people who say they like Sunday Night Football should be liquidated." -- Grandcosmo

Versus

6. Woody Paige (Defeated Tom Tolbert, 86-20)

The Case Against:

"I've watched Around the Horn. Please, someone, kill him." -- Randy Jones

"i'd rather cut off my balls with the shards from a broken pepsi bottle and wear the bloody rambutans as sunglasses than ever witness the horror that is woody paige again in my life." -- Cult of Basebaal. (A little extreme, there. -- MT)

"Paige, because I can't believe ESPN executives saw this bug-eyed, sub-articulate yahoo scream his way through another ill-conceived argument and thought, 'Boy, America needs to be watching more of this guy!'" -- Phil

"Around the Horn and that Pizza show and SaS getting his own show? Is ESPN666 "All Talk" next?" -- KC from SD

Voting is now closed. Results coming soon.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 11:15 PM | Comments (155) | TrackBack

Joe Morgan vs. Jason Whitlock

2. Joe Morgan (Defeated Suzy Kolber, 100-9)

The Case Against:

"He has no competition for the award as the ex-player turned announcer with the biggest drop-off from the quality of his play to the "quality" of his announcing." -- Sam M.

"I can't stand his announcing. Really more than any one else's announcing his is worse by several orders of magnitude. There is no actual way I can think of to describe how bad Morgan is as an announcer." -- hap

"If he wins, you can find him immediately behind Barry Bonds, kissing his ass." -- Bill McCabe

"The total mass of Morgan and Reggie Jackson's heads generated enough gravitational pull to keep 4 more of Bobby's Abreau's swings in the park Monday night." -- Downtown ATL

Versus

7. Jason Whitlock (Defeated John Clayton, 82-9)

"Whenever they do a close-up on Whitlock, my wife cracks up because his huge body takes up the whole frame - it looks even funnier immediately after a close-up on Smith, a normal sized guy. Plus, yesterday he said that Kenny Rogers was a 3-time Cy Young winner. Oops." -- Kyle S.

"Reminds me of the fat guy in Monty Python's Meaning of Life. "C'mon, it's just a wafer. Just a teeny wafer." How about that for pay-per-view?" -- KC from SD

"I don't know if I'd ever even seen him before he cohosted PTI this week, and already I hate him." -- Joseph Bradley

"I can't help but think that Jason Whitlock actively hates white people, and indeed is about to write a Page 2 column about how racist this tournament is for not seeding lower, or higher, or whatever fits his argument that day. So, Whitlock." -- SP

"How a 500-pounder can accuse Lance Armstrong of not being an athlete is beyond me. However, Whitlock might have a point since the 2000+ miles that Lance rides in the Tour de France only burn as many calories as Whitlock consumes in two meals." -- Kepa

Voting is now closed. Results coming soon.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 11:14 PM | Comments (136) | TrackBack

Second Round Preview: Curt Schilling Subregional

Greg Gumbel: "Hi, Greg Gumbel back in New York...wait, hold on...it's my cell phone...hello...Bryant, is that you? STOP CALLING ME YOU ANCIENT HACK. Yes, I will remember to bring the turkey for Thanksgi...no, Bryant, I won't talk to CBS about giving you your own sh...look, it doesn't matter how many times you ask, you are still...I don't care that mom said I had to be nicer to you. Tough...oh really...you are going to kick MY ass? I would like to see you try you pissy bitch. I cannot believe you are my older brother...look, I received a call from Katie Couric...you have to STOP CALLING HER ALREADY. Don't you get it? Just because Jane Pauley slept with you so you could keep your job, doesn't mean Katie's interested...though I did get a call from Ryan Seacrest about you...are you interested? Ok, sure...here's his number...look, I gotta wrap it up, the camera guys are getting mad.

Anyway, Greg Gumbel back here in New York with my colleagues Clark Kellogg & Seth Davis to preview the Curt Schilling Sub Regional and here are our next set of second round match ups.

Our first match features heavily favored #2 seed Joe Morgan against the surprisingly strong 7th seed, Jason Whitlock. Now guys, I don't know if Morgan will be ready for the onslaught that Whitlock unleashed on John Clayton in the 1st round. Total blowout.

Seth Davis: Look, I said all along that Whitlock was one of my sleepers...the Lance Armstrong comment was strong enough to draw the ire of most of the western world. Clark...do you dare disagree?

Clark Kellogg: No, I am going with Seth on this...

Seth Davis: Chicken****.

Clark Kellogg: Bite me, pretty boy. Anyway, never underestimate an angry fat man....just look at the surprising tournament performances of John Kruk & Jeff Brantley. Whitlock is dangerous but I think Morgan can pull it out. He does love to draw up diagrams and that should still help piss off the Baseball crowd enough.

Seth Davis: I am taking the upset and going with Whitlock..this fat turd doesn't think Lance Armstrong is a real athlete...a man who beat Cancer and just won his 7th straight Tour De France? Take the upset and Morgan shows us another vulnerable 2 seed.

Greg Gumbel: The other match-up in the Curt Schilling sub regional features the 3 seed, Joe Thristol Theismann (Greg laughs at that one) vs. the 6 seed, Woody Paige. Thoughts?

Clark Kellogg: I am going with Paige in this one. The wood-man has been on fire and people really hate "Around The Horn". I think some people have even forgotten that Theismann is even on ESPN anymore.

Seth Davis: What, are you nuts, Kellogg? The man tried to rhyme his name with "Heisman". Nuff said. Still, I also take the upset...take Paige & the points. The Wood-man is real sleeper and people need to watch out for this loudmouth. Total hateable character in my opinion.

-- Alex R.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 11:10 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Postgame Press Conference VIII

Skip Bayless (2) "Take that, Jerry Jones. Take that, Northern California. All you haters out there keep kicking me out of your towns and I just keep lining them up and mowing them down. What a total ass kicking that was...I think I see Herbstreit crying like a little girl...someone get me some damn cold pizza!"

Reporter: "But Skip, you got killed. You got all those votes because everyone hates your guts and thinks you're a preening jackass."

Skip Bayless: "Cool."

Kirk Herbstreit (15) "Lee, what did you think of my performance? Better or worse than my playing days in Columbus?? I just want people to like me."

Chris Fowler (10) "I am here on the campus of some redneck SEC school and I swear I just saw two cousins making out...and they play for Tennessee! Lee & Kirk, do either of you care to comment? Man, I am such a Big Ten homer. Gosh, I love me some Minnesota football...Glen Mason, that's where it's at!"

Greg Anthony (7) "Let's look at the videotape of my match-up with Chris Fowler. He clearly used an illegal screen and on this play, clearly should have been called for traveling. I think you have to take into question the coaching from his end because I was more brilliant today and it's why I will keep my job in Bristol for another year."

Larry Bowa (3) "WHAT THE BLUE HELL IS WRONG WITH ALL OF YOU PEOPLE? WHAT, YOU DON'T LIKE A SCREAMER? HOW BOUT I PUT ALL YOUR GRANDMOTHERS THROUGH ONE OF MY SPRING TRAININGS AND THEN YOU PEOPLE WILL FINALLY BE TOO AFRAID TO HATE ME. FOR GOD'S SAKE, WILL SOMEONE GET ME SOME FREAKING COFFEE...I NEED TO CALM DOWN ALREADY. EVERYONE HERE JUST WON'T PLAY AS GOOD AS I ASK THEM TO!"

Mel Kiper (6) "The reason people voted for me is because I am 6-4, 240 pound linebacker out of McNeese State and I run a 4.3 40. My upside is tremendous, and frankly, so is my hair. I am worth at least a high 2nd round pick, though I suspect both Denver and Atlanta are interested in trading up to get me, fearing I could be off the board at their picks in the middle of the second round. It is possible the Chargers could take me and then deal me along with Philip Rivers for future draft considerations. I mean, I could just go on & on & on & on..."

Ron Jaworski (11) "Suzy, let's go to the videotape. Here you see Kiper, rattling on and on about some kid drafted in the sixth round. Here you see Kiper, talking about next year's draft already. And here you see The Hair. Kiper was easy to attack, and so I continue on. And Hoge, you look like an idiot."

--Alex R. w/MT

Posted by Mac Thomason at 11:01 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

Bracket through Round 1

Thanks again to Bill.

Download file

Posted by Mac Thomason at 11:51 AM | Comments (6) | TrackBack

Jim Gray vs. Jeff Brantley

4. Jim Gray (Defeated Trev Alberts, 100-26)

The Case Against:

"I'd have started a massive write-in "Rose for HOF" campaign if he'd slugged Gray in the mouth during that interview." -- UCCF

"He gets this kind of weird look on his face whenever they cut to him reporting from Los Angeles. The "I'm special because I get the inside scoop on the Lakers" look. Kissing Kobe's butt paid off for Jimmy." -- J. Rauch

"I can never concentrate on anything he has to say, because he has the largest forehead on Earth." -- PDiddie

"Gray is the smarmiest, slipperiest weasel I can think of on television. Just thinking of him makes me shiver." -- Brandon

"Possibly the most irritating interviewer of his generation. And the constant smiling indicates a possible painkiller addiction." -- Cy_young

Versus

12. Jeff Brantley (Defeated Mike Lupica, 81-72)

The Case Against:

"Brantley should learn to keep his mouth shut because 95% of what he says is either wrong or just uninteresting." -- Alio Intuito

"I would probably vote for him over everyone else on ESPN because he's such a moron." -- Josh

"Not only is Brantley an inarticulate meathead, but he talks about his playing career as though he was Dennis Eckersley or something. Brantley = Rob Dibble without the charisma. (Hahaha.)" -- Philly Bill

"The only thing worse than a closer who thinks they are the most important cog on a team, is a retired crappy closer who preaches that gospel like a Jehovah's Witness, and has a balding mullet..." -- JB

Voting now closed. Results coming soon.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 03:16 AM | Comments (134) | TrackBack

Stuart Scott vs. John Kruk

1. Stuart Scott (Defeated Scott Van Pelt, 123-8)

The Case Against:

"Stuart Scott has done more to ruin my enjoyment of ESPN than almost anyone I can think of (though, with 56 names still to go, that will probably be proven wrong)." -- UCCF

"Stu Scott is a mindless, characterless buffoon who endlessly repeats tired "urban" catchphrases for his corporate masters at Disney/ESPN. What's next, Stu? "Throw ya hands in tha air and wave 'em like ya just don't care"? What year is this? Stu Scott: Setting black culture back another couple years each night at 11." -- Philly Bill

"Inane commentator with the same likeability as persistent nasal discharge. Hosts the worst shows I've ever seen, with names like "Top 25 Screwups by Concession Stand Personnel" that repeat ALL DAY! Seen WAY too much on TV in airport bars." -- Jenny

"When I die and go to hell, I imagine that the only ESPN feed available will feature all Stuart Scott all the time. What, you mean ESPN practically does that now? Perhaps I'm already in hell." -- Phil

Versus

8. John Kruk (Defeated Mitch Albom, 87-55)

The Case Against:

"For the life of me I don't understand how Kruk remains on TV. This person is beyond stupid, if he wasn't a semi-famous former jock he wouldn't be allowed near a third rate high school radio station." -- Alio Intuito

"There has never been a commentator who says more things that are 100% wrong with such absolute conviction that he's 100% right. He can barely put three words together. If it weren't for Dick Vitale, John Kruk would be the worst announcer of any kind in sports." -- Sam M.

"John Kruk flat out stinks. It's like Caveman Baseball 101. I disagree with nearly every point he makes. He adds nothing." -- Cary

Voting is now closed. Results coming soon.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 03:07 AM | Comments (149) | TrackBack

Second Round Preview: Derek Jeter Subregional

Greg Gumbel: Hi folks...we are live from Yankee Stadium for the second round of the Derek Jeter subregional. Along with Seth Davis & Clark Kellogg, I'm Greg Gumbel, and we're here to preview you the first two second round matchups.

First up, the favorite, the #1 seed Stuart Scott and his lazy eye battle the #8 seed, heavyweight John Kruk.

Clark Kellogg: Greg, you have to like Kruk's chances for the upset...I know he's fat but he's so unattractive, that may sway people who you'd think might automatically vote for Scott.

Seth Davis: Clark, you are wrong, again. (Rolls his eyes).

I am here to tell America that not only do I look great on TV, but I am never wrong. Scott wins this in a cakewalk. Yeah, Kruk may eat some of that cake, but Scott will make the Sweet 16 with relative ease.

Clark Kellogg: Well, I am picking Scott the favorite here also, I just think it will be a lot closer than you think.

Seth Davis: You're an idiot, Kellogg.

Greg Gumbel: Next up, fellas, one of the big surprises in 'The Road from Bristol' the 12th seed, Jeff Brantley battling the 4th seed, Jim Gray. In the first round, Gray stomped a mud hole in Trev Alberts and it was never even close. Brantley on the other hand had a tough time with the favorite, Mike Lupica, but still managed the upset. Well, Clark and Seth, does this Cinderella story keep rolling or will the Brantley-mullet train be slammed down by a rolling Jim Gray?

Clark Kellogg: Gray, in a walk. Forget about the Cinderella mullet...Jim Gray is too universally hated to lose.

Seth Davis: Yes, Gray wins this for sure, Greg... but I did receive word that Pete Rose arrived at JFK recently and will be in attendence to root on Brantley. He may even have some money riding on this. At the very least, Rose is trying to psyche Gray out.

-- Alex R.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 03:02 AM | Comments (7) | TrackBack

July 24, 2005

Mike Krzyzewski Subregional results

Bayless 110, Herbstreit 8

Skip Bayless is one of the favorites, and showed why, jumping out 12-0 and running away from there against Kirk Herbstreit, who will be joining Corso in a pity party later.

Fowler 54, Anthony 47

Bayless' sacrificial lamb in the second round will be Chris Fowler, who garners a measure of revenge for the college football crowd against the NBA people for Legler's upset of Corso. Anthony will be happy to find that he's the one NBA guy that many people find half-decent.

Bowa 67, Jackson 34

Then again, Mark Jackson is apparently innocuous enough to lose handily to Larry Bowa, whose combination of former managing incompetence and current broadcasting annoyance helped him pull away in a once-close contest. Jackson is no doubt doing an annoying dance right now.

Kiper 65, Jaworski 34

In a match so short of vitriol that a couple of voters abstained, Mel Kiper, and his hair, move on. Ron Jaworski will break down the matchup once he's had a chance to review the film. As for me, I think Jaws is great.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 03:58 PM | Comments (6) | TrackBack

July 23, 2005

Postgame Press Conference VII

Dick Vitale (1) "OH MY GOD...LINDA COHN WAS AWESOME WITH A CAPITAL A...WHAT A PTP'ER...WHO SAW THAT ONE COMING. BUT I KNEW LINDA WOULD BE A CHALLENGE BECAUSE SHE WAS IN COLLEGE FOR 4 CONSECUTIVE YEARS AND HAS A DEGREE, BABY!!!! IT WOULD HAVE BEEN A DIFFERENT SITUATION FOR ME, A MUCH EASIER VICTORY HAD A FACED A STRAIGHT-OUTTA-HIGH SCHOOL OPPONENT LIKE TONY REALI. I AM REALLY GLAD I DIDN'T HAVE TO FACE JAY BILAS WITH THE DUKE PEDIGREE, BABY!!! OH MY GOD!!!

Linda Cohn (16) "Well, I have to say I don't understand why I received so many votes. I mean, just the other night at the ESPY's, I was hob nobbing with Ben Affleck and Matthew Perry when Vince Vaughn walked over and told me how much he liked my work. Gosh, I was so turned on by that that I made sure to sit at Vince's table and I started rubbing my 6 toed foot into his crotch...it was crazy!"

Digger Phelps (9) "Insulting me is one thing. But insulting the greatest institution of higher learning in the history of the planet, the University of Notre Dame, is a completely different matter. I am so upset I may have to go clothes shopping with Hoge again."

Tony Kornheiser (8) "So, what was I supposed to have played Digger in this tournament? I don't even know anything about basketball or football. And are two people enough for baseball? Where's Wilbon...hey Wilbon, let's play toss-up...you know my fat, bald and orange butt wins every time."

Brent Musberger (4) "You are looking live at... Oh, who am I kidding? You're looking at my bitter failure. Sure, I keep my job, but is it really worth it? Twenty, fifteen, even ten years ago, would I have even been challenged by some old gasbag many voters had never heard of, and others thought was dead? I was the most important sportscaster in America, and now I can't beat an old guy with twenty chins they won't put on TV before ten o'clock because he'd scare small children. I just don't know any more... So cold, so cold..."

Beano Cook (13) "Before my match with Muskrat, I took some much needed advice from that kid in State College, Joe Paterno. He says 'Beano, just intimidate Muskrat, he's a real wuss.' I did just that. I puffed out my neck like some sort of iguana-lizard hybrid and the man was scared shitless. I also owe my victory to the greatest quarterback of a generation, the Fighting Irish's Ron Powlus...I don't keep up with the NFL...could someone please update me on how many Lombardi trophies he has?"

Jay Mariotti (5) "Clearly, Woody Paige is behind this..he has it in for me because he's jealous of my looks and talent. But I promised I was too hated not to move on...watch for me...I am a surprise Final Four pick. Never bet against an egomaniac from Chicago!"

Buster Olney (12) "The Yankees reported that I would get destroyed and keep my job in Bristol. In fact, I actually won because I hit more ground balls to the left side of the infield between the 6th and 8th innings. Just look it up--trust me I am right."

--Alex R. w/MT

Posted by Mac Thomason at 06:02 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

Christian Laettner Subregional results

Vitale 66, Cohn 51

A surprisingly game (and definitely underseeded -- East Coast Bias strikes again, I guess) Linda Cohn couldn't quite pull even with Dick Vitale, who survives a scare and moves on. Unlike some others, this near-upset was certainly less about Vitale and more about Cohn, who could not be reached because this is teeth-cleaning week.

Phelps 65, Kornheiser 38

Vitale's sometime sidekick Digger Phelps had an easier time of it with Tony Kornheiser, setting up an all-college basketball second-round matchup. This contest was too like a sporting event for Kornheiser to pay attention to.

Cook 53, Musberger 41

A couple of old gunslingers proved they still had what it takes to annoy, with a wildly entertaining contest that saw Brent Musberger go out to an early lead but Beano Cook put on a sprint in the middle going to win. Musberger was reportedly stunned to find out Cook was still alive.

Mariotti 84, Olney 20

In by far the easiest match of this subregional, Jay Mariotti cruised to a 64-vote victory that wasn't really that close. Buster Olney is said to be working on a "productive annoyance" statistic that will show that he really won.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 01:21 PM | Comments (6) | TrackBack

July 22, 2005

Postgame Press Conference VI

Tim Legler (15) "It was like the night I won the 3 point contest...I was just UN-stoppable! I mean, no one gave me a chance in hell against the hated Lee Corso but stick a no talent ex-NBA hack in ridiculous suits and look at those votes fly...I am coming for you, Stephen A.!"

Lee Corso (2) "What did I tell you, Kirk...the kids love me. It goes back to my days having 3 ways with Burt Reynolds and some little FSU groupies, but even back them, the kids in Tallahassee loved me and now kids everywhere love me. Oh, wasn't I great? Still in Bristol, baby!"

Bob Ryan (10) "What, people, am I IKE TURNER? Where's da love? I am A SIMPLE BOSTON GUY AND ALL I SAID WAS THAT JASON KIDD SHOULD KNOCK AROUND HIS HO OF A WIFE MORE OFTEN? WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT? HELL, IN SOUTH BOSTON, MY DAD USED TO COME HOME FROM THE FACTORY AND THE LOCAL BAR, CHUG BACK A FEW MORE BREWS AND THEN HE'D KNOCK MY WHOLE FAMILY AROUND! GEEZ...WHATS THE BIG DEAL PEOPLE?"

Peter Gammons (7) "I was going to be a buyer this year and make a deal down the stretch run; in fact, the rumor is I was going to add one of Merrill Hoge's suits and some of Mel Kiper's hair in exchange for my guitar, but it turns out I didn't need it."

Mike Tirico (3) "Yes...I will only be taking questions from the little blonde in the third row with a giant knockers. What was your name?

Reporter: "Denise...yes, Mike, would you like to address all the interns you've slept with while your wife was at home with your kids?"

"Um, um....did you see the Finals this year. First NBA Finals to go SEVEN games...my hometown Pistons against the Spurs. I am from Detroit. Hey, how about the hot girl in the back with the halter top...any questions from you?"

Tim Kurkjian (14) "The rumor I am hearing out of Oakland is..."

(John Kruk stands up and takes the microphone before Kurkjian can finish)

"I just want to say how excited I am about my second round match up and where can a guy get a decent cheese steak around here? And Timmy, I just want to say how much I love working with you and when you are & I are on TV together, it's like David Spade and Chris Farley--hilarious!"

Tony Reali (6) "In today's game, you people incorrectly identified me as an arrogant little jerk who was going down to Michelle Tafoya. I am actually an arrogant little Italian jerk who DESTROYED Tafoya...I said that biatch was goin' down. Do you people not listen to nuthin' I am sayin'? Back to you Plaschke..."

Michelle Tafoya (11) "It's quite a scene here after I realized people hate Stat Boy more...I am here with Tony Parker of the Spurs...Tony, you look great at halftime but more importantly, how did I look and am I showing enough of my cleavage right now?"

Tony Parker "We are just passing the ball a lot to Timmy and ze Pistons are tough...and your breasts look nice but not as nice as Eva's."

--Alex R.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 06:10 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

Bracket updated

Thanks again to Bill.

Download file

Posted by Mac Thomason at 11:49 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

Mel Kiper vs. Ron Jaworski (Mike Krzyzewski Subregional)

6. Mel Kiper

The Crimes:

Versus

11. Ron Jaworski

The Crimes:

Voting now closed, results to come.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 10:21 AM | Comments (105) | TrackBack

Larry Bowa vs. Mark Jackson (Mike Krzyzewski Subregional)

3. Larry Bowa

The Crimes:

Versus

14. Mark Jackson

Mark Jackson

The Crimes:

Voting now closed, results to come.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 10:19 AM | Comments (102) | TrackBack

Greg Anthony vs. Chris Fowler (Mike Krzyzewski Subregional)

7. Greg Anthony

The Crimes:

Versus

10. Chris Fowler

Fowler

The Crimes:

Voting now closed, results to come.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 10:17 AM | Comments (102) | TrackBack

Skip Bayless vs. Kirk Herbstreit (Mike Krzyzewski Subregional)

2. Skip Bayless

The Crimes:

Versus

15. Kirk Herbstreit

The Crimes:

Voting now closed, results to come.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 10:13 AM | Comments (120) | TrackBack

Jimmy Johnson Subregional Results

Legler 50, Corso 44

In the biggest upset of the tournament so far, #15 seed and NBA fifth wheel Tim Legler held on to knock off top college football man Lee Corso. I don't know, I hate Corso more than anyone, but apparently some don't mind him, and the hatred for Legler runs deeper than I thought. A devastated Corso is trying to get Burt Reynolds on the phone to see if he can move in.

Ryan 75, Gammons 23

Continuing the upsets, Bob Ryan handily knocked off fellow Globie Peter Gammons, restoring some luster to The Sports Reporters after the upset losses of Albom and Lupica. Gammons reports that he's going on tour with the Dave Matthews Band.

Tirico 62, Kurkjian 13

Mike Tirico avoided the upset bug, groping his way to an easy win over Tim Kurkjian. Kurkjian might have had a reaction but ESPN decided to give that time to Kruk and Bowa instead.

Reali 78, Tafoya 13

Dark horse Stat Boy took out Michele Tafoya with no problems. Tafoya just talked to Larry Brown and Coach Brown says that she should be fine with that, back to you, Al.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 09:28 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

July 21, 2005

Postgame Press Conference V

Chris Berman (1) "I was rumbling, bumbling and stumbling to the finish line!!! I am Chris 'Aaron' Berrrrr-man and my legendary years here at ESPN date back to the dawn of man, when Vince Lombardi and Don Shula were strapping young college basketball players and Joe D & the Babe were catching touchdowns for Notre Dame. Anyway, I have sweated through ANOTHER shirt...does anyone have a towel for me to wipe off my belly & under my arms? I am burning up over here!"

Rece Davis (16) "Good, can I get back to the studio and work on my tan? Roll Tide!"

Sean Salisbury (9) "You know, it was like my playing days with the Minnesota Vikings or at USC...I showed, heart, guts and determination. Intestinal fortitude! I gave it 110% and left it all on the floor. I played 48 minutes of hell and I listened to my coaches. That's what a young man should do. Are you listening, Clayton, you pencil necked geek? Are you listening Randy Moss? You think you're so talented? I think Randy should give his salary every year away until he starts respecting his teammates and coaches. And if you are interested, Randy, I will teach you something about respect. And you TOO Mac Thomason...think I look like a fetus? You think that's funny, do you? Do you not know how to show respect for a legendary backup quarterback like myself? I sure taught Harold Reynolds some respect."

Harold Reynolds (8) "I am not sure how I feel about keeping my job. I would defer to Peter on this but my win may have had something to do with my brilliant playing career with the Mariners."

Dan Lebetard (4) "It's all about racism, folks. Racism against people like me just because we think we are smarter and more handsome then the rest of you. Now who do I have to kiss up to to keep my job in Bristol? And by the way, despite the rumors, I am not sleeping with Tony Kornheiser. Please, whoever you are, stop calling my house. I love Tony, but in an arrogant, manly love kind of way. That's all. And by the way, I am from Miami."

Chris Mortensen (13) "There's a rumor going around that I wasn't going to report to Dallas to play Lebetard. I am happy to report that I did report, in shape and played. Chris, there was also a rumor that I was nabbed at the airport in Dallas with the whizzinator. I am also happy to report that it was nothing more then a grooming kit to help me re-grow my cheesy moustache. Back to you in the studio."

Steve Phillips (5) "I will do whatever it takes to keep my job...even sleep with Kruk. That's how desperate I am not to get fired again. And the sexual harassment thing is so overblown. I talked with Mike Tirico about this and he is sure I am innocent."

Sal Paolantonio (12) "Live from Lincoln Financial, despite the 110 degree temperature, I am still amazingly cold and wearing a winter coat. I also have absolutely nothing new to report on T.O. however, his agent Drew Rosenhaus promised me that if I washed his ferrari in under an hour, that he promised me he would tell me what T.O. had for breakfast. Back to you, Chris!"

-- Alex R.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 01:01 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Jay Mariotti vs. Buster Olney (Christian Laettner Subregional)

5. Jay Mariotti

The Crimes:

Versus

12. Buster Olney

The Crimes:

Voting is now closed. Results coming soon.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 09:53 AM | Comments (105) | TrackBack

Special emeritus matchup: Brent Musburger vs. Beano Cook (Christian Laettner Subregional)

4. Brent Musburger

Musburger

The Crimes:

Versus

13. Beano Cook

The Crimes:

Voting is now closed. Results coming soon.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 09:47 AM | Comments (94) | TrackBack

Tony Kornheiser vs. Digger Phelps (Christian Laettner Subregional)

8. Tony Kornheiser

The Crimes:

Versus

9. Digger Phelps

The Crimes:

Voting is now closed. Results coming soon.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 09:44 AM | Comments (104) | TrackBack

Dick Vitale vs. Linda Cohn (Christian Laettner Subregional)

1. Dick Vitale

The Crimes:

Versus

16. Linda Cohn

The Crimes:

Voting is now closed. Results coming soon.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 09:39 AM | Comments (122) | TrackBack

Jerry Jones Subregional Results

Berman 56, Davis 12

A surprisingly strong showing for "Beasley" Rece Davis, suggesting that Chris Berman may be the most vulnerable of the #1 seeds. Davis can relax in the knowledge that while he's more hated than Kenny Mayne, lots of people are still worse than him.

Salisbury 70, Reynolds 18

Lying in wait for Berman will be Sean Salisbury, an easy winner over Harold Reynolds. Either Salisbury was underseeded or there's more affection for Reynolds than I thought. Harold will need to watch more coaching videos if he wants to compete on this level. Salisbury looks to have a chance against Berman in the second round.

LeBatard 64, Mortensen 7

Maybe Dan LeBatard too should have been a higher seed, a #2 or #3, after one of the easiest wins of the first round. ESPN's Chris Mortensen reports that Mortensen is enjoying his loss and thinking about regrowing the 'stache.

Phillips 55, Paolantonio 15

Hate dating back to his GM days helped carry Steve Phillips to an easy first-round win over Sal Paolantonio, who can go back to his day job of trying to figure out what Terrell Owens is thinking. LeBatard/Phillips looks like a highlight of the second round.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 09:04 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

July 20, 2005

Postgame Press Conference IV

Michael Irvin (2) "I told ya! I told ya! I am the best damn wide receiver in the world plus I was a Cowboy and a Miami Hurricane so you can't stop me--I'm on fire...where's Deion?"

Mike Wilbon (15) "Just like the Cubs, I went down in flames...I am going to call my boy MJ since I still have a job at ESPN. Let's hope the same holds true for my boy Tony."

Jay Bilas (7) "Moving on in this tournament has to do with my length and wingspan, which was simply bigger than Dan Patrick's. I think Dan's still got his job at ESPN because he simply fits better behind the desk and he has more hair. Though I would argue, as would Coach K, that I am clearly better looking."

Dan Patrick (10) "In the world of sports, there's no one more recognized, more respected, than myself, DAN PATRICK. It's why I have a radio show every day from 1-4, it's why I host the 6 pm Sportscenter. It's also why I humiliated Jeremy Roenick or dressed down T.O. on the radio once...I am Dan Patrick, and I am God here at ESPN. I will always have a place in Bristol history, folks."

Bill Walton (3) "I was terrrrrible...just terrrrrible! I am a big man who can clearrrrrly take it to the hole and yet you put insist that I am bad...that's just awful. HORRIBLE. Terrible. And by the way, wasn't I just WONDERFUL, INCREDIBLE on ABC's broadcasts of the NBA Finals...I just threw it DOWN, big man!"

Merrill Hoge (14) "I have come here to this press conference simply to apologize for the way I dress. I let Tom Tolbert & Tim Legler take me shopping one weekend and I simply can't stop buying these suits. They convinced me that a white guy could pull this off but I finally realize...I look absolutely ridiculous. I am sorry."

Bill Curry (6) "Winning this match up and moving on reminds of a story that Coach Lombardi once told me when I was an offensive lineman in 1937 up in Ottawa. He said 'Bill, I don't like you very much, you preach a lot and annoy me, and someday, millions of people won't like you much either--but be strong. Take it like a man...and keep telling the same damn stories over and over'...that was one of my strongest memories of Coach Lombardi and his wisdom for me."

Al Michaels (11) "Folks, thank you. After all my years of hard work and dedication at ABC Sports, you have shown me your appreciation by hating Bill Curry more than me. I am truly touched and may begin to cry profusely."

--Alex R.

Posted by Mac Thomason at 06:46 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

The Bracket

Thanks to Bill for putting this together.

Download file (.pdf)

Posted by Mac Thomason at 01:45 PM | Comments (14) | TrackBack